Just rambling
How do I repair a fractured relationship when this whole time I thought it was your fault this whole thing I didn’t look inside myself and realise what was in in front of me I never acknowledged that my attitude towards you was the problem
I always thought it was you and it was your fault that you did things the way you did and that might be partly correct but I never gave you a chance I always pushed myself away from you ahen and you did rarely show an interest in me I didn’t take any notice
you had moments where you thought of me you put a lot of thought into me but I didn’t see tHat instead I saw the pain and the hurt in the bad days, I wish that when you showed that I meant something to you even a small snippet I acknowledged it and I held on to it because it didn’t happen often enough but I truly think it was always there inside you
I wish you received what you wanted From me in return to say thank you and give you a hug but instead I continuously punished you for the past and made it all worse
when you were able to you did try but I shut it down
some things you did for me were more than I ever expected you made me a calendar a couple of years a go and you printed off pictures of things I like as the month picture, I threw it in the top of my cupboard at the time because I didn’t want anything to do with you but you tried and I’m sorry I wasn’t there in the moments that you did try I’m sorry for pushing you away because of the moments you couldn’t try with me I’m sorry for blaming you when it wasn’t your fault
I acknowledge the difficulty you faced with addiction and suffering relationships and subsequent health issues that followed I recognise that these were not your fault you didn’t want to hurt me you never wanted to hurt me I know that now and I’m sorry for saying you did I’m sorry for blaming you and saying it was your fault you wanted to inflict pain on me no you didn’t but it happened a lot and I will no longer for the rest of my life hold that against you
miss you Mum
I know I said I was not far off leaving but I just wanted to update you guys.
I actually called my mum last night, I haven’t heard back from her text and I thought maybe just picking up the phone might get through to her. I asked her why she didn’t reply to my message and she said often gets muddled up which is not surprising because her cognitive ability and comprehension can be kind of poor sometimes. Anyway, she was like ok so what do you want? And I’m thinking, uh I kind of just wanted to chat haha, but I actually called her to tell her that my partner and I are having a baby, we’ve known for a little bit only just just got the all clear last week to be able to tell just a few people... and I’ve never heard my mum like that before, she was so happy. And I don’t think she will ever meet them, but she was still so so happy, it sounded like she was tearing, never seen or heard Mum like that, emotional for a good reason, she kind of started taking stabs at herself and it got a bit negative on her end but overall I was shocked, I told her because I wanted her to know and I wasn’t sure how it would be received she is so unpredictable, but she was so happy for me, it almost sounded like she wanted to give me a hug. It was kind of weird but it was good weird. Anyway, good to hear her voice for the first time in years, she sounded a bit unwell but didn’t want to say anything about that, and I asked about lockdown and she started getting all ranty, Dan the devil and stuff like that and I was like oh yeah so back to that good stuff... let’s talk a about that.
Oh man just talking to her again, even if I don’t talk to her again for a couple months or 6 months maybe even a year, that was lovely
Aw, thanks for sharing that story @Saltwaterdreamtime. That is absolutely beautiful!!!!!!!! It must have been so nice to hear your mum say that she is proud of you...and...also...um... CONGRATULATIONS on the baby!!!!!!!! That is wonderful. Awww. Your partners/your child will have a sibling!! Yippee! Excuse the 1000 exclamation marks - that is just me expressing my excitement over text.
@Claire-RO When I was in care I lived with so many people I can recall names but not the faces of everyone I lived with but there was one family that have stuck by me and I still call them my family to this day and even if at the time I didn’t show my appreciation for them, getting back in contact with them as an adult and being treated like one of their own is the best thing. They’ve got my back more than either of my parents did (or showed me, rather)
It’s just interesting how I’ve built that family base up, I’ve got them, I’ve also got a partner and a toddler in my life that aren’t related to me either (which is good because I’m pretty sure romantic relationships with family members are illegal these days) but they are all my family and I’m so proud of that.
It's really nice to hear about the supportive relationship that you have with this family @Saltwaterdreamtime . I think families are all different and can include anyone that we want to call family, so it is awesome that you can include lots of people in your family! It is definitely something to be proud of 
