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My life of Heartbreak and homophobia

Hi i'm 16 and things have been harder and harder as I realised my sexuality. As a little kid i have always been a tom boy, I hated barbies but i still asked my dad for one because all the girls my age had one but when i was playing with it I ripped the head off because the necklace won't fit and my dad got really furious with me. He had anger issues, I never really understood why he is always mad at me and my brother and is always tense when he is around us.
As a kid my dad worked overseas for a few years and i didn't get to see him at all. My mum also went clubbing at night when me and my brother was asleep and my brother would always cry at night because she wasn't there and i will have to walk him upstairs to grandma's room.
Anyways what I am trying to say is i am never close with my dad because he is always criticising us and never showed much affection he always scared me and my brother. One day when both my parents were working and my brother was upstairs with my grandparents I sneaked over to my neighbours and there was this boy a few years older than me i was around six and he was ten. So he took me to his room and told me to take of my clothes. I didn't even understand anything at that age, I remember being scared but i did it anyway. But... Nothing happened he didn't touch me but I don't want to talk about that. Anyway i think from that experience i felt repulsive towards guys or less attracted to at least.
In primary school I found myself having weird affections for this girls in my class. we became good friends when she stood up for me to this boy who was making fun of me. I told myself that the feeling will go away. My parents always told me and my brother that it's wrong for girls to like girls and boys to like boys. So I freaked out when the feeling didn't go away but only grew stronger. i would get butterflies when she hugged me or smile at me. Three years went by and i denied that i had attractions to her, we became closer friends but i found myself making more jokes around her and trying to make her laugh but one time she got angry at me and i felt this pain in my chest that I never felt before and only then I realised she was more than a friend to me. I tried doing the 'right' thing and not talk to her because I thought that way I would stop liking her but that killed me more than anything and she came up to me and asked if i was okay and she made me laugh until I couldn't help but talk to her. I remember once i had an urge to tell her at lunchtime, the bell went and we didn't go to class we just kept playing at the oval, she held my hand and we were talking about her old school and what high school we are planning to go to and i was so happy when she said the same High school i was going to go to. But i never got a chance to tell her i liked her because the next year her parents decided to moved states. I remember going through denial when she told me she was going to leave i didn't talk to her for weeks I pretended she wasn't going to leave and eventually I actually forgot about it and when the last day of school she came up to me and hugged me she said i might move back here in six years so see you in six years. I was devastated and cried every single night for months i was depressed for a while but I eventually got over it and a year later we were talking on Skype and she got my name wrong. I realised how stupid i was, I invested all that emotion into something that could only be friendship. This year is the sixth year and I pretty sure she is happy where she is but i still held onto what she said. Okay how did i get from my sexuality to my first heart break? So now in high school most of the people are homophobic and i find myself emotionally repulsed to most guys and i am closed of to the idea of ever liking a girl again. I came out as Bi to two of my friends because they understand it the most but i still avoid talking to them about it again. My parents and my brother are always making homophobic comments and my family is religious so they will never except it if i tell them. I'm not sure if this is a real issue i just thought it would be good to just let it out, sorry for making it so long and thanks for reading till the end.

Re: My life of Heartbreak and homophobia

Hey @ILAUVEDEN, thanks so much for reaching out, you're so resilient and have come to the right place for support!

 

I went through a similar time growing up, you need to know that it certainly gets easier as time goes by, I know high school is one of the most challenging environments to be in whilst you're figuring out your sexuality, I knew at a very young age as well and it can be very hard to take in whilst dealing with assignments, friendships etc. I am sorry to hear your family are not super supportive, but I assure you you're 100% normal and their homophobia is not a reflecton of you at all. You mentioned having a couple of friends who understand your sexuality, have you  thought about trying to bring it up again when you're feeling comfortable?

If you want to talk to someone anonymously, there are some amazing services across Australia, check out our list of resources here. Also I really like these guys if you want to get some online support and talk to people who've been there.

Re: My life of Heartbreak and homophobia

Hi @ILAUVEDEN! I had a similar experience where a girl I liked moved away earlier this year and I was like NO WHY PLS AGH, and it sucked. It's pretty challenging being in a homophobic environment, even small comments in casual conversations can make you feel really uncomfortable (this happens to me all the time. Society, can you like not? K thanks). It's cool that you have a few understanding friends, I have one friend I can talk to about this sort of thing and I find that really helpful. However if you're not comfortable talking to them about it again yet, talking about it anonymously online is a good idea, so welcome to the forums lol. The internet can be extremely helpful in regards to getting support or just feeling like you're in a awesome community, especially when that's not the case irl. Remember that you don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to or if you don't feel safe doing so. I hope you're doing well Smiley Happy dftba

Re: My life of Heartbreak and homophobia

Thanks for the support and understanding. I wish people would just understand that sexuality is not a choice and stop making people feel bad about being who they are. I want nothing more than to tell everyone that i am gay without it being something negative. People at my school bullied because of their sexuality and the people who stand up for them are criticised or questioned as gay as well. I hate being help less and not standing up for i believe it's wrong, i feel like a coward for just being a by stander. I told my two friends who are proud gays that i'm not straight and they didn't show much of a reaction except they would sometimes jokingly tease me about it in the change rooms. Their parents are probably really excepting of them and they have no idea how hard it is for me to except to myself and not be true to myself. I still get uncomfortable when they address me as gay because i get so afraid of what others would think of me and that my patents would find out.
I know I shouldn't be but i am afraid. I get anxiety because of it. Well i think it's anxiety because sometimes when i think about it i get this chocking feeling in my throat. I don't know what to do now

Re: My life of Heartbreak and homophobia

Hey @ILAUVEDEN

It is completely okay for you to be worried about coming out and to not want people to know right now. I know it's really easy to feel bad and ashamed of being afraid, but I want you to know that it's not a reflection on who you are as a person - it's a reflection on the society around you. It's the society that is bad, not you. There isn't anything wrong with you.

It sounds like you really don't think that your high school or your parents would be okay to come out to right now - that is completely okay. When and who you come out to is entirely up to you and there isn't a single correct way of doing that.
It's great that you do have people you can speak to about it. Have you told those two about your worries and that your family wouldn't be accepting? If you're right that they've had such a different experience then they might not be thinking about it, but if they're your friends I'm sure they wouldn't want to make this more difficult for you.

 

Also, if it's an issue for you then it is an issue. Things don't need more of a reason to be worthy of concern or sadness or anything else than that.

TOM-RO has given you some links with some things that could be very worth looking into for support and acceptance, and of course we are absolutely here for you too.

Re: My life of Heartbreak and homophobia

Thank you for your words it means a lot @Birdeye
@TOM-RO @roseisnotaplant
I haven't told them about it how uncomfortable i am, i have thought about talking to them about my situation and maybe ask for coming out advice. But I can't ever find myself to strike up that sort of conversation, i know it's not something to be embarrassed about or anything but I always have this feeling that if I say it out loud it means i do indeed have a problem and i hate the feeling of them thinking i am not happy with being gay. They are proud gays, they are confident and they don't care what others say or think and I admire them for that. But i'm not sure i can be like that, i'm always told that homosexuality is a sin and I can't change that belief from my family or friends. I go to Church with my friends sometimes and i feel guilty for some reason. I'm scared that if my other friends find out they would think of me differently. I'm not used to be talking about my feelings.

Re: My life of Heartbreak and homophobia

Hi @ILAUVEDEN, I echo what the others say in that you are extremely resilent. You mention that you have a feeling about saying it out loud, but you are incredibly strong when writing about your story and experience here. In regards to the heartbreak, it's always so hard when your first love/crush is gone, it can sometimes take some time but you will heal and you will find that love/butterflies feeling again. I know it sounds like a cliche, but you need to remember to be kind to yourself. It's definitely not a negative, or a problem to be who you are. 

 

As everyone else on here has said, you don't have to tell those closest to you until your ready (and then remember you get to choose how you tell them) but it's worth having a look at the resources @TOM-RO posted (and of course continue hanging out on here) so that you can talk to someone and you don't have to go through how you're feeling alone. 

 

 

 

 

Re: My life of Heartbreak and homophobia

@ILAUVEDEN Well I'm in the same situation as you, except my family is not that homophobic, or at least I think they're not. I'm 16 too and also have just become a little more comfortable with my sexuality. But it's like one minute I'm embracing it and give no damn about what others think, the next minute I'm worried again and start questioning my feelings. It's so weird and I just came out to my best friend as gay few weeks ago and haven't talked to her about it again since then. Sorry for the rambling part xD but as everyone has said on this thread, I think if we are still not comfortable about it we don't have to tell the whole world that we're gay. And you can also ask your other 2 proud-gay friends to not mention your sexuality in front of others.  Even in the LGBT community, people come from different backgrounds, some just need more time to come to term and feel totally cool with it. I'm quite sure they will understand and it's literally nothing to be ashamed of.

And about coming out to your family, I don't mean to scare you but I have read lots of terrible stories that happened to lgbt people from religious backgrounds. It's dangerous some are even abused or kicked out of the house. So imo, I think for now you just live your life, do whatever you like, prepare for your future and only come out to your family until you're really independent (financially, mentally, etc.) It'll be long and I hope your family will change their views through time. I'm in college now and believe me people are much more accepting and supporting here so let's make that something for you to look forward to Smiley Happy

So yea, hope that helps and best of lucks!

Re: My life of Heartbreak and homophobia

I know exactly what you mean when you say one moment you don't give a damn about what others think and the next you start worrying again. I only just came to terms with my sexuality too. I guess in a way I have always known I was different, but I was just so afraid of it that I start making up excuses of why I am the way I am and disregarding the fact that I can't change who I am, that I shouldn't always try to be who others want me to be. It's hard for me to expect others to accept me when I hardly accept it myself. I hate the feeling of having this voice in the back of my mind telling me 'don't say this they might think your weird' or having to keep quiet or look away when someone makes a homophobic comment because I don't want to draw attention to myself. I only just realised that these habits I make for myself are even worse than what I am trying so hard not to be.  only just realised that these habits I make for myself are even worse than what I am trying so hard not to be.

About what you said about coming out to your best friend I know it pretty hard because my best friend is homophobic that's why i chose not to tell her but if your best friend shows you understanding and respect. Then i guess she really is a true friend and your sexuality won't come in the way of what she thinks of you. Though sometimes the reason why i still don't talk about the topic to my friends that i have come out to is because i never know if i am making them uncomfortable by talking about it, I'm really self conscious and awkward when it comes to talking about how i feel, but that the more reason why i think it's important to get those thoughts out of the way. So that's why my goals, for now, is just to focus on my studies, try to develop myself as a person as something more than just superficial something that will actually matter once high school is over, and what you said - be independent so that i can prepare for the worst when i work up the courage to come out to them. 

Good luck to you too! I really do hope it gets easier Smiley Happy

Re: My life of Heartbreak and homophobia

Hi @ILAUVEDEN
I think it's really inspiring that you were able to share a very personal story like that. I'm sure that many people can relate and can find comfort in that others feel the same way. 
I wanted to also check on you and see how you were feeling about everything now?