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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Sorry for the rant, thank you for checking in with me Lost_Space_Explorer5

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Oh @xXLexi_Lou122Xx stuff has been so hard for you lately Smiley Sad I'm so glad you reached out today, we're always here for you- you're not a burden on anyone

 

I'm so sad and concerned that you've been in so much pain that it's led you to self-harm Smiley Sad I'm sorry it's gotten to the point where you felt you had to give into that intrusive voice in your head. It sounds like you tried your very best not to but things got so overwhelming and you had no other way of coping? I hope you don't feel bad about this as SH is sadly such a common coping mechanism and a sign that you're really struggling.

 

Writing a monologue for english and having to perform it- ugh I cringe at the idea. It brings back so many bad memories from school haha! Anyway what I'm trying to say is it's totally normal to feel anxious about it, so I hope you don't feel like you're alone. Heck one time I had a speech thing for english and just burst into tears instead (the teacher was very understanding and let me speak when I was ready). School is not easy, it can make you feel inadequate, anxious, isolated, etc. Smiley Sad And it can get so much harder when you're struggling with mental health difficulties. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

 

Of course we can help you. We're here to listen and support you as much as we can Heart The worrying about confidentiality absolutely sucks. How can you be expected to get support when you're worried your parents will find out? It's such a hard thing. Have you ever tried KHL? They might be able to help with safety stuff- they don't tell your parents stuff (unless you're at immediate risk)

 

I know you're really good at art Lexi, do you think you could draw how you're feeling so we could understand better? Would that be helpful at all?

 

We're here to listen to as much or as little as you need to share. And again thank you so much for reaching out tonight Smiley Happy It's not an easy thing to talk about all this stuff so I'm really proud of you Heart

 

 

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@Lost_Space_Explorer5 yeah... Thank you, I really appreciate it. Smiley Happy

 

Yeah, I think it’s sad too. And yes, I think that words what went down very nicely. I couldn’t describe it myself, if I tried...

 

I do feel a little bad about it, but that’s because I don’t want anyone to find out or they’ll freak. But some people know, but they are fellow SH’ers. They don’t really care, even if its not healthy...

 

Yup, I hate it. But it’s so weird! Normally I would be okay with performing it. But ever since the start of this year, I’ve been really really anxious about performing my english tasks. First my Persuasive speech, which was allowed to be recorded, but I didn’t do it properly because of a rushed timeframe, and now this. I wish I could get out of it, but I’d need an anxiety diagnosis or something to do that... and I won’t get one in time for it, either. Even then, if I were to go and get one, the Professional who has the ability to do that, would prefer to diagnose me with ASD, which makes me feel way to different compared to everyone else, and makes life difficult for my parents, who have to go with me to get the tests and stuff done in the first place. I can’t burden them with that either... 😔

 

I have tried KHL, but they weren’t very helpful the last 4 times I tried them. That was both the Chat and the Call. I don’t think I can go to them again, when you and Bananatime04 were let down by one of the counsellor there too...

 

I’ve already done a bunch of drawings, I’ll post them, but I need to edit one of them. But it kind of describes what I’m feeling, just not quite all of it...

 

Thank you, it kinda took a bit for me to actually post it. But then again, its easier here than in real life... Smiley Indifferent

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Never mind, the files won’t post... Smiley Frustrated 😔😢

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@xXLexi_Lou122Xx I wouldn't say KHL let me down- I just have a new counsellor now who is equally as lovely and helpful Smiley Happy Sorry you haven't found them helpful the last 4 times you tried- but good on you for trying! There is also eheadspace which has short term counselling, however they have a more cautious duty of care policy I believe. Sometimes it can take a while to find someone you click with so don't let that stop you from reaching out for support!

Oh no it sounds like these people who do know aren't supportive in a way that's good for you Smiley Sad It's strange but SH can sort of be 'contagious' like that. If we see others do it and it works for them, we can become desensitised to it? Are these people you know in person?

I know there's a lot of stigma with ASD but perhaps getting support from a professional can get you the help you need. There's nothing wrong with having ASD, and I know you know that, you just don't want to feel different, hey Smiley Sad No one else would have to know, the school has to keep stuff like that private

I don't think you'd be a burden to your parents if you asked for help Smiley Sad

Yeah but still it's a big step to reach out for help when you're struggling, so you should still be so proud of yourself Smiley Happy

Ooh I just had a thought- have you ever tried emailing KHL? You seem so good at writing out your feelings when you have time to think about them and posting them on here, that would seem to more align with a kind of email format? Perhaps starting with that (if you haven't already tried that) could be helpful? Just an idea though!

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Oh no, could you take a screenshot and send that instead?

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, I am glad you reached out for some support tonight. It seems like it has been a while (or maybe I have missed when you were online), so it is good to hear from you. I am so sorry to hear that things are incredibly tough for you right now. This year has been difficult in general, not to mention with all the extra pressure of school assignments. I know that performing in front of the class is the most frightening high school experience! So you definitely aren't alone in thinking that. Do you think if you told your teachers that it is causing you a lot of stress and anxiety that they might at least let you record it? Heart

 

I was also wondering about the kind of support you have at the moment? It sounds like you are still really wanting that one special person to just be able to spill everything to. I know it must be hard to not have that currently. Also, if you think it would be helpful to share your drawings, then please do so. Just as long as they don't break the guidelines, which I am sure you are already mindful of!

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@lost_Space_Explorer5 Fair enough, but again, I just don’t click with speaking to someone about this sort of thing like KHL...
I’ve tried eHeadspace, but they were worse..

It’s not that they aren’t supportive, its just that they understand what mental health struggles are like, and they know how hard it is not to. I wasn’t exactly desensitised, I kinda just went too far into my head and did it...
I do know these people in person, but I don’t see them very often. They are just around the school, so I don’t talk to them very much. Only when they need someone to talk to, is when I see them more.

Yeah, I know, but something about getting the diagnosis makes me feel different, even if people don’t know about it. It’s a feeling I can’t describe, but I know that mentally I would collapse more, if I got it..

I think I am, because I already have a health condition that makes my parents have to drive out to the hospital sometimes, which isn’t fun, and is a long wait to get discharged.. getting more diagnosises would just mean more travelling to specialists and stuff. I can’t burden my parents or anyone like that...

Yeah, I know. Smiley Happy

No, but I don’t think I’d want to anyway. I just can’t trust someone I can’t hold on to when I need them... thank you for the suggestion though. Smiley Happy

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@Taylor-RO thank you. I haven’t done very much of it lately...
No, I haven’t been online very much.

I kinda wish it was a normal performance, because I’d normally be okay with performing. But now I just have huge anxiety to the point where I can’t even speak... 😣

I hope that’s the case, because I don’t think I can do it without recording it. But with my last assessment I was allowed to record it. It was an option given to the class. But now it isn’t an option, so I can’t... I can’t stop freaking out over it... And I’m supposed to be performing this week... 😰

In regards to support, I have teachers who know I’m struggling, but nothing has been done about it. The teacher who knows the most, has said that he’ll get someone to check in with me, but he hasn’t done that yet. He’s probably forgotten. They always do. And I don’t want to talk to anyone else anyway. They’ll just tell my parents. They’ll think I’m at risk, when I tell them anything. 😔

I really do want to speak to someone. But it’s not possible. There isn’t anyone who won’t spill to anyone else. No matter my risk. Which I’m not.

I did, the screenshots worked. I hope they don’t break the guidelines, if they do, I’ll take them down. I’d prefer to do it, over a mod doing so...

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hi @xXLexi_Lou122Xx , 

 

Those are incredibly powerful artworks- it is such an amazing skill to be able to express your emotions visually like that. How do you feel after you've drawn your works - do you think it helps you to process what you're feeling?  I am really sorry, but we can't keep them up on the forums as they could be distressing / triggering for other users- that is also a reflection in a way of how powerful they are, though. I can remember times in my life where those dark thoughts felt like they were wanting to beat me down, and those you've captured those feelings so vividly. 

 

It sounds like you're pretty conflicted about finding somebody to talk to about how you're feeling, and I can understand your concerns about wanting to chat to someone but being worried that they'll have to tell your parents... would your school counsellor be someone who could help at all, or one of your youth group leaders? 

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