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TW for disccosiation

Tiny leaf is writing this about themself.

They have disccosiated. They are probably spelling that wrong but oh well.

 

First person writing is too hard right now.

Third person just feels safer for them right now.

They'll probably use first person on other threads. They don't know and will make it up as they go.

 

They don't know what to make of that. Plurality seems unlikely but is possible. They've been wondering about that for a little while.

There doesn't seem to be anyone else here so probably not.

 

Their head hurts. Their neck hurts. They are dizzy.

 

Past trauma is resurfacing. It's all too much.

Their heart is beating too fast.

 

They have realised a little to much about how their trauma has affected them.

Part of them wants to explore it further.

Most of them wants to run away and forget everything.

 

But they feel dizzy and sick and weak.

They cannot run and they have no where to go.

 

They want to sleep but thier head hurts.

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Re: TW for disccosiation

It sounds like tonight has been particularly overwhelming for you tonight @Tiny_leaf

I can really understand that some things may feel a bit clearer for you at the moment, after having time to reflect on your past. It would be really compelling to try and sit down and try and nut out how everything fits together and relates with each other, so it makes sense that you want to explore further. 

Because you're feeling a bit tired and weak at the moment, it might be a better idea to explore these things when you are feeling more rested, and ready to take things on. Ideally, it would be even better to talk these things through with a mental health professional. 

Do you think you would feel able to do something to take your mind off things for now? This could be like watching a YouTube video, or playing a mobile game. Do you have any favourite creators/channels you like to watch?

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Re: TW for disccosiation

@Andrea-RO don't know...

Didn't try to remember past it all just came back.

Want it to go away.

 

Mental health professionals don't believe it's traumatic because it's not like any trauma they've seen. No one believes them. Smiley Sad

No one will help.

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Re: TW for disccosiation

It would feel really hard to be ignored like you're describing @Tiny_leaf. I was wondering if you've ever been able to access a trauma-specific mental health supports? It might be a bit difficult to speak at the moment, but it could be helpful to get in touch with 1800 Respect. This is a hotline that specialises in trauma-informed support and counselling, and they are a bit more flexible in the type of support they give, compared to other mental health hotlines Heart I'll have to log off soon, but I hope your night is a bit more peaceful

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Re: TW for disccosiation

@Andrea-RO Okay I can do first person speech again.

Doesn't make much difference honestly but oh well.

 

1800 respect is for people who've survived/ are going through abuse, right?

I mean I definitely fit that criteria, but no one cares because it was my brother and there was no sexual assault.

Last helpline like that I tried to contact didn't give a fuck.

Anyway just gonna ad an extra TW here for abuse.

No one counts it as abuse they all call it "sibling rivalry" (I'd like them to tell that to twelve year old me after my brother [redacted for guidelines] very hard in my [redacted for guidelines], when I was crying while mum screamed at me for hiding in her bedroom. While it was painful and terrifying and wrong it wasn't exactly sexual in nature so I don't think anyone would care)

 

 

The other main trauma is from my hallucinations. Technically it has a lot of the features of inter-personal trauma, but because it was a hallucination and therefore didn't exist no one considers it traumatic.

They would if any of what I saw "really" happened. But then if it had really happened I'd be a bit too dead to really care so...

 

But yeah I think a grand total of two people have figured that repeatedly watching myself be murdered might be a bit upsetting even after the fact.

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Re: TW for disccosiation

@Tiny_leaf  I can relate my sister has done some things that were very traumatic to me but no one believes it had an impact because I am the one with the mental health problems and apparently I am the one that is more traumatic to the family either way it is always my fault, I am sorry you are struggling to be taken seriously people always think me not being able to speak is me being depressed except I just sound sad but I am not it really sucks when people don’t understand or believe you because it makes things a lot harder. Sorry I can’t help but I just wanted to say you aren’t alone, also sorry if this didn’t make sense. 

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Re: TW for disccosiation

@Eden1717 well I believe you.

 

Mentally ill people are often more likely to be hurt than to hurt others anyways. People just like stigma I guess...

 

I wish more people would try to understand. Being "crazy" isn't that much if a leap from what most people feel. They just don't like to think of that. I think they like to think they are somehow different.

But if they saw what I saw, I think they'd be traumatized as well. I'm not as different to them as they like to pretend.

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Re: TW for disccosiation

@Tiny_leaf  I believe you too, yeah maybe it is just less scary to think that they are different and it won’t happen to them. 

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Re: TW for disccosiation

@Eden1717 I guess so..

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Re: TW for disccosiation