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TW: Not again

I’ve already said it 1000x but if restrictions are reimposed and lockdown happens again I’m out and I won’t cope. tonight I went for a bike ride, i stopped at the beach not far from my house and was reading some news articles on my phone, there’s a new case of covid not in hotel quarantine in Victoria. While riding home I thought about doing something on the way home. Not seriously but enough to scare me. I kept thinking no no no you have good people around you, but the thought kept coming back, what if I just end it? All these last few weeks I’ve been worried that all of the good things I have to look forward will be shadowed by something bad happening and this is the bad thing, this is why I won’t make it to see my new baby or why I won’t make it to friends birthday in a couple of weeks, covid and lockdowns are going to break me and I can’t do it anymore 

Saltwaterdreamtime
SaltwaterdreamtimePosted 03-02-2021 10:16 PM
 
 
 
 
 
Saltwaterdreamtime
SaltwaterdreamtimePosted 11-02-2021 12:10 PM

I’m sick of teetering on the edge of a lockdown @Bre-RO, because we are. I’m sick of just not knowing and like you said, living in the moment is good, but I need the future I need to know what that will look like, even what the next 3 days will look like but we can’t even plan that. 
Thanks, I don’t know why I said those things. I just did. Such an idiot. I thought I was past that but I’m still a stupid little jerk who doesn’t know how to shut up 

 
 
 
 
 
Bre-RO
Bre-ROPosted 11-02-2021 02:06 PM

Hey @Saltwaterdreamtime I totally get your point of view, bringing myself into the present is a daily/hourly struggle. I am a forward planner in a lot of ways and I hate not being able to think the way I usually can. 

 

I don't see you as a stupid little jerk, I see you as someone who is struggling, has their plate full and someone who is trying to place their frustration towards something tangible. I also know you care about people and thats why you'd be feeling upset about last night. 

 
 
 
 
 
Saltwaterdreamtime
SaltwaterdreamtimePosted 11-02-2021 02:48 PM

@Bre-RO I felt like I wasn’t being heard so I was trying to make myself noticed, by anyone. A grown up way of saying I thought that if I picked a fight somebody would pay attention to me. Ridiculous and childish, but you’re right I’m anxious right now about not just covid, a lot of things. I’m sorry I did that. I’ve done that on here before ( years ago) and it’s not nice and I should have learnt from that, because I essentially was a bully and that person never came back. 
god I’m angry at myself for acting like this, I’m really angry at myself because I thought I was better then that I thought I was past this bullshit. 

 
 
 
 
 
Bre-RO
Bre-ROPosted 11-02-2021 03:15 PM

I think it shows a great deal that you can have this open conversation @Saltwaterdreamtime  We all have those thoughts like "ugh I thought I was past this". I feel like for me I revert to old behaviours when I am under a lot of pressure and it sounds like the same thing happened for you. Just because you had a moment of anger/frustration doesn't mean all the work you've done is gone, it just means you're human and probably feel a isolated and exhausted. Would it make you feel better to type out a heartfelt apology (when you're up to it)? 

 
 
 
 
 
Saltwaterdreamtime
SaltwaterdreamtimePosted 11-02-2021 03:32 PM

I’m really tired and full of anxiety, I am  a ball of anxiety at this point @Bre-RO 

Sorry for acting that way though. I will apologise at some stage but not right now. 

 
 
 
 
 
Bre-RO
Bre-ROPosted 11-02-2021 04:00 PM

I'm sorry you're tired and anxious, such a shit combo for you. Look after yourself and do what you need, when you need to do it @Saltwaterdreamtime Heart 

 
 
 
 
 
Saltwaterdreamtime
SaltwaterdreamtimePosted 11-02-2021 03:35 PM
And thanks to both of you for being understanding and taking the time to talk about this with me.
 
 
 
 
 
Lost_Space_Explorer5
Lost_Space_Explorer5Posted 11-02-2021 05:41 PM

@Saltwaterdreamtime I'm sorry things are so stressful right now 😞 We are here to listen and talk to you, sometimes it might take a bit to get back or sometimes users don't feel up to supporting others about tough topics. It's really important to respect people's boundaries and wishes on here so everyone can feel safe and supported. Last night sounds like it was really really tough and scary and the RO staff weren't around to support you in the way you needed cause it was getting late 😞 It's good you were drawing on strategies with talking to people, perhaps we should come up with a plan of who you can talk to when it's late at night and the forums aren't moderated? Can you think of anyone? There are always helplines but some people find them unhelpful or a bit of a gamble. How do you find them? If that fails, do you have any other strategies to get through those really intense times

 
 
 
 
 
Saltwaterdreamtime
SaltwaterdreamtimePosted 11-02-2021 06:31 PM

I don’t need a plan but thanks @Lost_Space_Explorer5 Helplines are generally pretty useless 

 
 
 
 
 
Sophia-RO
Sophia-ROPosted 11-02-2021 08:07 PM

Sorry to hear that has been your experience @Saltwaterdreamtime. Do you have any other strategies that you can use? Have you been able to talk to your partner about how you have been feeling lately? If so, did you find it to be helpful?

 
 
 
 
 
Saltwaterdreamtime
SaltwaterdreamtimePosted 11-02-2021 08:13 PM

Yeah I do but only some of it, like not last night @Sophia-RO 

 
 
 
 
 
Saltwaterdreamtime
SaltwaterdreamtimePosted 11-02-2021 10:12 PM

The thought of lockdown is making me want to vomit 

 
 
 
 
 
Sophia-RO
Sophia-ROPosted 11-02-2021 11:01 PM

I am sorry that you are feeling distressed tonight and having a difficult time @Saltwaterdreamtime. Are there any strategies that you could use tonight to help yourself feel a bit better? I will be logging off now, but it sounds like it would be helpful for you to talk with someone else about how you are feeling. Could you talk with your partner or would you be open to giving a helpline such as Mensline or Suicide Call Back service another try?

 
 
 
 
 
Saltwaterdreamtime
SaltwaterdreamtimePosted 11-02-2021 11:06 PM

Yeah well can’t do that when she’s asleep can I and mensline is useless unless I want to be waiting 4 hours 

just fucking Forget I even tried because that’s 2 nights in a row somebody has said we’re here if you need to talk and just ignored me 

 
 
 
 
 
Saltwaterdreamtime
SaltwaterdreamtimePosted 11-02-2021 10:34 PM

Because it’s going to happen 

 
 
 
 
 
Saltwaterdreamtime
SaltwaterdreamtimePosted 11-02-2021 10:45 PM

get fucked, honestly over it, you all said you would be there for me if I needed to talk well I am here and nothing from anyone, so much for being there for me.

 
 
 
 
 
Saltwaterdreamtime
SaltwaterdreamtimePosted 11-02-2021 08:41 PM

I should, but I don’t 🤪

 
 
 
 
 
Saltwaterdreamtime
SaltwaterdreamtimePosted 11-02-2021 09:40 PM

I literally feel like I can’t breathe like I can’t get a breath in

 
 
 
 
 
Lost_Space_Explorer5
Lost_Space_Explorer5Posted 11-02-2021 03:07 PM

Awh @Saltwaterdreamtime Heart 😞 It's really good of you to be honest with us about what's been going on even though what you said was not okay. Sorry I misread what went on, it's quite an honest thing you're doing now by owning up to what was really happening. We all have done things we regret when emotions are intense, I'm certainly guilty of that. It sounds like you lashed out because you were so hurt and angry and desperate for someone to help? It makes sense but yeah I know you know that still doesn't make it okay to say something like that to someone else 😞 We do want these forums to be a safe and supportive space for everyone. I can definitely empathise you because I've definitely fallen back into unhelpful ways of managing anger and sadness before even though I had thought I'd gotten past it. Don't beat yourself up too much about this. What you choose to do next is in your control- this could be learning from this and repairing things with the other user? When we make mistakes, we can feel like we're a bad person, I certainly have. But doing something that's not okay doesn't make you a bad person, I think it just makes you human? 

 
 
 
 
 
Saltwaterdreamtime
SaltwaterdreamtimePosted 11-02-2021 03:30 PM

I was scared @Lost_Space_Explorer5 and I didn’t feel I had anyone to talk to how I was feeling. I was trying to reach out to different people but the coping strategy I chose to use (talking to people) failed so I was looking for something different. 

 
 
 
 
 
Saltwaterdreamtime
SaltwaterdreamtimePosted 10-02-2021 10:57 PM
And you want me to get support for myself when I’m upset like this but here I am doing my best but nobody wants to listen to me so why do I bother
 
Andrea-RO
Andrea-ROPosted 03-02-2021 10:48 PM

Hey @Saltwaterdreamtime, I know just how hard it has been for us, and everyone else in Vic, to go through the isolations. I don't think there's any other wird to describe it except for being fucked, honestly. I understand why the idea of another lockdown would be stressing you out immensely, but I really want to reassure you that I think things won't get bad like that. I think from those initial lockdowns we had, our government really learnt how to manage things and make sure everything still functions and works smoothly. I was looking at the news articles today as well, though I think the person who tested positive ended up being one of the guards at the hotel lockdowns, which explains where it came from 😊

 

I am a bit worried about you and your safety right now though, it sounds like things are really really intense for you. Are you ok?

 
 
Saltwaterdreamtime
SaltwaterdreamtimePosted 03-02-2021 10:58 PM

Also our premier would put us into lockdown at a flick of the switch if he could @Andrea-RO 

 
 
Saltwaterdreamtime
SaltwaterdreamtimePosted 03-02-2021 10:57 PM

Yeah an AUSTRALIA FUCKING OPEN GUARD!! why do they have the tennis when this is “so wildly infectious” but now the millions of Victorians now have to pay the price!! How is that fair? I’m over it 

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