Really struggling to 'Deal' with everything...!
This is maybe a vent post, but I really do feel overwhelmed and have no clue what to do.
I'm a year 11,full time student with a lot of issues at home. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for years, and since last year, it's been steadily worsening.
I feel lost.
I feel horrible at school, and horrible at home. Theres little time away from either. Lately I've been really sick, physically- vomiting, sore throat, etc, and my mum keeps mocking me for it and making me feel even worse.
In June, I was referred by my psychiatrist to a day program, but lots of stuff got mixed up, and I've only been put on the back of the substantial waiting list now.
I keep sinking into pits of despair, and the smallest things make me cry, and I might just lie on the floor and not feel able to get up. I just feel like I'm about to hit a breaking point.
I can't talk to my parents about it- maybe my dad, but he doesnt get it, and mum would find out id been talking to him 'behind her back' anyway. I have older sisters, but ones stressed with VCE and the other, who I don't live with, is busy with work and I feel like I've been bothering her. I don't have close enough friends to talk to- my only close friend doesn't handle these things well. My mum seems to think I'm doing this on purpose, coordinating my feelings to when she's most stressed. But shes always stressed, anyway.
I just...can'tdo schoolwork, or even watch TV. I'm distressed for hours on end, and there's nothing to satiate it. My eatings terrible, I don't get anything out of sleep,no matter how long I sleep.
I just don't know what to do. I'm scared I might end up really hurting my self.
Comments
Ive been dealing with these feelings for years now, so I do have a couple strategies to try to keep the thought of really killing myself at bay- generally, I make lists of events to look forward to like concerts. So at least there's that. However, even though I don't really try to kill myself, I still get preoccupied with the thoughts of doing so. I am scared that one day having a couple of plans to look forward to WONT be enough to stop me, but for today I think I'll be okay.
As I'm writing this I'm actually on my way to a weekly appt with my psychologist, so at Least I have one person to see face to face about all this. Sometimes though I feel like that's not often enough- being able to freely talk for just one hour in a week- and other times, I find it really really difficult to recall events and how I feel, or I feel unable to express it which is where RO can be really helpful!
It's just so so frustrating having a family which feel like just because I'm trying really hard to get better with strategies and coping methods etc means I'm not 'really' sick, and it's not 'that bad'. They often see me taking days off from school as using medical certificates as an excuse to be lazy.
Hello again @holoholo,
I am glad to hear you are okay and thank you for letting us all know so quickly :).
ReachOut is here for you 24/7. There will always be someone here and we will always do our best to reply- and pretty quickly too! However, what we can do here stops before the stuff a Psychologist can do to support a person. I am glad to hear you have a psychologist that you are able to visit every week. That's really awesome. I wonder what else there is out there?
What you and your Psychologist talk about is between you two and up to you two. With that being said, if you wanted to, it's okay to ask them to help you find more people to talk to and more ways to get support. Is that something you would be interested in having a go at?
I like your list of things to look forward to. I am really glad that today - it helped you be okay. Also cat cuddles are the best and i am glad to hear you have a kitty in your life. I am wondering what else you have in your toolbox of things to cope that works for you?
I had a really good chat with my psychologist, and I'll be seeing her again tomorrow.
Today was pretty stressful again- moreso that so many little things kept going wrong, and there had been miscommunication between head of year/teachers in regards to my health and as a result, not always having work completed on time, etc.
I do also see a psychiatrist, but that's strictly speaking mostly for meds- I don't find talkingto him as helpful. However, he is retiring soon so I'll probably be switching over soon. In the long run, that'll maybe help- it's a chance to find someone a bit easier for me to talk to. In the meantime, it's a really scary prospect- I've seen this psychiatrist for 3 years, and it can be hard starting new, having to dig through old things all over again.
In addition, I'mexpected to maybe be off the waiting list and ready for the day program in late ish september. Again, that's a mixed bag, but I think it'll be helpful to get more intensive support and get out of school for a bit- even if the programs just 3 days a week.
Well, I don't have a very full toolbox. Theres the reminders of things to look forward to + cuddles with the cat. Other than that, it's mostly resorted to 'waiting it out', sleeping, watching a show, or drawing.
Generally this means mulling in really horrible feelings for even a few hours.
My fear of my parents discovering me self harming overrides desire to do so- I used to, and they found out, and they didn't handle it wel- it's a painful memory. In addition, I'm already self concious enough of my body to be worrying about scarssso the most I'd do is _______________ to get the anger out. Unfortunately, talking to the limited selection of people (family, friends) often just makes things worse again, so not much of an option 😕
@holoholo We're really liking talking to you. You might not see it this way, but from the outside looking in at least- I think i see that you're building some powerful skills to get through tough times while staying safe and to find your own path to recovery. I think you're becoming an expert on what you need to stay safe, get help, recover and choose where you want to go in life.
What sort of drawing do you do? There's a lot of Mindfulness stuff that you can do that involves drawing and mindful colouring in of things like this gigantic Kitty:
Source: Irish times
Ever tried it? What did you think? I was kind of amazed at how awesome some of the books are and also how good it was at just taking me away from my thoughts and into a different and much more chilled out space. Does it work for you do you think it might?
Also i had to edit your last post @holoholo because we thought maybe it went a bit too far outside the Guidelines I am sorry about that. I left a blank space where the bit was that i had to snip out, if you want to change it a bit then i encourage you!
For most people it would probably be totally okay to read something like that and i don't think you did anything particularly wrong!
Sharing is good and helps a lot of people it's just how we share that can get tricky at times. We have to be careful just in case someone's in a bad place. Sometimes little things become big triggers.
Sorry about that, I was upset when writing the post so I wasn't being as careful as I should've.
I do think I'm finding a lot of ways to help myself, but some of these strategies- such as staying home on days where I'm certain I can't cope with school, don't alway go smoothly due to my parents lack of willingness to understand why im doing that. In that sense, its very frustrating. As time goes on, sometimes it feels like no matter how many strategies I have, it isn't enough, and I can't get better. That really sucks.
I guess I have a really weird mix of independence and dependence- I try to do things myself as much as I can, and isolate myself from my parents negative influence, but I feel very lost and stuck in life- I have no idea what to do with myself, other than scraping by bare minimum until university, where I might hopefully get outta my house.
I draw a lot of 'fanart'- realistic to more cartoonish stuff. Mostly people. I do a lot of random drawings as well, of original designs.
My mum bought me one of those colouring books. I haven't used it yet; I get too impatient with it. I'm not good at staying between the lines. I like drawing my own stuff too much I guess, haha.
@holoholo It's all goood! You are heaps switched on about this stuff, it's tricky to keep track of all the guidelines sometimes and it's okay to miss something, that's what I'm here for. Muahahaha.
Sounds like you've got your own style and thing going on with creative stuff! That's quite awesome.
I'd love to see some of your art! (don't forget to hide any signatures etc!)
Would you consider making a board in Everyday life stuff?
You could call it "things i create to stay well" or something better than what i could make up 😛
What do you think about mindfulness? Have you used it? What for? What worked? What didn't?
I've had to take days off from school here and there because I feel unwell mentally and as a result physically, and today I'm taking a day off because I was interstate over the weekend and now I'm exhausted. I just wanted another couple hours of sleep but my sister got really angry, saying I was being selfish and manipulative. I pointed out that when she took a whole term off last year for the same reason, I was as supportive as I could be and never called her any of those things, she said that was different because she tried to kill herself.
Why can my depression only be valid if I'm actively suicidal? It's unfair. Different people react and experience depression differently, that doesn't mean I'm not hurting as much as she was. Now I feel like I should kill myself, just to prove that what I'm going through is valid. Just so they'll be sorry. I know that's a horrible way to feel but I just feel like I'm being ganged up on by everyone else in the family. You're meant to believe in your family, but they just have no faith in me.
Hey @holoholo, first of all, I think it's great that you took a day off. You saw what your body and your brain needed to keep well and you did it! Nailed it.
You are the boss of keeping yourself mentally healthy, you can become the expert on what you need to do to stay well and i'd say you're very aware and switched on about this already! Keep going! Only you can decide who you want to allow to help you to stay well.
Unfortunately family are sometimes not as good as they could be in offering support. That can make things tricky and I can hear how frustrating and upsetting this has been for you :(. When this happens, there are lots of other people out there who can help you and who can help your family understand too!
What your sister said to you was wrong, I agree that it was also unfair. You said that it made you feel like killing yourself. I have to check up on this because it's really important to me that I know you are OK and are going to keep being OK.
Has this thought gone beyond a feeling and into something that you are thinking about doing? If so, i need to know you are safe and are talking to Lifeline, your local hospital, these folk or someone else you trust to keep you safe. Please let me know you are safe or are talking to someone to help you be safe as soon as possible.
From what I am reading, you are doing lots of things to stay well yourself and have lots of good skills for coping already. You reach out at Reachout which hopefully helps a bit too! But I think I see a gap (correct me if I'm wrong) and that's people who are near you and who can see you face to face and that you trust to help you. if you want to find more people like this, I can offer a few suggestions:
School counsellor:
A lot of schools will have a counsellor. Their job is not just to talk through problems with you, they can also help you to conect up with other people who can support you, some of these might be professionals, but you might also be able to meet people who have been through similar things and can show you how they got through.
School Social worker:
These are a bit rarer than counsellors, they're handy because they can take some of the pressure off organising things like going to a GP or speeding up visits to psychiatrists or psychologists (if that's something you feel like you need).
Community mental health services:
Pretty much every city and a lot of towns in Australia have one of these, they are handy because they are full of people who you can see face to face and talk to on your level, there are social workers, counsellors, psychologists and case workers ( who help you reach goals). The best thing to do is just give them a call and start talking about where you're at.
Hoping you feel better soon.
I go out and take a walk and listen to music when I reach my breaking point. I try to clear my mind and think about other things instead of my troubles. If theres too much to deal with then on my walk I would try and figure out what are the top 3 things I can do. Those things that cant be helped I just reason with myself that its out of my hands.
Feel better soon.
@moonwalkSure, I'll keep updated on the GP...I think it's from a disastarous combo of being mentally AND physically exhausted 😞 I'm glad at least my cat sleeps right next to my head, so cuddles are never outta reach.
@standinside Unfortunately, evenings tend to be the toughest time for me, so it can be tricky taking a walk then. Plus it's sooo cooooold!! Thank you for the well wishes.
A lot of the issues I'm dealing with, ARE unfortunately out of my hands....it's very awful being completely stuck, until I'm able to move out of the house, basically. There's not much I can really do but grasp at straws and just try to stick it out for the next 18 months...
Hey @holoholo
Sorry to hear how tough things have been for you but i'm really glad that you're hanging in there and reaching out for help.
I'm also glad that you have a friendly cat (I only see mine when he wants food).Feel free to keep us updated on how you go with your GP, and feel free to contact any of the services like Lifeline or eheadspace if you ever feel overwhlemed
We'll be here for support any time you need it too, @holoholo, so you're not alone! Glad to hear your cat is always close by!
If at any time you feel like things are getting worse and you need some extra help, you can always contact eheadspace or lifeline.
It's a bit hard for me to reach to my sister because she's a decade older and often on night shifts so we don't really keep the same hours...I just feel whiny and annoying. My other sister always calls me clingy so I guess that doesn't help.
Ummm, for coping...I guess I try to distract myself with watching shows, drawing, reading, or cuddling my cat. I will check out the link though, it looks helpful.
I always don't feel like I deserve to talk to those services...I feel like I'm wasting their time.
I don't often actually hurt myself, I just think about it so much...it's frustrating. I'm always in conflict.
The coping strategies you listed sound like some really effective ones. Especially cuddling your cat!
Services like Lifeline are there to help people who are having a tough time and need some help. That doesn't mean you have to be at a point where you are hurting yourself to contact them. They are there to listen and if you did contact them you wouldn't be wasting their time at all! eheadspace is another really helpful service you might feel more comfortable with checking out.
Please keep us posted on how the appointment with your GP goes, and if your mum isn't able to take you, are you able to find another way to get there? Maybe a lift off your dad?
Hey @holoholo, I'm so sorry to hear things are so tough for you at the moment. Reaching out and talking about how you're feeling is a good first step towards getting help.
Feeling like you have no one to discuss your feelings with can make things seem even harder. Even though your sister doesn't live with you and is busy with work, do you think if you explained to her just how bad you've been feeling that she'll make the time to sit down and talk?
The coping strategies @ElleBelle mentioned can really help and I also recommend checking them out. If you do feel like things are getting to be too overwhelming and start having thoughts of self harming, Lifeline is a 24/7 service who are there to listen and help you out. They also have an online web chat if you'd rather not call.
Hey @holoholo it's good that you reached out for help before you hit breaking point or harmed yourself. The vomiting sounds pretty scary, have you been to a GP just to check you don't have a nasty bug or a severe reaction to some medication or something? I'm sorry to hear your mum hasn't been the greatest support. It can be pretty tough for people to understand struggles with mental health if they haven't experienced it themselves. For your sake though, I hope she can find some empathy and realise you don't do this to make her feel bad and you'd "just stop" if you could! I think it's worth reaching out to your sisters though. We all have some form of stress in our lives but that doesn't mean we can't make time to support the people we love when they are struggling.
What sort of coping strategies do you use when you feel like you can't get out of those pits? We have a few on the main site, and of course we're compiling our super awesome list of 1000001 Coping Strategies on the forum!
