Inpatient Psychiatric Care
Hello all! It’s been a while since I’ve logged on and checked in with you all, I hope you’re doing well and taking care of yourselves.
I’ve decided to start a thread for updates on my time in inpatient care. As per the guidelines, I of course won’t be discussing/mentioning:
- Medication names or specifics
- Mentions of therapy discussions, just general topics and overviews
- The details of my program or stay
- Where I am/the hospital I’m staying in
- Other people, staff or patients in specifics — this thread will only focus on me, my time here and my feelings
(If you’re a mod and have anything else you’d like me to keep in mind, please let me know! I really want to adhere to our guidelines, protect myself and others 🙂 ) I will try and keep my posts void of triggers, but if I do need to mention something like that, I will hide it under a ‘spoiler’ and start the post off with a bolded “TW!”
🌟Days 1 & 2 ⭐
I arrived at the hospital yesterday around noon and got checked in within an hour or so. Because there weren’t any beds in my program’s ward, I was staying in a different ward for the first night, but it was really lovely. I had a double room with another patient also in my program, it had a sliding door to the outdoor area and lots of storage for my things. The rest of the day was spent getting used to the hospital as this is my first time here, as well as going through a lot of paperwork and check ins. I spoke with a nurse and my psychiatrist separately about what I’m looking to get out of my stay and how I can best get the skills I need in the appropriate therapies and groups. My psychiatrist also decided to take me off my medication and put me on a new one, so today (day 2) I’m currently feeling some heavy fatigue and nausea due to being tapered off. Tomorrow I start my new medication, which I’m hopeful for, even though it’ll be my 5th antidepressant (lol).
Today (day 2) I got to start my therapies, I did a range of things and spent the day busy. Some sessions were harder than others, but I got some good perspective on some of the issues I’m facing with my emotions. Listening to other people who are also around my age(ish) and feeling similarly has been quite comfortable, it makes me feel less like I’m irrational and that my emotions/experiences aren’t normal. Im looking forward to tomorrow, but I suspect that starting my new medication will cause a lot of nausea, dizziness and fatigue.
I will update the thread later this week! 😊
Comments
💛 Days 3, 4 & 5 💛 (TW)
My time in the ward is quite scheduled, but there is some flexibility. On Wednesday, I got to do my first DBT session, which was awesome and I learned about some new skills on how to 'check the facts', and calm my mind and thoughts from catastrophising. I think this will be really helpful for my panic attacks.
On Thursday, day 4 I started coming off my old medication and start taking a new anti-depressant. My psychiatrist mentioned that I would benefit a lot more from my medications with the therapy, so we are hoping this one will be the right mix for both my anxiety and major depression.
I also got the opportunity to try out Tai-Chi this week, which was really enjoyable and although it was only my first session, I felt it bring some real peace.
Friday was a tough day, I was very fatigued and out of it, ended up sleeping through one of my therapies which I am still beating myself up a bit for.
(Triggering content under spoiler below: suicide, suicidal ideation)
⚡Days 6, 7 & 8⚡
Days 6 & 7 were the weekend where nothing much happens at the ward in terms of therapies and programs. This is because many people get leave and go see their families. Over the weekend I spent time reading, watching some TV and working on a uni assignment.
Day 8 was a bit of a roller coaster, I woke up quite happy snd optimistic about the day. During the morning I spent time exercising with some of the gym equipment here, stretching and walking (as I’m typing this now, I can feel the soreness in my muscles haha). Afterwards I was feeling really great. During the group DBT therapy, I was filled with a lot of nervous/anxious energy; my hands and body were trembling and I felt nauseous. I don’t know if this is a side effect of my new medication (recently increased to a higher dosage over the weekend) or if there was something else going on. The therapy was good, overall and I felt happy about it afterwards. Later in the day however I had a chat with one of the psychologists about discharge, and although we set up a really solid plan and way to move forward, it made me feel quite overwhelmed and anxious.
The afternoon was quite difficult, some of the other patients were making some loud noises; yelling, screaming, shouting. I felt really sensitive to those noises and had a panic attack in my room. I wanted so badly to try the “opposite action” skill I’d been taught during my DBT therapy sessions and instead of secluding myself and hiding, go and talk to the staff about my panic. But unfortunately I couldn’t seem to do it, I left my room a couple times to go get water and with the intention to talk to someone, but I came back quickly after.
I am not beating myself up about it though, it was really tough and I know it might take some time before I have the confidence to use some of the more challenging skills. Fingers crossed day 9 will be a bit easier :”)
🌻 days 9 & 10 🌻 TW!
Days 9 and 10 were very rough for me so I’m going to put this entry under a spoiler. I am safe, I’m in a psychiatric ward with no way of hurting myself and I am under supervision. I also have no plan, this post is just a rant about my feelings these last two days
Trigger warning for suicidal ideation, panic attack and thoughts of hopelessness!!!
I know some people can relate to this but I’ve been on 5 different antidepressants and mood stabilisers, I take antipsychotics to sleep. I’ve been in therapy since I was 8 years old, over half my life. I’m plagued with the fear that I’ll never get better, or that the only way out of this is to kill myself
It’s hard not to feel like i am in this alone when the only one you can talk to about these ideas and fears safely is your psych or other people with mental illnesses. I know my friends and family love and support me but I feel so alone and hopeless. I’m paranoid that I am developing/will develop schizophrenia or bipolar because it runs in my family on both sides. I’m so scared that there is something so so terribly wrong with me and that there is no solution. I do not want to do; I love my family, friends, the people I work with, my studies, books, games, music. I have so much to live for and this makes me feel even more terrible because I feel insane for wanting to die. I am just so exhausted trying to be happy and calm, struggling with my mental health and constant anxiety.
After the group therapy session, I went out and spoke with a psychologist for a while one-on-one. We talked about further therapies for when I leave inpatient and how that’ll help me. I was so exhausted afterwards that I slept for the rest of the day.
On day 10 I also slept a lot of the day, I went to the group therapy but couldn’t get myself out of bed to go to art class or any other activity today. I feel so so hopeless. I’m realising that I’m only happy when I’m distracted, otherwise I am feeling panicked, depressed or numb.
🌟 day 11 (final day) 🌟
this will be my final post/update to this thread in terms of logging/journaling my experience here. I’m so sorry that I haven’t been replying to comments in this thread, access to my tech has been limited so I usually just pop on to write my update and the hop off. But I have been reading them when I get the chance to! Thank you so much for all the kind words and love💖 I hope that this thread will help future users on the forum get some insight and perspective on inpatient psychiatric care as it seems not to be a topic discussed much online.
Today I made the decision to discharge from inpatient care and start the intensive outpatient care program/process. I will be discharging early tomorrow so this will be my final full-day post. I feel that I have gotten the perspective and skills I need to keep me safe and stable on my own and that I’m okay to return to my flat. I won’t go into much detail, but as someone who has a lot of trauma surrounding raised voices, violence and yelling, in my 10 days here there hasn’t been a day where there wasn’t an outburst of violent energy or anger from another patient in my ward. I completely understand that this is normal for a youth ward, but for me this isn’t the right place to receive the help I need long term. this is NOT to say that I’m unhappy with my inpatient care and how I’ve been kept safe here, but I think it’s important for others who might be thinking of going into care to know that other patients express their illnesses, feelings and distress in different ways, as well as might discuss or do triggering things. This is just the reality of psychwards and inpatient care, but despite this, the benefits of being here have far outweighed the negatives and I feel set up for success.
Being here over the past ten days I have …
- spent a lot of time learning about and understanding new and incredibly insightful DBT skills and I might make a new thread on some of the ones I’ve found most helpful (if anyone is interested in that).
- I’ve heard the experiences of other patients who mirror or align with my feelings/past, and this has been really comforting
- I have had wonderful care under my psychiatrist and the resident psychologists here as well.
- I’ve learnt about taiqi and other exercises or practices which can help me mentally as well as physically
- I've made contacts with professionals and specialists who I can contact if I’m ever in crisis or need support as an outpatient
Today we have made a plan for me to continue outpatient work from mid-October and continue with my new medications as they seem to be okay thus far. I’m looking forward to these new opportunities and the therapy work I’ll be doing. We also decided that if I were to come back for inpatient care that I’ll be in the adult ward due to my maturity, mental health history and trauma which would be a better suit for adult ward.
Thank you all for keeping up with and reading my thread. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to leave a reply, I’d be more than happy to provide some insight into I’ve experienced. I know there aren’t many online resources with a lot of information on this sort of stuff 😅
Hey @BerdNurd thanks for sharing your inpatient journey with us ❤️ It sounds like there were some ups and downs but it's awesome you were able to be so open with us about it all ❤️ I bet it's been helpful for a lot of people who are going through a similar thing. I can relate a bit to getting scared in hospital- generally yeah there is a lot of shouting and stuff 😞 But hospital can be necessary and helpful sometimes so it's cool you said you didn't want to discourage anyone from seeking help 🙂 Sometimes the benefits do outweigh the risks. Have you started outpatient care yet? If so how are you finding it? Tai Chi sounds fun! I've never tried it!
Hi @BerdNurd,
Thank you for being so open, honest and candid about your thoughts and feelings. Thank you as well for letting us know you are safe and contextualising where these thoughts are coming from.
You have such an amazing perspective on your life and mental health. Think this journal is a fantastic idea.
That is a real head scratcher of a question you pose. I know I have ask those questions to myself when I have been struggling.
When will I get better, when will I stop suffering, am I normal?
I want you to know that you are not alone in this.
I tend to view myself as on a sail boat on the ocean. When the seas are calm and the weather is sunny, I look around and I see other people sailing, I join them, we have a good time, life is great, and I enjoy it.
When it is stormy, and the waves are crashing over me. I am usually so busy trying to bail out my boat that I can’t even look up to see all the others bailing with me to help me or see them struggling on their own boat. I feel so alone.
Sometimes, I try and take a deep breath, take a moment in the eye of the storm to look up and see those around me, see who’s struggling with me, see who’s helping me, and recognise that I am not alone.
Sometimes I can get so caught up trying to prepare for the next storm that I forget to have fun and enjoy the things in life.
I hope this is helpful. 😊
Aw, @BerdNurd, I love that you thought to make this thread. Reflecting on your time like this would be an excellent way to process everything happening every day. I can imagine it's helpful for other members of this community to read about, so thank you for being so open. 🙂
I'm sorry to read day 8 was a rollercoaster - It's hard to feel calm when people around us sound distressed. You mentioned that you tried the opposite action skill in that situation. I just wanted to acknowledge your hard work. Those situations can be confronting, and I think it's admirable that you tried to use the skills that you've learned. I'm also chuffed to hear that you were gentle with yourself after the panic attack. Sounds like you're really looking after yourself 🙂
Looking forward to reading more of your updates, and I hope you're having a good day so far!
Hey @BerdNurd
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences on here! It seems like it's mostly been quite a positive experience for you so far, and I'm sure your insight will help others on the forums too.
I'm so sorry you've been struggling with suicidal ideation the past week. Transitioning onto new medication can be tough and confusing. I'm proud of you for trying your best to make the most out of this care. How are you feeling today?
Hi @BerdNurd, thank you so much for sharing. I have liked reading your personal experience and hearing about all the different things that you are getting up to. You have some wonderful insight and it seems like you have been benefiting from the different therapies and activities.
I am sorry that you have been still struggling with thoughts of suicide. It must be difficult to know what to expect when your medication is being changed around. It sounds like you are trying to put some of your learnings into practice which can be easier said than done. Good on you for giving it a shot - you should be proud of yourself! Have you been able to talk to the staff about these thoughts?
Hey @BerdNurd I'm so proud of and happy for you for getting into an inpatient program! That must have been a huge relief finally getting the support you needed, after having everything thrown out the window with lockdown! I'd imagine the whole thing would be pretty daunting too- I would be so scared being in a new environment! It's awesome your mum and psych were supportive and agreed with your decision to try inpatient therapy 🙂 It sounds like overall the experience has been positive so far- except for the medication side effects- medication side effects suck! I hope they get better soon!
Looking forward to hearing back about how you are going if that's something you're still wanting to do! ❤️
Hey @BerdNurd it sounds like your stay is off to a positive start. I'm really interested in hearing about your experience and I hope journalling it like this and getting everyone's support on the forums will be helpful for you too 🙂 I have often wondered what inpatient treatment is like as I have never known anyone who went. It sounds reassuring being around people your age with a similar lived experience. best wishes 💛
Being In hospital can be a big transition @BerdNurd. I hope it all goes well for you! I think that sharing your experience will help a lot of people on our forums, especially those who are nervous or worried about going to hospital.
It sounds like you have already taken a lot of steps to achieving your goals. Keep up the hard work!
I hope that the side effects of the medication withdrawal ease and that you can feel better soon.
I wish you all the best on this stage in your recovery journey.
Looking forward to reading future updates!
