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Conflicted and Confused

 So I broke up with someone months ago. We never fought and we never had any problem until he decided to cheat on me. Then he told me he wanted to leave me because he wasn't healthy for me, saying he wasn't fit for anyone, but he turns around and gets together with the girl he cheated on me with. That girl was another persons girlfriend before that and they broke up so she could be with myt ex. I got together and have been very happy with my new s/o. We argue often, but we forgive quickly and get along extremely well. We have a close relationship and we love each other without a doubt! But I'm a friendly person and he (my s/o) is paranoid. So whenever I hang out with my friends and my ex is around, my s/o gets jealous and nervous because he thinks I shouldn't be around my ex at all. What should I do? I'm not the type of person to just shut someone out of my life, let alone most of my friends. But I also don't want to make my boyfriend upset with me. Should I talk to him? What do I do? Please help me. 

Re: Conflicted and Confused

Hey @FenraiSicktaWat

First of all, it sounds terrible to have had the experience of being cheated on. I can imagine how bad it must have felt l to also have him go back on his word. I just wanted to say how awesome it is that despite this negative experience that you've been able to form a close relationship with someone new. Are there any methods or strategies you would like to share with us that helped you to move on? 

 

Its also really great that you have been able to identify positive aspects of your relationship amongst some evident negatives. I'm glad you have been able to find someone you get along extremely well with and can say you love. I know thats something a lot of people are looking for, including me. 

However, it sounds like your significant other being paranoid and jealous is putting strain on your relationship. Can I just confirm that its most evident when your ex is around? I'm definitely a people pleaser, so I understand how difficult it can be to want to avoid making someone upset while simultaneously possibly hurting another person. Its definitely a tough situation to be in.

 

 I've dealt with people in my life who have experienced jealousy too, and it has always helped to have a conversation with them that reinforces how much I value them, and that someone else in my life doesn't take away from the relationship I share with them. Is this a conversation you could have with your significant other? If you think so, let me know and maybe we can explore some ways you could begin one. 

Let me know how everything goes Smiley Happy


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Re: Conflicted and Confused

Hi @FenraiSicktaWat. So sorry to hear you were cheated on. I think it's great that you're now happy with your significant other. I'd say in general that honesty is the best policy. If your s/o realises how much distress this is causing you, they might change their mind. Does that sound possible?

 

Let us know how you go! 

// Spiral outward, keep going. //

Re: Conflicted and Confused

Hi guys. So things have settled down in that department, with me and my s/o. He and I had a talk and we are all good now, he's agreed to calm down a bit with his paranoia and I promised to keep my distance but still be polite to my friends, so I don't hurt anyones feelings. Smiley Happy As for the question on how I got to moving on, (made my Beesting, I believe,) I just kept my head up and focused on the positive, and any silver linings that could be, from my new standpoint. What are the good things to have come out of the breakup? What have I gained and what have I lost? I lost a guy that loved me, sure, but that guy was a liar and a cheat, I'm better off without him, honestly. I'm so much better off with my new s/o. I love him dearly.  So yeah, that's the update on that situation, everyone! Smiley Very Happy

 

There's a small struggle that seems to have come up, is that my s/o has a very strong opinion about having kids. I have a strong opinion about not having kids. He has been very final about the subject, and has told me, "I will have children, regardless if you're the mother or not." He, is referring to surrogate mothers, of course (we covered that) but he doesn't grasp the idea that I (and I'm sorry if that sounds selfish) just don't want to be a mom anytime soon. Of course, i may change my mind, but I doubt it. I don't want to go through emotional, physical, and mental pain of raising a child. I don't want to spend a bunch of money that I don't have, and he won't have either, and he just keeps telling me "We would make it work."

I was raised in a poor family and am not very rich, even today. He isn't either. I don't know, guys. We've been butting heads about it for weeks. I don't know what to do here. Should I just let him have kids with a surrogate? Should I just give in and have the kid myself someday? Should I just tell him no? What are your suggestions?

Re: Conflicted and Confused

@FenraiSicktaWat

 

This is a tricky one! It sounds like you've got some pretty legit concerns about having children and that perhaps the surrogacy thing doesn't address all of those concerns.

 

How much of this do you feel you've communicated with him? And what has his response been?

Re: Conflicted and Confused

Hello @FenraiSicktaWat,

 

 

I think that you and your significant other need to sit down and have a good talk. You need to explain to him and whilst you love him very much, he is not the only person you love in your life, nor should he be. It is simply not healthy. You need the freedom to keep whatever company you choose and he should not have control over that. You cannot ditch your friends or hobbies or what had essentially made you you for him. Otherwise, you would not be the person he fell in love with. You need to explain to him that you understand his fears and is appreciative of the fact that he cares, but there is nothing to worry about as nothing will happen between you and your ex. Reassure him and remind him that you will not make the same mistake of choosing someone who have cheated on you.

 

Good luck!

 

Winter Rain.

Re: Conflicted and Confused

@FenraiSicktaWat sounds like a bit of a tough situation. Most of all you wouldn't want to be forced into something you don't want/that would make you uncomfortable. Would he/you consider other options, like fostering or adopting at some point in the future? 

// Spiral outward, keep going. //