Exhausted and lonely
Hi guys,
So I don't even know what to type right now because I feel like nothing I've been saying makes any sense.
I'm just exhausted and mentally drained in general, and I'm so tired of being so alone. Like, it's been a problem of mine all my life and it's not like I don't try. I volunteer and try to go to events and classes I'm interested in but every time I feel like an outsider looking in, or like there's this big sign on my head that says 'DO NOT APPROACH'. So often I'm standing in a circle where the others are talking around me, not to me. Everyone else seems to connect so fluently but I'm lucky if just one person asks me how I am. Apart from family there's just one person I speak to regularly (who I'm lucky to see once a month because schedules, etc). I have so many ideas and thoughts I want to share with others, and I just generally want to live amongst others but I can't because I don't fit in anywhere.
Another thing is I'm still struggling a lot with my past break-up and I can't help but wonder retrospectively how much it has damaged me. It was my first relationship, long-distance (she lived in the US). I went over to the States to visit her in January and she broke up with me about two weeks after I returned home for reasons I'm still not so sure of. Despite promising we still could be friends she blocked me on all of social media. It just hurts so much because it takes a lot for me to let people in and trust them, and it's a rare thing for people to want to be close to me. I spoke about it to my new psychologist last week and it felt really good, but I just can't help worrying that this is it for me-- this was my one chance for connection and love and I blew it. That I'm unlovable because of my anxiety and depression (I have reason to suspect my anxiety problems played a big role in the relationship downfall). I've since attempted to at least make friends online but I get too anxious and more often than not the other person's rude to me for taking awhile to respond.
I'm just exhausted lately and all I want to do is sleep. It seems no matter how hard I try to make things better nothing works for me. I'm scared because I'm going back to uni in two months after about a year break but I don't even know if I'll be ready yet. I don't want to fall into the exact same problems again but I'm just tired. 
Thanks for reading.
Comments
@scared01 thanks for checking in!
Life has been a bit up and down, especially with my broken wrist and being in the hospital twice over two months. I've been managing pretty well, but now that it's assignment time at uni again and I can't really let myself rest as well as I was able to I'm starting to struggle a bit.
@Hozzles That sounds so difficult. It must have been so stressful having the broken wrist and being in hospital. Would any services at your uni by of any help? They might be able to suggest some supports for assignments and exams.
There are also lots of other resources that can help with things like time management, scheduling, taking breaks and not procrastinating. I could show you some of them if you think they would help.
Hi everyone,
Thanks for all listening to me and taking the time to comment, it means a lot. 
I have accessed the disability services at my uni last year! They gave me a plan that allows me to do my exams in a separate room, and to be able to request extensions without a doctor's certificate. 
I feel like I might have to reach out to the psychologists there soon, though.
I'm so stressed out at the moment because I had another appointment with my psychologist and feel like it's time to change. I leave feeling worse than I did when I walked in. Every session we basically sit in silence and she urges me to change my medication even though I really think it's working as best it can (she's never seen me without my meds). Like, without my meds I wouldn't be able to even leave the house and I think I've made huge leaps despite the amount of stress I've faced this year and it's a bit insulting to me for her to suggest I need them changed if I express just the slightest hint of any negative emotion. She won't really listen to me either, for example I expressed that uni really badly triggered me and she said 'I think everyone struggles at uni' and left it at that. I think I need to find someone that specialises in OCD but the process is so tiring and daunting, and I don't know if I'll be able to afford it anyway since I only have three free sessions left this year. 
@Hozzles I think it's great that the disability services were so helpful. 
It's no good that you feel as though the sessions aren't working. Why do you think your psychologist wants you to change your medications? Has she given a reason why? It's important to remember that while she probably does have some knowledge about medications, she does not have training in prescribing them or knowing when it's time to change them. Changing medication should really be handled by a doctor. Medications also can't eliminate all negative emotions, just possibly reduce some of your symptoms. Have you told her that you don't think that your medications are the issue and that you find them helpful?
It's really challenging and frustrating when you feel as though your psychologist isn't listening to you. Are you able to access a university psychology clinic? Many clinics provide free or low-cost services for students and particular issues. If they don't have experience in treating OCD, perhaps they would be able to refer you to someone who does. You can also find psychologists who specialise in treating OCD in your local area here.
that is really tough! i hope your wrist is healing, i an understanding that might be adding to some of your frustrations too. one handed can be so tricky.
would you be able to get some extensions on your assignments if you need to? being in hospital and having a broken wrist may warrant an extension or some help if you need
Hi @Hozzles! I'm sad that you've been struggling so much. It sounds like you're going through a really tough time at the moment and struggling with your self-confidence. I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. That really stinks. I'm sure you'll end up finding someone new eventually though. I know lots of people with mental health issues who have been in happy, fulfilling relationships. There are lots of supportive people out there. Your breakup may actually end up being a blessing in disguise, because you might be able to use this time to focus on yourself. I think it's a really brave step to discuss these issues with your new psychologist. I hope you'll end up finding the sessions useful.
I'm wondering whether it would be helpful to ask your psychologist for tips about talking to people and feeling confident. Sometimes when we don't feel confident in a social setting, it can show, which might reinforce negative feelings about yourself. When I feel like people are ignoring or not talking to me, it also helps to change my thoughts about potential reasons why this could be the case. For example, when I'm talking to someone online and they're taking a while to respond, it could be because they are taking a phone call or have to attend to a personal issue. The way we think about these types of situations can really impact on how we feel about ourselves.
I am currently feeling similarly in that I am very exhausted and end up spending a lot of time in bed. When I wake up, it's hard to stop myself from going back to sleep again and I usually end up having a nap as soon as I come back home from somewhere. In my case, there is a medical reason contributing to it, as well as stress and staying up late due to being a carer. I have to take medication for it. I think it's a good idea to talk to your GP about it because mine was really helpful. I also found exercise and gradually doing more each day to be useful.
@WheresMySquishy thank you for your reply! Sorry for updating so late, ahah!
I know, at the end of the day I know the break-up was probably for the best and really it was a big learning experience for me. Just within the last few days I've been feeling a little better already and have been talking to both new and old friends! My negative feelings still rear their ugly head though, but I feel like I'm getting somewhere.
I might bring that up for next time! I know I'm really bad at body language for myself (e.g. most of the time I can't make eye contact + I cross my arms etc), and I know others would probably interpret this the wrong way.
As for the feeling exhausted thing, I've been to the GP before and had my iron etc tested but I think it'd probably be worth doing it again, just in case. The other day I ordered myself a FitBit and I'm really excited and hoping it will help get me motivated, as well as tracking my sleep to see if there's any problems (like I'm afraid I might not be getting enough deep sleep for whatever reason).
Thanks again!
Hey @Hozzles hope you don't mind me jumping into the conversation 🙂
Sounds like you've been going through a really tough time and I want to commend you for the resilience and self-awareness you've shown throughout.
Great to hear that you've ordered a fitbit - you'll have to update us once it arrives!
I get what you meant about anxiety impacting how you respond online. I also tend to take ages to reply, for the same reason. I'm wondering if you've tried to explain your reasons to the people with whom you've been chatting?
Sometimes that makes it a bit easier for me 🙂
Looking forward to hearing from you! 🙂
Thank you guys so much again for listening! Thought this was a good time to update.
I got my FitBit about two weeks ago! I really like seeing the areas I can improve on, and how much activity I get in a day! My sleep is not as bad as I expected, but I still gotta work on improving my sleep cycle especially before uni goes back next month.
So, I feel like things are going downhill again. . This month so far has been too much. A few weeks ago my bearded dragon passed away (aged 8), uni is back next month and in a few days it'll be one year since my ex flew over from the US to meet me here for the first time. I've been making so much progress and I'm afraid of reaching a bad point again. I've just been feeling so stressed and awful. To make matters worse I feel like that bad aura that lets everyone know to stay away from me is going strong. I'm so lonely and every time I try to make a new friend it is completely useless. I can't connect with anyone, and I feel no one really cares about me. I can understand if one person takes a while to reply but when everyone else seems to disappear all at once I can't help but think there is something wrong with me. I know it's not really rational and of course I've been having a hard month... but I'm just so sick of this feeling. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere, and that I matter.
Hi again @Hozzles!
Yay! I'm glad you're enjoying the FitBit! Keep working on your sleep cycle. You're doing a great job so far! I find that practicing good sleep hygiene is kind of like learning a new skill. It's not going to be fixed overnight but in time, your circadian rhythm will adjust to the new pattern. Perhaps with better sleep, you'll experience better moods, so win-win!
I'm sorry that you've got so much happening this month and that you've been feeling so stressed. I can relate to being affected by 'anniversaries' of bad things that have happened or months that remind me of meeting people I have fallen out with.
I'm sure that there are other factors which could be preventing people from talking to you, and that it's not your fault. Maybe it would be a good idea to make a list or look online for conversation starters that you can use to liven up a conversation when it's going dead. Asking them questions about themselves is also a good strategy. This could also reveal whether people are really ignoring you because they're jerks or whether they seem interested in maintaining the conversation.
@Hozzles I'm glad you're feeling a bit better! I'm also happy that you're able to talk to your friends! I think you should do something to reward yourself.
I can relate to being bad at body language. A lot of people have told me that they think I look nervous or stressed. I've found that this relates to if I've done a lot of physical activity. So I try not to strike up conversations until I'm more relaxed and have had time to unwind from the exercise. Of course, other people telling me I look anxious makes me even more anxious.
The FitBit sounds exciting! I wish I had one! I think fitness trackers can be really helpful. I remember using an app that tracked my daily steps and it motivated me to exercise and reach the goal every day. I found that when I did this, I slept better and had more energy. There are also a lot of apps that can track your sleep. I think this article has a lot of good suggestions too if you're interested in improving your sleep.
