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Re: Sad (maybe TW)

Currently just... no motivation to do anything, it all seems pointless/not worth the effort 😔

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Re: Sad (maybe TW)

Hey @hellofriend sounds like you're having a tough day, it can be so hard to get motivated when things seem pointless. It's ok to not be at your best all the time, some days we don't achieve everything we want to and that's ok, you're human Heart

You said you had a really lovely date with your husband a few days ago, have you got another one scheduled in soon? It's important to do nice things when you can, is there something small you like that you could do today?

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Re: Sad (maybe TW)

Trigger warning- heavy post, mentions suicidal thoughts

 

Around March last year some circumstances changed and things started improving for me. For the last... Year? Maybe?... I've seen myself as doing a lot better.

 

Which I mean... I am. Because I spent several years pretty much constantly believing I had an obligation to kill myself. And very regularly weighing up whether I should be doing it in that moment, and guilting myself that I hadn't. And any extra pain or distress I experienced (which was a lot) prompted this process.

 

No longer believing I have an obligation to do that has made a big difference. And circumstances changing has added some more positive things into my life which is good. So things are better. And it's all relative, so I tell myself and others I'm fine.

 

But I don't think I am. Because regardless of things being better than they were, I still regularly go to bed and hope I'll die in the night. I still regularly lack the motivation to get out of bed in the morning. Or get dressed, or eat, or shower, or clean. I still am terrified (not an exaggeration) before and during interactions with anyone other than my husband. I don't have other active friendships and feel lonely and sad about the lack of connection. I still have pretty regular thoughts of suicide despite no longer having the intention to act on them. I don't know what I want to or am capable of doing in my life in terms of an overarching purpose. I'm trying to take steps forward but I am very scared about each of them. I'm tired, sad, scared, and lacking purpose pretty consistently.

 

Just kind of realising that my 'so much better' is still pretty bad. And if someone else was experiencing it, I would be worried and care and really hope things would improve for them.

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Re: Sad (maybe TW)

Hey @hellofriend it sounds like things seemed to be improving for you but they could still be better than are. I'm sorry you're so low at the moment, when we're feeling that purposelessness and exhaustion it can be so hard to see how things could be different. You must be really tired, and I feel for you.

I'm glad to hear you're not feeling obligated to take your life anymore or have intentions to act on your thoughts, but I am still worried about your wellbeing, are you safe at the moment?

 

I'm wondering what supports you have in place? This is a lot of pain and distress to be managing on your own, and while it sounds like your husband is really supportive, you might benefit from other supports as well. Would you like to discuss this further?

I think what you've said at the end of this post is so powerful, that if it was someone else you would be worried and care and hope things would improve. It can be really hard for us to value ourselves and see ourselves as worthy of "something better."

But you are worthy and valuable and we're here for you Heart

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Re: Sad (maybe TW)

Thanks, don't have heaps of time atm do I'll just say yes I'm safe (I don't know what else 'not going to act on them' could've meant though...)

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Re: Sad (maybe TW)

Hi @hellofriend, thanks for confirming even though you are short on time. It sounds like there is a lot of uncertainty, fear and exhaustion on your shoulders Smiley Sad

We will be here to listen when you have got some more time to come back to this thread Heart
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Re: Sad (maybe TW)

@hellofriend that sounds like a difficult place to be in. I can kind of relate to feeling like even though you have made improvements things are still not great it can be really disheartening and frustrating like you have done all this work and it still isnt enough. I am sorry you are still having trouble with making friends it really is hard to do as an adult because everyone gets so busy and it is hard to make time for new friendships. I hope your day today has been/is better but of course if it isnt that is ok too even if it isnt nice. 

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Re: Sad (maybe TW)

Hey @hellofriend I'm so sorry to hear about your experiences. I know how it feels to have these kind of thoughts come out of nowhere and to follow you around even long after the strongest feeling to act on them has passed. I'm really proud of you for giving up on the feeling of obligation- realising that you're worth sticking around and it's worth keeping on going even though you don't always want to. I've been dealing with the same thoughts and not wanting to act on them and it's a very weird background to have in your daily life.


I'm sorry to hear that at the moment you're struggling to move forward in your life even though you want to. I'm wondering if there's any way you could focus on just one thing you want to improve for the next few months which can give you a sense of purpose? Like looking at just one part of your life?