Struggling with a complicated breakup
It has been just over a month since the break up.
I had been dating this girl for just over a year and she was living with me at the time, throughout our relationship things were up and down, she didn't have a job, she was constantly falling sick. i had to support both of us for 90% of that relationship. and to this day i do not regret that nor do I hold resentment towards her at all... It was my decision to break up because of a lot of stuff that was happening at the time, my job was dying, the stress from supporting her then had an impact, her parents hated me with a passion, my brother was hit by a car and was minutes from dying (still recovering), and so i was put with 2 decisions...
Break up or step up, i chose the easy way out and broke up with her. I do regret that now... It was the 2 weeks after the breakup that i realized our relationship was not healthy, it was an unhealthy attachment we had to each other, on my part is was jealousy and control and on her part it was being looked after and comfort. the day after i broke up with her she got a job and started going to her best friends house every weekend. (her best friend is male and the guy that i was mainly jealous of). So i felt that was a kick in the balls.
In the high emotional state i reacted from jealousy and abused her 2 weekends in a row with texts and phone calls sending her into a meltdown of guilt. Whenever she was alone with him i reacted. That lasted 2 weeks with my toxic behavior. Then i realized that i needed help, that i had a problem, so from that day on wards i started working on myself, getting the help i needed becoming a more mature person who is able to cope with any emotion and honestly it has been going great. However; looking back on the breakup i hugely regret breaking up with her and not just sucking it up and stepping up to the occasion and fixing myself then, not stopping myself from enabling her behavior and her the same.
Its now at the point where she is listening to her parents about me being in their words "evil, manipulative, sinister, cult follower."
I spoke with her today and she was going really well and i was really happy for her and we had a great chat about life and "moving forward".
Then her mum called and as soon as she found out that her daughter was speaking to me she flipped her shit... as soon as she returned after talking to her mum she grabs her stuff and says we shouldn't be talking, I'm pissed at myself for letting you talk to me, then leaves... not even a goodby or anything... in that conversation she admitted to me that the only reason she wasn't talking to me was her parents (which is fair enough, except for the fact she never listened to her parents at all before hand.) she admitted that she still wanted me but the only reason she can't is that her parents despise of me.
now I'm stuck, its a war inside of me wanting to fight for her to at least be my friend (as cliche as that is) and the other half saying if you love her that much then let her go and if she returns then happy days if she doesn't, then be happy for her...
Comments
How are you feeling today?
If I could ask, how were the parents feeling towards you before the breakup and during the two weekends? Did it change during those two weekends (to your knowledge) or just right after the breakup? Did you ever talk to them while you were still together?
Which side are you leaning on right now? Being her friend or moving on without her?
I want her as a friend but I'm feeling helplessness, as she has already made her mind up, or to put it more clearly, her parents made her mind up, as I've been told directly by her.
I'm struggling with the helplessness and sadness of letting her go.
And I'm dealing with huge amounts of jealousy to do with her best friend who has always had romantic interests in her, but never admitted it. (Best friend whom she has been staying with on weekends)
He told me all through my relationship that he saw her as a sister and she told me she saw him as a brother. Now I trust her when she told me she is not looking for anything right now to do with sex and relationships. However she (since the breakup) has not once denied feelings for him.
So I'm struggling with all of that at the moment.
Hey @Kee33, so sorry to hear about this it is quite painful when we go through a break up, whether or not we instigated it... I wanted to give you props on your self awareness, and what sounds like a bit of a philosophical outlook. Whether or not you feel the break up was the right move, the fact that you came to the decision in an act of self-care is pretty impressive.
Just curious to know, have you asked yourself why you want to be with her? Or are you at the point where you would just love her as a mate? Sometimes we can feel a loss of control in these situations, especially once the dust has settled; sometimes that's the most painful thing.
How are you feeling tonight? It sucks to hear about the parents! They sound like a handful. Look forward to hearing from you.
Yeah, I've always seemed to have a really strong logical look on situations, even if I'm in them, however the emotions I have are much harder to control, probably because of inexperience with such situations.
As far as her being in my life, I understand that "letting go" from her is the hardest thing for me to fathom at the moment. I do want her as a friend yet something inside me is telling me that if she were to be in my life it would be near to impossible to detach from her and my feelings towards her, and if she was in my life seeing her with another man (especially with her best friend) would crush me if I were not detached. But it's the fact that she has the control at the moment with whether I'm in her life or not that's the kicker. So it's a constant war of wanting her to be my mate (we get along amazingly), and knowing that I need to detach beforehand.
As probably guessed, night times are when I'm affected the most, not being able to distract myself with work or entertainment, I'm just left with myself and my feelings, constant images (mainly the possibilities of the future) that put me in a foul mood, a constant state of feeling overwhelmed and that jealousy spike.
There is a lot more to the story of us but I'm happy answering questions until I feel the information is relevant to explain.
Thanks guys.
Hey @Kee33, I imagine a break-up must be super tough, but you seem to be willing to reflect and work through how you're being affected, and that's really great.
I notice you mentioned that she has the control at the moment, and given her behaviour/her parents' attitude, that might not change. Do you think you could try living for one day as if she was still your friend, to see how it felt and how you would cope? And then living another day as if she was no longer in your life, and you could practise accepting that?
Hope all is going as well as can be, look forward to hearing from you again!
Could you further elaborate on how one would live a day with her as my friend, when I cannot even contact her.
Hey @Kee33 sure. Sorry if I came across as insensitive there, it was never my intention 
I guess it would be about internally allowing yourself to be open to the idea of friendship, about how you thought about the situation.
Looking back, that was a horrible suggestion I made and I'm really sorry. Feel free to ignore it, and/or me
Wishing you the best of luck with all this
Thanks for re-evaluating your question before, however; it never came across as insensitive 🙂
I understand what you mean in terms of internally allowing, it's just for the past month(s) I've been wanting her as a friend really badly it's to the point now where I know there is still attachment. So it all goes back to that constant war of logic knowing to let her go but my feelings wanting her presence in my life.
Does that make sense?
Thanks
