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Another update from me - feeling stuck + venting

Hi!

It's been a minute since I've been active on here, I feel really bad for that. I want to try and get on here more, and support this wonderful community! Heart

Just thought I'd make another thread to update on how I'm going... I can't remember the last time I posted, but I feel like I'd be more of the same.

Uni. Ugh, I don't even want to think about it. I was in danger of failing a class despite getting all HDs in it as for some reason my brain wouldn't let me write an essay, but I managed to get a special assignment task that's due this Friday. I don't even know if I'll be able to do that. I just feel so burnt out and I'm wondering what the point of it all is. After this one unit I literally have one more unit left to complete (in July) and I'm finished my degree... until honours. Am I even well enough to do honours? Will I ever be? Probably not. I'm so sick of uni. I keep saying to everyone that I'm glad I get this trimester off for self improvement but I've said that the past few times I've withdrawn from all my units. 

Then there's the health issues/ pain. The pain disappeared for a bit but it's strong this week, I wake up and my hands are tingling. Luckily I've been able to see the neurologist (after a 6 month wait) and I had a spinal MRI done yesterday. I don't really think he believes me either, he said the muscle jerks are most likely anxiety and while it's true I seem to get them more when anxious they also appear when I'm not at all. It hurts the worst that no one believes me, my mum said to me that it's just happening because I'm thinking about it. 'It's weird how you got this pain this week but not last week, you need to find things to distract yourself from it'. Thanks.

I feel like I'm falling behind in everything. The constant unknown of lockdowns mean I've been unable to meet my jobseeker requirements and I'm in danger of my payments being cut off (every meeting with them my provider wonders if I'm well enough to even do it, that I should get it reviewed... they never do). I can't keep up with my usual volunteering stuff (see example: I'm hardly on here anymore Smiley Sad). I feel like all I do is let people down and I barely have any excuse for it. I try talking to people online and making new friends but I can't bare to message them again after initial contact in fear of disappointing another person (I'm aware not messaging them will hurt them as well... ugh, it's a struggle).

Last week was Mardi Gras and I went out with some friends for the first time in my adult life. I felt so happy. I felt included and I got to dance and I didn't worry about much. The worst part of it all is that my stupid brain won't let me be happy. That night, I woke up at 2am feeling completely nauseous and down, wondering whether this might be the happiest I'll ever feel, if anything in life is worth it if it's just a constant rollercoaster of unknown emotions. Apathy is such a safe emotion to be in, I feel like it keeps me grounded in the present -- happiness makes me think of the future, knowing that it's not going to last long, that I have so many falls left in my life that will take away this feeling. I know this isn't a good way to think at all but I can't help it.

I've said this before but I just can't stand growing up. I miss being a kid so much. Everyone was on the same playing field -- now people are in every direction and there are a million expectations. I still talk to the same people I was friends with in primary school and I hate that we've grown up and don't have time for the things that made us happy in our childhood. I can't cope that people are different now but I still feel the same. I hate the idea of letting people go and I can't deal with it. Even my brother, we still live in the same house and everything but he doesn't even go on family trips anymore and I miss being his best friend. Every single day I'm getting older but I just feel so stuck. I just want to move out and start living but I know I'm not well enough and I can't just lie in bed waiting for my life to start. 

I don't know how to get out of this. I have a really good psychologist for once but 1 hour every fortnight seems like not enough sometimes, I'm already halfway through my sessions on my mental health care plan and it's not even a quarter through the year so I don't know how I'd afford more. I know I should talk more about my past but I can't so I'm stuck going in circles and never getting to the bottom of anything. 

So this vent turned to places I didn't expect it to go... I guess I just needed to get a lot of things off my chest. I'm safe, by the way... I just don't really know what to do anymore. I've been trying to call Lifeline etc but they just say things like 'go to your GP, talk to a friend/ family about this'... like I haven't been dealing with this half my life and like I don't tire and burden my friends/ family with it all every day. I don't know...

Thanks for reading. I'll try to get on here more! Smiley Happy

Re: Another update from me - feeling stuck + venting

Hi @Hozzles 

 

Nerve pain sucks Smiley Sad

I have FND and hypermobility and hardly anyone believes me either.

But it's pretty normal for pain to be variable, and for it to get worse when you're anxious. 

Like even of the cause is purely physical, when you're anxious you're more tensed up and looking for danger, it makes sense pain would be worse.

 

 

I wish I had some advice or something that could fix everything for you, but since I don't I'd just like to say I'm here to listen and I believe you and believe in you.

Re: Another update from me - feeling stuck + venting

Hi @Hozzles, it sounds like you are in a really tough situation right now, like there are so much stress accumulated Smiley Sad did u tell your psychologist about your pain? cuz there is a possibility that it is partly caused by your mental health problems. (e.g. I feel tight at the back and really uncomfortable when I am in an argument and want to escape from that situation). and I think you might make yourself too much stress (like someone is chasing you behind?) as something did not happen as you expected.
I'm glad that dancing can make you feel better, and maybe you can try more relevant stuff that can make you feel little bit relaxed and put that in your self-care plan Smiley Happy I hope everything will be better with you (hug)

Re: Another update from me - feeling stuck + venting

Hi @Hozzles Heart I don't have any advice in particular, but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this with us - I hope it was cathartic at the least. From reading your post I'm getting the sense that you feel like you're not 'good enough' at life - I just wanted to let you know that this isn't true at all. I feel like society puts an expectation on us to 'juggle a million things and not fall apart because otherwise you're a failure', but this isn't realistic at all. Life is full of lots of crap a lot of the time and the fact you're here and being so open speaks volumes about who you are as a person. you are enough and I hope things look up for you soon Heart

Re: Another update from me - feeling stuck + venting

Hey @Hozzles ,

 

I've just been catching up on your thread here and I'm really glad you were able to come here and share a bit about what's been going on for you- I hope it helped a bit to get it all out on paper/screen Heart

 

I can really empathise with the pressure of juggling uni with chronic illness/ mental health/ life in general, and I think so many people hit that point of feeling burnt out and wondering what the point is with it all - it sounds like you've done amazingly and been so resilient in the face of a lot of shit.  You are such a hugely valued member of this community and have given so much support to so many people, you're absolutely not letting anyone down here.  

 

I know I found my twenties a weird, transitional time- it can feel like there's so much pressure on us to juggle all of the things, work out exactly where we fit in life, build that glittering resume, "achieve our potential" (SO not a fan of that phrase!) - and I just wanted to echo what @clarii3105  said so beautifully! You have so much value as a human and there's so much strength in being honest and laying this shit out there.

 

It made me really happy to hear that you had a wonderful time dancing with friends at Mardi Gras, you deserve those moments of joy!  

 

On a practical note, are you able to access the extra sessions on your mental health plan this year?  I hope your MRI went well and that it helps your specialists find some more answers

 

 

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Re: Another update from me - feeling stuck + venting

Thanks so much everyone. All your support means so much to me. 

Just another update before I reply individually (as always, haha):

So I don't know why, but I just completely broke down today. I was in the car with Mum and I had a panic attack and just told her everything that has been worrying me + things I've never spoken about but happened years ago. She made me promise to tell my psychologist about these things, but it's so hard. I promised myself I would tell the psychologist I was seeing about 6 years ago, but it never came out.

I feel raw and I'm terrified. I haven't been able to stop shaking since. It sucks, all I want to do is let myself feel + heal but I have to put away my feelings to work on this stupid essay due Friday. My Mum, while supportive in some areas, called me selfish that I made the uni make accommodations for me only for me to not be able to breeze through it. 

Ugh. The future is just so scary. I think my problem with uni is that I see it as the end of my childhood and all I've known is the same thing (I know there's still Masters etc to go after but that requires applying + getting accepted and isn't just as straightforward as highschool). I've desperately been trying to cling to the past but I need to move forward and it's so painful. I'd love to take a big step, travel somewhere on my own once the world opens back up, live somewhere different and find myself... everything is just so hard and painfulSmiley Sad

Re: Another update from me - feeling stuck + venting

Hey @Hozzles 

 

So sorry you had such a rough day yesterday, its a really intense feeling to talk about things for the first time. I'm glad that you felt safe to talk about how you were feeling with us, we are always here to listen to you @Hozzles and support you however we can. How are you going today?

That must have been really hurtful to hear that from your mum about the support you've had from uni Smiley Sad Uni is really freakin hard, and I'm so glad that I got supports when I needed them to get through it. Good on you for getting support, it exists because we all deserve it Heart

 

You're totally right about the future being scary, and it can make it really hard to get excited about it when things feel so overwhelming. I'm wondering if maybe there is anything from when you were a really young child that excited you about being an adult? Or anything from childhood that you do that you still love? I like to think about existing between these two sort of worlds rather than fully ever transitioning out of one, I think they can coexist in a lot of ways really nicely together Heart

Re: Another update from me - feeling stuck + venting

@Hannah-RO I really don't know how I am... I feel like I've been zoning out all day. My flight or fight is so bad all I do is flight, I hate being in the house so I try to drag my family to brunch + go for walks... but nothing much helps. I just want to see my psychologist but I don't have another appointment for a week or two. Tomorrow I think I might try and go to uni to see if it helps sitting in the library, maybe with some uni friends... I don't know. I'm really trying my hardest right now but I also feel like my world is imploding in on itself.

As for second question... I definitely think the same. Like, we're not caterpillars who magically metamorphosise into butterflies. I can't remember what excited me about being an adult, it's all really really scared me and I've never really been able to think about the future much. A lot that excited me as a child still excites me... writing stories, Animal Crossing, learning facts about animals and going to zoos... Smiley Tongue

Re: Another update from me - feeling stuck + venting

I think hanging out at uni with some mates sounds like a really good idea @Hozzles, I've been in situations like this before, and sometimes it's just better to try and sit with the emotion if you can, and try and distract yourself with positive coping strategies - like surrounding yourself with friends and loved ones - when you can't. 

 

As for the second part of your post, I think it's super normal to feel anxious and hesitant about the adult world/becoming an adult. I think something that helped me reconcile that feeling, was figuring out how I could really embrace the desires I had as a kid with the agency I have as an adult. Actually you mentioning the zoo totally reminded me of how a couple of years ago went to the zoo 2 or 3 times in the one month, just cause I thought it was fun. That sort of thing would have been impossible as a kid, but now that I am an adult I can go as many times as I like ahhaha Smiley Very Happy

Re: Another update from me - feeling stuck + venting

I second @Andrea-RO 's advice Heart adulthood can be really overwhelming and scary i definitely agree, but one thing adulthood does give us that childhood didn't (or at least not nearly as much) is freedom and agency over our own lives. so revisiting some of the things that you liked as a kid (and would still enjoy today) but with the added freedom and autonomy can be really enjoyable and refreshing Smiley Happy