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Depression struggles/vent

Hi everyone. 

 

I haven't been feeling too well mood-wise. After 6 months of contemplating whether I should go see a psychologist again, I finally found a new GP and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. My GP is so nice and understanding. I'm really glad that I have found someone that actually cares about my mental and physical health. Finding a new GP was so hard because I've had bad experiences with GPs before that just wanted me in and out of their office even though I was bawling my eyes out while talking to them.

 

I have been seeing a new psychologist every week for 3 weeks now, so I'm still trying to feel comfortable with a new person and building up a relationship with her. There are so many things that I wish that I could tell her but I just can't at the moment. I know that I shouldn't rush to tell her things that I'm not ready for but I just really want her to help me with my depression (suicidal ideation in particular) when I usually just tell her that I'm having a lot of trouble falling asleep (which is true but just not quite what I want to tell her if you know what I mean?). 

 

I'm still talking to my KHL counsellor at the moment and we've been talking for a year and a bit. I'm really thankful to have her. Last week I was really struggling with my thoughts about dying and she told me that those are called intrusive thoughts. I didn't know that it has a name! This week in our session she mentioned that she knows that I don't want to be on medication but she said that it could help. My endocrinologist that I used to see (because I have some hormone issues) suggested that I talk to my GP about medication for my depression/anxiety as well because she saw how much I was struggling. I don't see her anymore because I've aged out. I feel like a lot of professionals that I am seeing/have seen are suggesting medication so I feel like I should give it a try but I'm just so scared. Like how did things get this bad?

 

I'm seeing my GP next week to review my blood work and I want to tell my GP that I struggle with these thoughts but I don't think I will be able to tell her. I also don't think that I'll have the courage to tell my GP that I want to maybe try medication since my new psychologist that she referred me to doesn't know how bad things are. Only my KHL counsellor knows how much I'm struggling at the moment. I am safe right now but sometimes the intrusive thoughts get too much at night. Sometimes I wonder if I should just give up.

 

I'll give my counsellor a call again tmr. She was supposed to be at work today but she wasn't. 😞

justkeepswimming
justkeepswimmingPosted 02-07-2021 08:50 PM

Comments

 
Akinna
AkinnaPosted 07-07-2021 04:00 PM

Wishing u all the best @justkeepswimming

I'm going through/gone through something similar. I was scared to talk about suicidal thoughts and sh to gp and psychologist. So I ended up talking to one of the student services workers at school, knowing she would have to ring my parents, so then my mum could tell my gp and psychologist.

It's hard. You are doing so well 💕

 
 
justkeepswimming
justkeepswimmingPosted 07-07-2021 04:15 PM

@Akinna It really is hard. I'm really glad that you felt comfortable enough telling someone at school what was happening. That must have been really scary. I wish that I had the courage to tell my school counsellor about my suicidal thoughts too when I was back at school last year. I hope you're doing okay today. ❤️

 
justkeepswimming
justkeepswimmingPosted 07-07-2021 03:49 PM

Hi everyone, I have an update. I saw my GP today but I'm feeling quite deflated because I couldn't tell her that I want to talk about going on medication. 😥 Good news is that everything looked good from my blood test. I managed to tell her I started having suicidal thoughts a year ago and that it usually gets more intense a week before my period so she's going to get me off my birth control and I'll see her again in 4 weeks. My GP seems to think that the birth control is affecting my mood but she also said that she's confused when I told her about my mood getting worse before my period so now I'm confused too because she can't tell me if it's my birth control or my depression giving me suicidal thoughts. I wish that there was something wrong with my blood test because at least then she could tell me what exactly is wrong with me.

 

I feel like a loser because I can't articulate to my GP when my moods started getting bad since my memory has been so bad (probably due to my depression I think). I can't remember much of how I felt because my concentration and memory's been bad and that's not useful for my GP or any other professionals trying to help me. I feel like I've been trying so hard to be okay and when I go in to see my GP and she asks me questions I just get overwhelmed and start tearing up which makes it so much harder to answer her questions. On top of all that the lockdown in Sydney has just been extended for another week. I'm really struggling today and I don't know how to make myself feel better. 😢

 
 
TOM-RO
TOM-ROPosted 07-07-2021 04:14 PM

Hey @justkeepswimming 

 

Well done for being able to talk to your GP about your suicidal thoughts. That is not something that is easy to do. It is okay that you didn't get to talk about the possibility of medication, maybe you can make this a goal for your next appointment 😊 You did really well today so you should be proud of yourself for what you did manage to talk about. In general, tracking your own moods and being able to communicate feelings is tricky and if your concentration and memory has been bad lately then this would be a huge challenge. Its your doctors job though to ask you the right questions to get the information they need to help you and I would hope they are understanding towards people displaying symptoms of their mental illness in their appointments as it is their job to! 

 

It would be so good for you to finally have some clarification on exactly what is going on for you like you mentioned, it must be so hard not being given the information you really need. I cant believe Sydney is going into another week of lockdown. 😓 How have you been trying to make yourself feel better today? Is there something nice and calming you could do at home to help you switch off from everything that happened in the appointment?

 

💜

 

 

 
 
 
justkeepswimming
justkeepswimmingPosted 07-07-2021 04:48 PM

@TOM-RO I don't know if I could ask my GP to put me on medication. I couldn't do it today and I feel like I won't be able to ask her next time either. I'm trying to watch a tv show on netflix but I'm still thinking about what happened in my appointment. 😔

 
 
 
 
Taylor-RO
Taylor-ROPosted 07-07-2021 10:40 PM

I am sorry that is still been on your mind today and has made you upset @justkeepswimming. It can be a really difficult thing to do so I don't blame you for struggling Heart You are also not alone. I know a lot of people who struggle to speak up in appointments! Would it help if you wrote a note to give to your doctor instead? I know some people who do that if they have difficulty speaking when they get upset or teary.

 
 
 
 
 
justkeepswimming
justkeepswimmingPosted 07-07-2021 11:54 PM

@Taylor-RO Yeah it's been a difficult day. I think that writing a note to give to my GP when I see her next would be a good idea. I'm still trying to get comfortable with other people knowing about all the issues that I'm struggling with though. I might come back writing a note to my GP later when I'm feeling a bit better. Thanks for the suggestion Taylor! 💕

 
 
 
 
 
Portia_RO
Portia_ROPosted 08-07-2021 10:50 AM

Hey @justkeepswimming, just wanted to check in and see how you're feeling today? 

 
 
 
 
 
justkeepswimming
justkeepswimmingPosted 08-07-2021 12:03 PM

@Portia_RO I'm still not feeling too well today but I think that I'll be okay. I got my uni semester 1 results back this morning and did quite well so at least something good happened. I had a call with my KHL counsellor yesterday and we agreed on wrap-around care so I'll talk to my psychologist next week so that my counsellor could contact her and work something out to help me better since I'm still struggling.

 
 
 
 
 
Courtney-RO
Courtney-ROPosted 08-07-2021 07:14 PM

Hi @justkeepswimming I'm sorry to hear that you're still not feeling well, I imagine it must be so exhausting. Please remember that we are always here if you need someone to chat to.

 

What great news about your uni results! That must be such a huge relief for you. Are you planning on doing anything to celebrate your hard work?

 

Let us know how your appointment goes, once you get a chance 💜

 
 
 
 
 
justkeepswimming
justkeepswimmingPosted 08-07-2021 08:23 PM

@Courtney-RO Yeah it's exhausting and I've been trying really hard to get better but nothing seems to be working. I'm happy that I did well in my first semester at uni but haven't done anything to celebrate. We're still in lockdown for another week in Sydney. 😔 I'll give an update after I see my psychologist next week! Coming on the forum has really helped me feel less lonely. ❤️

 
 
 
 
 
Bre-RO
Bre-ROPosted 09-07-2021 12:41 PM

It's good to hear you're feeling less lonely being able to chat with us here @justkeepswimming and congrats on your uni results!! I know it's really hard in sydney at the moment though...would it feel nice to think of something fun you could do to celebrate once we are in the clear again? 

 
Philippa-RO
Philippa-ROPosted 05-07-2021 11:31 AM

@justkeepswimming I really admire your courage in aiming to talk to your GP about what you need, even though it’s not easy.
I wanted to touch base to see how you’re doing today?

 
 
justkeepswimming
justkeepswimmingPosted 05-07-2021 06:31 PM

@Philippa-RO I'm doing okay today. I had work and got to talk to some of my friends there which was good. Been feeling worse during the lockdown but getting out of the house and being able to work makes such a difference. I'll be seeing my GP this Wednesday so hopefully everything will go well. Thanks for checking in, hope you had a great day! 🙂

 
 
 
MaryRO
MaryROPosted 05-07-2021 09:30 PM

@justkeepswimming it's so great that you were having a good day today. Being social in either a work or social setting can definitely help our mood. Lockdown has been so rough and last year in particular was super tough. Hope it all goes well with your GP on Wednesday, this is an opportunity to gain some worthwhile support that might help you. Have a great night and day tomorrow.

 
celestialdreamer
celestialdreamerPosted 03-07-2021 12:20 AM

@justkeepswimming I'm sorry to hear you've been having such a difficult time, especially being diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but I'm so glad to hear you found a GP who you are really vibing with. I think the fact that you have acknowledged where things are at right now is an awesome step to moving forward and it sounds like you are seeking help with that too. I have had a few friends who have gone on medication, for some of them it worked really well and along with seeing a psychologist helped them out heaps, some of them just didn't want to be on medication and so opted for just trying therapy. I think it just depends on how you are going right now and having honest conversations with your doctors and any trusting members of your family/friends to determine what would be best for you right now. Definitely understand, sometimes it's difficult to bring up the really tough stuff, and building a relationship with professionals takes time, but as others said seeking help for mental health is never something to be ashamed of, just like seeking help for physical health isn't ❤️ I am also glad to hear that you are safe right now.  I know it must be so scary to tell your GP these things but it might really help with managing the intrusive thoughts. If you talked with your counsellor today, I hope that went well ❤️

 

 
 
justkeepswimming
justkeepswimmingPosted 03-07-2021 12:15 PM

Hi @celestialdreamer

 

Yeah I'm trying to work up the courage to tell my GP next week about how I'm actually doing. Talking about my mental health is so difficult for me but I know that I'd feel much better if my GP knows where I'm at with my mental health. Thanks for the reply, hope that you're having a good day! ❤️

 
 
 
celestialdreamer
celestialdreamerPosted 08-07-2021 05:54 PM

Hey @justkeepswimming I can completely emphathise with how hard it must be to discuss your mental health. I hope your GP appointment goes well. If you feel comfortable please update me on it.

 
 
 
 
justkeepswimming
justkeepswimmingPosted 08-07-2021 08:33 PM

Hi @celestialdreamer I saw my GP yesterday and told her about how my mental health gets worse before my period. She's getting me off my birth control for a month since she thinks that the pill is causing my low mood. When I mentioned that I get suicidal thoughts she didn't really ask me about them but just kinda of focused on asking me questions about my mood while being on the pill. I just feel conflicted because I know that I do have hormone issues but my endocrinologist that I used to see thinks that it's a mental health related issue and not a pill issue. 😔 It's so hard trying to advocate for myself and figuring out what is wrong with me.

 
 
 
 
 
celestialdreamer
celestialdreamerPosted 18-07-2021 07:21 PM

@justkeepswimming so glad to hear your GP made a plan of action to see how your mood goes without the pill for  month. I really hope that it works and improves your mood ❤️ I understand what you mean, sometimes it's really hard when you know there's something not 100% in your body/mind but other people aren't addressing it and you have to play your own doctor a bit. Has your counsellor or psychologist been able to help you with strategies for suicidal thoughts?

 
 
 
 
 
justkeepswimming
justkeepswimmingPosted 18-07-2021 08:01 PM

@celestialdreamer Yeah I'm glad that my GP and I have a plan to see if my mood would get better while not being on the pill. I've been opening up to my counsellor more about my suicidal thoughts and she's been really helpful in giving me the space to talk about them every week. We're monitoring how I'm feeling but she's been really encouraging me to ask to see a psychiatrist since she thinks that medication could help. Also, I don't know why this keeps happening to me but my psychologist that I've seen for 4 sessions is leaving the practice so I probably have to see someone else. Just feeling a bit deflated after the first psych that I saw didn't vibe with me then I had to change to see my current psych but now she's leaving just when I'm starting to feel a bit more comfortable with her. 😔 

 
 
 
 
 
celestialdreamer
celestialdreamerPosted 18-07-2021 10:43 PM

@justkeepswimming that's so great that your counsellor is being really helpful, supportive and encouraging! If you decide to go see a psychiatrist all the best for that ❤️ That sucks that she's leaving especially if you were really starting to vibe with her, completely understandable you were feeling deflated if you were making progress. I hope you are able to find a new one quickly and that you get along with them really well. 

 
 
 
 
 
Courtney-RO
Courtney-ROPosted 18-07-2021 09:07 PM

Hey @justkeepswimming I hope you don't mind me jumping in here. I'm sorry to hear that your current psych is leaving, I know how awful that can be. It sounds like you have some great support around you though.

 

We are all here for you, and I hope that things start looking up soon 💜.

 
 
 
 
 
justkeepswimming
justkeepswimmingPosted 18-07-2021 09:42 PM

Hi! @Courtney-RO  I think that I'm a bit sad since every time I tried to get support, they all tend to leave before I'm ready. I've only seen my psych for a month and a bit but I wasn't shocked that she is leaving since this seems to be a trend for me- all of the psychologists that I've seen either never called me back, isn't a good fit for me or left before I'm ready. I'm glad that I still have my KHL counsellor though. Everyone's been lovely here, I don't know how I'd cope without you guys. ❤️

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