Tough times

Hi all,

I like to control whats happening in my life. But this year really is a statement that I am not in control. That I am a subject to my environment and my family.

My own struggles of how I wanted my life to play out is not coming to be. My ambitions crushed. I am forced to build new dreams, compromised and different.

I dont know how to accept the changes that are being forced in my life. I dont know what to do but I have time to grow to accept these changes. Please advise. 

I appreciate the support.

Hey @Looking_to_improve

I can really relate to a lot of what you have mentioned about liking to control what is happening in your life and not being able to control much this year in regards to your environment, family and ambitions.

Something that is helping me keep my head up when this starts to get to me too much is to mentally take a step back from the idea that trying to control things will actually give me more control. This sounds a little backwards I know but I think it is something I realised through my sessions with my dietician over my disordered eating and I think it is something I can relate to in many areas of my life, so maybe you can too. In the thick of this period of my life I would want to control every thing I ate and felt a lot of anxiety about food not prepared by me or when someone ate something from my sections of the fridge and pantry. I wanted to control every little thing. I cried after a fight with my dad wanting to eat an apple I already planned to eat 3 days ahead. I would plan every little thing out. I told my dietician this and she asked me what I could do if he had eaten it and a little embarrassed I said "eat another fruit that Mum had bought". This little scenario scared me a little because it made me realise that by needing to control things so badly, I actually felt out of control when the slightest thing fell out of place.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that some times we all need to remember that when it comes to planning things, setting new goals and dreaming up new dreams, it is helpful to remind ourselves to not think so much about the nitty gritty aspects of it all because being human means we are subject to changes and mistakes. It is always nice to organise ourself and be prepared for something we are setting out to do but you might find some mental clarity when you go a bit easier on yourself. Something else that really helps me with this is recognising all the things I've already accomplished that I always forget because im so busy planning the next part of my life. I try to sit down and write my achievements every so often (I'm thinking of literally scheduling it in my diary to do at minimum once a month) and it really helps me to realise how much I have done that I had planned to do a year ago today. Maybe you could practice this is some way or another? Through journalling, drawing, music or something else creative that you like doing? Does something spring to mind when you hear of this example?

Hi @JullyBean @indieinsanus @Sophia-RO @ecla34 ,

Thanks for your replies and shared support. 

I am so focused on what I need to do and how I am going to get there that I push aside the acheivements I am making along the way.

@JullyBean your story really resonates with me. I like feeling in control and steering where I want my life to go. This year has shown me that there are so many things that I have no power over. If those things wont change only I can change myself by growing and overcoming.

I often fall into the trap of finding a new goal and turning that into my everything. Forgoing celebrating and recognizing my past achievements and efforts. My way of life is so fast paced that slowing down exposes my insecurities about myself.

Expressing how I feel and what im going through in this forum is great.

Again thanks for your support.

I think it is awesome that you are finding it great to express how you feel here on the forums @Looking_to_improve. I think a lot us can sometimes go through life too fast without paying attention to achievements and good things along the way. So I don't think you are alone there! It is really good advice to focus on the aspects that we can currently change when we are faced with situations that are uncertain. It can be hard to deal with uncertainty, but like you mentioned it helps to focus on overcoming these changes by letting ourselves grow

I can imagine how difficutl these times have been for you lately @Looking_to_improve  as the environment has been constantly changing and so uncertain lately. It can be hard to accept changes that are handed to us. I think you have shown a lot of insight as you mentioned that you will have to grow to accept these changes. I think it would be helpful for you to get some support around the thoughts that you have been having. Is there anyone that you feel comfortable talking about this to?

Hi @Looking_to_improve , I'm sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. This lock down and the world in general is kind of disheartening, and is negatively impacting a lot of peoples mental health right now, so I am happy you were able to reach out and talk to us here on RO. 

I can empathise with feeling like your dreams and ambitions have crumbled because of the circumstances, and it sucks. But I have hope, because I know the world is not going to be like this forever; things will improve someday.

The world is really strange right now. Being stuck with your family and confined to one environment can evoke a lot of negative emotions. But I hope you can find ways to feel comforted and okay, wether that be through talking to others, listening to music, engaging in a hobby, cooking, or just doing anything that gives you joy or comfort. This year definetly has enforced a lack of control. But it is only temporary in the large scheme of things. However I know loosing your sense of control is something that can make you feel like your struggling. Try to take comfort in the things you can control. And remember that lock down won't last forever.

I am not sure what exact changes, (other then the obvious world situation) have happened in your life. But just know that no matter what is going on, the future is always yours. Your now may suck, but as one of my favourite authors said 'your now is not your forever'. Do not give up, keep dreaming of the life you want, and keep reaching for it. Try to think of the positives ( even though I know this can be hard) about any changes in your life. There is always a way to the life that you want.

I hope you are feeling okay and I hope this was able to help a little bit (sorry if it didn't make much sense).<3