Unsure if i should stick with current boyfriend - advice?
Hello all,
A bit of context. I have recently been struggling a lot with my current bf of 1.5 years. In december through to early january i went on a once in a lifetime trip with his family to 5 different countries, and i really felt like our relationship thrived. However, fast-forward to when the trip finished, he has completely changed. He is lazy, does not want to make the bus trip to my house, puts no effort whatsoever into this relationship, would rather play video games than talk to me and was acting extremely inappropriately, for example wiping his snot on me and deliberately breathing in my face. This is absolutely unacceptable, and i have since asked him to stop. This took 3 tries over the course of three months to finally get any type of real response, with the last one being a fed-up blowout from me saying that if he kept treating me like garbage i would leave (which i stick by too). Keep in mind we are both 18 and in our first relationship, recently finished the HSC. Though i feel i am much, MUCH more mature than him. He is on the inside a good and wholesome dude, and i do not believe he means any harm by doing these things, it is not his personality type to deliberately hurt me. I just believe he has absolutely no clue whatsoever how to treat me. I am struggling with this. I feel i am constantly criticizing his behaviour, though i do not mean it in a controlling way. I believe i am in my rights to tell him to stop behaving badly towards me. I do not expect much other than respect, which i have not been recieving. Despite all of this, after my major spit, he did make some changes, such as calling me in the morning and being a bit more affectionate (it got to the point a month ago where he wouldnt even want to hug or kiss me - not normal in my opinion). He also took me out to the movies (also a rare occasion, considering he would actively make excuses not to go out). I want to keep giving him chances because i love him with all my heart and he was really good for me last year, though has done absolute jack for me this year. To top this all off, i found that he was secretly in contact with an ex-friend of mine who significantly affected my mental health last year with her bullying, someone who i decidedly cut out of my life. Even though my bf and her were friends beforehand (and dated for 2 weeks), i see this as a betrayal, as it was secret communication and she has actively treated me like shit and i do not believe he should be supporting that at all, considering his girlfriend was significantly hurt by her. I am not sure how i should approach this relationship anymore. I can feel it slowly tattering away and i desperately want it to last, as he is genuinly at heart a good person. I do not think he realises how much he has done to hurt me, even though i constantly remind him. My parents are suprised i havent broken it off already. When is it time to draw the line, however much doing so will upset and hurt me? Any advice or outside insight into the information i have provided will be useful and much appreciated
Many thanks and apologies for the long explanation, just needed to get it out of my system.
Oh @comerfordius I can understand why you're feeling unsure. Especially since you had that amazing trip and then things seemed to change when you came home. I also get why you'd be feeling strange that your bf was chatting with someone who really hurt you. Open communication is so important, especially with things like that.
Deciding when to break things off is something you have to decide for yourself. However, some tips I have for working that out is to reflect on what your boundaries are. What does "enough" look like to you? It's different for everyone. We have an article here called "Is your relationship past it's use-by date". I think that might be helpful to read 
Big virtual hugs!
Thank you so much for replying i really appreciate it. I will check out the article. Yeah its just really confusing. I openly communicated with him multiple times and did a values activity, before i blew up. I am just feeling a bit sad. I'm giving him 3 months and if i still feel like this i may sadly have to end it 😞
Many thanks for your advice
Thank you also for replying 🙂 I do hope it works out because he is a genuine guy on the inside who needs to grow up a bit. This week has been so far so good (besides finding out he was talking to my bully), and i hope the goodness lasts. On top of all this i found out yesterday afternoon that my aunty has multiple brain tumours and is going into emergency surgery tomorrow, so i guess i will see how he supports me through this time. When i had my spit at him i asked him if he even wanted to be in a relationship based on how he was treating me, and he said that he did indeed want me to be his girlfriend. We will see how this plays out.
Again many many thanks for the reply, i really appreciate the support and advice 🙂
And yes i will keep updating if anything new comes through 🙂 this is my medium to get things off my chest with a little advice on the side 🙂
Hey @comerfordius!
I'm so glad to hear that you're finding ReachOut a helpful place to talk about thing in your time of need 🙂 How are you feeling today?
Hello! I am feeling a bit better today, though have contemplated that it is probably best to end the relationship. it was hard to think about but after talking to my parents and asking their opinions i think it is probably the best thing to do if he is not treating me well. I am still hopeful that he will come around im just not sure if i want to wait for my initial plan of three months to pass. But otherwise im doing good today and took the dog out 😄 😄
Hey @comerfordius
It sounds like you've (pretty much) made your decision. It's great that you feel you can talk to your parents. I think you're right. If he isn't treating you well then ending things is probably the healthiest thing that you can do for yourself. Please keep us updated on how things go and thanks again for sharing!
Hi there! Yeah I think I pretty much have made my decision. I am having a good conversation with him right now, though earlier I asked if he wanted to come to mine (he always makes excuses) and he quite just said “lazy”. He doesn’t mean bad but I have brought it up multiple times as I said before. My dad doesn’t reckon he is right for me, and I don’t either in fact. I think I need someone more outgoing and who respects me and doesn’t playfully put me down. Even though the good times are good, other than that I get nothing. I will see this through coronovirus, as a final chance, and then I think it is best to leave it be, give him some space to grow as a person. I think at the moment he likes the idea of me and is putting in minimal effort, rather than actually wanting to make an effort😿it is a sad time of contemplation at the moment unfortunately. Really just reassessing what I need in my life.
thank you so much for replying and understanding🙂
Hey, @comerfordius.
I'm not too sure which words to start with. But the first thought that comes to mind is thanking you for opening and sharing the events that have been going on and the thoughts on your mind. I know I am a stranger, but I can definitely see the maturity and strength you have through these posts.
It is not an easy situation to be in - To love someone but wonder if they are right for us. Many parts of this I can relate to in my own way. An important thing I want to reassure you of is that you are allowed to ask yourself...
- Am I happy in this relationship?
- Am I able to meet their needs?
- Are my needs being met?
- Are we able to work as a team?
- Does this person communicate with me?
- Does this person respect and value me?
Even then, I know it is not an easy process... And something tells me that there is a feeling of 'I don't want to go, I want to say in hopes that things change'. If that is the case, it is a very valid feeling. Love is a very sacred feeling and I don't think any person could easily just drop those feelings - And if I were to guess, especially in a case where a person isn't inherently bad, they're just not as mature as they should be.
I hope that no matter the outcome, whether he makes the changes you are hopeful for, or... if none at all, you have that support and that this situation doesn't change how you see or feel about yourself.
As I said. You deserve to feel valued, important, wanted, needed and importantly, happy in the relationship. I'm hoping for the best, Comrfordius. And if you can, please keep us updated about your aunty. I hope the surgery goes smooth and easy.
Sincerely,
Khajiit.
Thank you so much for the lengthy reply🙂yes that whole message is exactly what I feel and I do believe that maturity has a lot to do with it. I will keep you posted about the relationship and my Aunty🙂She had emergency surgery yesterday for a biopsy and we will not get anything new until next week.
Many Many thanks for the reply💕
Apologies i don't know how to start a new post without replying to someone.
Hello all, i thought id give a little update on my circumstances. My Aunty has now lost vision in her left eye and we are waiting to recieve the results of her recent bone marrow tap. In regards to my relationship, i am much less emotional about breaking up in terms of i am more positive. However i do not know if this is a good thing or not. I am struggling with holding myself back and letting him take the lead, which has made me realise that i am very much attached to him. Funnily enough, i planned to end it today and i was so so emotional and distraught, however 2 days ago my mother gave me a different opinion and thinks that with some development in maturity and putting more effort in, he would be the right guy. And i was suddenly very conflicted about my future decision. I know i shouldnt base what i do on my parents opinions, but it makes it harder when one is optimistic and one thinks he's not the right guy. I came to the conclusion through this that i need more adventure, rather than staying over at his all the time with the occasional movie outing. We also had a mild discussion about future long-term goals, in which we decided we would save up for 2 years to go to japan together. I also asked him about marriage, house and all the deep stuff and he gave me some time periods we could achieve those in. Still, i am keeping an eye out for any commitment on his side, though it made me very happy that we had the long-term chat. Now the main thing i am finding annoying is when he disregards what im saying by automatic responses such as 'yes' and 'interesting'. E.g. "what did you do today" (me) - "yes" (him), which i have since told him i find irritating and he needs to make the effort to give a proper response. I have general mixed feeling at the moment and feel like i am always bringing up relationship issues with him. But there are a lot that we need to work on! especially on his side. I have not fully retracted back into the lovey dovey, non-breakupy girl of the months prior, though i will make a justified effort to retract back a little bit to see if he does his part, if he can be bothered i guess. But that's another story.
Thank you for reading if you got this far, just updating on circumstance and the current fluidity of my emotions towards my situation 🙂
@comerfordiusThanks for the update. I'm sorry to hear about your aunty. I hope she's okay.
In terms of your boyfriend, it sounds like you aren't ready to let go yet and want to give things another go. And I totally get asking your parents for advice, I've done the same in the past when I've had relationship difficulties. It sounds like you've made some progress in terms of discussing future plans. It's good that he's open to talking about that stuff - it sort of implies he's taking you seriously. Talking about marriage is a pretty big thing and from what you said, it sounds like he's open to the idea, right? It sounds like now, you want to see him put his words into actions, correct? I really like how you've identified that you need more adventure and expressed that to him. Going to Japan sounds amazing, but in the meantime maybe can do low-cost adventure, such as going for a hike at the nearest mountain, or exploring a nice cafe in the city 
. I guess all you can really do is communicate with him and hope that things improve. I can see how having to constantly bring up relationship issues would be exhausting for you though, and I really empathise with that.
Yes! You have definitely put my whirlwind of thoughts into a proper, readable paragraph 😄 I thank you so much for that reading this has definitely enabled me to pinpoint certain feelings and where i am coming from. No i don't think i am quite ready to let go and yes i certainly would like to see his words put into action. I have also started discussing other things to do when this 'stay at home' business ends, such as camping and paddle-boarding, to which he has been...somewhat open to i guess? Yes my parents have been brilliant throughout this whole bananza, even with my dad having to deal with my aunties diagnosis last week. I do still believe that my bf wants to stay home and game with friends before anything else, though i feel he has very slowly began to realise he actually needs to put an effort in. It is not as much as i had hoped for and we cant really do anything due to the virus, though a start is a start. I have let him know that i dont expect him to do everything adventure related that i want to, just that he starts getting out the house more and actually doing things with me more often. Hopefully this follows through 🙂
Thank you so much this reply was really helpful in enabling me to put my thoughts into proper structure 🙂
Hey @comerfordius ,
Sounds like a good plan. Start off with small goals and see how he goes. Who knows, it may spark an interest in him he didn't know he had :).
Hello again all,
just a quick (and short i promise) update. The boyfriend issue is improving slowly and i am giving him the benefit of the doubt. So far so good on that end. And my Aunty is currently being treated for non-Hodgkin lymphoma only in the brain and began chemo yesterday! all is going rather well in an unexpected turn of events 🙂
Thank you all for your support it has really put me in a better mindset where i have been able to better evaluate my emotions. I will continue to update 🙂
Thanks for the update @comerfordius It's good to hear that things are getting there with your bf. Really sorry to hear about your auntie though, that must be really tough for your family. How are you coping with that?
Hello there.
My family has been coping quite well the last week. The week before however was absolutely terrible as we had no idea what the outcome was and it was looking quite grim. However we are very happy that she is home and receiving the best treatment she can. Thank you for asking🙂
I'm glad to hear things are looking up @comerfordius and that the doctors have an action-plan regarding your aunty. It's always nice to hear that treatments are available.
Hello again!
yes it is amazing that there are many treatments available, even though surgery was not an option unfortunately 😞 I have actually come on tonight to update about my bf. I have had a few chats with him since my major blowout, including bringing up complimenting more and general effort (again). I still hold true to my decision to end the relationship should he remain lazy, and i believe i am more confident than i was before in this endeavor. I had a good thought today that if the time comes around, i will be ready to do so, confident in myself and what i need. I actively asked him today what he did to get off his bum and he just said gaming, walking the dog and doing assignments. To be fair we are confined mostly to our homes and he brought this up, though i reminded him that he pretty much did nothing for me beforehand and he needs to get off his ass (excuse the language), as he pretty much did what he is doing now. I am trying to pitch outing and day trip ideas to him for when we are out of this crisis, however, he is unfortunately completely uninterested and when i ask him what he wants to do he just says stay home or go to his favourite bookstore, or make a joke out of it. Bit annoying. I kind of figure i would like to be with someone who would want to go on a farmstay with me on the coast, or go camping in the bush (both options i suggested). Just waiting and seeing i guess 🙂 I am definitely more ambitious than him.
Not asking for advice, just a general update on thoughts and feelings 🙂
Many thanks for reading 🙂
Hey @comerfordius
Thanks so much for the update. It sounds like you're feeling more confident within yourself than you did last time, and feeling more ready to make any decision that is right for you. It also sounds like you're beginning to identify things you'd need/like in a partner, such as someone with similar interests to you, or someone who "gets off their ass" a little more often 
. It's good that you're identifying these things, as all of this knowledge about what you want in a partner will help if you ever start dating again.
Hello 🙂
Yes i am definitely more confident which is a big positive. I am still hopeful he will turn around a bit when this whole Corona thing is over, though if it has to end it will be for the best 🙂
Thank you for the reply!
