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@Mrcow I imagine the courage it must’ve taken to have written this vent as you have said. But really your are sharing and being vulnerable, so thank you for giving us the opportunity to give you some support. It can be a difficult thing to ask for. 
The hardship and trauma in your childhood must’ve evoked emotions of sheer anxiety and terror constantly and I’m so sorry that as a child who should’ve been thriving you had live and witness that. I’ so glad you have a psychologist is helping you navigate and really digest what had occurred in your family home, a place which should’ve been safe. 
I want to take this moment to also congratulate you on finishing your studies and moving out, these are enormous milestones that YOU achieved despite whatever had occurred in your past. I also hope your sister is doing okay now. 
A question I ask myself a lot, like you is how long can I sustain this way of living. Everyone answer to that is unique but for me it’s a seed of hope I hold on to and even on days when it’s microscopic hope is still hope. You’ve just stepped into a new phase of your life so take it day by day or hour by hour, whatever you need to get through the day. I’ve read The Body Keeps Score and The Happiness Trap and would definitely recommend them! I do believe through consistent collaborative work with your psychologist. That little seed will sprout until you bloom and see the beautiful being you are 🌺 
I wish you all the best in your recovery journey and hope to see you in the community 💜