I am having a hard time
I am really struggling with some thoughts at the moment and I really am not sure what to do. I keep thinking that everyone around me has been planted and they aren’t really people well they are like people but they are controlled by others and I am scared that these others are trying to trick me into staying with them it is complicated but I feel like they are putting things in my head and can hear what I am thinking and that they are putting stuff in my food to help them get into my head and to make me feel weird and I heard some of them talking and I am just super stressed about all of this and I can’t talk to anyone about this because I can’t trust anyone and they can’t know that I know and it is really hard to explain and I thought this would just go away but it isn’t and I am not sure what to do.
That sounds really upsetting and stressful
It can be such a sinking feeling when you realise you have made a mistake. I can tell that it is causing you a significant amount of worry at the moment. I hope that it goes okay when you do have that chat with them.You have a lot going on so it is understandable that you are feeling a lot of effects from that.. which I am sorry to hear about because it can just make things a lot more difficult.
@MB95 I can’t answer those questions.
@Bre-RO Thanks.
I am still feeling terrible but now I am scared cause I was stupid and sent something to my psych and I know they will ask about it and don’t want them to because I can’t answer the questions that they will have. I keep doing stupid things, i am so tired I didn’t sleep much and I am so stressed about everything and I want to cry and I can’t I want to scream and I need I cant take all of this. I really don’t know.
Aw @Eden1717
The fear you're experiencing really comes through in your words here. My heart is going out to you. I can't imagine how exhausted you're feeling right now, with everything you've had to handle over the past few weeks and what you've described here. What I do know for sure is that you are one of the most resilient young people I have come across.
Thinking of you and hope to hear from you today if you're feeling up to it
That's understandable @Eden1717 and I wish things weren't so difficult for you and you had a safe place. When you say they will torment you until you give them what they want, what is it that they want? Are you able to share? And when they get into your head what sorts of things do they say to you? I'm just interested that's all. I understand if you don't feel safe sharing but I really would love to hear if you feel comfortable. Also wondering how and what sorts of things they do to punish you? You are so strong to be able to deal with all of this on your own whilst also supporting others. You really are.
@Maddy-RO @MB95 thanks, running is not something I can do. It is not just like a feeling that no where is safe literally no where is safe. Because I am not this is the wrong place and everyone here isn’t really a real person they just look like people but they aren’t and they can get into my head and they are always watching me and trying to do things to me so I give them what they want but if I do that or something bad will happen but they will keep me here and torment me here for the rest of forever or until I give them what they want. Everywhere I go they are there and they are watching and waiting and if I do anything bad or that they don’t want I get punished. Even people on here are probably not people just more of them listening trying to see if I have let my guard down. There is no where that is safe and I can’t I am trying to keep in their lines but it is hard and I am tired and everything keeps changing around me and I really don’t know I did screw everything up and I am stuck here now because of my screwing up.
I'm sorry to hear your mums comment has upset you so much, if you are willing to share we are willing to listen!
As for not being able to find a safe place, I can only imagine how that would feel. I've been there a few times where nothing seems to feel safe or comforting and it's terrible. This is a bit out there and if you're anything like me the idea will probs freak you out, but have you ever thought of going for a run? When I am so worked up and things become too much something in me tells me I need to run as fast and hard as I can, or punch and kick and scream! The idea of it overwhealms me though so I've never actually found it in me to do it which sucks cause I can only imagine how satisfying it would feel to release some of the built up emotions. So just wondering if you've tried it before? You probs have but I'm not sure? If you have do you feel like sharing the experience with me?
I'm sure you don't screw everything up. I know it often feels that way but I'm sure your family would see it differently? Do you mind sharing what it is you feel like you've stuffed up and is your fault ?
Aw @Eden1717 You're trying so hard at the moment and it sucks that the comment has affected you a lot. It seems like you've taken all you can take, and that you don't have any internal resources left right now, which must be a real struggle. It also must be really difficult to feel like you're constantly screwing things up . It sounds like you're feeling quite defeated, overwhelmed, and like everything is just too much of an effort at the moment - is that right? Just know that I really do feel for you and hope that things get better soon.
@Janine-RO I have been watching tv and I did some drawing and I am trying so hard and I thought maybe I might have done enough to not completely freak out tonight but now one comment from my mother and I feel like I am about to snap any second. I haven’t been able to speak to or look at anyone since she said it except my dog but I literally cannot take this shit anymore I am so freaking tired and I don’t have anything left in me to keep dealing with everything. This is all my fault they told me they freaking told me and I still couldn’t get it done and now it is all happening everything is happening just how they said it was going to and I don’t know what to do anymore why do I screw everything up. I can’t take this I can’t.
Hi @Eden1717 ,
I can hear how frightening and overwhelming those thoughts are for you, and I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I really admire how open, honest and brave you are in sharing what you're going through, having that kind of all consuming fear of people must be incredibly distressing.
I'm sorry that self-harming is the only thing that is helping to calm you down at the moment. I remember that in the past you've said that sometimes distractions like watching TV or listening to music can help you. Is that something that you could try today?
@Janine-RO Nothing I am doing is helping as far as calming me down except self harming.
@MB95 I don’t know there was a lot going on and it is hard to explain. My fear of people is complicated but it is literally all people and even when people aren’t physically near me I am still scared of them. There is no place that I can go because the things that are scaring me are literally everywhere and also inside me and I cannot leave my own body at least not in a way that would mean I wouldn’t have them there. They would still find me. Even people on here scare me to an extent, but I guess that depends on if people are people at all, either way there is no place here that is ‘safe’ maybe not anywhere it is hard to explain. And it isn’t really my place to say.
Hey @Eden1717 , it sounds like you're sitting in a really tough space at the moment, I'm so sorry to hear that things are so tough. You show so much strength and resilience, I know at times when I've had a rough time mentally I've been absolutely exhausted, sometimes it feels like I have run a marathon - and I guess that in a way, you have been. Does that make sense?
@MB95 thanks so much for sharing what works for you, that's really excellent advice - I think that being in nature can be so soothing and grounding for so many people, I also find that being near the water, or in nature to be a place that's really grounding for me. I also love to swim in the ocean. As you say, everyone has a different place where they feel safe.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's understandable that you're exhausted, and I hope you can do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe and have some mental time out. Is there anything that you find helpful at times like this, or ways you like to self-soothe?
Do you feel like sharing what it is you did and what has been going on for you so I can understand a little more? Like what did you get up to today? Was there something in particular you noticed that heightened these feelings?
Panic attacks are the bloody worst!!! And I hate that they can trigger you to disassociate - that's also never a fun time! So I definately feel for you.
I know you say there isn't a whole lot that helps you, but is there anything you enjoy doing that you can engage in to try and bring you back into the present moment a little?
What brings on your fear of people do you think? Have you got a safe place you often go to hide out when things get out of control? I know my psych and I set up a place for me. Mine is at one of our local parks so I can be out in nature - it often helps me bring myself back from disassociating completely. Everyone will have a different safe place and it won't always work, but just wondering if you have one? Could even just be your bedroom?
@Janine-RO Thanks
@MB95 I did something I haven’t in a while that I had promised myself I would not do and a lot has been happening, I keep having panic attacks and dissociating and I have been hearing things and things are happening that I can’t stop and a bunch of stuff I can’t say and I am exhausted and everything is a complete mess. Plus I keep getting scared of the people around me and people in general.
I felt the exact same way when I moved away @Eden1717 - it's strange but somehow I felt like I'd grown closer to my family.. not quite sure why it works out that way but it often does!
What's happened? Hope you're okay!
@Eden1717 I hear you, and I hope that you can keep expressing yourself here. There's a lot of us here who care about you.
I hear how exhausting it must be for you, and I'm really sorry if you feel like people aren't comfortable when you post here. I know that sometimes, people may stay away from the forums, or from the tough times posts, if they're having a rough time themselves, or feel like they want to say the 'right' thing.
I think what you've said here is so honest, and such an incredibly important reminder to all of us that just being listened to can be SO powerful. I know I've had times in my life where I've felt completely alone, and it's a really tough space to sit in. So please know that we are here for you.
@Janine-RO Yes I don't want advice here I just want to not feel so alone and to be able to express myself. even my irl friends have said they have not spoken to me because they didnt know what to do. i never wanted them to do anything except to act normal around me and just to hang out like normal people. people are constantly trying to fix it or find solutions even my parents when i never asked them too the only people i ever expect anything remotely like solutions from is my professional supports and even then i dont expect a lot. it is exhausting having to hide things 24/7 and i just want a place where i dont have to do that but then when i do post how i really feel it seems like no one is comfortable. i just feel like no one gets it and i really need someone who gets it.
on another note it seems like everything is going to shit again. everything is a problem now and i am not coping .
@MB95 well i am not 2yrs old anymore so naturally I am more independent but moving away was hard, I am still close with my family but it is complicated. my parents try their best but a lot of the time they have made things worse and actually living away from them i have a better relationship with them.
I've just been catching up on this thread, I just have to say that I think that both of you are amazing.
@Eden1717 I can really understand the feelings of frustration, I think you articulated it here perfectly when you said
"Most of the time I don’t come here for advice, I know there is nothing anyone can do even my professional supports tell me there is nothing left to do and nothing else I can try. I come here to feel like I have a place where I can say what is on my mind whiteout being punished and to feel like people can relate/care/listen.
To me, I think that really is one of the things at the heart of what this community is for - and I really hope that this can remain a safe space for you to vent, express what you're going through, and get support.
This forum is full of really empathetic and caring people, and I'm wondering if sometimes people can stay away from some posts, because they feel like they should be able to 'fix' things, but don't know how to. Or they may be worried about saying the 'wrong' thing, or worried that they will somehow make things worse. But as you've said - often, we don't need or want someone to offer solutions, we do just need to be heard - does that fit with how you feel?
Thanks for sharing so much of your experiences here @Eden1717 , I can imagine it must be exhausting, and sometimes frustrating having engaged with so many different professionals, different systems and different treatment types over the last 20 years. You show a huge amount of strength and courage here, and I hope this can continue to be a safe space for you.
I'm not going to try to get you to not take on the guilt completely because from experience I know that's pretty much impossible but I do hope you're able to find some peace with it. I am sure they would opt to pay again if it meant it gave you a chance at trying to work through things because they love and care about you.
I completely understand and respect you not wanting to share much of it but if you ever feel like you want too, I will listen. And I will try my best not to let you down.
It sounds like you have very supportive parents. Would you say you're close with your family? And do you still experience heightened anxiety when you're away from your mum? Or have you learnt some coping mechanisms that help you a bit with this?
Cause I remember you said you go to uni in another state? I could only imagine that would amplify the anxiety for you?
@MB95 But I do feel guilty my family has gone without so much because we never have enough money and that has stressed my mum out so much and the thing is it hasn’t made this better for me it was like I wasted that money because it didn’t make things better nothing made things better.
Yes 2 is young but my parents were very concerned I wouldn’t be able to go to school, I was so anxious I wouldn’t let my mum go anywhere without me, I didn’t sleep properly and screamed a lot, my older sister often says she missed a lot of sleep as a child because I wouldn’t stop screaming, I was scared of everyone outside of my family, I had nightmares when I did sleep and my mum says I was seeing things that no one else was but I don’t remember that part so much. There was a lot of other things but I don’t want to go into them. Basically my parents didn’t feel they had a choice.
I get it. And I'm sorry if I upset you in any way, I know you've been putting in a lot of effort, I didn't mean it to sound as though you weren't, I just thought I'd try and share some of what I often need to see if it may help in any way. I cannot imagine how tired and fed up you must be after trying so many things. I totally understand you not wanting to put yourself through the pain of trying them again only to have them not work again. I do get that. And I'm sorry if I seemed pushy. Sometimes I just need a massive kick up the ass to actually give things a go and not be so shut off to it all and other times I'm a lot like you where I've tried it so much that when people keep suggesting it it frustrates me because I know it doesn't work so I'm not going to bother with it and it's like no one is listening or understands. So I am hearing you. I just wanted to see if maybe sometimes you're like me in the other way that you just shut off and reject people. But now I know you're not, I won't mention it again 😊
As for feeling guilty about the time and money spent on trying to get things right for yourself.. don't be!! I know it's so much easier said than done because I am alot the same in this way and share the same sort of guilt, but honestly, at the end of the day if that money and time is being spent on you trying to get better and feel happy and safe within yourself then I totally believe it's 100% worth spending! So try not to take on guilt for it okay?
I also wanted to mention about how you said you posted on here for 24hrs and no one responded or high fived it? I'm sorry you felt as though no one was there or listening! I know for me personally, I will not high five a post unless I am going to respond. That doesn't mean I haven't read it though and related to it. Sometimes it's too close to home that I can't find it in me to reply right away and other times I don't have the time to so I don't because I'm someone who likes to take time and respond properly. So I'm sure others are this way too. I just don't like to high five without replying because I'm worried it upsets people that I don't take the time to respond. So would it help if I high fived when I read your messages? Even if I'm not going to respond all the time? Cause if that is going to help you then I'm happy to do it 😊
Also, I want to make sure I have this right.. you started on meds when you were 2yrs old? I'm just wondering if you'd feel comfortable to share why? I just personally find this such a young age and kind of a dangerous thing to be doing with kids because they haven't fully developed yet? I'm just curious as to why. If I am crossing any lines please feel free to tell me or just not answer as I don't want to cause you any more distress!!
@MB95 I know what you mean but honestly this has been happening on here for the few years I have been on here so I don’t think it is just people going through a rough time. I get that does happen but I don’t think that is the only reason. Also as for sharing more I literally tried a few days ago and I posted something and it was up for like 24 hours and not a single response not even 1 high five to say someone even bothered to read it. Then I just asked the mods to delete it because it was making me feel horrible looking at it. And I don’t think you were here then but I did used to post a lot more about what was going on and the same thing happened people didn’t want to hear it. As for the “shutting people down” I am sure it seems like that but genuinely I am just being honest if something doesn’t work for me then I am not going to pretend it does and it isn’t like I haven’t tried the thing I have tried them. I am 22 now and the first time I was on psych meds I was 2 years old so for at least the last 20 years I have been in the system and trying anything and everything I have tried thing over and over and over and over for years and years and years, I kept trying even when the things weren’t helping and when they were making things much worse for me. I went back and tried again and again. I have been in and out of hospitals private and public I cannot put a number on the amount of money my parents and I have spent on therapies of different kinds, but it would easily be over $50k possibly a lot more but I don’t want to think too much about that because I will feel too guilty. I have seen all sorts of professionals, I have tried self help books I have tried peer support stuff. I kept trying even when the services that were supposed to help me abused me instead. I tried and tried hoping and hoping that a different person might have something new to offer something I hadn’t tried I broke and broke and broke again, I got up and tried again still nothing.
Then after all this everyone just got annoyed at me “ you should be better you have been given the tools” , “you mustn’t have tried hard enough to use the skills we gave you you aren’t trying hard enough to get better”, “you should be better by now you must just be here for attention” all of that trying and hard work just led me to realizing that nobody could do anything to help and I either suffer in silence or risk getting locked up and hurt by the system again. So when people here say we’ll have you tried writing things down, yes I have, I have 7 full journals of writing. When they say have I tried distracting myself, yes I have been busy doing that all day. I am not expecting people to be experts here or to know how to help. But I am not the kind of person to say no unless I have already tried it multiple times and it didn’t work. And I will not pretend that something is helping when it isn’t. I am not opposed to being vulnerable on here. I think perhaps people are misunderstanding me. I am not trying to shut down people’s suggestions but I also don’t want to lie to them. I am also not asking for suggestions from people I just want to have people who can listen and relate and somewhere I can vent my feelings I don’t ask for suggestions I just want to feel like people are listening and that the understand I never really ask for people to tell me how to fix things because that probably isn’t reasonable on this forum.
My dog is a poodle. I am hoping to go overseas to use the language some day.
I'm really sorry that you feel so alone and out of place. And it really upsets me that the professionals you have seen say that there is nothing left to do. I don't know about you, but I know that to hear someone say that, particularly a professional it would be pretty soul crushing. So I really do feel for you. And I promise I'm not just saying it. I can actually feel it in my chest at the moment because I know what it feels like to be so alone and have people give up on you. I'm not saying the professionals have given up on you, but I know it can often feel that way when they say such things. I really do wish there was something I could do to help!! I am always here to listen though. And I know I am guilty of not always replying to your posts but please don't ever take it as me not listening or wanting to help because I do. I know I can only speak for myself here, but I'll often read peoples posts and genuinely feel for them and want to comment but majority of the time I don't have it in me because I am struggling myself. So I am sure it's got more to do with the readers why they aren't responding than it does to do with you if that makes sense?
Is there a reason why you can't share a lot of your experiences with us? I know you feel like you scare people off if you do but what if you didn't scare us off? I get the feeling you've been hurt so much in the past that you really struggle to trust people and let them in completely with the fear of being left alone again and feeling as though no one cares? I know you've shared a lot of your experiences already, and I think it is incredibly brave of you to continue to do so, but have you thought of sharing more to help others understand a bit better?
I really hope this doesn't come across as rude or mean or anything because I promise you that is not my intention!!! So please understand that. I only want to help. But I have noticed a lot that when people do try and respond and jump in on your posts to provide support it's almost like you shut them down and won't accept their help or suggestions? I really don't mean this in a bad way, and if it helps, I do the exact same in real life! And half the time I don't even realise I am doing it because I am so caught up in my own head and issues that I can't see that people really are there wanting to help me. I had to have it pointed out to me to realise. It's a trust thing. And I think I remember you saying that you aren't great with trusting people? But I'm just wondering if you might be able to try and trust us a little and give us more of a chance to listen and help? I'm not saying we will be able to heal things, but we might be able to help in some other ways by reducing that feeling of being so alone and isolated? Because no one wants to feel that way!!
It's obviously completely up to you what you share, but I do encourage you to have a think about it and maybe when you are experiencing the thoughts etc. the next time and someone responds to your post to try and push yourself to share more rather than shutting it down? I know it's hard and being vulnerable SUCKS especially after being let down so much in the past. But I honestly think that if you're willing to open up a little more and take on suggestions to help and give them a go (even if you've tried them once or twice before) then you'll find you might start to feel less alone with your thoughts? I understand you say it's not safe to share them with us all the time etc. but even in times like that if you can explain what's not safe and why we might be able to understand and support you a little better? Idk if any of this is making sense so I'm just going to leave it there. But please know you are not alone and we are here to listen. And I truly mean that ❤
I also didn't ask any of those questions to distract you, I am genuinely interested in getting to know you so I hope that's okay and it didn't come across as me trying to change the subject! Cause I totally get how much that sucks!! But that's so cool you're learning an Asian language 😊 Do you reckon you'll travel over and use the language one day?
You also have so many animals! That's awesome!! What kind of dog do you have? I really miss my dog 😔
I hope my message is okay and doesn't upset you. I'm just trying to be honest with you and help where I can. I hope tonight hasn't been too difficult for you ❤
@MB95 Most of the time I don’t come here for advice, I know there is nothing anyone can do even my professional supports tell me there is nothing left to do and nothing else I can try. I come here to feel like I have a place where I can say what is on my mind whiteout being punished and to feel like people can relate/care/listen. I often feel very alone as there are very few people I know who have the same issues as myself and it is hard to be experiencing things the way I do when you have to constantly hide things or ignore things or pretend that you are experiencing the world the same way as the people around you. And I guess maybe it is unreasonable but I feel like more and more on here I am different and being that this is supposed to be somewhere where everyone is different it is weird to still feel different. Even though I know no one here is exactly the same but often I feel like the things I want to talk about no one can relate to and then if I do bring them up my feeling are confirmed because no one except the mods answer or someone does try but then when I go into more detail they just disappear.
The mods are great and all but when they are the only ones replying it just reminds me that yes I am alone and I feel like they are just replying because they have to or feel bad that no one else has. I am not saying that is the case but it is how it makes me feel. I am not saying I don’t appreciate the mods I do and I don’t want them to not reply but it just really keeps hitting home how alone and out of place I feel all the time. Not just here everywhere, I am so tired of hiding what is in my head and what I experience but then when I share I am met with scilence or a “wow that is a lot let’s talk about something else like a distraction or something else I am more familiar with” type of response. It makes me feel like I am not really welcome to be myself anywhere or at anytime. People share about how they are depressed or anxious or their daily struggles like school or work or family all the time on here, and yeah a lot of those I can relate to as well but then my unseen world the stuff that takes up so much of my life I cannot share or if I do no one else wants to go near me. Even on here I feel somewhat unwelcome, I am not saying deliberately or that anyone is making me feel that way but the subtle cues that I get everywhere I go are that some parts of me are not welcome or not something people want to talk about.
As for your questions I am studying a few different languages but the one I am learning at uni right now is an Asian language. I am studying a Bachelor of Arts. When I go back to uni is complicated, I have a lot of pets, a rabbit, dog, fish and birds and I used to have pet mice and I had a horse for a while.
