I desire to be self-sufficient so I never feel lonely again
I don't want to rely on people. I want to be independent. I mean people are often busy with their own lives so you can't rely on them all the time. Even if I can reach out to people sometimes I am afraid I'll be invalidated, not heard, or maybe they won't want to talk about it. I mean who wants to talk about more suffering when there is already enough suffering in the world? And worse of all, some people might take advantage of my weaknesses. I want to feel content with the fact I have nobody to turn to because I am self-sufficient.
Comments
It sounds like you are hurting at the moment, and might be feeling like you can't rely on other people. I have definitely felt this way before, it sucks feeling like people haven't got time for you or don't hear you. I think it's really great you want to be independent and self-sufficient. I'm wondering though if there is anyone in your life who you feel that you can rely on or who hears you?
Hey there @Beautifullybroken
I think a lot of people can relate to that desire to be independent. A lot of us have been let down by others in our life and it can be hard to trust people after some negative experiences. Its really sad to hear that you might have had experiences where someone has taken advantage of you after you were vulnerable with them. Has there been an experience in particular that made you feel this way? I think sometimes people do connect through talking about their own suffering with other people because pain and suffering is a relatable human experience. I hope you are doing okay today 
How are you working towards becoming more independent and resilient?
@MisoBear I'm feeling better today. I spoke to my KHL counsellor yesterday, that helped. I don't feel ready to talk to friends and family yet.
Hey @Beautifullybroken , I'm proud of you for speaking to your counsellor but also recognising your boundaries in who you feel comfortable speaking to at the moment. Don't feel that you have to tell anybody but your counsellor until your ready and feel that people will listen, but you can always test the waters a little bit to see if people might be open to listening. Sometimes I ask people I trust "I'm wondering if you feel like you feel able to listen to some emotionally heavy stuff right now? If you don't, that's okay too." That way it gives people a way to opt-in, rather than detach or glaze over when they're not emotionally available to listen. It also gives you more freedom to speak when you have gained consent from the person. Do you think this is something you might be able to try yourself?
Just know that there are many people on here that care about you and are opening to listening. Your emotions might be difficult right now, but the first step of being able to better cope with your emotions is to recognise that they exist and that they are temporary, which you've done and should be so proud of. Many people don't even get to that stage!
I'm on medication for migraines. I've gotten the flu shot, but it has really prevented me from getting sick. My sleep hasn't always been great lately. But I'm sleeping alright now.
I would second that it might be helpful to speak to a professional about those feelings, it might be useful just to check in if they're concerning you. When I feel detached from my body, I try to isolate the feeling in my toes right up to my scalp. If I concentrate really hard on the sensations it can help me reconnect. I also find being in nature can really help with this. Feeling the wind on my face or the dirt under my bare feet, or even being in a warm bath sometimes is good too. How are you going now?
I can talk to my KHL counsellor about balancing being too self-reliant and too independent as well as the disconnection I feel so often. My psychiatrist appointment is next month. I can call KHL in the meantime.
@Beautifullybroken I definitely resonate with feelings of loneliness. Because I'm undertaking Honours at uni, I'm constantly locked away studying. I'm naturally extroverted...like if I could spend time with other people all the time I would (I actually really don't enjoy being alone for extended periods). Right now my partner is away and I really miss him. I know you said loneliness is quite natural to you now but is there anything you have done in the past that helps you to feel less lonely? Also coming on the forums is a great step 🙂
@MisoBear uni can be tough, it's hard to not fall under the pressure. I hope it works out well for you. Uni can be challenging when you're not feeling the best. I had to undertake part time for that reason. I don't think I'm in the right state to complete my coursework and thesis. I'll leave the joy of writing up my thesis for next yr. I need to work on my physical and mental health.
I think it does help to try to connect to people. Come on forums, socialise with friends and family.
@Beautifullybroken sounds like you're really in touch with your needs and what your boundaries are at the moment. I think a thesis is such a big undertaking that it's a good idea to undertake it when you feel you're able to fully commit to it, and that in doing so you're not going to compromise other areas of your life too much.
That's so great that you're trying to connect with people too. I'm glad it helps you feel a bit better.
that it sounds like things are not very hopeful for you at the moment, that
you're feeling alone and that you're feeling very cut off from others. I'm
also acknowledging that you coming onto the forums, especially after a
period of time away from them, can't have been easy for you. I am hearing
that it's difficult for you to express how you're feeling to others, and
that sometimes it can feel easier to keep things bottled up.
I agree with you that it is true that we are alone, but I also want to let
you know that humans are social creatures. We do need meaningful social
connection, even if it's just with one person we trust. I acknowledge that
you feel like everyone is broken, and to an extent that is probably true.
Everyone does have their cross to bear in life, things will never be
perfect in life, but there's a crack in everything, and that's how the
light gets in. It's only by sharing our brokenness, like you are bravely
doing with me, that we can support and lift each other up. I want you to
know that it's okay to be vulnerable with other people. It's hard to trust
when we've been let down, which I acknowledge you have in the past. But do
you think you might be able to do one thing today to share how you're
feeling with someone else?
@MisoBear I'm doing okay at the moment. When I do feel overwhelmed, I could start off by saying I'm stressed and overwhelmed. It's a pretty normal thing for uni students.
@Beautifullybroken, that's good to hear. You've been getting through the days even though you've got a lot on your plate. I think acknowledging what you're feeling is a great first step.
You're right, it is very normal for uni students to be stressed. I was telling my boyfriend the other day that I felt really stupid for being so stressed out about uni and he was like "um...uni is freaking stressful! my life is so much better now I've graduated!". It's was this amazing acknowledgement that I'm not just "being weak" or "complaining even though I shouldn't complain", that actually yes, uni is very stressful but I will get through it, and so will you!
In my experience, if you're feeling stressed about uni it's probably because you deeply care about succeeding. While we can defs find good strategies to manage stress so it doesn't take over, a little bit of stress I think is inevitable (at least in a high-pressure academic environment like uni), and so I acknowledge it and thank it for motivating me to do better, while simultaneously recognizing that it will pass eventually. But making time for self-care is also a great tool for stress management and it sounds like you have a few good activities in place that can help you.
Hey there @Beautifullybroken
Just wanted to let you know that is good to see you back on forum despite not feeling the best. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you juggling loneliness, shame and anxiety. In saying that I can see that you are being resilient in connecting with this community. Even though you feel that maybe some battles are meant to be lonely ones I'd just like to reiterate that this is a safe space you can always visit to share the weight when it gets too much.
Also by sharing your emotions (which isn't an easy task) you make others feel a little less alone - so thank you for your honesty
You mentioned earlier that reaching out to other people can be hard and you'd prefer to be self sufficient. Do you have any activities/hobbies you can do independently to help with offloading emotions?
You said you were reluctant to come on the forums today due to feeling unwell. Sorry for jumping in this thread - I just wanted to say we're glad that you did manage to come on. You have provided some awesome support for users today, so thank you.
All good about the late reply, we know how busy life can get @Beautifullybroken. It really sucks to hear that all of these things are so very difficult for you.. I don't blame you for feeling worn down and exhausted. Have you had this experience of detachment before? Do you have any idea as to what it might be related to? I think there is value in what you have said about being self-reliant and independent. There is a balance between being too self-reliant and being too dependent. For example, seeking support from others if desirable but also being able to use your own problem solving and coping strategies too. There is no harm in seeking support from others and we also want to remain mindful of withdrawing ourselves. It does vary individually and on what you are going through - this topic in itself is really complex. Is this something you have talked to your KHL counselor about? It seems like it could be worth exploring at length with a professional, given you have had some previous experiences with this
Glad to hear your sleep has improved. It is a pretty sensitive topic to me, I love sleep and it is one of my top requirements. So I can relate on my own level about poor sleep impacting you significantly 
