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Ask A Pro Live: Opening Up To Parents

 

Opening up to parents/guardians/carers about mental health can be a really tricky beast. When we want to tell the people that care for us what's going on, it can be so difficult managing reactions and expectations. Preparing for these conversations with parents/guardians/carers can sometimes help to make things go more smoothly, but what is the best way to do this? And how can we get ready for conversation number two?!  What do you find hardest about having those conversations with your parents? 

 

This month our Ask A Pro Live event is with the ever-delightful @Janine-RO ! As Janine is a parent herself and a moderator in the ReachOut Parents Forum (as well as here with the cool kids), we are thrilled to have her share her wisdom with us about how to speak to parents about mental health and our experiences. A bit more about Janine here:

 

Janine has been with ReachOut for about 8 months now. She's super  passionate about mental health and has worked in disability research, community services and mental health amongst other things!  She has 2 kids, an 11 year old girl and 3 year old boy,  and raised her daughter as a sole parent for the first 4 years of her life. She probably stuffs up regularly as a parent but hopefully keeps learning every day. 

 

We're going to be focusing on how we can talk to our parents/guardians/carers about what we're going through, making the most of these conversations and looking after ourselves if things don't go as planned.

 

If you've got a question for Janine be sure to ask it in the google form below!

 

Looking forward to chatting with you all LIVE on August 20th 7pm - 9pm AEDT

 

 

Hannah-RO
Hannah-ROPosted 11-08-2020 04:15 PM
 
 
 
 
 
Hannah-RO
Hannah-ROPosted 20-08-2020 07:16 PM

You're totally right @Lost_Space_Explorer5 ! I used to go to the zoo with my younger cousin all the time and i'm still like "um... wanna go to the zoo?!" And she's like "uhh.... i'm 17 now..."

But come on who doesn't love the zoo?! 

 
 
 
 
 
Janine-RO
Janine-ROPosted 20-08-2020 07:15 PM

Thanks Hannah - I think this is SUCH an important question. 

 

First, I just want to acknowledge that every family, and every family dynamic , is different, and there’s no one size fits all kind of advice for all of this stuff. But there are a few things that might help to  make those  conversations go more smoothly.

 

  • Firstly, it can be a really good idea to think about exactly what you want to say before you have the conversation- and even make some notes. Or if you really don’t think the conversation will go well and you want to make sure you get across everything you want to say, you could try writing a letter or an email.
  • They may not always understand exactly what depression or anxiety is – so one good idea can be to focus on the specific impact it’s been having on you, e.g. I’ve been feeling so anxious I can’t focus on my school work, or I’m feeling really depressed and I’m finding it really hard to get out of bed in the mornings. You may need to be a little bit assertive if you feel like they’re minimising what you’re saying – and focus on the fact that you don’t want to feel this way, and think you need some help
  • . It can also help to share information for them to check out about mental health – ReachOut Parents has some great information that’s really clear and easy to understand and it’s designed for parents, to help them understand what their kids might be going through.  We also have a Parents forum that they can check out if they’re interested in hearing from other parents – that can help a lot in helping them to work through their initial reactions.
  • If you think it will help you, practice  what you’re going to say with a friend or counsellor – I know when I have had to have really difficult conversations with my parents in the past, rehearsing it a bit helped a lot.
  • Pick a good time that works for your family!! Let them know in advance that you’d like to have a chat to them about something, and choose a time when people are likely to be able to give it their full attention.  I know that in my family it’s sometimes easier to talk about stuff when we’re doing something like having a walk, or cooking together – or maybe your family likes to chill out together on a Sunday night. Whatever works for you.
 
 
 
 
 
Hozzles
HozzlesPosted 20-08-2020 07:28 PM

Hey, I made it! Be right back, just catching up. Smiley Tongue

 
 
 
 
 
Hannah-RO
Hannah-ROPosted 20-08-2020 07:29 PM

Hello @Hozzles ! Delighted you could join us on this fine evening Smiley Very Happy

 
 
 
 
 
Janine-RO
Janine-ROPosted 20-08-2020 07:32 PM

Hey @Hozzles ! Great to see you, really glad you could join us tonight! 

 
 
 
 
 
Lost_Space_Explorer5
Lost_Space_Explorer5Posted 20-08-2020 07:35 PM
Oh that is interesting, I've often wondered why my parents have reacted defensively and I ended up having to comfort them that they were okay parents. It's just confusing, cause a lot of the time you're just asking for help, you're not trying to blame anyone
 
 
 
 
 
Hannah-RO
Hannah-ROPosted 20-08-2020 08:02 PM

That is so cool you and your daughter write letters to each other @Janine-RO ! A lost art, some may say!

 

Let's get onto NEW Q about managing our reactions and feels.

 

How do I stop losing my temper with my parents and doing things which i'd later regret?

(this is one solution for temper control)

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
Hannah-RO
Hannah-ROPosted 20-08-2020 08:13 PM

I am loving this chat tonight, thanks everyone for being involved! So many amazing insights, stories and experiences being shared.

 

This question is a bit heavier so I just want to pop in a note about support here - 

If at all you find this conversation distressing or you feel like you need to talk to someone then it's time to get some help! You can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 or use their webchat and email services found on their respective sites. The links can be found here. If you are new here then welcome! Have a quick peek at our community guidelines you can find them here!

 

 

How do I express the impact they have on my mental health without hurting, making them feel like they failed with me, like my mum already thinks she did with my sister because she is getting help for self-harm and depression? Thanks

 

 
 
 
 
 
Hannah-RO
Hannah-ROPosted 20-08-2020 08:28 PM

Picking your moments and getting support are some great strategies for tough convos, Thanks @Janine-RO Smiley Happy

 

I think this NEW Q   is such an important one in looking after ourselves.

How do you manage guilt at making people worry? How can we avoid/manage feelings of shame?

 
 
 
 
 
Hannah-RO
Hannah-ROPosted 20-08-2020 08:40 PM

Thats great to hear that getting your fam in to meet your psych turned out to be a positive experience @Lost_Space_Explorer5, and @Hozzles you're so right about compassion fatigue, it's something so tricky to navigate indeed!

 

This is a super interesting NEW Q  that I am so KEEN to hear everyones thoughts on...

 

Whose decision do you think it should be how involved a parent is in their childs mental health, or how aware they are, and are there any factors that influence this?

 

 
 
 
 
 
Hannah-RO
Hannah-ROPosted 20-08-2020 08:51 PM

Thank you for that very comprehensive answer @Janine-RO that info is absolutely vital Heart

We have talked tonight about how sometimes parents/guardians/carers don't always show support in the best way...

 

 

Which leads us to our NEXT Q

Why does my parent blame me all the time?

 
 
 
 
 
Hannah-RO
Hannah-ROPosted 20-08-2020 08:59 PM

I don't know about yáll but I am learning a lot about parenting tonight!

 

 

 

Keen to get your thoughts on this @Janine-RO and everyone participating...

 

What can you do if your parents behaviour has a negative impact on your mental health?

 
 
 
 
 
Hannah-RO
Hannah-ROPosted 20-08-2020 09:08 PM

I love that Reddit thread so much @Janine-RO Cat LOL and I think what you're saying about specific framing makes so much sense.

 

This one is our last of the night friends! I think it's quite a lovely one to end on Heart

 

 

 

How do you handle discussions about mental health with your kids?

 
 
 
 
 
Janine-RO
Janine-ROPosted 20-08-2020 09:14 PM

Thanks @Hannah-RO ! Love this question! 

 

We try and have really open and honest chats about mental health with my 11 year old – the 3 year old isn’t quite there yet! I’m really passionate about trying to normalise that stuff as much as possible. My daughter knows that both myself and her stepdad have experienced anxiety and depression in the past and we talk about the things that helped us through that.  My  11 year old has also had some issues with anxiety herself – we talk about ways to manage big feelings, and we also did a program called Cool Kids which was really great- to be honest she wasn’t keen to do it at first, and it lead to a conversation about how anxiety had affected me, especially when I was in my teens.  We try and show her that we are still learning about ourselves , and can always get more skills to add to our mental health toolkits.

 

One thing I’ve had to learn as a parent is to respect her need for space and privacy – and I know that as she gets older she won’t always want to tell us everything! Another thing we’ve tried is writing each other letters in a book – if there’s ever anything that she doesn’t want to talk to me about face to face we have a book that she can write letters to me in, she leaves it next to my bed and I write back to her. The deal is we never have to talk about anything she’s written about in the book face to face if she doesn’t want to.  

Honestly, like all things parenting,  I’m sure I will continue to make many mistakes along the way, but one thing I really hope we can do is make sure our kids always feel safe in having those conversations, and really normalise conversations about mental health.And as cheesy as it sounds, I hope they know that we love them ridiculously and unconditionally and will always be in their corner. 

 
 
 
 
 
WheresMySquishy
WheresMySquishyPosted 20-08-2020 09:18 PM

That's really cool @Janine-RO! I'm glad you found the Cool Kids program helpful, I personally know one of the people who were instrumental in developing it. Some places only give you part of the program rather than the full program, which this person was really against. So you kind of have to look around for places that offer the full program rather than a short number of sessions.

 
 
 
 
 
Janine-RO
Janine-ROPosted 20-08-2020 09:22 PM

It's a great program @WheresMySquishy ! We were lucky enough to take part in a research study as a part of it at the uni where it was developed, I know some people who've trained there as well. There really wasn't much like that around at all when I was younger (as far as I know!) and it makes my heart happy to think about the difference that this program will make in the lives of so many kids. I definitely wish I'd had some of those skills when I was younger!

 
 
 
 
 
Hannah-RO
Hannah-ROPosted 20-08-2020 09:16 PM

I really love that idea of writing letters @Janine-RO and being open with your kids about what you've experienced must be such a powerful thing for them to learn about you - I think its such an amazing lesson when you figure out that your parents are actually humans just like you!

And gosh I get such a big heart feel when I hear about parents being in their childrens corners 

 
 
 
 
 
Janine-RO
Janine-ROPosted 20-08-2020 09:02 PM

What can you do if your parents' behaviour has a negative impact on your mental health? 

How do you tell your parents that you don't like them making fun of something you like (or just in general upsetting behaviors that make someone feel uncomfortable, or teasing about something that you hate them teasing you about), without them getting offended but in a way that actually makes them stop?

 

Yep ,this is a really tough one  . Depending on how old you are, part of this can be about setting boundaries, and letting them know how certain things are affecting you. Sometimes getting it out on paper and writing them a letter about what’s affecting you can be really therapeutic, even if you don’t end up sending the letter.  Maybe you need to set aside alone time, and time for self-care, or remove yourself from high conflict situations. Focus on what you can control, and what helps you to keep your mental health on an even keel.

 

If your parents are making fun of you, or upsetting you, I think it is totally ok to set boundaries with your parents about stuff like this – but I definitely hear you with not wanting to offend someone, or have them ending up getting really defensive. I’ll be honest and say I’ve been guilty of this myself as a parent, and I’m actually really grateful my daughter called me out on it – but in the moment, I also probably got a bit defensive, because I hadn’t intended to hurt her feelings.  Then I realised it didn’t actually  matter- because I HAD. In the tradition of the great reddit, AITA (one of my favourite trashy reads sometimes!), I was the arsehole. 

 

I do like the approach of trying to frame things pretty specifically if you can, and try and let them know how their behaviour makes you feel. So, “when you’re looking at your phone when I’m talking to you, it makes me feel like you don’t care about what I’m saying”, or “I know that you’re not trying to hurt my feelings, but when you tease me it makes me feel really sad”.  Again, I reckon that learning how to communicate assertively is such an important life skill!!

 
 
 
 
 
Hozzles
HozzlesPosted 20-08-2020 09:11 PM

@Janine-RO hahahah AITA Smiley LOL I really appreciate you sharing some times you may have done/ said something wrong, it's so refreshing hearing it from the other side and seeing the thought you've put into parenting! Smiley Tongue

That's the worst thing I feel, when you get upset and someone says 'I didn't mean it like that, it was just a joke', etc. The point is the person was upset! It's also hard when all you want is an apology and the person is so stubborn... but at the same time I think actually saying 'sorry' can be hard, so people might try to apologize in different ways. This is just my theory, but I kinda feel like this is common for parents to do as it sounds like a struggle to see your child as an autonomous person separate from you! 

 
 
 
 
 
Janine-RO
Janine-ROPosted 20-08-2020 09:18 PM

I totally agree @Hozzles , those "not really an apology" apologies are the absolute WORST! It's right up there with "I'm sorry if you got offended" type of thing - but you're so right, I do think sometimes parents forget that their child is in fact an autonomous human. And I'm glad you appreciate the sharing of screw ups! They happen more than I'd like sometimes, but hopefully I can keep on learning. 

 
 
 
 
 
Janine-RO
Janine-ROPosted 20-08-2020 09:06 PM

@Hozzles  @WheresMySquishy  it's so hard hey, and I think it can be really hard for parents sometimes to realise that they have to 'let go' as their kids become adults. 

 
 
 
 
 
Janine-RO
Janine-ROPosted 20-08-2020 09:08 PM

@WheresMySquishy  it is gold hey!! 

 
 
 
 
 
WheresMySquishy
WheresMySquishyPosted 20-08-2020 09:05 PM

Hahaha I love that subreddit @Janine-RO! Smiley LOL

 
 
 
 
 
Janine-RO
Janine-ROPosted 20-08-2020 08:55 PM

It is such a shitty feeling when your parents seem to be blaming you for everything, and I think it’s something that can happen for a whole lot of reasons 😞

 

Sometimes it may be because of things that are going on in their own life – they may be struggling to cope, stressed out, or exhausted, and sometimes it can be easy to jump down someone else’s throat in those circumstances. Sometimes it can be miscommunication – I know that I have definitely stuffed up sometimes as a parent and thought that I’ve been clear about something when I haven’t, and then ended up blaming my older kid for things I assumed that she should already know! It can sometimes be helpful to look at what issues are causing these problems – so, is it around household jobs/ keeping things clean? In my family we found it helped a lot to write down lists of house rules/ chores so that everyone’s on the same page and stuff doesn’t get forgotten.

If it’s about bigger things, I’d say the first step would be talking about how what they are saying makes you feel, and focusing on what’s in your control, vs what’s not. If you feel like you’re being blamed for things that are out of your control, it’s totally ok to say that! 

 

 
 
 
 
 
Hannah-RO
Hannah-ROPosted 20-08-2020 09:22 PM

Thank you so much to everyone who has participated in this chat tonight! @WheresMySquishy @Hozzles @Lost_Space_Explorer5 Heart

 

And a MASSIVE Thank you to @Janine-RO for being our very PRO Pro for tonight! I have really enjoyed this and learned so much, you've shared so much incredible knowledge and wisdom.

It's really been a privilege and a honor to learn from everyone tonight Cat Happy

 

Just a reminder that if this chat brings up anything distressing for you that there is support that you can get right now - 

You can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 or use their webchat and email services found on their respective sites. The links can be found here.

 

Good night everyone and thanks for a really informative discussion on big feels and those that care for us Heart

 

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