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I don't know how to help my best friend
TW : Mentions of suicide, alcoholism, cancer, divorce
I'm 16 years old and currently doing year 11 and right now I've got a lot of I guess unusual things going on in my life such as an alcoholic dad and a mum with breast cancer, as well as a trans brother who is suicidal and a little off the rails, as well as more personal things, all on top of school etc. If I ever list them all out, they sound like a lot but me and my family have been dealing with them for so long that they have kind of just become normal. My best friend's family is currently going through her second divorce and her dad is not always reliable and because of that she obviously is quite stressed. She comes and she talks to me about all of her issues, like she should be able to because we are so close, but I've started to almost dread going to hang out with her because all I do is listen and I feel like she isn't able to help me back.
It means that I've been distancing myself from her a bit which I almost feel is selfish on my part? She's got so much going on and she needs me right now but I also have a lot and I don't have any release like she does with me.
Im not sure how to approach our friendship any more but I don't feel like I can tell her that it's stressing me out so much because even though I have other friends, she doesn't really, and if she isn't talking to me, she won't be talking to anyone. She also has multiple mental illnesses like depression, anxiety etc. and has been suicidal in the past all because her social anxiety meant she didn't talk to anyone. She also doesn't want to see a psychologist, I guess I just don't know what to do.
Comments
Hey @abcdefg
Just checking in again. Here's a few more of my thoughts.
You've got heaps on your plate! It's totally understandable that you want to be able to take some space for yourself. You are such a lovely person for wanting so badly to be there for your friend who's also doing it tough in their own ways.
But putting some distance between your friend to be able to look after yourself doesn't make you any less of a lovely person too. It's only human! Everyone needs to be able to rejuvenate themselves before they have the energy to help others.
I think with the amount of things going on in your life at the moment, it can feel like you need to be strong for all of those people, and be their shoulder to cry on. But like @ayrc_1904 said, you don't have to be strong all the time. It's okay for you to cry or be anxious or be stressed. You also need support. Do you think you would be able to access professional help?
Hope you feel better soon and that you're able to re-energise yourself 💙
Hey @abcdefg
How are you? It's been a while and I wanted to check in with you.
I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through so much. I can only imagine how draining it must be to have all of those things going on around you. You are so, so resilient and caring. I can see how much love and care you give to those who are close to you and that's a huge character strength. Give yourself the credit you deserve for that! You are amazing ❤️
Sometimes though, that loving and caring nature can make us exhausted. Humans aren't meant to be a constant support for others 24/7. Everyone needs boundaries, and some time for themselves. Cliche, but it's true- you can't help others before you help yourself! The only way you can give more of yourself to others is if you take the time to recharge your own battery. Spend some time doing things you love, lounge around and do absolutely nothing if you want to, go for a walk!
I know it may feel like you're 'leaving' your friend, but maybe you could see it in another light. By taking distance and time away from your friend, you're getting closer to being able to help her again. I'm sure she also wants you to be ok! You shouldn't feel guilty for looking after yourself.
I also agree with the others in that, although friends are so important and great supports, professional help can be much more helpful and give you targeted methods to help with your emotions and life stressors. Is there a counselor you could see?
I hope you're ok. These are some reminders for you:
1. You are doing amazing, especially considering all of the stressors around you
2. You are strong and resilient
3. You are loving and caring
BUT ALSO
4. You DESERVE to take time for yourself
5. You DESERVE to also receive help from others
6. You DON'T have to be strong all the time
7. Your feelings matter and are valid
I hope these help. ❤️
Hi @abcdefg
It can be really hard to be that pillar of support for people especially when you don't have one for yourself. I'm sorry to hear that you have had so much on your plate. As for your friend's situation, I don't believe that you should see yourself as selfish at all. You have been so selfless in being there for her through her troubles despite you having a lot to deal with in your own life. Putting some distance between you and her is not selfish. It's just you taking care of yourself and prioritizing yourself more. You are looking out for your own mental health and well-being which is healthy.
What might be beneficial is to communicate. Have you been able to talk to her about how you feel about the situation in that - you want to stay close friends with her, but you also need someone to be there for you and support you in the same way that you do for them.
Also, do you guys have any school psychologist that you are able to get in touch with and talk about some of these experiences you have been having?
Hope you are well 💙
Hey @abcdefg I'm so sorry you're going through that, and thank you for reaching out to us here. Whilst it's important to support our friends, it's also important to take care of ourselves and do what is best for our wellbeing. It's completely understandable to distance ourselves when things become overwhelming. The fact that you've been listening to her and are concerned for her wellbeing shows how supportive you are, and needing a break does not speak badly of your character at all.
Like @Blake_RO has said, I was also wondering if you have considered reaching out to a mental health professional or GP? You mentioned that you are in year eleven, so would there be any school counsellors or school staff you might want to talk to?
We're here for you if you need more support ❤️❤️❤️
Hi @abcdefg
I’m sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time and have so many things going on in your life. It must be really challenging and I’m so proud of you for reaching out for some support – it shows a lot of strength and courage!
It sounds like a really difficult time at home, I know you said that you don’t have any release and wanted to see if you are or have considered speaking to someone about this like a GP or a mental health professional? I’m wondering if you and your family have any support with your mum’s breast cancer diagnosis? The Cancer Council has some really amazing resources and services that might be helpful to look into as well.
You mentioned that your brother is going through a hard time, and I understand how hard that must be for you. I know how much it impacts me watching my siblings go through difficult times! Is your brother safe and is he receiving any support?
Your friend is very lucky to have such a caring and supportive person like you in her life. Creating boundaries and distancing yourself is important. While I understand how much you want to help her and be there for her, you need to remember that your wellbeing should always be prioritised and it’s important to know that there’s only so much you can do.
You mentioned that she has been suicidal in the past, is she safe at the moment? It must be really challenging knowing that you are the only person that she’s talking to. I can only imagine how much pressure that puts on you and it would be hard for anyone – especially when taking in to account how much you’re already going through.
To encourage a healthy friendship, its really helpful to communicate how you’re feeling so you don’t feel hurt and they can understand how to support you. This article has some steps about how to tackle difficult conversations.
Even by reaching out for some advice shows how much of a caring and thoughtful friend you are! It is important to let her know that you want to be there for her but that you are also going through a difficult time and that your friendship should have a balanced nature where both voices are heard, and the support goes both ways. In saying that, I want you to remember that there’s only so much support that you can provide her and that she can provide you, while it’s good to have a friend to talk to, it’s important to know that neither you or her can provide the same support as a trained professional. It would be really good if you could encourage her to see a GP or other mental health professional. I know you mentioned that she doesn’t want to speak to someone, do you know why that is?
I also just wanted to see how you’re feeling after sharing this and how you’re going? There’s so much going on around you and sometimes it can be hard to put yourself first but it’s really important that you do.
We are always here for you and I want you to know that you are not alone.💜