TW Feeling shit about myself
I hate myself a bit rn.
I just don't know what I'm doing wrong, or how to get the help I need, or if I even deserve help.
Not many people irl seem to think I deserve help. Maybe that's why it's so hard to find.
I wish i could just be.. enough. For something or someone or maybe just myself. But I never am.
I'm exhausted and in pain and scared. I'm doubting everything, nothing seems real.
I don't know why I'm even trying. It really doesn't feel like I'm worth it. Or like I'm worth anything.
I want to die a bit. I can (and will) keep myself safe though.
Apparently some people actually want me around. Idk why.
I wish someone could help me. Though by the time Headspace gets around to it I'll probably be too frightened to accept any help.
My brain feels scattered. At the moment I'm coordinating a lot of my appointments and stuff. Idk what'll happen when I'm not even able to do that.
I feel so lost. I wish I could do better. Maybe then someone could help me.
Hey @Tiny_leaf
Sounds like a very hard situation for you right now; I was so impressed by your bravery in asking about the hospital situation. I just want to check in to ensure you're safe?
Hi @Tiny_leaf, I'm so sorry you're having such a bad experience right now. Do you think now would be a good time to contact a helpline to get some further 1 on 1 support? We're here for you. 
@mrmusic helplines never seem to help me..
The Sane one has like a 50/50 chance but it's closed and the rest just make it worse
That sounds awful to have to deal with that @Tiny_leaf . I'm so sorry your mum had that reaction.
I can hear that you value yourself and want to get better and that is so important and admirable. It may feel like it but i don't think you are doing everything wrong.
That's not good @Tiny_leaf. 
I'm sorry that you're feeling so upset.
I think that was a valid concern of yours.
Good luck talking to your parents. I don’t really have any advice on how to do it because I can’t even talk to mine.
Hopefully headspace can find someway to help 🙂
We are all here for you. Grief is a different process for everyone, so please be gentle with yourself during this time. There is no 'wrong' or 'right' way to grieve. It must be so difficult to be experiencing hallucinations at this time as well.. You have identified that you really need more support right now and that is a brave thing to do. It takes a lot of self-awareness and courage. I am not sure if you have been in touch with this service before but the Mental Health Emergency Response Line (WA Based - 1800 676 822) may be able to help. If you give them a call, they can help you explore your options Thanks @Taylor-RO
I'm unable to talk over the phone though..
I've done a bit more looking around. The only hospitals that'll take me are: the one that gave me a deep fear of hospitals, or the one that my nana just died at.
Which is kinda shit..
On a slightly better note I'm going to my volunteering thing today so I'll get some animal cuddles.
I hope seeing the animals and getting cuddles helps take your mind off things. Just letting you know that when you’re ready to talk about it, if you feel like talking to someone, we are here for you ❤️
Hello @Tiny_leaf,
I also just wanted to offer my deepest sympathies.
Echoing @Bananatime04 so many people on the forums appreciate you and if you need to talk we are here
❤️ Tasi
@Tiny_leaf I'm so sorry about your nana. I can't imagine what you and your family are going through right now.
It's okay to step away from the forums. This is a really difficult time and you need to do what's best for yourself.
Thinking of you and your family.
Hi @Tiny_leaf,
I am so sorry to hear that graphic content was incorporated in the show you were watching- it sounds like it was really triggering Unfortunately there are still too many tv shows and movies that explore these important topics in really upsetting or unsafe ways. I am wondering if you think reporting this program to somewhere like SANE's stigma watch or Mindframe who do a lot of work with media and producers around creating safe content would be helpful? It's also something I know ReachOut's content team have been speaking about recently- there's a lot more education and advocacy we can do as a community in this space!
It looks like you were able to use some strategies to stay safe last night, including ripping up a cardboard box- you took some great steps to manage the feelings Ripping up cardboard and paper can be really cathartic. What are you going to do today to look after yourself?
Thanks @Jess1-RO
They were doing so well too - like being genuinely empathetic and non-judgmental. I'm still not sure what that scene was trying to achieve though..
I've seen the stigma watch thing. I'd like to do stuff there, but don't really have the energy rn...
I have horse riding later today. Other than that I'm not really sure..
Hey @Tiny_leaf
I'm glad to hear that you're safe and thank you for posting. The fact that you've taken steps forward to seek help when it feels like everything is pushing you back speaks volumes.
With so much going on and feeling so scattered it's easy to feel like everything is a blur, including the perception of ourselves in lives of others. I just want to reiterrate that you do matter and that you are definitely deserving of good things.
With the list of things growing, are you able to maybe take a step back and rearrange some of them so they're not as overwhelming and give you some breathing space? I know I can fall into a trap sometimes too.
Did you end up talking to someone at Headspace at all?
@Definitelynotmitchell Not really I think...
It's too much and I have no space and no matter how much I rearrange stuff it makes no difference.
I've spoken to someone at headspace but I need to wait to be assessed to see if I'm suitable for the program before I get any support from them.
So I'm a bit stuck atm...
Idk what I'll do if I don't get accepted...
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way @Tiny_leaf. It can be so hard when we feel like people and services are giving up on us. I know from experience that people can unfortunately slip through the cracks when they desperately need help. I just wanted to let you know that you deserve help as much as anyone else does. I know it can feel exhausting having to constantly look for services, but I hope that you will eventually find a good team that is willing to and experienced enough to help you. I agree with @JM-RO. You're such a valued member of our forums and everyone really appreciates your advice and input. 
If you don't get accepted into the Headspace program, maybe you can ask them what some other alternatives could be. It is part of their job to help you find another service that can better suit you if things don't work out with them. Perhaps you can find a hospital or another service which also runs a program that can suit your needs. There is a service like this close to where I live but I don't know about Perth.
@WheresMySquishy they'll suggest the place I used to go to, the one that totally fucked up my care. That's what they did last time.
I've spent ages looking for other services.. I'm not 100% comfortable with any of the inpatient units I've looked into. I'm wondering if I'll need to go to another state to find a place that won't just hurt me more..
Someone decided it was a good idea to show graphic self harm on a random TV show.
It was exactly how I self harmed. There was no need to show it. They could've just mentioned self harm.
They had their little "call lifeline if this has raised concerns" things but it's not like that'll undo the completely unnecessary damage.
All that fucking show did for struggling people was either trigger self harm urges, or teach people how to start.
I don't like this at all..
I should mention that I'm safe though.
It took the destruction of a random cardboard box. I may have gone slightly overboard but it worked.
RIP random cardboard box.
Hi Tiny_leaf,
I can only imagine the frustration being stuck between services. You mentioned that you're not sure what you will do if headspace doesn't work out. Can you tell us a little bit more about this? Some of our community members might relate and be able to offer some suggestions.
I hope you have some nice plans to take good care of yourself this evening!? Is anyone around for you to spend some time with too?
You're such an amazing support to so many members on here and I know they think that too 🙂
@JM-RO I don't know if headspace will let me into thier program. I don't think I have anywhere else to go..
