@Iona-RO @fishyie @Sophia-RO @Bre-RO
Ok, so another update! A biggish one, I suppose.
People in class have started to notice this guy and I. It's got very similar to the way things were with the guy from Grade 9: asking each of us about what's going on, calling us "lovebirds", pointing him out to me ("doesn't he look strong?" etc), joking about us kissing, that kind of stuff. This guy has told me that another guy "interrogated" him about what was going on (he was joking, but you get the idea), and that he said we were just friends. I found that a bit of a relief, although I don't know if he might still feel something and not want to say. When stuff like this happened before, I just ignored it or joked back which is what I have been doing (I sometimes find it funny really). But I think if it keeps going, I'm going to be a bit more active in shutting it down. I don't mind the occasional joke, but it being a constant thing feels kind of scary (because I don't feel that way for him, and don't want to set any precedent for him or anyone else that I do). As for having a conversation with this guy, I don't know if I'll initiate things, but if a situation arises where it feels natural to talk about how we feel and what would be comfortable for both of us I will.
I was having one of my many moments of questioning/worrying about my sexuality tonight, and decided to jump back on this forum to have a read of some of the previous posts. I got to my initial post and, for whatever reason, decided to read it out loud. I got to the section where I actually said “asexual” out loud. Even though I’ve been questioning for several years, it’s always been in my head, never out loud to anyone or even myself. This was the first time I think I’d ever said the word “asexual” out loud in reference to myself – I was always kind of scared to – and it honestly took me aback a little. Because it felt good, it felt powerful, it felt right. A bit scary, but I think it felt right. So, I tried it out a few more times before saying, literally out loud to myself, “Yeah, I am.”
And I’m still having my anxieties and worries that I mentioned before, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to talk to my friends or family yet about this. But I think I can at least try to start accepting this myself. That this is who I am. And that I’m not going through a phase or just confused, as my anxieties might tell me, that I can’t identify this way because what if it changes and what if I’m wrong somehow? I’m starting to accept that’s not how it works. You don’t choose your sexuality, but you choose how you identify if that makes sense? And if that’s how you feel, and what feels right then it can’t be wrong.
I can’t see myself being physically intimate in that way. I just can’t. I feel uncomfortable with arousal and the thought of having sex and I don’t want it and that’s ok.
And maybe this will change. But, for now, I think I want to try this out. Identifying this way, accepting it. Even just with myself. I’m scared, but I’m going to try and see how I feel.
