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It feels like everyone is leaving me (Part 3!)
I had to make a new thread it was too confusing to find the most recent posts after the update :'( and my old thread was a bit of a mess. This is a thread continuing on from parts 1&2 😛 and usually includes me venting about uni, pain, attachment issues, heavy thoughts, and ocd thoughts. And sometimes issues around family or friends. And for some reason sometimes we talk about sloths. Essentially it's one of those threads that we aren't technically encouraged to make because they go on and on and on but I find them helpful because we get to see where we've come from
[Also... I'll generally put a TW if I say anything that's potentially triggering]
Responding to @Taylor-RO from my old thread
Yeah, it is frustrating but more just makes me hopeless 😞 Catching up on uni did not go well, I have an essay due next week that I haven't started 😞 Thanks for the positive vibes 😛
I am sorry that is a lot to be dealing with. Hopefully your cat feels better soon. Is there anyone you can talk to about your coworkers like a manager or someone higher up?
Hey @Lost_Space_Explorer5 - it sounds like you've got a lot on your plate at the moment. It's awful to hear that you felt so overwhelmed by the stress of work that you almost cried, how did you comfort yourself after that experience?
I'm also sorry to hear that your cat might be getting sick - it's so upsetting when they become unwell. You care so much for them and it an be so stressful taking them to the vet... it's a lot BUT I really hope your cat is just having a bit of an off day and bounces back to their old self soon!
I feel like it has been ages since we last crossed paths on here. I'm sorry to hear that things have not been too good for you. Being in pain is the worst! I've also had a watch tell me I was unhealthy before... how insensitive of these watches...! I hope that you feel mentally and physically better soon ❤️ Fingers crossed the new specialist has some solutions for you. It sucks that you've been entering a bit of a dark place without seeing your therapist... are there any stategies that they've taught you that you can try to employ to help you until you see them next?
Thanks @Philippa-RO work and volunteering are going okay. I'm studying part time too so I'm a little overwhelmed. Things at home were going okay until today when mum called me stupid and fat 🙃 I threw a tissue box on the ground when she left the room so there goes my streak of not losing my temper. One of my coworkers was mean to me today too so I just wanted to come home and chill out and then mum was mean to me. I'm trying to refresh my knowledge of statistics now for uni atm and it's not going well haha
Thanks @Eden1717 yeah they're going okay. Keeping me busy I guess.
Hi @Lost_Space_Explorer5 It sounds like you have been really busy lately. Work, volunteering AND studying part-time, that is a lot to juggle. I can definitely understand you feeling a bit overwhelmed! I'm so sorry to hear about your co-worker and your mum. I can only imagine how hurtful those comments would have been for you. I hope you know that we are always here for you 💜
Is there something nice you could do for yourself, to make tonight even just a little bit better?
*TW* (eating and body image stuff, conflict, suicidal thoughts, I’m safe)
sorry if I write anything that breaks the guidelines, I don’t think I did but please feel free to delete or edit my post
Tonight hasn't been good. Mum said some stuff and I cried then I said some stuff that was really messed up and I've been coping for some reason by eating my feelings away. Literally eating beyond feeling full and I feel so disgusted with myself I don't know what to do. I don't want to make things worse and go back into old habits but I feel so bad.
I don’t know if I’m being paranoid but I was afraid mum was going to hurt my cat. Like she said something along the lines of if you don’t leave this alone, I swear but she didn’t say what so it was left to my imagination. And well then I came back and told her she was welcome to kill me and make it look like I did it (she had said something like she was sick of always being under my thumb and that she resented my cat being something for me to cope with my ‘suicidal tendencies’) but I didn’t want her touching my cat. Of course she wouldn’t do that at that point I’d completely lost it but yeah. I told her she’s crazy but I’m the crazy one. Im already behind in uni and with work I haven’t been exercising because I’ve been too tired and I just feel so bad about my weight and now apparently I’ve started eating to feel better.
edit: I’m going to try and delay doing anything which would add to any disordered eating maybe instead of doing X and falling back into old habits I’ll do some yoga 🙃
I can hear that tonight has been really horrible for you. It sounds really stressful, upsetting and intense. I know how important your cat is to you, so I can imagine that you must have been feeling really scared and agitated. What happened with your Mum sounds like a really overwhelming and hurtful experience. I don't blame you for crying and looking for ways to cope. Spiraling thoughts and feeling like you lost it must be really traumatic 😞 You don't need to judge yourself for the thoughts you had/things you said when you were feeling scared and upset.
A lot of people eat as a way to cope with really intense situations or emotions which can sometimes help as a short term strategy to wind down at the end of a tough day. I just want you to know that you aren't alone in that regard and we all have days where we don't eat the best. Tomorrow is a new day. It does seem like eating is not a coping strategy you would like to use and I understand that it might be a trigger for you. Is there something you can do tonight as a distraction instead? Or something to wind down for the rest of the night? I know tonight has been really distressing for you, so I am also wondering if there is anyone you can chat to in real life about this?
I am sorry your mum said that tht must have felt awful. i am also sorry about your co worker being mean that really isnt good either. hopefully things are not so bad for you in the coming days. sorry i am not much help i am struggling to think straight at the moment.
I'm going okay thanks for checking in @Eden1717
I'm feeling a bit sad because I quit therapy today because I was feeling untrusting/abandoned after my psych came back from leave and also my OCD is so bad I don't feel able to deal with it anymore. I feel like everyone has left me (roll credits*- see the title of the thread lol 😅)
*Idk this is a reference to this YouTuber who reviewed movies and when someone in the movie said the title of the movie the YouTuber would say "roll credits"
I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling a bit sad today after quitting therapy. That sounds like it would have been such a tough choice to make. Do you think you will be looking for another psych at all? I just want to say that you are such a strong person @Lost_Space_Explorer5 Just remember that we are always here for you 💜
Thanks @Eden1717 and I don't know I don't know what I want 😞 And yeah I think OCD does tend to get worse with stress. I have been a bit stressed idk. I'm sorry your OCD has been worse too 😞
Thanks @Courtney-RO I don't know about another psych
I feel really upset by this idk why. It's like this hole in my chest and it won't go away no matter how much I try and sleep it off
I feel quite suicidal which is absolutely ridiculous I know but this feeling won't go away and I don't know what to do. ***
Part of me wants to change my mind and not quit but how on earth would I even do that now. It was like I was channeling satan in therapy like I was so so shut of and so unattached. I think I was even a bit mean
*TW***
What is actually wrong with me? Like I have been feeling sad lately and like not wanting to be around anymore but I do not want this to be what sends me over the edge because that just feels pathetic. I'm so sick of my brain. I want to hurt myself but I did enough damage to myself I don't want to mess it up any more. I hope I'm dreaming. I can't do this. What makes it worse is my bday is coming up and never wanted to make it this far. I just want to sleep and never wake up ***
Ahh what do I do? I can't take the feeling of loss but I also can't do therapy anymore cause it's too much
I had volunteering today and was so upset about this I couldn't focus on supporting others it's so f***ed up
I don't know what to do can someone decide for me ahhh
I'm such an idiot
Literally my ocd is so bad atm it's happening all the time surely that's reason enough for people to let me die they won't look into me quitting therapy as the reason right cause that just feels so insignificant and they'll judge me for it. F*** I don't know what to do. What the beeep beeping beeep beep beeep this (this is me swearing). BEEEEEEPPP this isn't fair why the beep am I even complaining literally I have such a good life I'm so ungrateful
Sorry I'm not replying on any other threads tonight 😞
I'm so sorry to hear that so much is going on @Lost_Space_Explorer5 Thank you for letting us know that you're currently safe though, we really appreciate it.
I can hear just how hard things are for you and it sounds like you are sitting with some really heavy feelings right now. Is there someone that you feel comfortable talking to about this?
As @Eden1717 mentioned, there's not always a reason for feeling a certain way, but that doesn't mean that you have to go through these feelings on your own.
Is there something nice that you can do for yourself to make you feel a little better tonight? I just want to let you know that you're not alone, and we're always here for you 💜
Thanks @Eden1717 and @Courtney-RO
*TW (I'm safe)*
Sorry I haven't been around much lately. I just haven't felt like myself. Today (well yesterday) I tried to "run away" from home because I just feel so unwelcome and sometimes I feel like my family wants me dead like either to kill me or they want me to kill myself. Mum keeps saying really strange stuff and dad has said stuff to indicate I'm annoying. And my brother hates me but kind of had reason to. Maybe if I stopped yelling at him when he tries to eat something off the ground he would like me more. I got so frustrated with him last week I cut up his shoelace (which is what he uses for stimming) and I feel so guilty. I could talk about what led up to that but really there's no excuse and I should feel bad. I really want to move out but I don't have enough money and I will miss my furbabies too much. Mum said I should move out. I won't go into that either but yeah. She also made fun of something I use to help with my pain the other week so I stayed at home and sulked while they visited my grandma. I keep acting like a child I know I do. I kind of want to die but I've made too many commitments that it would be too much of an inconvenience for my family to sort out my affairs if I died. And they would hate me even more. Literally when I tried to do something last time mum told me I would break up her marriage if I did that like it was such a selfish thing of me to do. Which I get the thinking of but if I were to do something again she would be so mad at me and honestly I don't have it in me to face anyone's wrath should I fail to do something.
****
Hence I decided to run away. Only I neglected to bring anything not even a mask or water so it turned into being a long moody walk. Which is just embarrassing. When I was a kid I'd always "run away" like that which just involved me walking around the block 😂 but it goes to show I'm an actual child still
My pain has been bad still and I've been feeling sick and going to the dr too much only to say absolutely nothing so I'm even more of a hypochondriac
I ended up not quitting therapy so I'm going to see my psych tomorrow (well today) I hope I don't sleep in cause I just spend all my time sleeping
Adulting is so hard I'll never be able to be independent
I will try to catch up on people's threads on here sorry I've not been of much help lately
I am sorry things got so bad. sorry i havent been around much. how are things going for you today?
Hey @Lost_Space_Explorer5 Thank you for sharing this with us.
There’s no reason to apologise for taking time for yourself. We will always be here for you when you want or need.
I’m really sorry to hear about what’s been happening with your family. It sounds so incredibly difficult. When I was living in a toxic home environment, it just made all my other problems so much more unbearable. For me, moving out was genuinely the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. It was scary, but 100% worth it to have my own space and discover who I want to be.
I’m wondering if you want to chat more about your worries about moving out? I know that you mention money might be an issue and missing your fur babies, but is there anything else? I think for me, what really helped was getting someone I trusted to help me. Is there someone you trust who you can talk to about discussing some plans? Maybe a friend or even a case worker?
I think you’re so brave, Lost. We’re so lucky to have you be a part of the ReachOut Fam and I want to remind you that we have your back.
Thanks @emily-RO idk at the moment I'm not really sure what I'm doing haha
Thanks @Eden1717 and that's okay you don't have to apologise. Today (well yesterday) was okay- I had work and volunteering
Sorry I haven't been around lately I really want to be more active on the forums I guess I've just been adjusting to a few things and not feeling very much like talking and like stuff has been a bit hard and overwhelming
I'm gonna try and catch up on everything tomorrow (well today) or as soon as I can
I am sorry things have been overwhelming for you lately. if things change and you do want to talk about it we are here to listen. i hope your work and volunteering is going ok for you.
@Lost_Space_Explorer5 that's totally okay to not be sure what you want to do right now - there's time to think things through and see what feels right for you.
Glad to hear yesterday was okay - how are work and volunteering going?
Please don't apologise for not being around on the forums when you're going through hard times - self care is always the priority. I'm sorry things have been hard and overwhelming. 💛
How have things been at home?
I am sorry there are so many feelings going on for you tonight. I am glad you are safe though but sorry you dont feel it. I dont think there always has to be a reason for feeling a certain way sometimes things just happen. I am not really good at explaining myself right now but i am here to listen if you want to vent some more or talk about anything.
How are you going today @Lost_Space_Explorer5@Lost_Space_Explorer5 ?
I am sorry you are feeling untrusting and abandoned do you think maybe working with another professional somewhere down the track might be an option? you deserve to have support with you problems. sorry about your ocd it can be so hard to deal with mine has been getting worse too i think it does that when people get stressed have you been stressed lately?
I've been going okay thanks for asking @Eden1717 and no need to apologise! I haven't really been doing much just doing stuff around the house. My intrusive thoughts are still bad for some reason but manageable