AMAA: Boundaries
We're excited to announce this month; two incredible guests will join us for another "Ask Me Almost Anything". Together we will be unpacking the topic of boundaries in relationships.
Personal boundaries are the rules and limits we decide are right for us.
They include things like:
- Saying no to catching up with a friend if you're not feeling up to it
- Sharing your pronouns with your family members
- Telling your partner what level of intimacy you are comfortable with
We all have different boundaries, and so do the people around us. But, of course, it's not always easy to navigate how to set boundaries, how to communicate them or what to do if you've crossed a boundary.
So, that is why we will be talking it out with our two guests:
Rashida is a Registered Psychologist in Sydney; Working in Private Practice and feeling honoured to work with the clients she does. With a special interest working with identity, culture and purpose.
A life-long love affair with wanting to understand people, their lives, experiences and worlds, and how it all intertwines and shows up in the way we behave led her down a path of traveling and living all over the world whilst studying Psychology. Passionate about advocating for destigmatizing mental illness and creating a more holistic approach to mental well-being.
Also a lover of nature, art, music, chai and sleep - all the great things in life
Akhil is a junior doctor and has a long-term relationship with ReachOut Australia as he joined the organisation as a youth ambassador in 2013 and went on to work as a research intern.
Akhil strongly believes in the equity of access to health information and services, and enjoys using data-driven approaches to help reach that goal. He is passionate about the not-for-profit sector, having founded his own mental health service for university students and worked at several other not-for-profit organisations dedicated to health improvement.
He loves playing tennis and doing pottery.
Get your questions in and we will be answering them LIVE on the 21st of July between 7pm - 9pm
Can't wait to see you all there!
This is a hard hitting question and I'm really glad it came through for tonights discussion.
I'm sure we will talk about this more tonight - but I'd like to say that if your boundaries have been crossed and it has caused you distress, think about a safety person that you feel you could open up to.
What if people don't respect your boundaries?
Definitely a tough one and I know that from personal experience 😅 Safety aside, I think it is important to stay firm on your boundaries and keep restating them if you can. Boundaries serve a purpose, so if I let my boundaries relax, then I find myself back at the starting position of needing boundaries again! Or I am left feeling overwhelmed/upset/stressed etc.
It doesn't always go to plan of course but I try to remember that others might unintentionally push your boundaries, so it is up to you to enforce them, if you can't or don't want to compromise.
That's true @Taylor-RO you've got to be your own advocate for your boundaries a lot of the time
I would also add that on some occasions implementing a boundary may result in a significant change or loss of a relationship - this can be really difficult so if boundaries are something you are wanting to work on in multiple areas of your life, it may be important to work alongside someone who can support you whilst you put them in place.
Yes this is so true- It's always good to have a support system in place before making big changes I think @GuestPsychologist1
Thank you for adding this in. There can be real grief in a relationship changing because of a boundary. I know it helps me to remind myself how good it is that I have my own back in those times. Like @WheresMySquishy said it is an act of self care to have boundaries
@Bre-RO Yup! It is a grieving process when things change! I'm still kinda sad that I can't talk to my friend about certain stuff because it was getting too intense for her 😞 It feels like we aren't as close, but at the same time, it's much healthier for both of us and now I try to use professional supports more
It is such an adjustment when a close relationship changes in that way. That sounds really tough @Lost_Space_Explorer5 - I'm glad that we are here and can chat to you about stuff when you're having a hard time
Yes. I know i have personally experienced grief due to changes or loss of relationships after putting in place a boundary. It takes some time to process these feelings.
This is one of the foundations surrounding boundaries or lack of boundaries in the first place. Often we continue without boundaries because of our fears of losing people, abandonment, rejection etc.. and we find ourselves in repeated cycles in multiple relationships or areas of our lives. We feel the instant gratification of not having to go through the grief or discomfort of the difficult conversation or what may come after it, but we continue to feel uneasy about how things are playing out. It is a catch 22. Avoidance plays a role in this.
Remembering that boundary setting is for long-term growth/ fulfillment and joy can be helpful.
Yeah i think this is a great question and would be determined by many factors involved in the type of boundary and who or what it is being set with. I agree with @Akhil-RO suggestions in re-visitng the conversation with the person to ensure they understand your reasons - the difficulty here is that they may not understand, but that doesn't mean you should not put the boundary in place anyway.
There are certain boundaries you are allowed to put in place regardless of if the person on the other end gets it.
Listening to their perspective may help you understand their reaction and if it is hard to come to a middle ground or compromise, it is important to speak with others for support around it.
Good tips @Akhil-RO & @GuestPsychologist1
It's really helpful chatting with others if you find yourself in a difficult position when setting boundaries. It can be the validation you need to hold your limits firm!
Great question and I don't think there is a simple answer for this. If you feel like your boundaries aren't being respected, it is important to:
- Try and talk to the person about your boundaries and why they are important to you
- Listen and hear their perspective
- Talk to anyone else you need to for support
If the problem continues and is causing you distress, it's important that you think about potentially getting some more professional help
Those are some great strategies @Akhil-RO @GuestPsychologist1! 🙂
Thank you to whoever sent through this question. It's important to talk about and something we all encounter in life.
What happens if you don't set up boundaries?
Ofcourse in the instance of physical boundaries or boundaries enacted due to feeling unsafe or threatened, the outcome of not having a boundary could be more serious. Your safety and well-being always comes first.
The impacts can be small, or bigger. Sometimes not having boundaries can mean minor misunderstandings or problems. But over time, without clear boundaries, we can run into situations where it can impact our wellbeing. And that is a really important time to take a step back and have a think more about boundaries 🙂
That being said, if things do get bad with others because boundaries weren't set up, it doesn't make it that person's fault! (not that you were saying this @Akhil-RO, I think it's important to highlight this!). And sometimes even with the right boundaries, things can go south 😞
completely agree with you! It's a sad and unfortunate reality, but sometimes does happen
Stepping back to think more about boundaries is great advice. It goes back to what we were saying before about boundaries changing. It's a good practice to revisit boundaries and adjust them when you need to 🙂
Super important question. The thing that comes to mind straight away for me is that without boundaries, it is common for the feeling of resentment to grow. Resentment is uncomfortable to feel and can cause potential irreparable ruptures in certain relationships. Depending on the type of boundary you may be putting in place, it can often save a relationship from breaking down completely - which is the aim!
This is so true @GuestPsychologist1 definitely was having problems with resentment with my friend and she was resenting me to because of boundaries not being set up. Things still feel a bit off but thankfully they're better after setting up boundaries 🙂
It is a pretty yucky feeling, hey? I have been there myself and it can really suck. I hope things get better for you soon 
I love your point about how boundaries can help save a relationship @GuestPsychologist1!
