Hey everyone @Maddy-RO @Anzelmo @Philippa-RO @ayrc_1904 whoever I haven't replied to. Thanks for your encouragement.
So much has happened since my last reply/post, good and bad.
- Holiday with fam was ok, just spent more time than I would like in a depressive episode but that was to be expected. Hard having family on the other side of the country.
- Dissociation is slowly improving
- The constant Bipolar (bp) episodes are still going. A week of hypomania was a nice change before depression returned yesterday.
- Email before therapy appointment is going great
- Got my licence last week which is so awesome, even just little things like driving myself to and from work
- Being 18 means no more compulsory full time study. So I'm currently working and looking for work based on my qualification. I have a good lead on new work.
- My bp diagnosis is officially a yr old. Mixed feelings.
- I think I've started to accept my diagnosis.
- Was able to book an initial consult with a new psychiatrist (over $500, ouch!). It’s good because I've been wanting to change most of the year.
I’ve started a mind map of my mind. I’ve realised beliefs about being a burden affect my life so much. Beliefs probably created by the fact that I was a medically expensive child (and still am). This belief affecting literally everything. Like if I’m a burden @Maddy-RO then I don’t deserve help or to feel better. I have to be perfect to prove I’m ‘good enough.’
Lots of new stuff to talk with psychologist about.
I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. I never let myself have 'sick' days because of my bp. I work in a kitchen, and the expectations feel so high. I feel like I have to be perfect, and I’m very insecure about being ‘good enough.’ My bp makes everything harder and I hate when it slows me down at work. I overthink and probably exaggerate tiny things, my brain warning me this is showing I’m not good enough or a burden, so I have to be perfect.
All this and more means I borderline hate my job.
I feel like it negatively affects my mental health to some degree. Doesn’t help my little sister with anxiety worked with me for a while, and her anxious head space affected mine.
It’s my first job, and has never been my plan to stay there forever. So hopefully will get another job soon.
I’ll probably go to work and just try to push through because money. But having a negative mindset makes it harder.
Me and hobbies and relaxation @Anzelmo …
If I’m a burden, then I don’t deserve to have fun/relax I have to be productive at all times to prove my worth. At least that seems to be something my brain says. Also, if you spend a few years with chronic unaliving thoughts, you don’t really think about enjoying life much. And while you are going through high school with undiagnosed and untreated bipolar, you find ways to distract yourself like constantly being busy and dissociating on autopilot. Survival mode doesn’t think about enjoying stuff. Depression makes you more apathetic, less motivated, and harder to enjoy more things. It can also lead to emotional numbness which also includes not enjoying stuff. I don’t really tend to emotionally enjoy things, more cognitively because habit/pattern about it being safer.
So enjoying things or relaxing seems to be harder than it should be.
If I am going to do anything nice it might be playing piano/guitar or listening to music. Sometimes it can be like bp pain relief. Doggies, ping pong with fam. Sometimes a bit of colouring it, but I get a bit scared of that sometimes as it’s a trigger for high school memories of student services 😅 I’m wanting to try and spend some time with friends as I’ve recently realised how much I’ve isolated myself.
My days are a bit weird right now as I’m creating new routines. I’ve never not studied full-time before and I’m looking for another job.
But it’s cool to be moving on from (hopefully) the worst mental health chapter of my life.
And yay, just at the start of this depressive episode. Experience doesn’t make it any more pleasant.
Hope everyone has a good week!
