How to develop self compassion?
This is an area I’ve always been stuck with. I’m terrible at it (it was hard to even type the title of this thread!). I rely so much on other people to try and fix the problem, but the moment they stop telling me that it’s ok to have feelings or to not easily achieve all the things at once 110% of the time, it’s back to stage one. Insults and punishment times 9000.
And I just don’t know how to think differently. Sure there’s the whole “would you say that to a friend?” method but I can’t switch to that because insults and punishment mode has innumerable answers to that. It’s like I want someone else there 24/7 to just stop me from beating myself up, except that’s even more fuel for the fire, because how dare I try to drag anyone else into this self-inflicted inferno when it’s not even ok for it to exist in the first place.
Things hurt so much but it’s not ok for that to be the case, it’s not ok to admit it, it’s not ok to say it, or think it, or write it, or to try and be kind to myself about it or try any strategies that might help because it’s weak and a giant fail and shouldn’t be a problem. And no one can even help anyway.
I'm going to make myself regret posting this but I can't deal with this.
Comments
I did try a super short mindfullness labelling exercise last night while I was feeling good so maybe youre right that that's where I need to start.What shifted to get you to stop hating it?
Man I wish I could get a dog but renting an apartment would never allow it and wouldn't be fair on the dog with me at work all week and no where to play around.
Never get tired of talking to you @Bay52VU you might find this hard to believe but i actually love coming on here to talk. It's my favourite part of the day and i wish i could literally JUST talk on the forums.
I think my hatred of mindfulness slowly changed over time. I started realising that when i felt distressed I could just watch the show and the thoughts pass by knowing that i was more than those thoughts and that i didn't have to get caught up in them anymore, unless i wanted to at least, that's the thing mindfulness lets you choose, instead of not having a choice.
Pretty considerate of the dog to not have it in the appartment, could you get a smaller pet to keep you company? What about a cat? Or a couple of birds?
Or an Aye Aye!
I'm the only person on the planet who finds these cute.
I guess that makes sense @Ben-RO . So I guess I could try to start just doing it whenever, and then later intentionally apply it more to distressed feelings. I tried it in like short term bursts when crappy feelings popped up today, but I don't think I was doing it right... Is there maybe a minimum time requirement on it? Like "can only be done if you dedicate X minutes"? Cause I tried doing it while doing other stuff as a mini break but it seemed like I was trying to cheat the process or something by trying to do it too quickly without wasting time from what I was supposed to be doing instead.
Whaaaaat is that?! Somehow I don't think the aye aye would like my apartment either! 
IDK I can't think of a pet I want that I'd be allowed to have. I'll just have to satisfy myself with creeping around the local dog off-lead area and watching other people's pups. 
@Lahna I guess I could try to make a safety plan but I think I'd have to make it really interesting to create and sort of trick myself into doing it. I'll have a think about it.
(Oh and I feel you on the pet-apartment tragedy, too @Bay52VU. I'm trying to convince my landlord to let me have a bunny! If not that....my best friend has a fighting fish which she has way too strong an attachment to. I guess maybe we'll be forced to resort to such things!)
Thanks @Kaz-RO . I don't think that what I was doing would work, cause I was still sort of trying to do the mindfulness stuff with half my attention while the other half kept working. So not really in the spirit of the exercise. But I'll see if I can change that up next time.
I hope you can get your bunny!
You can totally do it like that @Bay52VU! It doesn't have to be a big production - @Lahna and @Ben-RO have made some awesome points about focusing on small steps. Do a tiny bit whenever you feel like it, at your own pace.
I think just explore how it works for you. Maybe you'll find just focusing on it for a minute or two (maybe quite frequently?) will work for you since then you can just fit it into the rest of your day. It can be a LOT easier to find motivation for something that you don't feel like you have to put a special time aside for. If you do have the time and the energy, then sit down and do a longer session and see how that works for you. This is always, always about finding the strategies that you like and can make work.
It sounds like you have some great ideas and instincts for how you can make this work for you. Trust those instincts. You're working hard and doing great.
Hey @Bay52VU,
I think everyone on this thread has given some great advice, however sometimes symptoms can just be so tiring and really engageing with an intricate strategy is difficult (although I'd still encourage this). I also really encourage putting together a safety plan. Do you think this would be helpful in times when you're feeling down?
Your thread post has really resonated with me, and made me thought that perhaps you could start with something easier to achieve. Being compassionate towards yourself can be hard, but sometimes we need to be super kind to ourselves. What do you think about doing 2 things for yourself everyday? (it doesn't matter how big or small - could be going outside for 5 minutes for example) And when you get thoughts in your mind like "this is stupid, I still feel the same", do you think you could remind yourself why your being kind and taking time for yourself?
It may seem totally obscure and irrelevant, but it can be a great starting place.
Lahna
Hey @Bay52VU I have been chewing on an answer to all this for a few days! On one hand i don't want to push something that might make you feel heaps bad before you start feeling better. But on the other hand, building mindfulness skills up and learning to work through the thoughts is definitely going to be a pretty big step in the right direction. It's a heaps powerful skill for anyone to have.
@Lahna's post has prompted me to think about starting small! I am wondering if maybe we could work through something like practicing basic mindfulness until you don't hate it (took about a month for me when i started). I reckon that once you get the hang of discovering that inner chilled out space - or building one for yourself - you'll know how to get back there when you need to, and you'll be ready to face the heavy shit.
Keen to hear your thoughts!
P.s
Please get a dog and send us all the photos.
I dunno @Ben-RO I'm not sure what the difference is
edit: like I get that the mindfulness is supposed to be feeling it but not judging or acting, but if we take the anger as an example, it's not like I usually immediately act on it... but I can't really remember or figure out what normally happens after Ive stopped being abole to ignore it but before the point where I do act on it.
Hey @Bay52VU, changing up your self talk when you've spent a long time beating yourself up is very challenging stuff. If anything, the first stages of trying to fid a more positive way of talking to yourself can make it feel even worse, because then you're beating yourself up for the fact that you're still beating yourself up!
What @Kaz-RO said about how depression and anxiety effect your brain is absolutely true, they create really intricate lies that we're very ready to believe. Recognising when you're falling into patterns of negative self talk is an important first step, because even just taking the moment to acknowledge "Hey, I'm being pretty down on myself right now." Creates a little bit of distance mentally that can help you start the process of moving things in a more positive direction. Then after you've done that you might be able to start to ask yourself some question about those thoughts. Where do they come from? What do you know about yourself that tells you that they might not be the whole truth?
Changing your self talk and treating yourself with compassion can be a really long process, so please don't feel disheartened that it hasn't happened as quickly as you would like. It definitely doesn't mean you're incapable of finding new, healthier ways of talking to yourself, it just means that the patterns you're using now are pretty ingrained and that it might take some time. Rather than trying to do it all at once, maybe you could start off by focusing on a couple of the negative things your tell yourself and try to catch when they pop up during the course of your day. Then you can work your way up to other thoughts and recognising when they rear their heads once you've built up some confidence in handling some of the other ones first.
How does starting with that sound? Let us know how you're doing, you're doing such an awesome job by taking steps towards working on this 🙂
Hey!
I know for some people when they start negative self talk it because they are compairing themelves with others. I for one start talking about myself badly when my friend does better at school then i although shes naturally talented, and when i start talking badly about my body its because i compair myself to others body. when i stop compairing myself to others that kinda helps, so if you compair ourself to others, take a step back and
(i have to go but i shall return and continue what i was saying)
As i was saying.... (sorry i was in class and the bell rang for hometime) What i find that helps is to stop compairing yourself, and give yourself a pep talk about how its not a competition, You are beautiful the way you are and everyone is unique. ect. This normally works for me, but it also depends on the context.
@Kaz-RO I normally try to avoid feeling/thinking them. Usually I try to get straight back to what I was doing and ignore the feeling/thoughts. After a few repeats if that hasn’t worked very well then I might try a short distraction break. But sometimes it gets less and less effective, and yeah I guess ‘overwhelm’ is the right word for it when it just takes over everything I’m doing. Until eventually I can go do something different as a distraction again, or get back to what I was trying to do in the first place.
@Chessca_H One of the starting problems is that I’ve never been able to decide that it’s ok to change my self talk. If/when I notice it being negative, if I even think about challenging it immediately seems like the negative stuff is a good thing and only seems to make me more determined to make it worse. Which I know makes zero sense but that’s what happens every time. The only winning move is not to play, i.e. stop thinking. Ancient movie reference there btw.
And I swear no one ever seems to understand this or have any other ideas except “well just challenge that too” but oh boy does that not work unless the aim is for things to get way worse in that moment. Sooo yeah I wouldn’t really say I’m doing a very good job with it.
@PeanutJelly148 thanks for your input, and for taking time out of your class to post! I do often compare myself with other people for stuff. That does sound like a good idea for dealing with that sort of thinking, and it’s awesome that it works for you 
What you're describing sounds bang on-target for very entrenched negative thought patterns, @Bay52VU. I'm sorry that the work we've been doing so far hasn't been working to beat them, but I want you to know that isn't your failure. It just means we haven't hit on the right strategy yet, and maybe it's time to bring out the big guns 
I'm sorry that I've forgotten whether you see a psych irl? I know you've said you find the idea of phone counselling very confronting (which makes total sense).
One of the 'big guns' is Mindfulness practice. It's hard and it will take a lot of tries to get the hang of it, but over time it can be really effective. Don't beat yourself up if it takes you a while to get it, and don't panic that that means it'll 'never work'. It's a skill, like learning to cook or drive. If it screws up the first time, that doesn't mean you are broken or that Mindfulness is useless any more than cars are useless because I still only have my Ls. It just means we need more practice.
The hardest thing in that link is that in order to be mindful, you have to face those scary, awful thoughts, look them square in the eye, and then let them go. You need to let them come into your mind, and that's really counter-intuitive when they hurt so much and you want to just get them out and away from you. Then after you let them in, you need to let them leave. And Depression Brain won't want to let them leave; it'll want to hang onto them tight so it can tell you that you're terrible. There's two separate skills there, and both of them are going to take some practice.
When I do this, I like to set some time aside and go somewhere really quiet and comfortable, somewhere I feel safe. I like to have blankets and cushions and water, and kind of nest for a little while. Then I work hard on my breathing, and once my breathing is good and strong and gives me a kind of 'anchor', I can start letting the thoughts come.
I'm going to warn you that when you do this, you might end up really emotional the first few times. Because you won't be good at letting the thoughts go yet, you might find that they overwhelm you. You might feel teary or even very anxious. That's all really unpleasant, but it doesn't mean you've failed. If that happens, it's totally okay to just stop right there and go distract yourself and work on de-escalating.
Take your time. Do it your way. But you can do this.
Hey @Kaz-RO thanks for your reply.
No I'm not seeing a psych/counselor.
I'll have a read of those links. I know it's dumb but I'm afraid to try and face the thoughts/feelings. From past experience I know that when it gets overwhelming I get really aggressive and start daring/goading myself into SH or something more permanent, and I'm just scared to try and face that shit. I know I should still just try it anyway and I hate that I'm sitting here making excuses for not trying but I don't know if I can be properly safe when doing it. I dunno.
@Bay52VU It's definitely okay to feel scared of this process and if you're worried about self harm or ending your life, then it's worth having a safety plan in place that you can use to get through that bit where you might feel like you've flipped your lid and back to the point where you feel like you can be safe again.
I am wondering however about the way you have faced these thoughts and feelings in the past vs facing them this way do you think this is a little different? Or are you pretty concerned that it's similar enough to have the same impact?
Okay, first of all, @Bay52VU, this is an awesome thread topic. Self-compassion is one of the biggest challenges most people face, in my experience. It's definitely not something I have the hang of yet perfectly yet. I really hope we can find some solutions that work for you, but I'm also just so, so impressed right now at you coming forward and starting this discussion. I know it must have taken huge courage to post this, and I want you to know by opening this up for us all to talk about, you're helping everyone on ReachOut.
Next, I'm sorry that we haven't hit on strategies that will work for you yet. That does not mean you're broken. You're so right when you say that Bad Brain or negative thought patterns have an answer for everything. It isn't a 'failure' that you can't just give yourself one piece of advice and feel magically okay. It's really, really normal. That said, I know it hurts, and it must be so frustrating to be working so hard and feeling like you're still not where you want to be.
You say that it 'isn't okay' for you to feel this way, and before we've talked a lot about how you don't feel justified in reaching out for help or in feeling this way to begin with. You know by now, but I'll say it again, that you are always entitled to help and support, and also that your feelings are real and justified and deserve to be heard. But I think you've raised a really important point when you say that the second the people around you stop telling you that, you stop believing it.
It sounds like your brain has really twisted itself around to make sure you feel bad about yourself. That is tough for you to beat. Depression Brain and Anxiety Brain, their lies are complex and multi-layered and they do have an answer to everything. That's how these diseases feed themselves.
I'm wondering how you normally handle these feelings when they crop up? Do you normally face them head on, or try to avoid feeling them? Do you feel them overwhelm you until you can't do anything else? These might seem like funny questions to ask when in the past we've been working on trying to shore up your self-esteem, but I think sometimes just as important as why we're feeling something can be how we experience that feeling. If it's very triggering for you to talk about how you experience these emotions and thoughts, you don't have to answer (you never have to answer anything, actually!) but it might help us find some strategies to break down those thoughts at the source.
