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Help for a friend, TW potentially

hi guys,

so I just signed up here because I’m super concerned about a friend and I really really don’t know how to help. I’ve known about their mental health concerns (they’re very anxious, potentially depressed, self harms a lot) for a few years. I was emailing kidshelpline last year but I found I got a bit stressed out from pressure to tell people what they’re going’s through so I stopped emailing 😕 The main reason I’m going to try and share again is because they’ve been getting worse. At the start of this year they stopped texting on our friendship group’s chat, and stopped texting me and most of our other friends personally. Of the one friend they did text, I’m not sure if they still talk about how they’re feeling. More recently (this developed during the last school term) they’ve started getting bad days where they don’t talk to me or any of my friends at all, don’t make eye contact and generally ignore people when they talk to them about how they’re feeling, or, like, anything in general. This used to happen every now and then but now it’s like every day, I’ve talked to them properly once in the past like five weeks (keep in mind we just hadn’t two weeks of holidays when I didn’t see them.) I’m really worried and I know they don’t want help, they’re not talking to anyone about what they’re going through and today is going to be an especially bad day because of an impending COVID lockdown.

so yeah sorry for the info dump haha but I don’t know what to do. I know they find me and others saying things like “it’ll be okay” and “you can do this” and stuff like that annoying, and I don’t know how to tell them I’m there for them, is there even a point if they don’t even text back, ever. Is there anyone who knows how I might be able to help them??? I’m just a bit concerned that this could get even worse, I don’t know if they’re considering suicide but that’s something I’m really scared might happen.

Lime_Walrus
Lime_WalrusPosted 15-07-2021 05:36 PM

Comments

 
Tiny_leaf
Tiny_leafPosted 19-07-2021 07:47 PM

Hi there @Lime_Walrus

 

I don't have much to say, but I'm also one of those people who finds positive comments annoying, and the worse I feel the more annoying they ge

But there are other ways you can talk to them!

 

Validation can be important. Sometimes if someone isn't feeling good and everyone's being super positive, it can feel like your feelings don't matter, you know?

Sometimes people need to hear that their feelings are okay and aren't silly.

You could say things like "that sucks" or "that sounds really hard"

 

Another thing is what @Taylor-RO said - it can sometimes feel unrealistic or uncertain, or like things getting better is so far away that it might never happen.

But there are positive things that can happen within a set timeframe.

Like they might not feel like things getting better is concrete enough to look forward to, but getting pizza with you on Tuesday, or doing a long-distance movie marathon or a nice phone call? That's something that is realistic, and that they know they won't be waiting forever for it. 

It also means that you and your friend get to do fun things together.

 

Another thing that can help is letting them know that you're there for them and that they can talk to you.

 

And like @Lost_Space_Explorer5 said, always put your own oxygen mask on first.

 

Anyway this turned out a bit longer than expected, but I hope some of it helps.

 
GioDes
GioDesPosted 15-07-2021 09:50 PM

Hi @Lime_Walrus

I am so sorry to hear about your situation that sounds so stressful!  Am I right in understanding that you've had some concerns for this mate's mental health for a while now, but recently you're noticing behaviours that indicate things might be getting worse? That sounds like a lot to have on your shoulders! 

 

In the past when mates of mine have been in similar positions I have had to remind myself that as much as I want to help and support them, it is their journey, and as much as I can continue checking in with compassion and holding space for that person, what happens from there is ultimately up to them! I think it is fair to say that this is something a lot of people struggle with as it is so hard to watch people we love go through pain, it is much easier said than done! But hopefully this experience can also be an opportunity for growth for this person too! That being said, it really sounds like you care for this friend a lot and again, I am really sorry to hear you are in this position! 

Are you chatting to any one else about your concerns or are there others who can support you too? ❤️

 
 
Lime_Walrus
Lime_WalrusPosted 16-07-2021 07:47 AM

@GioDes thank you for your comment! I have been concerned about my friend for a while now, and I do notice that they’re getting worse. I know covid doesn’t help, nor exams and exam results which came out recently as well.

it is hard to accept that its up to them but I know that it’ll only get better once they’re ready so I will have to keep reminding myself that!

thanks again :))

 
 
 
Sophia-RO
Sophia-ROPosted 16-07-2021 09:43 PM

I can understand why you have been feeling concerned about your friend lately @Lime_Walrus . Sounds like there is a lot going on right now too! It sounds like you are a really caring and supportive friend and it is good to hear that you are feeling okay about them getting better once they're ready. I am sure they appreciate you thinking about them and helping them out 😄.

 
Taylor-RO
Taylor-ROPosted 15-07-2021 07:40 PM

Hi @Lime_Walrus, it sounds like you are in a really tough situation. From what you have mentioned, you are a really good friend who is trying their best to help. Your friend is really lucky to have someone like you on their side. Reaching out to Kids Helpline and making a post here are some really awesome steps that you have taken, so great job! In fact, the counsellors at Kids Helpline are trained professionals designed to help in these kinds of situations. I am sorry to hear that you felt pressured to share information but there are other similar services available like Kids Helpline, if you feel comfortable giving them a go.

 

Everyone is different but sometimes positive statements can feel unrealistic when you are feeling really down and hopeless. This could be what is happening for your friend.. but letting them know that you are there for them can make a world of difference. You can't force someone to get help or to talk about what is going on but it can help to know that there is someone out there who is ready to listen if you ever feel like opening up 😀 We have some articles here about how you can talk to a friend - I would really encourage you to have a read if you've got the time, particularly 'what to do when someone doesn't want help'. If you ever think someone is in danger or is at risk as a result of what’s going on, it’s important that you seek help immediately.

 

I am also wondering if you have thought of getting some support for yourself? I imagine that this must be really stressful and difficult for you to go through. You don't have to do this alone and we are here to listen ❤️

 
 
Lime_Walrus
Lime_WalrusPosted 15-07-2021 07:55 PM

@Taylor-RO

thanks also for your reply! I do think that they feel that positives statements are unrealistic, and thanks for the articles. They’re really useful 🙂

 
 
 
Taylor-RO
Taylor-ROPosted 15-07-2021 10:35 PM

You are most welcome @Lime_Walrus! I also realised that I posted Kids Helpline again, even though you said you have already used that service. I meant to link Lifeline and eHeadspace, sorry about that 😃

 
Lost_Space_Explorer5
Lost_Space_Explorer5Posted 15-07-2021 06:00 PM

Hey @Lime_Walrus thanks for sharing a little bit about what's been going on and for reaaching out. It sounds like a really stressful situation. I can hear how much your friend matters to you and how much of a good friend you are to them ❤️ Reaching out to KHL to figure out how best to help them and now reaching out on here again really shows that ❤️ At the end of the day, there is only so much you can do. You can be there for your friend but they have to be the one to respond 😞 Worrying that your friend might be considering suicide- that must be so so stressful 😞 I'm really sorry you're going through this

 

The most important thing- I think- is looking out for you during all of this... Self-care and boundaries are so, so important. It sounds like you're doing everything you can do and more for your friend right now. Your friend wouldn't want you to be so stressed about them. I have been in the opposite position where I was like your friend and my friend was panicking every day because they didn't know if I was safe. I never wanted them to feel so worried 😞 And I didn't even know they were so stressed cause they didn't tell me...

 

It's like the oxygen mask analogy, you have to put the mask on yourself first before helping others get their masks on, right? 🙂

 

What do you think?

 

Sorry I couldn't offer much more advice on helping your friend, but it does sound like you've done everything you can do and like you're a really caring, thoughtful person ❤️

 
 
Lime_Walrus
Lime_WalrusPosted 15-07-2021 07:43 PM

@Lost_Space_Explorer5 thanks so much for responding. I like the oxygen mask analogy, that’s something I’ll definitely keep in mind 🙂 

thanks also for your perspective of this, it’s good to see how she might be feeling (of course everyone’s different)

 
 
 
Lost_Space_Explorer5
Lost_Space_Explorer5Posted 15-07-2021 07:54 PM

You're welcome @Lime_Walrus🙂 And yeah lol it's a good analogy!

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