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Can I just hide from it all?
Part of doesn't want to go through with all this anymore. I'm really struggling to find a reason to do anything. I'm hurting more than words can describe right now.
I don't want to go to prac tomorrow. I don't want to face it.
I don't want to finish the course anymore. It all feels too hard. I don't understand what I'm meant to be doing. I don't enjoy it anymore...
I don't want to go to work anymore. I'm finding it too hard. Too stressful. Too anxiety provoking.
I just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the worls for eternity. Is that too much?
Comments
Sorry to hear you're having such a rough night @Bee. I know how overwhelming it can feel when work, study and life all seems to build up on you. Try to remember how much you've already accomplished with your course, and if you're finding it extra challenging at the moment, is there a classmate or teacher you can talk with to clear up anything you might be having a tough time with? Did your Counsellor contact your TAFE to see what support is available to your there?
What about work is most stressful at the moment? Are you able to sit down and write down some possible solutions or goals that will help ease it? Or is there someone at work who could help you with it?
I know it can be hard, but please remember how strong you are and all that you've already accomplished. Do you have another session with your Counsellor this week? It seems like you've been doing awesome in your first two!
My teacher said she spoke with the psych, but I don't know anything more. I'll have to wait until my next apt. to find out.
Work is stressful. The having to be 100% awesome all the time. The awkwardness when I can't understand a customer, because I wasn't listening. The awkwardness of no conversation, or my failed attempts at conversation... Then there is the rush, sometimes I just can't cope, or the dead quiet time and there's nothing I can do because someone needs to stay on registers... blergh. And then there are the thoughts in my head making it all 10 times harder. 😞 I just wan to scream!
But it all feels like nothing moonwalk, because despite it all, I'm worse. The suicidal thoughts have increased, these dark times are becoming longer, more intense and more frequent. I'm feeling over fighting myself. I'm too tired to fight much more. And everything is just wearing me thin. I don't know how much more I can actually cope with.
I have an appointment with the psych on Thursday, but I'm seriously wishing I booked it for Tuesday instead 😞
I understand what you mean at work. Having to always be on focus and on task, it was always my weak point. And then having to have the customer repeat themselves because I wasn't listening. During the dead-quiet time, try cleaning up the area around the registers, organising things, wiping down the surfaces, organising any nearby shelves, to keep yourself occupied. It can be tough during the rushes, I've been stuck alone faced with what felt like an endless supply of customers but I know you're strong and brave and capable.
I don't know if I'm helping you at all, but I want you to know I'm here for you. Even though I'm terrified of bees, you're the exception 🙂
With work if I'm on express there is literally nothing else I can do except else I can do apart from what I am already. Hell I've gotten to the point of organising our bank bangs in the drawer to be put back into the office! And there's literally dozens. But it only takes me a couple minutes.
@redhead prac was meh. It was ok I guess. But I found myself constantly thinking 'I don't know what to do' and I should know by now! It's my third prac! About the most useful thing I did was put a child to sleep and sit with one so he wouldn't cry all day. *sigh*
Thanks. I kinda just want to give up already. Drop it entirely, or purposely fail it and then just drop it....
I know 'one day at a time' is a bit of a cliche, @Bee, but it is a helpful way to approach things when it's all feels to hard. Have you seen that TV show Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? It's written by Tina Fey and it's really cute and funny. Anyway, the main character has this mantra that you can stand anything for ten seconds. So when she is faced with something awful or overwhelming, she grits her teeth and gets through the ten seconds. Take a breath, and starts counting again. It's an oversimplified version of the world, I know, but maybe if you promise yourself you'll get through one hour of the next task/prac/shift/counselling session you have ahead of you and then assess whether you want to keep going for another hour at the end of it, things will be a bit easier to manage.
I haven't seen that tv show. I'll have a look later.
Right now I'm just questioning the notion of dropping this course after I've finished this prac. It's feeling way too much right now.
Hey @Bee,
Just checking in to see how you're feeling today? It seems to be overwhelming time of year for people who are studying. Do you get a mid-Semester break soon? I hope you can hold on! I agree with @moonwalk, hopefully seeing your counsellor again may help you unburden yourself of some of the stress and overwhelm. I hope it goes well tomorrow!
blithe
I think once prac is over I do? I don't even know anymore.
I'm also worried about tomorrow. I've got to tell her a few things which she wanted me to, but also I again haven't been able to do anything she's asked... How can I expect to get better if I can't do anything for myself? :@
I literally just want to run and hide from it all!
@moonwalk it was terrible. I completely shut down. I reflected a little here I struggled to get anything out and just sat staring at hte ground like I did the first session. I couldn't even get my medicare card out for her after she deicded it was best to end the session at 30mins. I felt so indescribably bad. And I don't really know what to do now. 😞
It's like there is literally no one I can turn to
@blithe I wish I saw that last night...
The main thing to remember about your counsellor is that she is not a teacher, not a boss, not a parent not anyone who is going to punish you in any way, shape or form. She is purely and fundamentally there to support you and understand you.
If you are able, could you write down now on a piece of paper how you would like your counsellor to react when you shut down during an appointment? Because even if your counsellor is the best counsellor in the world, she is still might be stumped when the communication stops... In an ideal world is there anything she could say or do to make you feel more at ease in that moment?
Does that sound like something you can do? Then you could email that to her or give it to her next time...
@moonwalk I don't know if I could directly print many of my posts here without feeling the need to edit them... I'd probably adapt them...
@bessie94 I'm pretty much the same as before. I like the idea of writing it down, I'm just so aware of how hard it is for m to actually hand it over/edit it until there's nothing left....
@Sophie-RO I know she's there to support & understand, but I can't help but feel judged. I feel judged by everyone. And I know that's the anxiety. But I've felt like that since I was really little! SO that's going to be very hard to overcome.
I can try, but I'm honestly not sure what the best thing she could do is! Usually when I shut down to that extent, I isolate myself from others... It's a pure freeze response....
Hey @Bee, as I was saying in your other thread here, don't let this one session throw you of going to more. It's a process and even though you feel like the last one didn't go well, it's still done some good as it's got you to think about possibly writing your feelings and thoughts down and taking them to a session.
You constantly impress me with how insightful, honest and self aware you are in the Turning Negatives into Positves thread. Do you think it would make your next appointment with your councillor easier if you copied some of your posts from RO and took them with you?
I'm sure your councillor doesn't think negatively of you in any way - she's there to help. You can still turn to her, even if it's with a written note or letter. And don't forget, you can always come here to talk too.
Hey @Bee,
Hopefully you'll get some breathing room after your prac then. Hang on to that thought! 🙂
From the way that you described her, your counsellor is not going to make you feel bad if you haven't done much of the homework she asked you to do.
Can you put aside 5 minutes tonight to think about what she asked you to do, and maybe just make a start on one or two things? Might help you feel calmer about the appointment.
blithe
Or take either less hours or even use up some leave time for a bit of time away from work?
I want to say that it's completely okay to not know everything right now. It's /only/ your third prac. People learn new things on the job all the time. the important thing isn't that you're at your best now, but that you know more now than you did at your last prac.
Also, that actually sounds to me like you did two pretty great things with those kids. You don't have to have a whole ton of focuses each day, having the focus of keeping one kid comfortable for a day is fine.
At my work I'll often be alone in one section with absolutely nothing to do and the music is like elevator music, and I find myself often just singing along to whatever song I can get in my head. Not loud enough for anyone aside from myself to actually hear me, but it makes it a lot more bearable.
Maybe you could ask your co-workers what they do when they're on registers and it's quiet?
Yeah I guess so. I just always have all these worries about what the staff think of me etc. Especially after previous experiences etc.
Usually they walk around to talk to others/each other/find another job etc.