I want to die, but I can't.
I'm 17 years old and I've been suicidal for about 4 years. I've been chronically bullied all my life and I've recently been diagnosed with symptoms of PTSD and a bit of Bipolar Disorder.
Basically, I want to die. So badly. I want to get it over with and take my life. My thoughts control me, I live in the past and I lose control of my emotions often. I want to end it all, but I can't.
I can't because of my family. My mother is my best friend and my rock, I would be lost without her. She's going through a lot and I feel like if I were to commit suicide, she would blame herself and start hurting herself. I would never want that. I also have a lot of cousins who are a lot younger than me. The thought of their parents trying to explain to them that they'll never see me again, it breaks my heart. I'm being torn in half. Half of me wants to die and leave this somewhat ugly world behind, but the other half wants me to stay, for my family.
Help?
Comments
Hello @WalkingInTheWind
I am so sorry that you have been feeling that way. But from what it sounds like, you have a wonderful supportive mother.
Just curious if you took @Bree-RO suggestion and called Kids Helpline at 1800 55 1800 or Lifeline at 13 11 14 might be a good starting point. There will always be someone on the other end that will pick up and you can talk to them about what you are going through and your feelings. 
You're smart and caring and considerate of your loved ones despite of the hardships you're facing right now. Despite the pain you're feeling, you don't want to bring pain to your family. I can definitely understand you, I've been through something similar a couple of years back; I fell into depression. I lost one of my best friend because of some issues and people in school were spreading rumours about me and a guy in my year. I lost all of my friends and I was shunned. I had no one. I couldn't turn to my parents and I didn't have anyone who understood me, the counselor back then didn't help in any way. Like you I was suicidal for quite some time. i want to just be gone but i didn't have it in me. I loved my family all too much. I could never bear the thought of my cousins, my brother and basically my whole family, crying and thinking that its all their fault.
likewise my best friend was in a similar situation a couple years back. He was bullied since he started primary school until he moved to Australia. He often felt alone and misunderstood, some thought that he was just trying to gain attention. His family weren't much help because his sisters would rather leave him all alone than help him. He was diagnosed with PTSD as well as depression. He tried to kill himself.... he tried all too many times. But he didn't give up, he found people who kept him going, he talked to professionals and planned how he's going to deal with the struggles everyday. Eventually he started becoming more happy and more positive. He's all better now. He has a girlfriend and his family is much more supportive of him.
me saying this might not make a difference but i just want you to know that there IS a beautiful place at the end of the dark tunnel, you just have to keep on walking until you finally beat the hardships in life! ❤️
if you are still feeling suicidal do not hesitate to contact Lifeline at 13 11 14, Kids Helpline at 1800 55 1800 or Suicide Call Back Line at 1300 659 467, if you urgently need someone to talk to they are available 24/7.
Firstly thank you so much for sharing your journey with us here at ReachOut, we all are here to listen to and support you; well done on this - great first step into self-care.
I am so sorry for this really heavy feeling of wanting to die, PTSD and Bipolar can be really challenging to deal with sometimes, then bullying as well; it's understandable to hear you've been feeling this down. It's important you know that you're incredibly valuable, which you've noted with your Mum - you are so important to her. And important to all of us too. I am so glad you've reached out to us here.
Firstly have you utilised a service called Kids Helpline? They are great qualified counsellors, they work with people up to 25 years of age and can help you strategise around bullies as well as some of the symptoms of Bipolar and PTSD. They have webchat here and their number is 1800 55 1800. I want you to know bullying is not okay and unfortunately all too common in school... You are an amazing and eloquent writer, and very caring by the sounds of things; those bullies must be very insecure.
I will tag some other members of our forums too, to provide further support for you.
Do you have any plans on ending your life? Hope to hear from you.
hi there @WalkingInTheWind how are you going?
has these feelings subsided abit?
have you taken on board any advice that these other loveley caring memebrs have given you?
