@Bree-RO Hm I more meant trust in terms of...it's hard to explain, I guess I meant like sometimes I'll feel like I've been treated badly, especially with things that have happened in the hospital system and with some sexual situations and stuff, but I feel like because I have bpd I'm irrational and reactive so I can't trust myself to know when I've been taken advantage of or when someone else has done the wrong thing. So I end up feeling trapped in feeling angry because I feel like I've been victimised in some way and then going 'hey no I'm the crazy one with the cognitive distortions, probably this was okay' and then hating myself for even thinking that about someone else. And I wish I could just trust myself to be rational so I could feel okay about asking for some sort of change or justice.
It's something that comes up when I hear about ableism or racism and I feel like certain things have affected me in certain ways but also don't believe that I'm not just overreacting to normal, reasonable things. I can distinguish it sometimes - like, my counsellor cancelling a session might make me feel bad but they haven't done anything wrong, whereas me being restrained for way too long in an ED makes me feel bad and is wrong because it doesn't follow current policy but I still don't really believe or trust my interpretation of events. and sometimes it's even harder to tell, like, is this health professional actually being very condescending or am I just being oversensitive? Was this situation my fault or was I taken advantage of?
It's probably also partially the black and white thinking thing of bpd where either I'm a victim or I'm evil and there's no room in between for the simple reality of everyone involved being human and not always interacting in healthy ways. So probably I just need to work on my understanding of dialectics I guess. But also like...there are some things that I feel upset about and I feel like I can't heal from them without acknowledging them (like racism) but I also can't allow myself to acknowledge them.
Ah sorry that was a very long rambling explanation, I hope it made sense
Aghhh @DruidChild I am always BLOWN away by your incredibly intelligent mind and your eloquent writing. I know this is very hard for you, but gosh your words will help so many.
A friend of mine recently introduced me to the concept of Situational BPD. Sometimes the BPD reactivity and confusion can escalate when we are dealing with difficult situations, or more likely - very difficult and manipulative people. To me it sounds like your feelings aren't totally the issue, in fact your feelings are valid and actually no different than any other human. For me, if my therapist cancels - I feel completely shitted off. The challenge is the severity of the feeling. I might feel it at a 7, but you would feel it at a 10 (if this makes sense). I think it's important to remember it's a process, a long process, and you do a lot of work reflecting and breathing and considering. I know they feel all consuming, but the more you zone in on the notion of self-love, self-compassion and just acknowledging that you're actually doing super damn well, the quicker the recovery. I am going to tag some crew for their ideas however
@scared01 @litgym @Bee @ErinsAntics @N1ghtW1ng @FootyFan26 @mrmusic
Thank you @Bree-RO you have no idea how much that means. All I want in life is to help other people heal.
Oh, that's really really interesting! A lot of my feeling angry lately is coming from feeling like I'm being treated like I am the problem and if I fix myself and my behaviour and emotions things will be okay, whereas I feel like a lot of my 'emotional' problems are also situational. I feel like I'm being taught to comply instead of being helped to heal and it's very frustrating because I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with feeling strong or all consuming emotions. So the idea of situational bpd is cool and interesting, thank you
Oh totally @DruidChild there's nothing wrong with you. Do you have any practitioner's that you feel are your ally, and not trying to "fix"? Yep it is just an idea haha, I like it though as a concept! You will/do help people for sure, the world needs counsel from the integrated wounded.
I'm so totally lost in how to respond to what you've writen, but I wanted you to know I've read it.
You mentioned that you don't think there's anything wrong with feeling strong or all consuming emotions, and I agree with this; it's more about how you handle and cope with these strong emotions that is the main thing I think.
Remember you're amazing just as you are
Thanks @Bree-RO. Yeah with my old counsellor I felt much more comfortable with her and like her values were more similar to mine I guess. I am still going to be seeing her very occasionally. It's nothing against this form of therapy or these therapists that I'm seeing now, it just feels like it might not be the right fit for me which is frustrating because if I don't do it I'll be labelled non-compliant with treatment which will affect my ability to access other forms of care from this place AND my ability to get my nursing registration when I finish studying (because I've attempted suicide I'm considered 'a danger to the public' and have to be compliant with treatment in order to get registered). Or at least that's how I understood what the psychiatrist told me.
@Bee Thank you - it helps a lot to know I'm being heard I totally agree that it's more about how you cope! Maybe this is oversensitive but I think I'm especially sensitive to the idea of trying to change/stop your emotions because I feel like it's edging towards conversion therapy rhetoric - telling us to just stop feeling what we're feeling and instead feel something more acceptable.
That's a valid criticism of a lot of types of CBT (including DBT). It operates under the assumption that some of our feelings are fundamentally wrong, and that we should try and change them. But then... how can they be wrong if they exist? Surely they must have some evolutionary purpose for them to exist in the first place.
How much longer do you have to go with the DBT program? It's good that you still have the option of seeing your old counsellor occasionally
No human being, however great or powerful, was ever so free as a fish
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