too much going on
So, I'm just going through a whirl-wind of emotions today. And I've got so much in terms of university work that I need to be focusing on, but I can't and it's making me anxious, and angry and just... disappointed.
From what's in my head at the moment:
- I'm struggling. There's so much pressure at uni to perform, considering this is my "final" semester, I want to get the 'good' grades. But, I have no motivation. This academic journey just keeps prolonging itself - deciding between honours next year, or deferring & working, do I work towards masters as well or not. What do I actually want to do when I finish? What is my career choice?
- Trying to juggle being a single mother, a friend, a sister, a daughter, and a student is so difficult. Like. Why can't i just be me. Why do I have to keep conforming to these moulds and when I dont people get angry at me?
- The (verbal) abuse at home is making me a bad person. Every day Im hitting a new low. My father and mother fight on the regular - and no, they dont have a valid reason - they just fight until it escalates. and being the only one around, I get caught up in diffusing the situation. These days Im not diffusing, im alighting. I've started saying ridiculous, disgusting things to my father when he starts abusing my mother - i started pushing and shoving the other night. im not this kind of aggressive person.
- I hate my mother, and this doesn't sit right with me. I spent so much of my life doing things for her - showing her that i was worthy of her, that I wasnt a bad child or a burden, whatever. but then, shes never protected me or my sisters. she drove us all out of home because she didnt leave her abused husband, she let us be subjected to all of that. and she's doing it again. just the other day my cousin came over and out of no where, he begins to tell me that I need help?! that I need to get antidepressants and that I need to see people and sort myself out. and my mother just let it happen. she sat there and let him say that shit to me. she didnt protect me. I hate her, i hate that i have to see her every day , that i have to pretend to be ok with her. i hate that my daughter is so attached to her (And my father). I hate that she doesnt see what shes done, what shes doing.
- i dont want to do this anymore. survive. i just dont want to. i dont know, maybe I cant? I know I dont want to get out of bed anymore - days have been beginning alot later that normal and it's impacting everything from sschool to taking care of my kid. i dont see the point. Im not self-harming this time, nor am i entertaining suicidal thoughts, but this technically is worse. i dont feel alive. i feel like i need to do something stupid, something to break out of this, but what? that wouldnt even fix this either.
Im at a loss with myself and I just want to sleep and cry.
i feel for u. hav u tried safe medicines or drugs that can help u relax? i always use lavender oil, which is really good because it wakes me up in the morning and helps me to relax and sleep better. it is a bit expensive but it works. try asking ur friend or relatives to babysit ur child when u have to work, sleep or study. report what ur father is doing to the police ASAP. does anyone else know? wish i could help u
Hi @Mayaa99, thank you for posting on the forums. I hope we can offer you some support.
First of all, I'm glad you're not self-harming - well done! I understand the urge to do something to break out of these feelings. What's something a little different that you could do?
Even small things like going for a walk on your own or with your child might help temporarily, what do you think?
Thank you 🙂 Im not sure, I want to go out of town for a day actually, just head out for a drive, but not having time or ability to do that safely is a bit disappointing. I have been trying to give more time back to my daughter, and shes been reeeaalllyyy understanding about my absence lately. Slowly feeling a little less overwhelmed but, stilll not there yet.
I think so. Like, everything is so monotonic so yeah, I just dont feel like living and finding that 'reason' is just.... so so so hard right now. Not much has been helping, just persistent low moods. I dont have many friends around here, my best friend lives in another state.. suppose that just makes it feel harder going through all this 'alone'
@Mayaa99 i can hear how everything is tough all at once and i can definitely imagine why that might be very overwhelming. You mentioned that you don't feel like living, and that finding a reason is hard at the moment. Do you mind me asking, have you had thoughts of ending your life?
Headspace is a bit clearer these days which is good. Things at home arent so stable though. I think my dad was pushing my mum around yesterday. He'd been drinking. I was beyond exhausted so I stayed in bed - usually i'd intervene, but... I've just given up. Feel sad, feel a bit cowardly but i've been saving my mother for 9 odd years. i gotta save my daughter now. and myself.
Sucks majorly that things at home have been so unstable for you @Mayaa99 
I definitely agree, sometimes you really do need to look out for yourself first. It's like they say about oxygen masks on aeroplanes, and how you put the mask on yourself before helping anyone else.
I'm glad to hear that your headspace has been a bit clearer. Can we help you talk or work through anything to make that a bit easier?
Thinking of you! 
Like ok. hold up here. this man got to abuse me for 3 years, he gets to walk away from his daughter and live his life exactly how he wants to and *I* have to PAY to legally rid myself of this man, *I* have to shoulder the entire burden of HIS child too? as if I dont have it hard enough, he just looovesss putting more on my plate, and i feel like this divorce is how he has control over me. stupid fucking system.
@mlang66 Ive tried a few things. Down side of being a psychology student is sometimes you cant even manipulate yourself into a placebo. seeing a proper psychologist and i can see right through what shes trying to do. im not self diagnosing but man, i just need to get rid of my family because theyre the most toxic thing on this earth. I'll be fine if i never have to see/deal with them again. I cant report what dads doing. Mum would flip her shit (not that i care) but because hes not abusive towards me, they cant do anything until mum steps up.
I appreciate your post. I have tried to talk to my mother, but each time I do, she automatically thinks I'm ."blaming" her or "attacking" her.
Psychology was my preference and I've worked really hard to get here. I'm still persevering at school because it's 3months before i finish and im doing ok with it, thankfully through all this thats one stable thing for me.
@Mayaa99 it often helps to let the report the abuse, even if they can't do anything because it gives a good track record if your mum ever does choose to seek an intervention from the police. I also worry because there are some risks and responsibilities around your daughter witnessing abusive behaviour and you have every right to report it from this perspective too.
@Mayaa99 i don't think that's selfish, i think it's pretty understandable to feel worried about destabilising things further when everything feels so shaky already. Often there are layers to the levels of support you can get, and there may be ways to be safer and add extra layers of support to protect yourself and your daughter from the impacts of the environment without a full on intervention. Have you ever chatted to a service like 1800 RESPECT? Would you like me to look around for other support options for you?
@Ben-RO... Things escalated at home. But before I address that, I would appreciate if you could find other support options. I am already aware of services like DVCS.
( @letitgo)
So. I called the cops on my dad on Friday night - *Trigger warning* ... I self-harmed as well. I'm ok now, stable. Some one from CATT will call me tomorrow and I'll go in and see them.
I dont even know how this happened tbh, my response was out of line, but It's just been fuelled for so long. I went outside for a walk after putting my daughter to bed, it was like 11pm, and my dad saw me outside with a guy (my neighbour) and started getting all up in his face. Like, really aggressive and assertive. I pushed dad away and told him to leave. when i came home dad was arguing with mum and then with me, alot of shouting, pushing and shoving. So i called the cops. they came and the situation dissolved a little. Havent spoken to dad since.
Overwhelmed and not sure what to do. Feeling broken and at the same time motivated to get out. Everyone blames me. they always say im the one that causes trouble. but i do nothing. Ive always tried to be perfect. i dont ask for these things to happen, they just do. i hate feeling like such a burden and i want it to stop...
@Mayaa99 I think it was really brave of you to call the police on your dad and I think you did the right thing. You shouldn't have to live in fear like that.
Did someone from CATT call you? How are you doing today?
Thank you, @letitgo i feel like crap doing it but then i dont. My dad isnt, even in the slightest, bit affected by what happened. He's still pushing buttons but less overt
No one called from CATT, no follow up. Not severely disappointed, but would have appreciated the support. Spent most of the morning just crying over all the emotions of the weekend, just tired and empty for now. Disappointed i have not made any progress at uni, but hoping to catch up tomorrow.
@mlang166 nah, my mothers way more complex than I make her sound. this is a 10year old problem and im not slightly exaggerating. Shes beyond trying to befriend or change.
I get how you feel with uni at the moment! Being a psych student as well, it gets especially tough this half of the year. It's already impressive that you've got this far 🙂
Which part of uni isn't going so well for you right now? Is it your home life that's distracting you from your uni work or perhaps something else as well?
Good luck with your semester! You can make it 🙂
It doessss, all my assessment is due over the next few weeks and I'm scared I won't meet deadlines. Thanks haha, holding on real tight over here.
It's actually just getting things done. I will get to uni, I will sit at my desk... And I'll write a sentence or two and find myself back on social media or just blanked out. My headspace is just....Lost. I feel unable, or rather incapable, of functioning anymore.
I'm not sure what it can be. I've had some confusions in my relationship situation which was soooooooo not needed right now.
But. I've lost focus maybe? I'm just not sure what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. Like... graduation is upcoming and I'm thinking to myself "is this gonna give me the career I want or just the qualification" - Being a psyc student, you might understand how irrelevant a B Psych can be without post graduate. And my situation begs that I take a year off to stabilise my living situation first. So.... Decisions.
My little heart doesn't want to adult, but doesnt want to give up on me/my daughter eitherrrrr 😪
