TW for disccosiation
Tiny leaf is writing this about themself.
They have disccosiated. They are probably spelling that wrong but oh well.
First person writing is too hard right now.
Third person just feels safer for them right now.
They'll probably use first person on other threads. They don't know and will make it up as they go.
They don't know what to make of that. Plurality seems unlikely but is possible. They've been wondering about that for a little while.
There doesn't seem to be anyone else here so probably not.
Their head hurts. Their neck hurts. They are dizzy.
Past trauma is resurfacing. It's all too much.
Their heart is beating too fast.
They have realised a little to much about how their trauma has affected them.
Part of them wants to explore it further.
Most of them wants to run away and forget everything.
But they feel dizzy and sick and weak.
They cannot run and they have no where to go.
They want to sleep but thier head hurts.
It sounds like tonight has been particularly overwhelming for you tonight @Tiny_leaf.
I can really understand that some things may feel a bit clearer for you at the moment, after having time to reflect on your past. It would be really compelling to try and sit down and try and nut out how everything fits together and relates with each other, so it makes sense that you want to explore further.
Because you're feeling a bit tired and weak at the moment, it might be a better idea to explore these things when you are feeling more rested, and ready to take things on. Ideally, it would be even better to talk these things through with a mental health professional.
Do you think you would feel able to do something to take your mind off things for now? This could be like watching a YouTube video, or playing a mobile game. Do you have any favourite creators/channels you like to watch?
@Andrea-RO don't know...
Didn't try to remember past it all just came back.
Want it to go away.
Mental health professionals don't believe it's traumatic because it's not like any trauma they've seen. No one believes them. 
No one will help.
It would feel really hard to be ignored like you're describing @Tiny_leaf. I was wondering if you've ever been able to access a trauma-specific mental health supports? It might be a bit difficult to speak at the moment, but it could be helpful to get in touch with 1800 Respect. This is a hotline that specialises in trauma-informed support and counselling, and they are a bit more flexible in the type of support they give, compared to other mental health hotlines 
I'll have to log off soon, but I hope your night is a bit more peaceful
@Andrea-RO Okay I can do first person speech again.
Doesn't make much difference honestly but oh well.
1800 respect is for people who've survived/ are going through abuse, right?
I mean I definitely fit that criteria, but no one cares because it was my brother and there was no sexual assault.
Last helpline like that I tried to contact didn't give a fuck.
Anyway just gonna ad an extra TW here for abuse.
No one counts it as abuse they all call it "sibling rivalry" (I'd like them to tell that to twelve year old me after my brother [redacted for guidelines] very hard in my [redacted for guidelines], when I was crying while mum screamed at me for hiding in her bedroom. While it was painful and terrifying and wrong it wasn't exactly sexual in nature so I don't think anyone would care)
The other main trauma is from my hallucinations. Technically it has a lot of the features of inter-personal trauma, but because it was a hallucination and therefore didn't exist no one considers it traumatic.
They would if any of what I saw "really" happened. But then if it had really happened I'd be a bit too dead to really care so...
But yeah I think a grand total of two people have figured that repeatedly watching myself be murdered might be a bit upsetting even after the fact.
@Tiny_leaf I can relate my sister has done some things that were very traumatic to me but no one believes it had an impact because I am the one with the mental health problems and apparently I am the one that is more traumatic to the family either way it is always my fault, I am sorry you are struggling to be taken seriously people always think me not being able to speak is me being depressed except I just sound sad but I am not it really sucks when people don’t understand or believe you because it makes things a lot harder. Sorry I can’t help but I just wanted to say you aren’t alone, also sorry if this didn’t make sense.
@Eden1717 well I believe you.
Mentally ill people are often more likely to be hurt than to hurt others anyways. People just like stigma I guess...
I wish more people would try to understand. Being "crazy" isn't that much if a leap from what most people feel. They just don't like to think of that. I think they like to think they are somehow different.
But if they saw what I saw, I think they'd be traumatized as well. I'm not as different to them as they like to pretend.
@Tiny_leaf I believe you too, yeah maybe it is just less scary to think that they are different and it won’t happen to them.
@Tiny_leaf Sometimes, although mostly my flashbacks are of things that happened to me while in hospital as in things that staff there did to me, it is complicated though sometimes things mix. Are your flashbacks bothering you? Sometimes playing an intense game on a phone or tablet can help me be distracted enough to let one pass....
@Eden1717 that sucks..
No, I just wanted to ask. It is hard to feel like there is literally no one who understands.
I like Tetris for that, it is very good.
Hey @Tiny_leaf I'm so sorry to read that your experiences of trauma haven't been taken seriously. I want you to know that we believe you and I hope as you go through life you find more people who understand that what happens during childhood and especially with family, absolutely has an impact. Similarly, I hope there are people that can help you unpack those experiences and heal from them. How are you going this morning, last night and the weekend sounded extremely tough for you.
Well I had a fun time leaning over a toilet bowl.
Mum's getting some medicine now.
Hey @Tiny_leaf ,
I'm so sorry to hear you're unwell today, I'm glad your mum can get medicine for you. It sounds like an exhausting and difficult weekend for you. I hope you're feeling a bit better soon, thinking of you.
@Janine-RO well the pain has gone from "I literally want to die" to "this is incredibly painful I want to throw up" so that's good I guess.
That sounds pretty awful @Tiny_leaf , but I'm glad it's improved a bit at least. Does the home doctor service do visits where you live? We've used them before when my daughter had stomach issues and they were very helpful.
I was just reading back over your posts here from last night - if you do decide you'd like to talk through what happened with your brother, I agree that 1800respect might be a helpful place to start.
They offer online counselling as well, and their counsellors are trauma informed and skilled in dealing with all forms of family violence.
Thinking of you, I hope you're feeling a bit better soon.
@Janine-RO we're calling health direct.
It seems bad that the pain is this severe after feeling unwell for so long.
I think I explained a while ago why I was reluctant to call 1800 respect.
No one cares when it's your brother anyway.
Wow @Tiny_leaf that sounds pretty full on! I hope you are feeling better now. Heartburn is the worst. 😞
I hope it didn't hurt too much to take off the electrodes. The hospital I go to tends to do ECGs on me before I have surgeries because I get tachycardia and I remember feeling as though they were ripping off bandaids. 😞
Good luck with the self-care guide! I did something similar the other day. 🙂
@WheresMySquishy it was..
Plus the drip they put me on had more water in it than I'd drink in a day so my body felt weird as.
I was lucky, the electrodes were pretty easy to take off.
It's just that I'd though I got all of them off in hospital. It's like a treasure hunt 
One of the nurses was very nice, she got me a warm blanket and some fruit juice. 
@Tiny_leaf That sounds like such a strange feeling. I've had a few drips but I don't remember feeling whatever is going in them. Most of the time, I only know when I am receiving something through a cannula if I am told or see it. My sister says she can always feel when something is going into a drip or cannula though.
Haha! Maybe you can keep them as 'souvenirs' and put them in a scrapbook or box. I keep some things I get from hospitals such as bracelets. They also let me keep part of the device when I had my eye procedure because it was single-use.
Aww! That nurse sounds like an angel. 🙂 I remember having a really nice nurse when I stayed overnight. I was a bit nervous to ask her to give me more blankets or get out of bed, but she was really understanding and helpful.
It's a good thing that they let you eat and drink. 🙂 When I went to the emergency department, the emergency doctor decided that I would be nil by mouth until they saw the CT scan but a nurse gave me a sip of water when I asked for it anyway because I didn't know this yet (he later got annoyed with her). I last ate something at 3am, had the water at 11am and didn't get to eat or drink anything else until around 7pm.
@WheresMySquishy I think it was just cause my low blood sugar was effecting my results..
I could tell about the drip because the saline was freezing. Apparently they couldn't microwave it though
