too much going on
So, I'm just going through a whirl-wind of emotions today. And I've got so much in terms of university work that I need to be focusing on, but I can't and it's making me anxious, and angry and just... disappointed.
From what's in my head at the moment:
- I'm struggling. There's so much pressure at uni to perform, considering this is my "final" semester, I want to get the 'good' grades. But, I have no motivation. This academic journey just keeps prolonging itself - deciding between honours next year, or deferring & working, do I work towards masters as well or not. What do I actually want to do when I finish? What is my career choice?
- Trying to juggle being a single mother, a friend, a sister, a daughter, and a student is so difficult. Like. Why can't i just be me. Why do I have to keep conforming to these moulds and when I dont people get angry at me?
- The (verbal) abuse at home is making me a bad person. Every day Im hitting a new low. My father and mother fight on the regular - and no, they dont have a valid reason - they just fight until it escalates. and being the only one around, I get caught up in diffusing the situation. These days Im not diffusing, im alighting. I've started saying ridiculous, disgusting things to my father when he starts abusing my mother - i started pushing and shoving the other night. im not this kind of aggressive person.
- I hate my mother, and this doesn't sit right with me. I spent so much of my life doing things for her - showing her that i was worthy of her, that I wasnt a bad child or a burden, whatever. but then, shes never protected me or my sisters. she drove us all out of home because she didnt leave her abused husband, she let us be subjected to all of that. and she's doing it again. just the other day my cousin came over and out of no where, he begins to tell me that I need help?! that I need to get antidepressants and that I need to see people and sort myself out. and my mother just let it happen. she sat there and let him say that shit to me. she didnt protect me. I hate her, i hate that i have to see her every day , that i have to pretend to be ok with her. i hate that my daughter is so attached to her (And my father). I hate that she doesnt see what shes done, what shes doing.
- i dont want to do this anymore. survive. i just dont want to. i dont know, maybe I cant? I know I dont want to get out of bed anymore - days have been beginning alot later that normal and it's impacting everything from sschool to taking care of my kid. i dont see the point. Im not self-harming this time, nor am i entertaining suicidal thoughts, but this technically is worse. i dont feel alive. i feel like i need to do something stupid, something to break out of this, but what? that wouldnt even fix this either.
Im at a loss with myself and I just want to sleep and cry.
I have that same feeling with not wanting to adult either @Mayaa99! Why can't we stay innocent forever?
It's totally fine to be losing a little focus. I've been lost several times over during my degree and always second guessing whether I picked the right path. Perhaps you could talk to academic advisors at your uni? I've talked with them whenever I got lost on my degree path and they do help a little bit with figuring out what to do next.
You could also talk to some course conveners, lecturers or tutors. The tutors at my uni are always in the process of postgrad so maybe you could talk to them about what they did? What do you think?
With all that said, if you feel you need the time to stabilise your living situation, then don't hesitate to do so. It's easier juggling one ball than three!
Agreeeed. I watch my daughter grow up and she says things and my heart snaps a tiny bit. Sometimes, I think innocence also means ignorance. And well, that isn't as great either 🙄 #nowinning
I have talked to them alot, I'm pretty sure they're just like GURRRLL you got dis, go away hahaha
Its my situation that throws doubt on me i think, like that I cant bring to the table what I need right now, because people around me keep taking what I'm trying to deliver (I hope that made sense).
I have emailed one of the conveners at uni, waiting on a reply. I can ask tutors but I found some of them to have a very narrow view of experience in terms of their university career. I think I'll feel better knowing that what I plan to do is actually executable for next year, because if it's not, i'm spiralling into an abyss of anxiety 🙄😂
Maybe we should seek an expedition to find that middle line between innocence and "adult maturity" then @Mayaa99
I agree with you there about tutors. Some of them do seem like they've had their life goals set since the day they were born and it's kinda hard to understand them since the experience is so different. On the other hand, some do know the work requirements of honours so perhaps asking a couple of them and gauging how much work is expected, you could figure out how much time you need to dedicate to it and balance it with home life so you're not juggling too many unknowns?
That next year could be filled with potential. I know many who take a gap year after after an undergraduate degree so that they have time to figure out what to do next. It seems like a very grey area from a degree to landing a job in it doesn't it? What do you reckon you feel like needs to be done to get your life stable within the time span of a year?
Haha I like how you think! Totally on board with this idea 😇
Yeah, and given how somewhat "unique" my circumstances, I'm not to sure how "fitting" their advice might be. I have become friends with a lot of the honours cohort, and one of my classmates just completed hers like a year ago, so she's my go-to which is great. Yeah, that's what I'm stuck on. I'm not sure if I could manage honours workload with the whole ... situation. And I also want to do well.. so the P's get degrees mindset isnt the best for honours haha!
I think my focus for next year is just experience and some (read: alot of) $$$. I need to move out. Away from mum, away from dad. I need to have a place, a job and a routine for me and my daughter. That's it. I dont want to add more variables. Those three are the biggest. Taking next year off uni also gives me leverage that my daughter will be in primary school full time, so one: fees are significantly less, so hopefully i wont be drowning in expenses, and two: time is a little more on my side in terms of support etc.
@Mayaa99 i am sorry i haven't responded sooner. Things have been pretty flat chat. DVCS would have been my primary referral option anyway. So i think you're on the right track in terms of supports. It's unfortunate that the CATT didn't follow up with you. What would you think about contacting the local community mental health team and asking them for some case management support?
I am also wondering about your eligibility for housing assistance. I would say that you'd be a priority for most of the government housing organisations that' i'm aware of.
You can also chat to these folks for a bit more info about who is out there to support people in your situation. OH and maybe these folks... but i am not sure, because they have some pretty specific rules around who the can help, but if you highlight that you are living with some mental health stuff they should be able to at least explore what your next steps could be.
The revolutionary idea of not reaching adulthood @Mayaa99 🙂
That's awesome that you have a classmate to help if you ever need it! I wish too that P's could make degrees in psych, it would make things so much easier XD
That sounds like a fantastic goal. Money + independence for you and your daughter + consistency/stability pretty much, right? The next year will give you more time to spend with your daughter too! Have you got anything locked and ready to go for the next year like the money you've got ready for the bond? Maybe half-worked out plans? Keep your eyes on the prize as they say 🙂 Something good to look forward to and work towards to keep your spirits up!
Your enthusiasm is contagious haha 🙂
Yep, basically that's the plan. I had half of my bond saved, but I might need to use that money - car needed servicing and rego fees due too. Disappointed because finances have been so tight, but i know it's not totally impossible at least. Once i know that honours can be deferred i'll start applying for jobs.
@Ben-RO
I think for now its ok, I discussed the issues with my psychologist and we worked through a TRAPS/TRACS program for it, so it's been helpful in managing my responses so theyre not destructive.
I haven't tried. Most of them have suggested that it's refuge housing, and shared accommodations so not the best situation. My counsellor did put in a reference for homelessness, because of the harm to my daughter but they've said because I have other family and a car, I'm not deemed "at risk".
I will definitely have a look into those! They might have some idea of what to do, where to go from here at least which will be nice. Thank you for finding these 🙂
Hey @Mayaa99 just wanted to touch base and check in. Got a lot of people on here that care 🙂
