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TW: I hate myself

Every time I look at myself in a mirror I cry because all I can see are my physical flaws. I’m not skinny, I’m not tall, I have acne, and I see myself as ugly. I look at the other girls in my year and wish I looked like her, or her, or her... they are tall, skinny, have flawless skin, perfect hair. And then there’s me the short fat ugly girl who no one talks to. I’m just the girl over there. The outcast. The odd one out. I just want to fit in. Tonight as I was getting I the shower I looked at myself in the mirror and burst into tears. This pain and hurt is uncontrollable. Whenever I go out with friends I don’t look at windows scared I will see my reflection. I have a twin sister who is tall, she’s got a beautiful body shape, she has a couple of pimples but not noticeable, she has nice curly hair, big eyes, tanned skin. I look nothing like her and I hate myself for being this short ugly person no one likes.

I don’t know what to do anymore 

everything hurts emotionally and physically.

i seriously have been considering taking my life the past week. Because I have felt so dead inside I want to sleep forever and never wake up. I don’t see a purpose for me anymore. 

Im sorry for ranting 

I just needed to vent.

Re: TW: I hate myself

Hi @Jesssister2001 don't be sorry we're all here to listen, no judgement.

 

First up I need to check in on the self-harm, do you need medical attention? Do you have a plan to end your life? I definitely want to get the community gathered in this thread to provide you with peer support but need to check on your safety first Heart

Re: TW: I hate myself

I’m safe I don’t have a plan to end my life. I don’t need medical attention
Thank you @Bree-RO

Re: TW: I hate myself

Hey @Jesssister2001 sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time Smiley Sad it's really hard not to compare ourselves to others and often when we're feeling really low about ourselves the people around us seem so perfect. When I have negative thoughts about myself I find it helpful sometimes to ask myself if one of my friends would say the thought I was having to me or if I would think of a friend in that way. Would that help you at all right now?

What are some strategies you could use this week to help keep yourself safe?

Re: TW: I hate myself

I don’t know @May_

Re: TW: I hate myself

Hi @Jesssister2001
I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time Smiley Sad
I am glad you are able to keep yourself safe tonight, please do because we really care about you here on RO!

Re: TW: I hate myself

Thankyou @missep

Re: TW: I hate myself

We are here to listen @Jesssister2001 Heart Am I right that most of your pain, your internalised sadness is a result of comparing yourself to your sister? Has this always been the case if so? 

Re: TW: I hate myself

That is part of it... @Bree-RO

Re: TW: I hate myself

hey @Jesssister2001, I can really relate to what you are going through. When I was in high school I was one of the shortest in my class, had pimples, glasses AND braces plus dark skin to boot (which is a no-no in Asian culture). It felt like all my friends were prettier and cuter than me, and I felt really worthless and ugly. When you live in a world that prioritise physical attraction (and a very specific set of features/physique) in women it can be terrible when you don't feel like you fit into that set of features. 

 

Now that I'm older, I'm still short, pimply (though not as bad as when I was teenager), dark-skinned, wearing glasses etc. but I have way more confidence in how I look. I actually don't think I look half bad, and in some settings I look pretty damn great! Nothing about me has physically changed much, but it was really my attitude: I began to see myself as someone who was desirable and worthy of positive attention and because of that did things that with my appearance, like buying nice clothes or getting a cute haircut.

 

In this world there are some people who are naturally born looking like supermodels, but 95% of us fall somewhere in between supernaturally good looking and supernaturally bad looking and what really makes the difference in the attitude about it. I know it must seem really hard right now but I am absolutely positive there are lovely things about your appearance that are lovely just in themselves, not in comparison to your sister or anybody else, and in addition I'm sure there are also lovely things about you as a person that just as worthy as paying attention to as the bits you don't like.