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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[Dg] I feel awful. I don't want to be here at all and I don't see the point in living. I just want us to die. We deserve it anyway.

Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

Sorry to hear you are feeling awful Dg, sounds like things are tough for you right now. I just wanted to check in with you and ask you if these are just thoughts that you are having or whether you intend to act on them? Is there anything that you could do to help yourself feel better? Would doing some more songs on Just Dance be helpful like it was yesterday?

Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[Dg] I dunno if I'll act on anything, but I just want it all to be over already. I don't know if anything will be helpful. It'd just be delaying the inevitable anyway.

Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

That sounds really hard Dg, I am sorry you have been feeling this way. Is there anything that you can do to keep yourself safe today? Is there anyone that you can talk to about how you have been feeling? Ad mentioned yesterday that some friends are coming over this weekend, is spending time with them something that will help you feel better?

Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[Dg] Some other people switched in. Ms did for a bit before they remembered something from a horror series a few of us have been watching and got scared, and then Ct* and Bw* both came to front, before they woke me up. Yeah, that could help.

 

[Ct*Dg's feeling a bit better now, but at the moment I'm trying to comfort Ms.

Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

It's good to hear that Dg is feeling a bit better now, and that Ct* has been able to support Ms. It sucks that Ms had gotten scared, hope they are doing okay now. Do you have much planned for the rest of the day? Cat Happy

Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[Jm*Ms is doing better now. For the rest of the day, I have to finish English homework.

 

Just to let you know, it was Ct* and not Ct (the asterisks are meant to denote that it's a different person using the same initials).

 

I am personally not going so great for two reasons. One, our mum revealed something else from our childhood that could have potentially been traumatic. So, not sure if that means we might have someone else hiding away somewhere because of that or not. And two, our English work means I had to re-watch that terrible movie trailer that Ad lost brain cells from watching.

 

One of the questions I have to answer is what the meaning behind the intertextual references in the trailer. My current response is: "The message that is conveyed through the intertextual connections in [the name of the movie] is that the film is absolute garbage and the people who made it should be fired."

Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

Hi @SomeoneNADJS [Jm*] thanks for letting us know that Ms is doing better now. I am sorry that things aren't going well for you though. How does it make you (or others in the system) feel that you may have someone else hiding away somewhere? Hopefully once you get the English work out of the way, you won't need to watch that movie trailer ever again! Do you have any plans for the rest of this evening?

Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[R] We've gained so many this month... Way too many. I can't handle this anymore. I've had enough of this stupid system. I just want to die so badly. I just want to die. I can't handle this. None of us can. I'm so fucking pathetic. I should've figured out how to stop this.

 

Saw our psychiatrist yesterday. She said when we struggled with anxiety attacks to just "bring back (body's name)". Yeah, no matter how many times we tell her there is no singular person, she doesn't fucking listen. She just told us to "stop getting lost in RMs or others, and just bring (body's name) forward." What the fuck?! There is not some singular person here pretending to be all these other people. If there was, we wouldn't have half the fucking problems we do.

 

Our mum also kept asking me if I wanted to get rid of the system entirely, or if I wanted to force people into dormancy. She also told us "everyone has voices in their head but not everyone gives them names."

 

No one understands us. So many other systems have recommended we find a trauma therapist but we just can't. I told our mum about some of our trauma, and she always kept telling me how it wasn't trauma because other people had much worse than we did. And our dad was the cause of most of that trauma. Our mum thinks he has Asperger's syndrome and that's why he acts the way he does, but it doesn't change that he fucking caused us trauma when we were a child. How has she not made the connection that Ms freaks out every time they see him?

 

The easiest way to do this is to just die. I don't want to have to do this but it's my only option. As soon as I do that, the system won't grow anymore. As soon as any of us do that, we don't have to worry about it anymore. We're just a bunch of freaks sharing a body. That's how I feel when our mum or our psychiatrist try and talk to us about these things. And our mum seriously believes I barely know anything about systems because she thinks it "just happened to us." Which is not true at all.

 

Back when En was host, he found A in October 2018. Before that, he'd met (but later forgot about) C. Before that, there were other hosts, MsCs and others. It didn't "just happen to us". And I can't talk about any of this because I'm afraid I'll make us seem crazy. I wish I didn't exist. I want to be dead.

 

I hate switching all the time. I had forgetting things so much. I hate looking at my shoulder one day and find out that a few days prior someone else self-harmed. I hate looking at our records and seeing more and more members nearly every single day.

 

We ended 2020 with 1934 members. At the moment, we have 2926. That's nearly half the amount of people we gained in 2020 that have shown up in less than a month! About 300 showed up today, we've had a few days where about 100 showed up. I just can't deal with this.

 

When will it end? 3000? 4000? 5000? 10000? 20000? 500000? I just can't sit here and fucking do nothing because no one can help us and I'm so fucking pathetic that in almost a year of forming I haven't been able to come up with a solution to this.

 

Also, I missed our KHL appointment on Tuesday. Tried to get on again tonight, but our counsellor won't be available again until next Tuesday.

 

Also, we have so much work because so many other people in this system just procrastinate and people like me have to do most of the work. I just can't deal with this. I can't tell anyone how painful this is, mostly because if I get too distressed, someone else might accidentally switch in or I'll stop being able to talk.

 

I just want us to die. I want to die. I need to die. I need to. I need to. I need to.

 

Someone on Discord tried to tell me that I should call a suicide hotline when I got really bad the other day, but I don't want anyone to hear me. Our mum will make us go to hospital. I've got to do something tonight. Otherwise things will only ever get worse.

Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

@SomeoneNADJS 

 

Your therapist sucks.

What you want through was traumatic.

I know that you all exist.

And I really need you to all stay safe.

Is there anything I or anyone else here could do to help?