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TW I really really hate myself

** Trigger Warning

 

Hey Smiley Sad 

For about nearly 3 years now, I’ve really struggled with accepting who I am. I am so unhappy with everything about me. Over the 3 years that I’ve really realised how much I don’t like myself, I’ve constantly been trying to change who I am. It’s so tiring Smiley Sad I’ve been overworking myself to lose weight that I physically can’t lose because of how underweight I am, I’ve been eating less, I’ve tried makeup and I suck at it, I’ve tried faking who I am/pretending to be someone else, I have tried lying to myself, I’ve started going on 6km runs of a morning and my body physically cannot handle it but I feel like I have to, and so much more. With all the changes I’ve made, my hate towards myself has just grown. I don’t know what to do, being stuck as something I am so ashamed of. I genuinely feel for all the people in my life. Simply because I’m in theirs. I’m so disgusted with what I have to look at in a mirror.. I am so fat and ugly and untalented and it just makes me tense up and think ‘how could THAT even exist?’. 
Some days are harder than others, it depends how much I’m focused on myself or how much I’m focusing on other people. Focusing on other people, trying to help people and doing random acts of kindness helps take my mind off hating myself (which is too draining to ignore myself for the rest of my life and I will get nowhere in life if I don’t) but honestly nothing can erase the horrible feelings I have towards myself. Even when I make an achievement of some sort, there is no happiness it’s always ‘I could’ve done better’ or I would just pick out any piece of negativity in a situation and dwell on it. I can’t help it but I don’t know how long I can go on like this. My self-disgust has lead to me feeling like I’m not good enough and makes me believe that I deserve to die. I’m not good enough to be ‘human’ ‘alive’ ‘in someone else’s life’. 

Social media is a hard place for me to be as well.. everyone seems so.. perfect. With their perfectly skinny, pretty body’s and their successful, happy lives. It just hurts Smiley Sad 

 

Sorry I just really wanted to get this off my chest.. 3 years alone was too long. I don’t know what I want to get out of sharing this, I don’t want to love who I am because I am disgusting and don’t want to live a lie/live lying to myself. I want to change myself to something that doesn’t make me want to die but I don’t know how Smiley Sad all my changes I’m making is just making everything worse.

I’m sorry for my little rant 

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TW I really really hate myself

@Ronan-ROhere’s my new thread Smiley Sad that’s why I am down today Smiley Sad

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Re: I really really hate myself

Hey @Bananatime04 

 

No wonder you're feeling so blue today Smiley Happy  3 years of hating yourself in a long time.  I know it's not the same as everyone's experience of self-loathing is different but I certainly had self-loathing feelings during my teens for a multitude of reasons including feeling pressured to fit in with peers even though I knew I didn't, thinking I was ugly, boring, and dumb, and not really knowing who I was.

 

Being a teenager and young adult can be a really, really difficult time.  It's a period of trying to figure out who we are and how we exist in this world, and we're preparing for adulthood when we may not feel even close to ready. That's before you even consider the other difficulties life can throw at you.  It took my until my mid-20s to really figure out who I was.

 

Undoubtedly, we all have good and bad parts of ourselves.  However, when we are feeling low we cannot see any good.  I say this because you mentioned that even when you achieve something you pick out any piece of negativity.  This is because when you feel low you can begin viewing everything about yourself via a negative lens.  This lens is not objective as you've said you filter out any positives from achievement Smiley Sad

 

You've hit on an important observation.  Your days are better when you focus on helping others, but it's only distracting you from the self-loathing and thus a temporary fix.  I understand that.  However, might this caring side of you be a part of you that you don't hate? Personally, I definitely like myself more when I'm kind to others.  I don't see it as a distraction but rather as a practice.  As a metaphor, it's like filling cups.  When I practice kindness, compassion, hard work, self-care etc, I fill the positive cups.  When I'm a little more self-destructive such as being selfish, not sleeping properly, not eating right etc., I fill the negative cups.  Filling the positive at least helps me like myself more.  It's not a permanent thing.  There are days when we do something wrong and think negatively of ourselves.  This is all part of the process.  We are humans, we make errors, and we try to learn from them.  Sometimes it takes us a long time to learn them, and sometimes it can take a long time to like ourselves.

 

You've said that you want to change but don't know how.  That shows there's a part of you that does want to get better.  Given this, I wanted to ask have their been periods when you didn't hate yourself over these three years and if so what was different?  What were you doing?   This might be a difficult task given how you're feeling so it might take some time to think about this.  

 

I'm no expert on eating restrictions but I know the Butterfly Foundation specialise in this area.  Have you tried them and if so has it helped?  Apologises if you have and it hasn't.  

 

Thoughts are with you Heart

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TW I really really hate myself

Hey @Ronan-RO Smiley Happy thank you so much Heart I really appreciate your words!

 

when I think of myself, I’m not thinking of the bad parts and just filtering the good ones, I literally have none. I am completely 100% disgusted in everything about me. 
I used to not hate myself when I was training (I’m a gymnast if you didn’t already know) because that was like my escape but then it transferred to gymnastics and I was constantly disappointed in myself. I compare myself to others and think of how I could’ve improved something then I just hate myself for being the failure I am. 
I hate the support I give.. it’s honestly so shit but I love doing it. My advice is horrible (that’s why I want to improve it with the builders and mods programs to help with my future-if I have a future) but seeing the impact Gina’s advice had on me, inspired me to want to do that Smiley Happy 


I am not a fan of the butterfly foundation but I appreciate the suggestion. 

You said you didn’t find who you were until your mid 20s.. what made you find it? And how old are you now? Are you still the same person that you ‘found’ them? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to Smiley Happy 

 

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Re: TW I really really hate myself

Hey @Bananatime04 ,

 

I know you're a gymnast Smiley Happy.  Hmm, it's a fine balance between enjoying something for fun and then transferring any negative parts of yourself to it (e.g., comparing yourself to others).  I did a lot of martial arts in my teens and played heaps of competitive soccer (I still play soccer).  It was often during tough times (e.g., being injured) that I reminded myself to really just appreciate being able to play.  Certainly the Covid-19 has elicited this feeling.  Can't wait to play again!  Are you looking forward to going back to gymnastics?

 

I'm slightly older than my mid-20s haha, but not too much Smiley Happy. It's really trial and error and having the patience to discover yourself.  As cheesy as it sounds, I learned via failure and mistakes.  Through learning in lessons in mistakes (e.g., 'what I did I do wrong to result in that outcome?') and emotionally maturing I learned what I really value and enjoy.  When I focus on living by those values I'm much happier and like myself more.  However, it's a step-by-step process that's not linear.  There'll be ups and downs.  It's part of the process Smiley Happy 

 

I am the same person in some ways (I'm still too competitive when I play soccer and I'm childish sometimes) but I definitely think I've gradually become a better person over time Smiley Tongue.  Hopefully when I'm older I'll be a better person then than I am now  Heart

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Re: TW I really really hate myself

Thanks @Ronan-RO
that’s cool Smiley Happy you’re old.. haha.. I’m just kidding you’re still young as! So you’ve only just discovered who you are?

I don’t know if I’m going to go back.. I feel as if I’m too fat and I don’t want anyone to see me. It’s a problem. I haven’t joined any of the 3 weekly zoom trainings yet because I don’t want them to see me Smiley Sad

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Re: TW I really really hate myself

@Bananatime04 I can relate to having poor body image. I know it's how hard it can be when you're always comparing yourself to others. I'm the sort of person who freaks out even when I have tiny blemishes on my face. I've also struggled with the fear of gaining weight. But I'm gradually working on my food intake because with training I need to eat more in order to maintain how little I weigh. I know it's sometimes hard to see to your strengths and where you shine. But you definitely have some. You're an awesome user to RO, and support others in the RO community Smiley Happy. In the end, we are only human and are all perfectly imperfect. All of us have flaws, even the perfect models on the magazine covers. But everyone is beautiful. I don't know if that helps, my brain feels really dead today. Hope you feel better soon <3.
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Re: TW I really really hate myself

Hey @Beautifullybroken!

thank you so much 😊 it actually feels nice knowing someone else feels the same.. but I’m sorry you do. 
I also freak out when I get blemishes! I feel like I almost try and find my flaws so I can hate on myself? I’m like bullying myself. Only I’ve stopped the self harming.. although I want to start again. It’s hard going in public because I fear other people will see what I see Smiley Sad 

I just wish my flaws weren’t visible or at least not to do with my appearance.

 

Whats your training for? My weight also makes training hard for me Smiley Sad 

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Re: TW I really really hate myself

@Taylor-RO hey do you know how long the ‘next step’ thing is going to go on for?
I keep accidentally pressing the button and it’s kind of annoying me Smiley Tongue
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Re: TW I really really hate myself

Hey @Bananatime04 and @Beautifullybroken, body image can be a tough thing to battle with. One thing I have noticed is that we are our own worst critic! The things we pick on about our appearance are usually not things that other people would notice. It does make sense, I mean we look at ourselves in depth everyday - we notice when something is even a little different.. but people are not that perceptive of other people and are probably more worried about themselves. If it is people that are poking at our appearance, then it says more about them than it does about us Heart

Negative thoughts can snowball and turn into a pattern of criticising and hating yourself. It takes effort to notice and correct this pattern but it is so worth it and gets easier as you go. I have mentioned this elsewhere.. but when we have particular thoughts or theories, we can look for evidence to support these claims. People as a whole try to be as consistent as possible because we want to be right. This can serve us negatively as we can begin to focus on the evidence that supports our theories rather than looking at something objectively. This is similar to the negative lens that Ronan was talking about. It is usually a subconscious process and is really common - a lot of us may rarely pay attention to it because it is quite a difficult thing to notice. This doesn't automatically solve everything but it might give you food for thought when it comes to negative thoughts about yourself Smiley Happy

To answer your question, I am not sure - I have not heard of any plans to remove it but I could be wrong.