originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:23 PM

 

This is such a relatable question and I think the response is on point. 

 

I've never been in a relationship but I think I'm bi. But then I get confused and don't know what to identify as. I don't feel like I belong to any community because I don't feel like I'm straight or gay. Do you have any advice about questioning your sexuality?

 

 

Offt this hit me! I am bi, but struggled for SO long trying to figure it out for many reasons. Tbh I still question my sexuality and my gender sometimes and that’s ok. 

 

The thing about being bi is that it IS super confusing because we live in a world that loves binaries and says you are either gay OR straight, male OR female. When you have a moment where you feel ‘gay’ and then another where you feel ‘straight’ it can get really confusing because you are trying to work out an impossible puzzle. When you are being forced to choose between things that can co-exist it gets very loud in your head. And if you have questions about your gender it gets even more muddy.

 

 There is a cool definition of bisexuality that helps me by a bi woman named Robyn Occhs who says “I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.” 

 

This definition is cool because it includes any attraction, any of the time, to people of more than one gender, and that it can change! You don’t need to have had relationships to know if you are bi - it’s about how you choose to identify. Experiences can help some people work that out but at the end of the day I would listen to yourself and let that guide you. And know that you can change your mind at any time, and you don’t have to arrive at the ‘answer’. Some people will pressure you to identify or you might feel pressure so you can access a community but you can always change your mind and that’s totally valid. 

 

A place of real comfort came for me when I found the term 'queer' - this means anything that's not straight or cisgender. You could be any label in the LGBTQIA+ aconym (gay, bi, pan, lesbian, trans, non-binary) and be queer. Finding this term meant I felt comfortable accessing the 'queer community' rather than the 'lesbian community' or the 'bi community' before I was sure where I fit, it gave me space to figure it out on my own and meant I didn’t have to answer annoying/intrusive questions from people who were pressuring me to figure it out. I still use it now for the same reasons.

 

There are heaps of online resources that might be helpful - ReachOut has some great resources on being bi, Minus 18 have good explainers, and there are lots of great Insta and Tiktok accounts where you can find supportive community. 

 

Good luck! X

 

- Hilary, Research Team 

 

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:35 PM

 

Such an insightful response to this question! 

 

What are some issues affecting your community or people with a similar identity?

 

I think one of the huge issues affecting our community is that despite how much discrimination and oppression we may have faced as a group, we can still be perpetrators of oppression and we need to take responsibility for this. Sometimes I am truly astounded at how exclusive the LGBTQIA+ community can be in terms of racism, sexism, transphobia, biphobia, ableism, fatphobia - the list goes ON! And it’s just like .. wow how can we be so outspoken about our right to be who we are and so freely put others down for being themselves? It’s like we’ve fought so hard to have a community where we feel safe that we shut out other people who have just as much a right to be here.

 

I’m really upset by the blatant racism some of my friends who are queer people of colour experience on dating apps. I’m also really upset when certain queer spaces or feminist spaces have absolutely no understanding of gender diversity. I think that it’s everyone's responsibility to educate themselves about intersectionality and that being LGBTQIA+ impacts us all differently. I hope we’re able to do better to create a more inclusive community for everybody. 

 

- @Hannah-RO, Community Team 

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:41 PM

 

This can be a tricky one to figure out when dating! It can be hard to work out, so I think this is a great question many of us can learn something from. 

 

How do you know if someone you like might like you back?

 

This is a question I have asked myself a lot. If you are sexually and/or gender diverse it can be challenging to find out if someone likes you back. Here are some things that have helped me in the past.

• If they have made it clear that they are attracted to people who identify the same way as you. If you don’t know how they identify, don’t be afraid to ask, they will be honest if they are comfortable with you.
•  If they seek out time to hang out with you one on one/prioritise catching up with you. Additionally, if they go out of their way to do something nice for you, for example, taking the time to help you out with something difficult, making you art or cooking something for you. 
• If they want to show you something that gives them joy. For example, they want to take you to a place they like to visit or want you to try an activity they enjoy.
• Depending on the person, they may initiate small signs of physical affection, e.g. hugging, intertwine arms/holding hands when walking etc. 
• They enjoy hearing about you and what you’re passionate about. 

Most of these things are not unique to someone being interested in you romantically/sexually, however identifying these things may help you feel more confident to ask someone if they like you. I know that sounds scary but here are some tips to help: 

• When asking someone if they like you, it helps if you are in a comfortable environment where you can have a conversation just one on one (e.g. a picnic in a park, or sitting in a car). 
• You can also ask them by messaging them but beware that when talking about something like this, tone is quite important and can sometimes be misinterpreted online. 
• Before you ask them, think about how you would respond if they said yes/no. If they say they are interested in you, are you comfortable letting them know you like them too?

I encourage you to be vulnerable and honest, both with yourself and them.

 

- Sophia, Research Team 

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:45 PM

This is so helpful, haha. I feel for myself, and I know that a lot of other people feel the same way, that once you discover you are LGBT+ it's like living through puberty/ teenage years all over again. Recently I've been through the pain of liking someone for a few months, and debating whether she liked me back... turns out she has a partner but is still a great friend (I think I'd prefer friends at this point in my life, anyway)! It's best to just ask, as painful as it is hahah.

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:55 PM

Super brave of you to ask @Hozzles my hat goes off to you 

 

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:55 PM

Loving all these gifs @Bre-RO! 🙂

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:57 PM

Me too @WheresMySquishy! Finding the right gifs is such an art 😄

@Hozzles everything is so awkward in life why is that

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:58 PM

life is so awkward hahaha @Lost_Space_Explorer5 and you are so right. It is an art form..sometimes I spend waaaay too much time trying to find one that feels right. 

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:57 PM

Hahahah ahh the awkwardness of figuring these things out indeed @Hozzles lucky it's funny to look back on when you get enough distance from the experience. 

 

Why thank you @WheresMySquishy it's always so fun picking the gifs for these chats 

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:52 PM

omg that is totally something I would do @Hozzles It's the not knowing and not being able to ask. I'm sort of in a similar situation of not knowing if I like this person or if she likes me back and I've just given up because I don't think I would be ready for that at the moment anyway 😐

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:55 PM

@Lost_Space_Explorer5 hahah I had a similar feeling with my ex. I had no idea if I really liked her (I'd never had a relationship before), or if I wanted a relationship. Initially she rejected me and I felt kind of relieved because I didn't have to do anything new . Ah, it's such an awkward part of life! 

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:43 PM

omg thank you I needed this list of hints on how you might know I feel like I'm blind to this stuff

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:44 PM

@Lost_Space_Explorer5 Me too. I'm oblivious 

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:39 PM

@Bre-RO  YES. There is so much biphobia and transphobia, sadly. It can make it hard for people to feel a sense of belonging.

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:37 PM

Yes, so important to address the problems within the community. Being LGBT+ doesn't automatically make you a good person lol, I still see so much discrimination/ exclusion from within. 

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:40 PM

Hahaha @Lost_Space_Explorer5 I think on that note the next question will fit into this conversation really well. 

 

@Hozzles and yep you totally nailed it. Just because you are part of a minority does not mean that there is no room to grow and think of other groups in society. As @WheresMySquishy has said.. there is still work to do within the community and we shouldn't forget that. 

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:32 PM

Oop I wonder who asked this question 😛

Omg that quote helps so much and thanks for your answer! Queer seems like a good description when you can't find a label!

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:32 PM

@Lost_Space_Explorer5 I looooved that quote as well. 

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:28 PM

@Bre-RO  I really like what Hilary said about still questioning herself and that being okay.
I've faced a lot of stigma throughout my life, and sometimes I find myself wondering if my experiences are valid even if I've always maintained the same story.

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:27 PM

There's also asexual, which is no sexual attraction to any gender. I used to think I was ace for a while. It's completely valid + I love seeing the community becoming more visible!



But yes, it's so hard to know things you haven't experienced hahah. It makes me wonder how on Earth most people have it figured out so easily. Like, people have crushes in primary school. How do they know?!?! 

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:31 PM

Thank you for posting about the ace community and the flag. I love seeing more and more being able to share their experiences and it's so important for our community to create space for that! @Hozzles 

 

@WheresMySquishy I really like that Hilary said that as well. It's a natural thing that I'm sure we all do at some stage. It's nice to know that we have permission to have those thoughts and that it doesn't mean our experiences aren't valid. 

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:30 PM

I love seeing the asexual community become more visible too @Hozzles!
I really liked reading the kinds of experiences they had. That helped me be more sure of my sexuality.

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:20 PM

Yes. a feel like a lot of accessible LGBT+ stories are eurocentric. From what I can see, for LGBT+ POC there can be even more discrimination + pressure from the individual's cultural community. Lovely words! 

originally posted on 23-03-2021 8:26 PM

Woah that was such an important issue and those are such strong words There would be so much added pressure.. I totally agree with what you said about compromises