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Figuring out Perfectionism

Hey guys, I hope you're having a great week Heart

 

I was just wondering if any of you have tips on working around perfectionism and feeling like you have to have everything organised all of the time. 


It's not even that I'm anxious about it, but I think since I was younger, I've always been the type to be super organised, have everything planned out etc. Like...yes, this can be a very good thing in terms of having a plan for the future and giving myself the best chance at things, but it can get VERY exhausting. Even in the holidays, I feel like I have to be doing something. 

 

I have been getting better little by little, day by day. My boyfriend has been helping me a lot to find a better balance. He's a lot more free-spirited than me and we've been helping each other a lot. He's very patient with me and super caring. 

 

I just wanted to pop on to see if anyone else relates and can help a girl out! Heart

ayrc_1904
ayrc_1904Posted 26-06-2020 10:29 PM

Comments

 
JullyBean
JullyBeanPosted 15-07-2020 04:34 PM

Hey there @ayrc_1904,

 

 I feel you when it comes to how exhausting being a perfectionist can be! I have a similar experience to you actually in regards to your boyfriend being a lot more free-spirited and helping you to find more balance. What I have found really useful is scheduling a day of doing nothing (usually a Sunday) with him here or there knowing in the back of my mind that I can't/don't have to totally plan the day. I find that this helps because I don't feel like I'm wasting the day because it is time spent catching up with him (even though sometimes I do stress about what I could be doing at home although this probably occurs more when I am particularly busy).

 

I find that planning my week ahead is also useful but I am working on not planning so extensively and hence, not being so let down if I don't finish something when I expected and allowing myself to be a bit more spontaneous. I think something that helps with this is planning long term goals rather than short term. So for example, making a plan at the start of the week that I want x y and z finished and knowing that my days off are Wednesday and Thursday that week and so I can do those things on those days (as opposed to knowing exactly when and for how long I will do each thing/ how long each thing should take me). On that note, trying to think in terms of what I can do instead of what I should do is a mental shift I am working on making. I wonder if there are any mental shifts you could work on that might benefit you?

 
 
ayrc_1904
ayrc_1904Posted 19-07-2020 03:20 PM

Hey @JullyBean 

Thanks for your reply! I completely get it!! 

The thigns you do to help yourself sound really useful though. I'll give it a shot! I do a similar thing planning out a week ahead but these days I purposely schedule in break time as being a part of my schedule so I feel less guilty about it. 

 
 
StormySeas17
StormySeas17Posted 16-07-2020 05:41 PM

Hi everyone, I wanted to add in some more suggestions as a recovering perfectionist Smiley Very Happy

 

My perfectionism honestly ruined my mental health in high school. I did very well one year and from then on I had this feeling that everyone expected me to be the smartest, best person. It was a blessing and a curse, because it did make me feel very special and important, but I was absolutely terrified of failing! I remember my counsellor having to tell me that in reality, nobody expects me to be perfect. I also remember my ex saying to me that people don't like people who are perfect all the time because they're unrelatable! A bit of a weird comment bit it did help me Smiley LOL

 

But, the thing that really did help me was actually experiencing failure. In first year uni I failed an assignment spectacularly, one that I think we were genuinely set up to fail. Funnily enough, the world didn't stop turning for me. I actually am very grateful for that failure because I learned a lot about whether the pain of trying so hard is always worth the success. I have also learned a lot about when to ask for help because struggling is normal and okay and, in fact, everyone struggles, even the people who seem to always get it right.

 

The other way I've learned to fail is by putting myself in situations where failure is inevitable, and is expected, even encouraged! Firstly, I did martial arts for a long time. You certainly don't start out an expert, and a lot of it is about having the discipline to fail again and again until you get it right. And even the masters still fail and they know it Smiley Very Happy The other thing I do is rock climbing and bouldering. It's interesting because in that case, failure LITERALLY means letting go. It is so scary to fall from a height, but once upon a time I literally slipped and fell straight on my butt from up on the wall. Once that happened, I was never so scared of falling again because I knew I would be okay and could get back on the wall. I think it works because it's just little tastes of victory and defeat with every climb and it slowly teaches you to be okay with fear or disappointment. I also have a friend who had even worse issues with failure and facing fear than I did and these two sports have worked wonders for her confidence in herself! Which is why I recommend them Smiley Very Happy

 
 
 
Lottie
LottiePosted 21-07-2020 01:15 PM

Hey Everybody! 

 

I really love this thread, I too have struggled with perfectionism pretty much my whole life, and even my mum has talked to me about her struggles with perfectionism (so I know where I got it from!) 

 

I just wanted to jump on here to say, first of all I think the tips that have already been shared are really great. I especially liked @StormySeas17's comment doing things where you know you'll fail but it doesn't matter.

I personally tried out a squash course at the end of last year. I have never been good at racket sports, and I think a huge part of that has been related to overthinking, being too worried about embarrassing myself. I took on this course, honestly, because it was free, but that meant I had nothing invested in any kind of outcome. I didn't even tell anyone I was doing it, because I didn't want to have to then play squash with people and still be bad at it. Basically, the conditions I did it under freed me up to fail completely and no-one who I knew would ever have to know about it. It ended up having so much fun, started telling people about it and even invited my friend along to the final game. Best of all I won my last game! I think it was just a really important lesson in letting go of expectations, practicing quieting the mind and just focusing on the task at hand. I think this kind of practice is so helpful for perfectionism! Although we have noble goals I think sometimes thinking too much about the goal can distract from the process, and cause things like procrastination, or avoiding doing something all together.

 

I did also want to mention another tip, which I was given once, about values. It was a conversation about how disproportionate my happiness is after succeeding at something compared to my sadness over failing. I expect myself to do well so much that I don't gain happiness from success, but I can be brought right down by a failure. I was taught to take a wider look at my values as a person, rather than focusing so much on the specific task. Instead, I was encouraged to write down what "values", such as a kind person, or a good friend, or a helpful person, I hold dear and believe to be important (you can have values related to each facet of your life). Following this, I was encouraged to focus on how the activity was helping me to work towards those values, rather than a specific thing. 

For example, If a good grade is what I was striving towards, my related values as a person might be: to be a conscientious person, and to always seek out learning opportunities in order to grow. In this instance, even if I didn't achieve the grade, as long as I did my best effort in itself aligned with my values, therefore I had achieved success in that way. I hope that makes sense. 

 

These are just a few things that have helped me, and I've been taught, but maybe they will help other people as well? Would love to hear if anyone finds any of this stuff helpful at all. 

 

I'm also always looking for more ideas too, because it's hard to get the balance right! 🙂

 
 
 
 
StormySeas17
StormySeas17Posted 24-07-2020 12:04 AM

Haha @ayrc_1904 us perfectionists need to stick together sometimes! Those two examples worked well for me but I think any 'mastery' art where the people in charge are empathetic to the process will work Smiley Happy

 

Hey @Lottie! I absolutely love that you shared your squash experience- it's so confronting to have to face your insecurities head-on and to smash it like that is insane Smiley Tongue I think you've made a really good point that so much of being a perfectionist or having to be perfect is really a label we give ourselves, we let it become part of our identity. Which I guess would be the reason you wanted to try doing squash without anyone you know being there, because it's part of your identity. I certainly find it relieving to be around new people when I'm in new situations without anyone I know being there- maybe it's because I'm too perfectionistic about my own appearances?

 

I find your values comments so helpful! I feel like so many people become unhappy when they let external objects rule their lives and I guess external goals like grades or money are the same! I also try super hard with everything I do so being conscientious would probably be a high-up value for me too. 

 
 
 
ayrc_1904
ayrc_1904Posted 19-07-2020 03:23 PM

Hey @StormySeas17 

Thanks for sharing!! hahahah that's such an interesting way to improve! I'm so open to doing that myself. I relate to you so so so much though. I guess us perfectionists just have to support each other and keep pushing ourselves to give ourselves a break sometimes!

 
November13
November13Posted 09-07-2020 03:28 PM

Hi, I just wanted to pop in to show you some love Heart Yes being a perfectionist can get pretty exhausting, and it's great that you're wanting to change it!

 

I struggle with perfectionism as well, and for a while it stopped me from trying new things that I thought I might not be good at, and made me procrastinate sooo much because I got overwhelmed with my own expectations. And I never felt like I ever achieved anything, because the second I reached my goals, I just assumed it was luck and kept striving for even higher standards.

 

What really helped me was giving myself permission to not get everything done perfectly, set time aside to rest, and try new things. I started really small and it sure felt very uncomfortable at first. But a lot of good things have come from that, and I have to say I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't tried to let go of my perfectionism!

 

I still struggle with wanting to do a lot and sometimes holding myself to reaaaally high standards, and I'm okay with that. I'm still learning and I don't need to be perfect at getting rid of my perfectionism Smiley LOL

 

Good luck with your journey, and I would love to hear how you go!

 
 
ayrc_1904
ayrc_1904Posted 12-07-2020 09:51 PM

Hey @November13 !

Thank you for sharing your story with me Smiley Very Happy

I'll definitely try your method of starting with baby steps and gradually letting myself let go of the perfectionism more and more. I think it's a battle because technically I guess aiming for high goals is good, but the need for everything to specifically be 'perfect' is the bad part about it. 

 

I'll update you when I can! Heart

 
 
Jess1-RO
Jess1-ROPosted 09-07-2020 04:38 PM

Hi @ayrc_1904,

 

So much of your post really resonates with me! I am 24 and right from very young I have been a perfectionist. I remember seeing a psychologist when I was younger who reiterated to me that perfectionism could be one of my biggest strengths if I use it in moderation, but when it seeped into other parts of my life, it could also be something that could hinder my recovery.

 

I really love @November13's post, and I think it spoke to my experience too.

"What really helped me was giving myself permission to not get everything done perfectly, set time aside to rest, and try new things. I started really small and it sure felt very uncomfortable at first. But a lot of good things have come from that, and I have to say I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't tried to let go of my perfectionism!"

 

Last year I had a huge amount of change in my life, and had to really re-evaluate how living in the unknown and not being in control made me feel, and also take calculated little steps over time to give myself room to breathe, room to explore who I am, and room to take some healthy risks- even when that meant not getting it right or failing sometimes. To be honest, failing or not "doing things right" or "not doing enough" were and sometimes still are my biggest fears. While I tried new things I started a journal in March last year, and it's one I still keep today 🙂 I recorded all the things I learnt about myself when I stepped outside my comfort zone. For example I learnt I can let go and have fun- I never used to have fun because I was constantly assessing the risk!

I have come a long way and know I still have a way to go- recovery is a journey! I am learning so much about myself. Every person's experience is different and as unique as you are, so my experience won't be the same. But, I hope that by posting here and reading from others that you know you aren't alone Heart and it sounds like you have a supportive partner which is fantastic!

 

Us perfectionists exploring an imperfect world need to stick together and support each other!

 
 
 
ayrc_1904
ayrc_1904Posted 12-07-2020 09:58 PM

Thank you @Jess1-RO  for your insightful post!! 

I love that I can come here and find people I relate with. It makes me feel less alone in my struggles. Keeping a diary seems like such a good idea! That way, you can keep track of things and remind yourself of the amazing things you've experienced when you let yourself go for something. I'll probably try that! 

 

I'm so proud of you for being on this recovery journey and really finding things that work for you! Hopefully I get there too Heart

 
Sophia-RO
Sophia-ROPosted 27-06-2020 03:16 PM

Hello @ayrc_1904, thanks for sharing your story with us. It can be really hard dealing with perfectionism as it is not always easy to get things perfect! You are right as it is good to have a plan for the future, but sometimes our plans/future do not always work out the way that we are wanting. That's when we can get upset and eventually exhausted. I think it is really great that your boyfriend has been supporting you and helping you to find a good balance.

 

I think if you have a look online you could find a few different strategies to help you out. I have had a look and found a conversation from Headspace that discusses perfectionism in some detail. One strategy that I can think of that you might find helpful would be to try and set smaller goals. It might be too hard to not set any goals/plans, so if you were to change your goals and set smaller, more achieveable ones (such as cleaning the room on a certain day) you might find it easier to change how you are feeling on the holidays. I hope that you find this to be helpful. Please feel free to keep us updated here on the forums Heart

 
 
ayrc_1904
ayrc_1904Posted 05-07-2020 08:28 PM

Thanks @Sophia-RO !

 

I really appreciate it. I'll have a look at the headspace link. I'll update you when I can after trying out some new techniques to help the perfectionism. 

Heart

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