TW Feeling shit about myself
I hate myself a bit rn.
I just don't know what I'm doing wrong, or how to get the help I need, or if I even deserve help.
Not many people irl seem to think I deserve help. Maybe that's why it's so hard to find.
I wish i could just be.. enough. For something or someone or maybe just myself. But I never am.
I'm exhausted and in pain and scared. I'm doubting everything, nothing seems real.
I don't know why I'm even trying. It really doesn't feel like I'm worth it. Or like I'm worth anything.
I want to die a bit. I can (and will) keep myself safe though.
Apparently some people actually want me around. Idk why.
I wish someone could help me. Though by the time Headspace gets around to it I'll probably be too frightened to accept any help.
My brain feels scattered. At the moment I'm coordinating a lot of my appointments and stuff. Idk what'll happen when I'm not even able to do that.
I feel so lost. I wish I could do better. Maybe then someone could help me.
@Maddy-RO I wish I could be more excited about that...
I don't think there is anything; the argument's stopped now anyway.
I'm doing some jewelry making, but that's because I need to raise money for a possible treatment/ support within the next year, rather than as self care.
I'm glad to hear your safe. Thank you for confirming safety. Yes, if you do become unsafe, then it would be a good idea to ask to go to hospital. You're displaying great help-seeking behaviour for other users on the forums to model, so thank you. 
What can you do to ease your distress right now? Might it be a good idea to separate yourself from this all, go to your room, and read or draw or do some activity you enjoy?
@Maddy-RO yeah, I'm safe atm, and if that changes I can ask to go to hospital.
Hey @Tiny_leaf
Sorry to hear that home life has been difficult for you. It never is pleasant to hear our parents/relatives arguing. It can disrupt the whole household! I feel you regarding the "hyper-empathy" stuff. I think I have those tendencies too. If there's tension in the room, I feel it even if it doesn't involve me. It can become exhausting at times.
You said that you wanted do disappear, which is a little ambiguous. Are you able to confirm your safety for me?
Well now mum's gaslighting dad, dad's crying and screaming at her and slamming doors, mum's left the house.
I believe the term for this is "mutually abusive relationship".
Fuck everything.
My parents are having the most ridiculous argument..
Mum wants to go for a walk. She's the only one in the house with the energy to go for a walk. But she's taken it as a personal insult that my brother and dad don't want to come.
My legs hurt and my body aches but I'm scared if mum asks me and I say I can't she'll get angry.
My parents need to see a fucking relationship counselor just being in the same house as them is hell right now and my stupid hyper-empathy means that I get to deal with everyone else's feelings as well as my own.
I can't wait until the holidays are over and my parents go back to work and my brother goes back to school.
Spending so much time around other people is really draining especially after spending so much time alone over the last 6 months.
I just want to disappear right now.
@Taylor-RO it doesn't feel painful at the time for some reason, but probably causes some wear to the joint.
I'm not 100% sure, but apparently fingers aren't meant to bend like this:
So I've actually already diy-ed one out of cardboard as an experiment:
I can still move all my joints forwards, but can't get my fingertips to bend backwards. It seems to be helping, so I might look at buying some professional ones online when I can.
Kitten cuddles are so beautiful. I really love cats!I can imagine how your fingers bending back would make your hands hurt.. it sounds very painful! Ouch. Hopefully a splint works well for you. What will you have to do to get that organised?
On another note now that I know what's going on with my joints I know why my hands hurt - whenever I use them my fingertips bend back a lot more than they should.
Meaning that something like a splint should work well for me there.
@Tiny_leaf Oh I am so glad to hear that you were looked after by some nice staff members. It really makes a difference when someone actually listens to you and gives resources.
I hope that you had lots of kitten cuddles and restful sleepy times today Continue taking care of yourself and you know we are always here to listen to you when things are tough.
I got to the ED. I also got maybe an hour of sleep. Good news is that the sleep deprivation seems to be covering up my actual feelings a bit. Yaaayyy!!
The people I saw were actually really nice. They.. somehow got the idea that I'm a trans girl but they did their best and got the trans bit right!
They gave me a list of resources, one of which might be useful if I'm lucky. Plus they listened.
I'm back at home with my kittens right now, they're getting lots of cuddles.
As for my emotional well-being I seem to have fallen into a chaotic and pseudo-cheerful state but could just be sleep deprivation, idk
I've done everything I can so hopefully my parents'll remember the piece of paper and chase up supports for me because I have 0 energy left for that!
Anyway Imma have a nap before I pass out.
Thanks for confirming you're safe 🙂 Did you end up making it to emergency last night?
Is there anything you can do today for self-care?
Good Morning @Tiny_leaf
I'm so sorry to read that last night was hard for you. I can't imagine the frustration you're feeling with the mental health system right now. I'm glad that you are safe and thank you for making that clear to us all in your post. However I am really concerned about your emotional well being right now. How are you feeling today?
Note that I'm safe.
I'm feeling very suicidal right now.
My parents are home, so I can't do anything to myself anyway.
Gonna have to get to an emergency department some time tonight though.
Not really sure why, probably I'll just get a stream of condescending ******* who'll tell me I'm not actually suicidal and discharge me. Don't exactly have any other options though.
Uuurrgghhh I hate this.
Again, I'm safe atm. Just incredibly unhappy with everything.
Aww that cat gif @Tiny_leaf I love it, thank you!
That's what we are here for 
Reading the incredible support happening in our community has been really amazing, and seeing how our members rally around each other! So powerful and reminds me every day how much this community is making a difference
@Jess1-RO I'm just seeing you running around the forums checking up on everyone especially from last night - we haven't made your job that easy today have we? 
Here, have a cat gif:
Aww.. thanks @Bananatime04
And you too @Jess1-RO
Oh, my pronouns are they/ them btw. (just to make everything extra confusing )
Thanks
But the credit should be given to Tiny_leaf! I couldn’t have made that comment without her being the strong person she is!Do I need to step off the forums for 2 weeks after that post?
Hi @Bananatime04,
Thank you for tagging me in this one, I can see you have done some reflection and may be questioning if an earlier post is within guidelines. I agree with you that it was a bit of a gray area, but I can see definitely see the intention of your post was to support, validate and show you understand how Tiny_leaf is feeling and this is really admirable! To ensure that it is safe for the whole community, I have edited the post above this morning to bring it back in line with guidelines.
Reading back through this thread however, there was an earlier post I want to highlight and celebrate from 11:54 last night- reading the support and kindness you are role modelling here is really beautiful! This quote in particular: "You can get through it! You’re strong and I know you can!" Keep up the amazing peer support like the post at 11:54 @Bananatime04 and if you get stuck or unsure about guidelines, please feel free to contact the community team at ReachOut and we can brainstorm together
Hi @Tiny_leaf,
Sounds like yesterday was a really challenging day So proud of you for reaching out, and for taking steps to seek safety by ensuring you were around other people, it takes so much strength to take that step!
How are you going today? Hoping that you were able to get a good night's sleep Please feel free to check in with us throughout the day- we are here for you!
Haha geese are scary! When we first moved here we had one hanging around in our area and at one point it got into our back yard.. we couldn’t get rid of it and when I tried I heard it make really weird sounds and I’m never coming anywhere near another one now!
I feel pretty terrible about myself too but that doesn’t mean all of those thoughts are true! You’re a good person, it’s just hard for you to see that when you’re sitting in the darkness. It’ll get better tho
I hope you’re feeling a bit better today than last night 🙂
@Bananatime04 I definitely know what you mean. Others might find it kind of triggering though...
But I don't really fear stuff like that I guess. Geese however, are terrifying.
But yeah, I won't self harm again tonight.
I hope you're right about me @Bananatime04...
I feel pretty terrible about myself rn.
