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TW Feeling shit about myself

I hate myself a bit rn.

I just don't know what I'm doing wrong, or how to get the help I need, or if I even deserve help.

Not many people irl seem to think I deserve help. Maybe that's why it's so hard to find.

I wish i could just be.. enough. For something or someone or maybe just myself. But I never am.

I'm exhausted and in pain and scared. I'm doubting everything, nothing seems real.

I don't know why I'm even trying. It really doesn't feel like I'm worth it. Or like I'm worth anything.

I want to die a bit. I can (and will) keep myself safe though.

Apparently some people actually want me around. Idk why.

I wish someone could help me. Though by the time Headspace gets around to it I'll probably be too frightened to accept any help.

My brain feels scattered. At the moment I'm coordinating a lot of my appointments and stuff. Idk what'll happen when  I'm not even able to do that.

I feel so lost. I wish I could do better. Maybe then someone could help me.

Re: TW Feeling shit about myself

Hey @Tiny_leaf

I'm glad to hear that you're safe and thank you for posting. The fact that you've taken steps forward to seek help when it feels like everything is pushing you back speaks volumes.

With so much going on and feeling so scattered it's easy to feel like everything is a blur, including the perception of ourselves in lives of others. I just want to reiterrate that you do matter and that you are definitely deserving of good things.

 

With the list of things growing, are you able to maybe take a step back and rearrange some of them so they're not as overwhelming and give you some breathing space? I know I can fall into a trap sometimes too.

 

Did you end up talking to someone at Headspace at all?

Re: TW Feeling shit about myself

@Definitelynotmitchell Not really I think...

It's too much and I have no space and no matter how much I rearrange stuff it makes no difference.

 

I've spoken to someone at headspace but I need to wait to be assessed to see if I'm suitable for the program before I get any support from them.

So I'm a bit stuck atm...

Idk what I'll do if I don't get accepted...

Re: TW Feeling shit about myself

Hi Tiny_leaf,

 

I can only imagine the frustration being stuck between services. You mentioned that you're not sure what you will do if headspace doesn't work out. Can you tell us a little bit more about this? Some of our community members might relate and be able to offer some suggestions. 

 

I hope you have some nice plans to take good care of yourself this evening!? Is anyone around for you to spend some time with too?

 

You're such an amazing support to so many members on here and I know they think that too Smiley Happy

Re: TW Feeling shit about myself

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way @Tiny_leaf. Heart It can be so hard when we feel like people and services are giving up on us. I know from experience that people can unfortunately slip through the cracks when they desperately need help. Smiley Sad I just wanted to let you know that you deserve help as much as anyone else does. I know it can feel exhausting having to constantly look for services, but I hope that you will eventually find a good team that is willing to and experienced enough to help you. I agree with @JM-RO. You're such a valued member of our forums and everyone really appreciates your advice and input. Smiley Happy

If you don't get accepted into the Headspace program, maybe you can ask them what some other alternatives could be. It is part of their job to help you find another service that can better suit you if things don't work out with them. Perhaps you can find a hospital or another service which also runs a program that can suit your needs. There is a service like this close to where I live but I don't know about Perth.

Re: TW Feeling shit about myself

@JM-RO I don't know if headspace will let me into thier program. I don't think I have anywhere else to go..

Re: TW Feeling shit about myself

@WheresMySquishy they'll suggest the place I used to go to, the one that totally fucked up my care. That's what they did last time.

I've spent ages looking for other services.. I'm not 100% comfortable with any of the inpatient units I've looked into. I'm wondering if I'll need to go to another state to find a place that won't just hurt me more..

Re: TW Feeling shit about myself

Someone decided it was a good idea to show graphic self harm on a random TV show.

It was exactly how I self harmed. There was no need to show it. They could've just mentioned self harm. 

They had their little "call lifeline if this has raised concerns" things but it's not like that'll undo the completely unnecessary damage.

All that fucking show did for struggling people was either trigger self harm urges, or teach people how to start.

I don't like this at all..

Highlighted

Re: TW Feeling shit about myself

I should mention that I'm safe though.

It took the destruction of a random cardboard box. I may have gone slightly overboard but it worked. 

WIN_20190911_00_43_45_Pro.jpg

RIP random cardboard box.

Re: TW Feeling shit about myself

Hi @Tiny_leaf,
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a really difficult period right now, I am so proud of you for seeking support, that is not an easy step to take. You are really strong, coping with this experience and simultaneously coordinating the appointments.

It sounds like you are struggling with the the feeling of not liking yourself. Has this been quite recent that you have started feeling this way? It can be so hard to create self love and to feel that you deserve love and support from others. I understand this feeling and I am also trying to find a way through it too. I wanted to suggest a video which recently helped me as I was feeling very badly about myself. The video is part of an audiobook and this chapter moved me to tears. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tWa-4vSEak

I recognise it may not be useful for you, that is totally ok! Each person is beautifully unique and if this is not helpful, I believe that you will find something that helps you.

It sounds like last night was difficult for you and I wanted to check in and see how you are this morning?. I am so glad to hear you're safe and you processed these feelings in a creative way. I like that idea and may use it one day when I need it too.

I can't speak to the process of receiving support from Headspace as well @JM-RO and @WheresMySquishy but I really do hope that you receive the support you want.