Feeling lonely
So recently I’ve just been feeling really lonely and unable to do work. I mean I recently just spilt up with one of my really close friends who I had feelings for. My friends all told me that our relationship was toxic and unhealthy because he would be disrespectful to me but I would make excuses for him all the time. Truth is I was also quite unhappy but I just couldn’t break it off because he would always come up with an excuse which I would try to help him. So whenever I helped him I ended up being friends again with him. A few days ago, I decided that I’ve had enough so I blocked him. I know I made the right decision for long term but short termly, it makes me feel depressed inside and lonely because I used to talk to him a lot but now I don’t.
Comments
Hi @Ballerina! Welcome to the forums!
I'm really sorry about the split. 😞 Even though it wasn't a healthy relationship, I can understand why you would still feel sad about it ending. It's often hard to leave someone we're close to, even if they didn't always treat us well.
What have you been doing to cope with your loneliness so far? Has anything helped you in the past when you've felt something similar?
We have an article with some strategies about how to cope with a breakup here.
There is also another article about breaking up with a friend.
I haven't really encountered such an issue before because it has only been recently that I have been brave enough to acknowledge how I feel- usually I just bury it away. The first few days were horrible because I would just be really upset and feel like something was missing, but that is expected because I used to talk to that person a lot so it was sort of a habit almost. But I told myself that what I was doing was for the long term gain and that I wasn't going to be finding happiness where I lost it, I started to find coping strategies and acknowledge that yes I did feel hurt but I can get over it. Surprisingly, after downloading this quitting app that tracks the amount of hours you quit your certain thing helped me a lot. It almost acts like a reward system whenever I log into the app and see the amount of hours or days. But also doing research like watching inspirational videos whether it be Dhar Man or Jay Shetty or even asking myself what would happen if I went back and even said I was sorry, this whole thing would happen again- we would fight and I would be upset so I would much rather experience this pain now rather than let it affect me for longer. But also hanging out with my friends for the first few days helped also to numb the pain and loneliness for a while, but after 4-5 days, you develop a new habit so it goes to the back of your head and life moves on.
It is great that you have been able to talk with your friends about this and that they have been really supportive. It sounds like that support has been really valuable for you over this past few days. I agree that there is not always an easy fix to some situations, in these instances, time can help us to heal. I hope that you are feeling better than you did a few days ago, and that you continue to feel better about this situation.
Hey @Ballerina I feel you, losing close people is so painful. It must have been really hard for you to break away from that relationship and you mentioned that you know you made the right decision. I just wanted to acknowledge how strong that is of you to do. In saying that it doesn't make it any easier to deal with losing a friend you had feelings for. Do you have any other friends you'd feel comfortable talking to about this?
Yes I do! I have been talking to my friends about it but I find it almost has to come from within. My friends have been really supportive and checking up on me, but I feel like there is no easy fix which is unfortunate.
I just wanted to check in to see how you are going since you have last replied here. I hope you are doing well and that you are finding that with time you are adjusting to no longer having this person have such an active role in your life.
Best wishes,
JullyBean
Hey @JullyBean for asking. Unfortunately, it has not been going well. He said that he wanted to talk because he has social anxiety disorder and so that's why he has been treating me that way. He then proceeded to do the same thing and this time round, he has started to say things behind my back calling me mean names. I feel like this whole situation is toxic and I am beginning to be influenced by it. I feel angry that I let him treat me this way but I don't know what to do about it.
I'm sorry to hear that your friend is treating you this way. It is good that you have recognised that the situation is toxic and can acknowledge that you are being influenced by it because this shows you that you want to make a change for yourself for the better. When I have faced similar situations I try to remind myself that what is being said behind my back is less important to anyone else other than me. A passing comment said to someone else will probably go over their head and they will likely know that he is saying negative things because you have distanced yourself from your friendship.
I also like to remind myself that feeling angry about it is only upsetting me more instead of solving the issue. Have you tried confronting him about what he is saying behind your back? I know it sounds scary and confrontation is something I personally struggle with so I understand it is easier said than done. However, I tend to write out my thoughts as if I'm going to send it to the person by typing everything i'm feeling angry about onto a document. I will then let it stay there for a few days and come back to it and read it again. After this I realise that a lot of what I had written, I no longer want to say. However, it feels like I have gotten the frustration out of my mind in a sense. As for the things I still want to say, I would either send a message or arrange to catch up to discuss things. Is there a similar task you could do to let some frustration out? It could involve any hobby that lets you get your thoughts out (drawing, lyric writing, journalling?).
If you don't feel comfortable talking to him just yet about the situation, you could give yourself a week or so to decide what you want to do. I often find that by removing myself from the situation and giving myself a bit of time that I find some clarity about the next step I want to take. An approach to take could be not thinking about the outcome, but rather thinking of the process so for example I would ask myself "Do I feel comfortable meeting up with this person to discuss the problem?" not "But what if he gets angry if I say x z y".
Do you have any idea of what step you could take next?
Hey @JullyBean, your advice sounds wonderful!
I have already tried to confront him about it but he kept saying that he was anxious because he has social anxiety disorder so, he was distracted and gave me minimal answers. Im not sure what to do honestly.
Hey @Ballerina
That sounds really hard, I'm sorry you have had to deal with this. It seems like you are really trying but he is being quite difficult to engage in a proper and honest conversation with you. Have you tried taking a step back and focusing on putting effort into other friendships in your life? Do you think you would benefit from giving him some time to himself and waiting to see if he comes to you when he is ready to properly talk? You could even mention that you're doing that if you felt upto it.
Hi @Ballerina, I just want to check in with how you're going today, it seems like @JullyBean has given some cool suggestions that you're thinking about taking on board. It sounds like you're trying to have chats with this person, but things are really tricky, what are you looking to get out of these conversations with him?
You also mentioned earlier in this thread that you were using a quitting app, I'm wondering if you're still using it and how you're finding it? Sounds really interesting - I'm always interested to learn more about apps and tools people find helpful 
