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12am

It is 12 am and I don't know what I'm doing. Just staring at my computer screen and not wanting to rest. My brain has been going at a hundred miles an hour lately and I feel as if I can't grab onto anything, the world is just floating past. I don't know how I'll cope when school starts again, it's still 2 weeks till I need to go back and I'm already feeling anxious. I know last year I made so many improvements, but just because I don't avoid things as much because of my anxiety doesn't mean I don't still feel disgusting and ill when I'm in situations where I need to be social. I don't want to contact my counsellor or therapist at the moment as where I live there has been a lot of problems with the fires, so I assume they are already under enough stress themselves, but at the same time I feel I need to talk to someone. My chest is constantly tight and I can't stop grinding my teeth. I am having trouble breathing and have been getting snappy at my family even when I don't want to be, and today for the first time in a long while, I had thoughts of self-harm and suicide. So I am still sitting up at 12 am, unsure of what to do, and just ranting because its the only thing I can. 

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Re: 12am

Hi @Blurryphaced 

 

That sounds really difficult... Are you safe at the moment?

 

I'll be up for a bit if you'd like to chat.

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Re: 12am

Hi @Blurryphaced,

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're feeling a lot of anxiety around going back to school, despite the amazing improvements you've made? It also sounds like there's a lot going on in terms of the fires, which would make absolutely anyone feel anxious. I want to check that you are safe? You're completely allowed to rant on here, that's what the forums are here for, so we can express how we feel. I know you said you don't want to contact your counsellor or therapist because they might be going through a tough time with the fires. However, I reckon that they would be much happier if you contacted them when you are having these thoughts, so that they can help you with how you're feeling. If they are not available they will let you know, but then they can arrange someone else who may be able to help. Also, we are here for you on RO too.  

____________________________________________________
“Your now is not your forever."
― John Green, Turtles All the Way Down
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Re: 12am

Oh @Blurryphaced that sounds really exhausting. I hope that you're having a good rest right now and feel reassured by the messages you've received overnight. 

 

It sounds like what you're going through would be really isolating to go through alone. You are so empathetic for thinking about the well-being of your counsellor or therapist. In saying that, I think it's important to mention that they are trained professionals that are equipped to manage times of crisis. Do you think there is anything that would help you to feel comfortable to reach out to your supports? 

 

Also, just want to check that you are safe at the moment. Hope to hear back from you soon Heart 

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Re: 12am

I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling this way and that those thoughts have come back for you @Blurryphaced. They are never fun to deal with and it can be even harder when they return after making progress and feeling as though you've been on the right track. Don't be too hard on yourself though because it does happen and you certainly are not alone ❤ It sounds as though you've come a long way with your 'recovery' and dealing with past thoughts and I hope you are able to draw upon that strength to fight back against your thoughts this time too! I know it's not easy, but it does sound as though you have it in you!! Are there any particular strategies/plans you have in place with your psychologist that might help you get through these thoughts until you see him/her next? Or anything we can do to help? 

 

I also agree with what everyone else has said and think you should reach out to your psychologist if you are feeling like you need to see them. It's so lovely of you to think about them the way you have, but you are also just as important and that's what they are there for. To help you push through times like this. So I think you should connect with them. If they are unavailable I'm sure they'll let you know and find other ways to help you out. 

 

Until then, we are always here to listen and help where we can ❤

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Re: 12am

Hey @Blurryphaced
I'm also very sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. School's starting back for me too, and I share the same anxiety. Being social is not my favourite thing to do.

It honestly doesn't help that I'm moving to a new school too. But as @MB95 has said, you have what it takes to overcome that anxiety. Those feelings are powerless against you. It may not seem like it, and sometimes they will win, but you can fight it.
(Sorry if this sounds trashy or doesn't make sense, I've had a rough night with only 4 hrs sleep)

As everyone else has said, we are here for you whenever you need someone to talk to.❤

// You are worth Something, not Nothing. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise //
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Re: 12am

Hi @Tiny_leaf yes I am currently safe sorry for the late response n thank u for your support. Back at it again with the overactive brain and depressive thoughts tonight. I feel so out of control 😔

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Re: 12am

@Bre-RO sorry for the late response, tonight hasnt been great. My mind is overly overactive and everything feels out of control. I'm anxious about talking to my counsellor, things r better here now so I think I could contact them without being too much of a hassle, but I'm still worried about it just because for some reason I must worry about everything. I think I really just have to do it now despite my fears to try and help myself more overall. 

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Re: 12am

@xXLexi_Lou122Xx  thank you for your support Smiley Happy it is really hard, but it helps when I get nice reminders like this from the community that I am not alone p.s. good luck at your new school 

Re: 12am

@MB95  Thank u for your support 😀  I have talked about coping strategies with my psychologist, and try to implement them as best I can. The only issue is that when I find myself in these places I often have thoughts of self sabotage. My brain tells me to stop fighting, to cut everyone off, to hide in my room with the curtins closed and give up on doing anything. I have such a strong desire to throw away all my progress and wrap myself back up into a cocoon of anxiety and depression, and I dont know how to unlearn that without genuinely being content within myself.