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I feel like I am unwanted.

It’s been really difficult for the past few years. Here is my story.

 

I am from a humble family, and my parents mean the absolute world to me. I have always just wanted to see them happy for as long as I could remember. I moved to Australia at the age of 5 or 6, and all I knew was that I wanted to make them proud. Being in a foreign country - I didn’t understand how I could do well at school, I just hoped and hoped. And of course I didn’t really achieve anything that I could be proud of. I was an average student, had nothing to show academically. And my parents saw me as a failure - but still tried to support me in whatever way they can. They advised me and taught me the lessons they learned from their own childhoods.

Soon, I was exhausted with having to feel like I am not good enough no matter what I did. At the beginning of high school, I decided I wasn’t going to do things for the sake of them anymore. And I thought I was getting somewhere - my assessments were good, but I fell short on the final report card. Mum and dad claimed that I faked it all - the effort, the hours studying. That was when I broke apart for the first time. My dads colleague’s daughter is my friend - who is so so smart. That’s when the comparisons started - he would come home and tell me how great she is doing. Moreover they would compare my brother and I. He was named the smart one in the family - the one that maths naturally comes to whereas I got named the try hard - the one that tries but at the end never achieves anything. I tried not to think of it much and told myself it was going to be okay. College started - and to be honest it was going great at the start. But I developed anxiety towards exams and assessment tasks which brought my downfall soon because of the stuff I would say to myself. And I wasn’t proud of it...and what it brought which is why I gave up momentarily. I focused on a dream more achievable, and my dad and mum stopped talking to me completely. I felt horrible because I gave up and didn’t work as hard as I could - but learnt to forgive myself and keep going. Somewhere along the line I regained the need to go thru with my original dreams....because what is life if you don’t go after what you want? That’s exactly what I planned to do. Sometimes I do okay...but most of the times I fall short.

I haven’t done anything great. And I feel completely utterly worthless most of the times. They barely talk to me now - and think I am so dumb that I don’t understand what they talk about. I am left out of family decisions especially to do with the new house they are building. My dad still comes home and tells me that my friend did so so well and will probably get a scholarship to a program I have been trying so hard for all my life. I sometimes wish he had a daughter like that instead because he deserves that - not a failure like me. 

 

Thank you for reading all that. I just don’t know what to do anymore, or who to turn to. I get pains from time to time - which they say I fake - and physical exhaustion because of the thoughts that creep into mind during day and night. 

Please help...I don’t know what to do.

 

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Re: I feel like I am unwanted.

Hi @StarGirl101,

 

It sounds like there is so much on your shoulders, and it's understandable that you are feeling the physical impact of all the stress right now. Living with our own expectations and dreams for ourselves can be a lot to carry, and living with your family's goals on top of your own goals must feel really heavy, particularly when all your life you have wanted to make them proud Heart I'm hearing how painful this is for you, particularly the comparisons; comparisons can really hurt.

Your story really hit home for me, as I can relate in my extended family- on one side they don't think I will ever amount to anything and that really hurts to sit with. I can imagine how much more painful this is within your immediate family Heart It can really eat away at self worth, which I am hearing is something you might also be feeling, is that right? When you do hear the comments from your family, are there any things you do to cope in that moment? 

 

One thing that really stood out to me, you've mentioned a few times through your post that you have thought about giving up, but have found the strength in you to keep striving to find a way back to your goals. Would you feel comfortable to share what your goals are?

 

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Re: I feel like I am unwanted.

Hey @StarGirl101 

It sounds so tough what you've been through Smiley Sad

Being compared does really hurt, especially when it makes you feel worth less than what you actually are - which is an amazing person! Heart

 

I understand what it's like to get compared to other family members, and that often made me doubt myself and the abilities of what I can achieve in life. What helped me was to list all the achievements I made throughout the day - waking up, feeding my cat, going for a walk. Although they may seem like small things, it really encouraged me to keep going. Maybe this is something you could try if you feel that it may be helpful?

 

It also does get hard when no one believes you or think you're faking! But i believe you and am here to support you Heart 

 

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Re: I feel like I am unwanted.

Thank you so much @Jess1-RO and @sunnygirl606 

I have had to cope with this for a long time now...it’s second nature to me almost. Sometimes it’s easier and I can just block it out and focus on my tasks for the day. But some times it really takes a toll and I try and journal if I feel up to it. @Jess1-RO I have always wanted to go into the field of medicine - which is really tough because saying that makes me feel so insecure about it. Academically I am not really deserving of it at all, which is so hard to accept cause I can’t think of anything else I want to do. I have given it a lot of thought and I think it’s become a part of who I am. @sunnygirl606 That really does sound great, I will try and get into that habit, though I think it will be a little hard at the start. 

Thank you so much for replying...I have tried many things like counselling...trying to talk to my parents, friends, student advisers, teachers etc. But they don’t really understand at all and I can’t blame them for it. I can see what it looks like on the outside. I really do wish it was easy as working hard and getting where you want to be. But it’s never been like that for me. Sometimes when u feel like that, you don’t even want to put in the work anymore which makes you feel guilty afterwards. 

I am looking forward to uni next year though and moving out to other states. I no longer want to be here, because it’s become too much to handle. I am also a little nervous because I am not great at making friends. I don’t know, hopefully things work out in the end

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Re: I feel like I am unwanted.

Hi @StarGirl101 

 

Medicine sounds like a cool field to get into, do you know what you'd like to do in it?

What is it you like about it?

 

I'm sorry people aren't believing that you're in pain...

I have chronic pain and sometimes people don't believe me either or think it's not real. 

If you need any help coming up with ideas for coping with it, I can help with that if you'd like.

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Re: I feel like I am unwanted.

Hey @Tiny_leaf 

 

yeah it’s been a dream for as long as I could remember. It would mean the world if I have the chance one day. I think it’s really cool to think about how our body works in the way it does and that I can meet new people and listen to their stories every single day. I want to specialise in neurosurgery one day - I think that would be super cool 😊

 

@Tiny_leaf thank you for understanding..it is so hard. Like who do you even turn to if your own family doesn’t believe you are in pain? I actually tried contacting a doctor once...because The pain gets scary sometimes - but he wouldn’t help other than tell me to talk to my parents. That I can understand...just it wasn’t what I needed. That would be great @Tiny_leaf, I really do wanna find a way to find a stable way to cope with it

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Re: I feel like I am unwanted.

Working in medicine sounds like such an amazing thing! If medicine is something you want to do, then you should definitely pursue it! There are many pathways these days so there might be some pathways that may take some of the stress off! The human body is amazing and so interesting! Smiley Very Happy

I understand 100% what it feels like when doctors don't understand the physical pain you're in and dismiss it. It's also hard when they suggest things that you just aren't ready to do yet. The way I dealt with this is that I went to different doctors until one finally listened and investigated my pain and understood what I wasn't ready for, maybe this is something you can do? 

 

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Re: I feel like I am unwanted.

Thank you so much for the support @sunnygirl606 😄

Yeah that’s the great thing about higher studies here...there are infinite ways to get in. I think that’s why I am not too harsh on myself. The stuff my parents say though, tricks my mind into believing that there isn’t a way at all. There is this uni that doesn’t look at your ATAR for entry into their graduate program, and my mum and dad mock me saying that this is the perfect place for me. I am achieving above 90s..I just don’t understand why I am still being treated like I am worthless. It’s...just so exhausting.

I think hearing that so many times...it became my inner voice. And I had such a poisonous mindset a few months back - everything I did, I used to criticise myself. I used to point out all the flaws and ultimately got nowhere in the end. I still think I am occupying too much space in their lives...and just want this year to be over with so they can finally be happy.

Yeah, it’s difficult. I have tried to approach the subject of trying different doctors to my parents before but they really seem to trust this one doctor - so there isn’t a lot I can do about that unfortunately. It’s really scary...cause I get chest pains out of nowhere and I can’t tell if it’s caused by anxiety and all of this negative emotion..or something else. I don’t know what to do..other than wait for next year and visit a doctor on my own elsewhere. 

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Re: I feel like I am unwanted.

It's so amazing the study opportunity we have these days @StarGirl101 !

And I understand that; it is hard when you are doing your best but others make you feel like you're not. Sometimes it's really hard when you look up to them but i always tried to remind myself that doing my best was all that i could do! I even put up positive notes around my study space, as well as setting quick positive reminders on my phone to get throughout the day to keep me encouraged. Maybe this is something you could try?

 

When you say you want this year to be over, what do you mean by that exactly? Do you feel that the pressure from your parents will be over when this year ends?

 

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Re: I feel like I am unwanted.

Yes that really does help, I made it a mini project to hang up quotes on the wall and make a collage out of it. The phone reminders seem like a really good idea, I might give that a go 😃

 

I think..that they would want me to move out as soon as I can. They even said so themselves, and that would be for the best. Moving away definitely will ease the pressure...and just give me a fresh new start I think.