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My grandpa died this morning & I need to rant

 

So my grandpa died this morning and I need to rant.

 

Ok so a bit of backstory, I was really close to my grandpa he was like my parent as a kid when my parents divorced I lived with them for years and he and my nana live next door so I see them everyday, he was my favourite relative. He was diagnosed with skin cancer about 5 months ago and he was in a lot of pain and was in hospital for a while but he was slowly getting better but then they found out he had cancer in his lymph system that it was aggressive and was incurable that was less than 3 months ago. He was really depressed and lost 50kg in a month and has been in and out of hospital and in pain and he has been really mean, grumpy and depressed for a few months. Last week he got pneumonia and went into hospital and has been there since and he just wanted to die so he wouldn't let the doctors treat the pneumonia so they just kept him comfortable.

I have been really detached and unfeeling since we found out he was sick and I was fine I didn't feel anything unlike the rest of my family who have been sad and worried. I went to see him last night and he was unresponsive so we just sat there and the others were talking to him but I didn't because it made me uncomfortable and  didn't know what to say or do. My parents told me he died this morning and I just went oh ok and went back to sleep and was fine all day I studied did a test and went to uni all fine and I haven't cried until I wrote this & IDK why? maybe because he hasn't been himself since and it feels like he was already gone, maybe its because I'm mad at him for not letting them treat him, maybe something is wrong with me idk, I'm ok and then I remember I'll never see him again and its strange, I didn't even go see the body I just went back to bed. I hate showing feeling in front of people especially family so I will never cry in front of them or tell them how I feel.

Sorry about the rant I don't really know what the point is.

Re: My grandpa died this morning & I need to rant

Hey @Charlie-29-1999, I'm sorry for your loss. Firstly, I would like to say welcome to RO, and thank you so much for sharing. It must not have been easy. It sounds like a lot emotions were surfaced, what sort of things do you like to do as part of your self-care?

I hope you managed to get some good rest. How are you feeling?

Here to listen Heart

 

 

Re: My grandpa died this morning & I need to rant

I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather's passing, @Charlie-29-1999

It's not unusual to feel a bit detached, numb, or dulled, after losing someone you love.  It's a very big thing to process with so many conflicting thoughts & feelings involved, and there is no right or wrong way to act.  You'll cry when you're ready (or maybe you won't, and that's fine too).  One thing that is really helpful is what you're already doing and that's talking -  or writing - about it. 

Welcome to ReachOut, we're here if you need us.  Heart

Re: My grandpa died this morning & I need to rant

hi @Charlie-29-1999 and welcome to RO 

im really sorry for your loss, i understand those. i lost my grandmother only a few days ago but only found out today and i lost my nan 2 yrs ago coming up to her aniversary in a few week. . it takes time to grieve and we all do it in our own way. there is no right or wrong way to adjust so please dont be too hard on yourself, or pressure yourself to be ok all at once. youll go through different phases some quicker than others and thats ok too. 

please keep talking here, we are here and listening Heart 

**NEVER be afraid to ask for help because you're WORTH it!**
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Re: My grandpa died this morning & I need to rant

Hi @Charlie-29-1999, I'm really sorry for your loss. It's so true what @Lola-RO and @scared01 have said about the grieving process. Everyone is very different and it is a very complex emotional time. It's really good that you're able to talk about these thoughts and feelings that you've been having, it's a really good step. As @honky has said self-care is super important during this time.
How have you been feeling today?
Here for you Heart

Re: My grandpa died this morning & I need to rant

Hi @honky & @missep thanks for the reply, sorry I didn't reply sooner I have been really busy with university. I honestly don't really know what counts as self care so I don't think I have a self care routine. I sometimes write in my journal as a way of trying to deal with my Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Hypochondria (I don't do this as frequently as medication is helping with it) I also see a therapist but other than that I don't really do self care. Im at uni all day then spend about 5-10 hours a day studying just to keep up with my workload at uni so I don't have much time for self care and I'm not in any groups or clubs or social groups at uni (though I probably should be) I pretty much just study, play video games and watch Netflix. I have been doing ok I think it's partially because i'm so busy with uni. I have been crying kind of periodically & I cried a little at the funeral. But in general I have been feeling ok 

Re: My grandpa died this morning & I need to rant

Hello @Charlie-29-1999, my condolences for your loss. I think its good to remember that people express grief in different ways, so I don’t think that there’s anything ‘wrong’ with how you reacted and processed that information.

 

When I think about self care, I’m thinking about activities which you enjoy and that you do to look after yourself and I guess ‘give yourself a break from the world’ so to speak. So things like journaling, playing video games and watching Netflix would certainly count as self care if you find that they make you feel better. It is good to get into a regular self care routine, just too make sure that your mind and body are having that break that you need and deserve.

 

I hope this helps you, and please keep us updated with how you’re going. Heart

Re: My grandpa died this morning & I need to rant

Uni does definitely take over our lives @Charlie-29-1999! Good job with staying on top of it. I'm glad you've been feeling okay. I consider playing video games and watching Netflix as self-care things! I do that when I need to take care of myself and it helps to make myself feel better. Does it help to make you feel a bit better?
How are you today? Hope you're well!

Re: My grandpa died this morning & I need to rant

hi @Charlie-29-1999 how are you going lately? 

 

**NEVER be afraid to ask for help because you're WORTH it!**