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Feeling extremely hopeless

I've been feeling hopeless about the future for a long time now. Everything feels pointless; I don't see why I get out of bed every day, why I keep living. It's mechanical and utterly devoid of joy or meaning. I feel that the life I want so desperately will never be possible, financially or morally. That I will always be compelled to do things that I hate and live in ways that make me unhappy and exhausted simply because there is no other option. I don't feel like the kind of life I'm going to have is worth living. 

 

I'm forcing myself to study and I'm forcing myself to (casually) go on dates with someone I'm not in love with and I'm forcing myself to get involved in activism again, even though I kinda hate all those things. I feel that I have a moral obligation to do them, though. The only thing that actually makes me happy is spending time with my friends and that's just...well, it doesn't count as real adult stuff. I can't have fun. Life doesn't work like that. I just wish there was meaning in the obligation. 

 

I can see the life that I'll get and it makes me feel ridiculously hopeless. Jobs that make me cry every Monday morning in the parking lot because I'm so damn tired. Dating people I don't love just because I don't want to be alone. Letting people who make me feel sick pressure me into sex I don't want. Renting shitty apartments that I can't afford that have rats and mould problems. Pretending to be a girl for my whole life and getting called by my birth name and getting called ma'am in shops. Spending any second of free time desperately trying to make a difference and make our government listen. Getting increasingly bitter and angry and hard.

 

I'm selfish and lazy, is my problem, maybe. I just want to live quietly. I want to plant flowers and bake brownies and feel safe. I want to have a flat chest and pretty shirts and a beard. I want to fall in love. I want people to come to my home and I can help them to heal and feel safe and let go of their trauma. I want to sleep at night. It hurts that I will never have the kind of peace or softness that I crave so badly.

 

I feel like an outsider; like I will never belong anywhere. Like I may not even exist. I get the sense that I could die right now and I would drift out of all my photographs - I would melt into a foggy, elusive concept somewhere between now and the funeral.

Please help me. 

Re: Feeling extremely hopeless

hearing you @DruidChild i vant find the words right now but ill be back tomorrow. i understand all of what you said. sitting with you Heart 

**NEVER be afraid to ask for help because you're WORTH it!**

Re: Feeling extremely hopeless

Thank you @scared01, I appreciate you being here Heart

Re: Feeling extremely hopeless

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Re: Feeling extremely hopeless

I'm really sorry that you're feeling so worthless @DruidChild. I just want to say how valued you are here on RO, so it really breaks my heart to hear you are feeling this way.

 

It sounds like the activities that you are participating in (study, dates, activism) are not giving you much satisfaction right now. I want to emphasise that whilst they can be good activities, they are not for everyone. I am wondering if you can think of some activities that you enjoy that you might be able to occupy your time with instead? You certainly don't sound selfish or lazy to me.

 

I'm also concerned about some of your statements about your future - these are really heavy thoughts Smiley Sad I want to emphasise that so much can change between now and the future, so I'm not sure how helpful these thoughts actually are to you right now. Do you think you would be able to do some mindfulness in order to get your thoughts to the present moment?

 

On that note, I hope that the world will become a more accepting place and that people will embrace and accept you for who you are. You don't need to pretend for anyone - you are a special and beautiful person as you are. Heart

 

I don't necessarily think that there is any problem with living quietly. Naturally, there will need to be some compromise (needing to earn an income, pay bills, etc.), but the hobbies that you have listed are certainly valid (mmmm... I'm craving brownies now Smiley Tongue), and if that is where you get your satisfaction, please don't let those go!

 

What can you do at the moment in terms of looking after yourself? Please know that we are here for you at RO, and that I am always willing to chat if you need it. Stay strong! Heart

Re: Feeling extremely hopeless

Hi @DruidChild it takes such courage to reach out and voice how you're feeling so thank you because I think others will be able to relate (please note I've deleted the other post for you - I'm not sure why it double posted either!). I know I do. 

 

Please remember that this is your life and you have every right to fill it with as much joy as possible. It really is your choice. I know sometimes society or even our own expectations can weigh us down but it really is as simple as doing and pursuing things that make you happy. 

 

It also sounds like you have some very valuable things to focus on like friends, painting and cooking, and creating a safe and loving environment to live in. You just need to work out how you can create more of this in your life and to let go of anything that doesn't make you feel happy, content or safe. Heart

 

Speaking of, do you feel safe at the moment?

Re: Feeling extremely hopeless

Thanks so much for your replies @mrmusic and @Erin-RO Heart

 

@mrmusic (hi by the way! I don't think I've 'met' you on here before Smiley Happy ) Thank you for your kindness - I hope you know that you're a valuable and beautiful person too! 

I feel like with a lot of the things I'm doing, like study, there isn't really an alternative to. What I actually want to do is drop out and get a full time job in child care or as a checkout person or something; but that's not really an option for me, as my family would be very upset and concerned. 

Mindfulness is a good idea. That often helps, actually. 

Last night was really hard and I got to the point where I was just crying and thinking 'I don't have any reasons to wake up tomorrow.' So I worked on finding just one reason to wake up (talking to a friend on messenger) and managed to fall asleep. 

 

@Erin-RO thank you, hearing that things are honestly my choice was such a huge relief. I guess a major thing that's bothering me at the moment is that I don't feel like I actually have a choice with a lot of things. Especially activism. Terrible things are done every day by our government - I feel that morally I have an obligation to resist and protest those things. I don't feel that not doing anything is a morally defensible position. It makes me really angry, because I'm not doing these terrible things - I'm not imprisoning and killing children - but because other people don't care about who they're hurting I have to spend my life hurting myself by trying to stop these terrible things from happening. It's making me into such a bitter, resentful person in a way I never was before. 

The thought that I can just try to make myself happy is a nice one, but I don't feel that I could ever ethically accept it. 

 

Re: Feeling extremely hopeless

Hey @DruidChild, thanks, I think I understand better now.

 

Please let me echo @Erin-RO’s wonderful comment about things being your choice, and it is your right to be happy with the things you do. I totally understand what it’s like with family, and wanting to live up to their expectations as I am in a very similar situation myself. Personally, I think that child care would be a wonderful field to be involved in, do you have a particular passion for working with children? Naturally this would involve a certain amount of tertiary study, but if its something your passionate about, then it’s totally worth it!

 

I am very happy that you proactively worked on a strategy to put your mood and thoughts into a better place last night. How are you feeling today? Heart

Re: Feeling extremely hopeless

That's a really interesting perspective @DruidChild. I would have assumed that getting involved in activism might give someone a sense of purpose? But it sounds like for you it's more of an obligation that weighs on you? Is it that you feel like the problems are too big? Or unsolvable?

 

I know that there are certain things going on in the world that I don't agree with and while I can't do much about things on global scale, I can make changes and choices in my everyday life that align with my values and principles.

 

I'm not sure it's unethical to focus on making yourself happy. Many philosophies like Buddhism focus on you being the change you wish to see in the world and as Pema Chodron says "Be kinder to yourself. And then let your kindness flood the world

 

I guess I think we may need to lead by example, so when you choose to live with joy, compassion and courage, you inspire others to do the same Heart

Re: Feeling extremely hopeless

@mrmusic Thank you. I find a lot of relief in the idea that you've both presented that it's my choice over what I want to do. 

Ah I actually have a certificate in child care! That's kind of why it's the field I specified. I love kids and I love working with kids, for a while I found it very confronting because of my own trauma but I'm dealing with that better now. I'm doing my bachelors of nursing atm and I was really enthusiastic about it for a while, but now I've done a split and I don't love it so much. 

I'm really tired and anxious but apart from that I'm doing okay, thanks. How are you doing today? Heart

 

@Erin-RO I think for a lot of people it does, but for me it's just another responsibility that I HAVE to fulfill. I find that things like caring for friends, cooking for neighbours, helping relatives with childcare, paying it forward, are more fulfilling forms of kindness to me. I don't like being political, it's just that I feel I have no choice. 

That's true. I think that when I'm working it might be better, because I can be involved in positive change making things instead of just resisting the bad things. But while I'm a student I just feel like I'm being indulgent and not doing anything worthwhile, and so I need to make up for it by forcing myself to be political.