Boundaries
Heyo,
so I kind of took a mental health day from life today and even though I had wanted to call my girlfriend in the morning and we had agreed to later in the day, by the time it got to around when she was available, I was in the living room watching movies and laughing at stuff we found on the internet. This is a fairly rare thing to happen for me so I didnt want to leave but by the time the movie was done it was too late to call. I dont feel guilty about it and my gf didnt mind at all but it really had me considering the fact that if the roles were reversed, depending on the circumstances, I might not be so understanding. Like I feel like I too often take it too personally or see it as a reflection on me because of the way people have treated me in the past.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel really guilty about the way I act sometimes and want to know if there are any possible strategies to help with coping with how I feel whilst still being respectful, and also how to stop the negative thinking patterns and taking things too personally.
Comments
Hi @Rattata
I think it's really awesome that this experience allowed you to self-reflect on how you may have some unhealthy or negative thinking patterns towards taking things too personally. I also think you have done a great job of self-reflecting on why you might feel that way. Sometimes these feelings come from a place of anxiety or rejection that go towards your self-esteem. Can I ask what kind of feelings or thoughts come up when things like this happen?
I wonder if it would help to remember that your girlfriend isn't the same as the people in your past that hurt you. It sounds like you have a really healthy and trusting relationship with her. Do you feel like there's anything in your relationship that could lead to these feelings or could be communicated, like your feelings of discomfort?
It depends on the reason for these sorts of feelings, sometimes I feel depressed and rejected and uncared for, sometimes I feel really uncomfortable and upset and sometimes it makes me really anxious and I have panic attacks.
I try to be trusting. She is a very secretive person and isn't at all open with me. I've known her for 8 years and so I've gradually had her open up a little but she's still incredibly guarded and its really hard to trust her. There have been some particular instances that have made me really not trust her at all though because there have been things that I've found out because I found out about them myself and not because she told me. I tried talking to her about how I don't appreciate that and I feel like she's hiding stuff from me, she tried to tell me that her way of telling me things is having me find them out myself. It just kind of makes me feel really disrespected but at the same time there's not much I can do about it.
@Rattata I completely agree with @StormySeas17 that I think it's really helpful that you took the time to reflect on the situation - the ability to take a step back and look at what we do is the biggest step towards gaining insight into things.
Reationships aren't easy, especially when people are quite different - but it sounds like you both really care about each other and you're committed to working on things.
Do you feel like you can talk to each other about how you both feel and the reasons for feeling the way you do (i.e. you feeling uncared for, or her feeling guarded)?
@Philippa-RO She usually avoids talking to me about stuff because she doesnt think it's necessary. It's been really hard this lockdown because when she's actively avoiding talking to me about this stuff, she ends up not talking to me for really long periods of time anyway.
@Rattata I'm so sorry to hear that, that must be really hard when she shuts down and doesn't talk to you. 💛
Hi @Rattata sorry for the long wait! I didn't know that you still struggle with secrets in her relationship. It's interesting that even after 8 years you struggle for her to open up with her feelings. Do you know why this may be the case? Is she maybe non-confrontational or has bad experiences of opening up from the past? How is your relationship otherwise?
@StormySeas17 I dont know, she's just a very reserved and non-confrontational person, but so am I. Just the way she was raised I guess, she mentioned it being a cultural thing at one point. Our relationship is good otherwise, I wish we had more freedom even outside of lockdown because she's still very deep in the closet so I barely see her anyway and after 6 years of going to school together, it's really hard.
Hey @Rattata that makes sense. It's difficult when it's a cultural thing but also part of her identity. And that must be hard when she's in the closet and so you can't be too open about your relationship. What do you think works for you two to help grow your relationship usually? And how are you going with feeling sensitive to her not being as open as you?
@StormySeas17 Yeah that makes sense. Spending time together is usually when we are at our best. Though unfortunately since we graduated right after we got together we dont really see eachother that often even. Spending time face to face with her is really important to me and it makes it easier to understand that she's not as open because of the physical reassurance and support that's available. I already really struggle when I only get to see her once a week or less but covid has really made it hard, particularly through this lockdown.
This adjustment period from high school to university and adulthood has really made me realise how much her important her presence was to me when we were at school and how much more I was able to get the support I needed. Now that everything is different, I don't really know how to get the same support with her so far away and me on my own.
@Rattata it sounds like at the moment some of your anxiety is coming from lockdown and not being able to see each other in general, and then your gf's personality of being more closed-off might be adding to that stress just because it's so hard to keep in contact meaningfully? I get what you mean with how hard it is to make a relationship work over lockdown. My partner and I are also only seeing each other once a week and it makes it difficult because there's almost a pressure to 'make it count', and then we end up withdrawing for the rest of the week, plus it's so hard to get any privacy. You mentioned below that video chatting sometimes makes you feel worse, honestly I feel the same sometimes. Are there any other activities that you do together that makes you feel good about the relationship in lockdown or outside of lockdown?
You also mentioned that her support was really important to you in high school and that you felt more supported overall. Are you still struggling to find support? What kind of support do you think would help from her or elsewhere?
Hello @Rattata , sounds like this has been something that you have discussed before with your partner, is that right? Sorry to hear it's been hard for you during lockdown as you haven't been able to see her. How have you been able to stay in touch with her so far?
@Sophia-RO yeah we've discussed stuff like this before. I stay in touch with her but the longer it goes on the harder it's been getting to keep myself going without her usual support. Particularly sometimes when we are video chatting and I get very anxious or stressed about stuff and sometime she starts to not feel real and then that's a feeling I can't shake for a few days.
Aw @Rattata It's a big adjustment to transition from high school to adulthood in itself. Let alone the restrictions/difficulty that comes with lockdowns. It doesn't take it away but you're not alone. I know a lot of people who are struggling with similar things in their relationships. I also totally get what you mean with video calls!! sometimes I prefer not to do them.
Sounds like you were feeling lots last night, hope you've woken up feeling a little better this morning.
