TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me
Hi everyone
I guess I’m just feeling like I don’t trust anyone irl. I have been this way since year 4, which was about 5 years ago. I’ve been backstabbed by so many friends in the past, and youth leaders at my old youth group. Those leaders were actually my mentors, and I haven’t healed from that at all, despite never being able to see them again. I forgave them, but it still hurts, to know that I have been so reluctant to get support from anyone, including make friends and talk to my current youth leaders.
Even in this time of trouble, I don’t want to bother my leaders with a call, because I feel like I’m wasting their time. It’s all because of those people in my past, making me an introvert and an outcast in my life.
It hurts, because I just want to be supported by my rl supports. But I feel like a burden to them, making me decide to just go it alone. I feel so alone, all the time. I feel so much self-hate for myself, and I keep telling myself that I am the things I tell myself. Even the slightest mistake I make will trigger my negative thoughts. Even the smallest telling off or rude/angry tone will trigger it. My parents don’t know this, and neither does my family. I want to tell them, but I feel like they shouldn’t know.
I just want to feel loved, supported, and like I’m not alone.
My leaders always tell me that I’m not the things I tell myself, but I can’t believe them. And one of them, always tells me firmly what I am, but maybe I just want to be heard, and given gentle input. And for them to just let me cry. To just let me be who I feel like I am. But no, they have to be all tough on me, and make me feel like I am all those things I tell myself without meaning to make me feel that way.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m hurt, I’m still hurting, and this huge process of recovering from this huge 5 year long period of self-hate is making everything hurt a whole lot more. Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, and Spiritually. And that I don’t feel cared for by mr rl supports and family..
Helplines do not help, so do not suggest them to me.
Aw, that's so great @xXLexi_Lou122Xx . I am glad to hear that you had a good time overall! Oh no, it sucks that it brings you down mentally, I hope that you find that things are okay once you go back to school. Do you have anyone that you can go to for support if you find that things are getting tough? Seems that there is a lot going on for you right now too, it is good to hear that your parents have been supporting you with getting a mental health care plan. Hopefully you find that the waitlist times aren't too bad and that you can get some more support soon. Sounds like you have lots of activities that you can do over the holidays - how exciting! Swimming on NYE with your best friend sounds so cool too, I hope you have a great night 
(This isn't the teacher on camp though, lol)Haha, that's understandable, I don't think anyone would fall for my faking either. Except in that situation, I would probably feel dizzy and then faint anyway...but then again, that's just me.
Yeah, it wasn't the greatest... but we're all better now, so thats good! Just in time for christmas lol! :smilelol:
I have 4 younger siblings, me being the eldest. Its a lot, especially when you add in my 2 parents and my fur sibling, Nala my dog. But they're okay, on occasion... 😐
Yeah, the twitching was scary. I keep rewatching the video footage, but I can't seem to stop. Its so fascinating, but also very wrong. Its not normal, that's for sure. But at least the referral confirmation letter came through today, saying that I am waiting for an appointment to be available to see a neurologist. Its taken a while, and 2 referrals, but it's finally been accepted.
Yeah, I'm glad I could start getting something sorted out. I get the feeling that I have Anxiety, ASD, AND Depression, but my anxiety flares up the most. Depression only comes in when I'm extremely stressed and thinking very intrusively because of the lack of sleep and so much stress. I just have the traits for ASD, meaning that I can get more help with schoolwork without having to ask for it so much, and have a little more flexibility when I do block exams in year 11 and 12. 🙂
Yes, my parents are supportive about me getting a mental health plan, and pursuing an ASD diagnosis. I'm still not feeling the greatest about getting it though... Oh well, I'll get used to it, when it happens. Waitlists are extremely long, for all therapy and psychology stuff...
Aw, thank you! I am definitely a bit determined... 😄
Yeah, I'm glad she's my bestie. 🙂 I will, but I do like to get competitive too...
I didn't exactly face my fears, because I was basically forced down the hills and up them as well, but I guess that's a gentler way of putting it. 🙂
Yeah, its definitely just the way assessments are and stuff for school, that brings me down mentally. Once I get back to school and assessments start, things might start going downhill again...
Yeah, hopefully everything starts going smoothly when I get that support in and everything... The wait lists for puppy therapy is really l9ong though, I don't think I'll be getting into that anytime soon...
I'm hoping to go and do some things where they live, like go to the nearby shopping centre, and play games in the arcade or watch a movie or something. They live near where we go to school, so I'd have to catch the train to get there. But I'm okay with that, as long as I can see them over the holidays! I'll be inviting my bestie for new years, but I'm not sure if I'll invite the other girls in the group... They are very timid, and I'm not quite on the same level as they are with each other. I'm definitely still an outsider when it comes to the whole group being together... 😐
I hope the weather is pretty good too, because I'll be swimming on NYE! 🙂
Eep hearing your family throwing up certainly would not have been pleasant 😞 Hehe I can understand prefering school to feeling overcrowded. How many siblings do you have again? I seem to remember it was a lot!Hearing that you were twitching sounds scary 😞 I hope the doctors can figure out what's going on. And that's good your accessing help for what's been going on! Hopefully that will help with school stuff! Are your parents supportive about it?
You're so talented with art and music! And you work so hard at it! 🙂
It's cool you're so close with your bestie 🙂 Take it easy with the exercise though!
Hello @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, it's so great to hear that camp was a great experience for you. Sounds like there was lots to do and that you faced some fears which was really brave. I am also quite scared of heights and I don't think I would have been able to do everything that you did! Also so great to hear that you feel as though you are doing better mentally 
Seems like you have a lot planned out for next year, it is good to hear that you are able to consider several support options to help you manage school and everyday life over the next few years. What kind of activities are you thinking that you might get up to with your friends? Catching up with them over New Years sounds really awesome! I hope that the weather stays good so that you can have some fun with your friends over the holidays 
Haha, yes, I did fall pretty much, except that my feet only slipped up and I slid down a little bit. I didn't fall down the hill faces, except for the last scale we did, where I took a running start and got a couple of metres up, but then I slipped and slid down to the bottom. The dirt was very loose, so it was easy to slip and fall.
How did that work? I don't think I could fake it, but what did they do? I'm very curious right now!
yeah, I didn't get too sick, it was my siblings that took on the water where we went swimming... it had Gastro in it, and they were the ones that half drowned as they do when they're being silly in any water. I only got a queasy feeling, but I'm okay now. 🙂 My siblings are too, thank goodness. I can't cope with people vomiting, it makes me even more queasy, and at night, if I can hear it, makes me stop sleeping. It really sucks, because thats exactly what happened while we were camping. My brother started spewing, in the tent next to me, and I'm just covering my ears trying to block out the sound and sleep...
He's okay now though, its just my sisters that need to finish getting better. 🙂
Yes, its definitely holidays here now! I don't like holidays personally, because I prefer being at school to stay away from my siblings. I have too many... -_-
Overall, I'm doing much better mentally. I decided to get an ASD diagnosis, if that's what I have, which is highly likely, but I'm still not very keen. But it will help me with Block exams and stuff in year 11 and 12, when I get there. I might even have therapy with dogs or art therapy, depending on what I need to do for my mental health plan. I still have to book more appointments with my GP first. For my mental health plan, AND my referrals for more testing for my fainting. My GP thinks I was having seizures from the video I showed her that was taken while I was out cold on camp... It was only twitching, and it somehow only happens when I'm at school or away from home with my friends and stuff... 😐
I think it wasn't the greatest distraction, mainly because family camping is not my idea of fun. But it IS something to do, when I have next to nothing at the moment. 🙂
I probably will try and zoom through the music theory books I have, and build up my AMEB level. I'm only a level 3 for both my instruments, while people are way better than me, and I hate it when they're younger than me. The sooner I level up, the better!
I'll also try and plan some more activities with my friends, sometime after christmas and new years. I might even invite them to new years! It just depends on what they do for new years. Apart from all this, I'm trying to lose some weight with my best friend, doing a shred challenge. It's quite hardcore, but its definitely making me feel a bit better about how I look, so I think it's worth it. I can facetime my friend too, and we do the exercise together. I love my bestie. 🙂
It was so relatable when you said you felt you would fall, because once in year 8 we went on a camp like that and I DID fall (we had these huge backpacks on at the time so I landed flat on my back and pretended to be unconscious so they would leave me there
)Woah, two camps back to back! I'm sorry you got sick in the family trip 😞 That sucks but I'm glad everyone seems to be on the mend
It's school holidays now right? How's everything going with that? How have you been feeling overall? Sounds like you've been really busy lately, has that been a good distraction?
My siblings are still a little sick, but they're getting better. I don't have a sick feeling anymore, so I'm okay. 🙂
Camp was okay, but it was extremely hot there (@Kaylee-RO I think you asked about this... :)). I fainted 5 times over the 3 days we were there... Those episodes wasn't great either, because they were longer episodes and I started twitching pretty violently during the episodes. I was nearly sent home early because of it! I enjoyed it, and its definitely my favourite out of the school camps I've been on! There were tunnels and lots of activities based on the ANZAC battles. I was forced to sit out by the teacher who knows the most about my episodes, because she knew I didn't want to go home before everyone else. It was okay though, some of the activities I didn't want to do or feel up to doing anyway.
There was one part that I hated, which was the hike on our last night. It involved lots of heights, and I finally got a taste of what breaking down in fear is like. I completely froze up, started shaking uncontrollably, and started crying. I really hate heights... Mainly when it comes to going down them, over a steep hill or cliff face. The first part of the hike was going down a slide, which was known as the parachute drop, and it was an extremely steep slide. I didn't go down it, but my teacher tried to force me down it. Only verbally, but it kinda hurt because she didn't do it either. Literally, she said that heights weren't her thing, after the other teacher and the students at the bottom started encouraging her. I'm like, "Isn't that what I said? I can't do heights either..." I didn't say that, but I wish I did. That teacher kept saying its a head game, where you say you can do it, but me being the pessimist I am, and already afraid, there was no way I was going to go down that slide. We ended up going down the dirt path, with a rope to scale the steep hill. I prefer that to going down a slide, any day.
The rest of the hike was going up a really really really steep hill, which was nearly impossible, but I made it up without any help. I nearly fell, many many times. I hated it. Then we had to go down another part of it, and that's where I completely froze up. Because my teacher was trying to keep me from passing out, she asked if I was dizzy or if it was just fear, but I should have said I was going to faint, even if I wasn't actually. Maybe then, if I had lay down, they could have tried to carry me down the hill instead. I was the second last one down that hill, and there was still another one to climb up after that. I barely made it up that as well... I also forgot to mention, this was at night, whereas it would normally be done during the day...
The good thing was, my team (we were separated into 3 teams), was supportive and tried to get me down and back up those hills. It was mainly the boys, who were strong, and they managed to get me there eventually, as well as the teacher and my best friend. they were next to me, and the boys had already gone down and some came back up to coax me down. then push me up the last hill. I'm thankful for those boys and my best friend. 🙂 and my teacher, because she's always around when I faint... as well as my best friend, but yeah, they're really good people. 🙂
We did many activities, so I was a complete wreck when I got back. I snoozed for 3 hours the next day, I was so tired! The funny thing is, the bus home was very very quiet, almost silent! That has never happened on ANY school camp bus I've been on. I think nearly everyone was asleep, including me. The short times I woke up, it was silent, or at least only a few people were talking quietly. The food was also really good, but me being a terrible eater when I'm away from my family, I couldn't eat a lot. if I did, I would feel really sick and end up vomiting at some point. Lucky for me, I didn't have that problem on camp. 🙂 even if my teacher tried to make me eat more breakfast... I don't eat breakfast, but I ate a little bit on camp, to make my friend and teacher happy. 😐
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, just following up on our last chat as well! How was your camp, the heat seemed to hold off quite well the last week where I have been, so I am hoping that it was the same for you
Can't wait to find out how the trip went! Probably filled with lots of activities I bet?
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, by now you have probably ventured off for your camp, 6:30 is early so I can imagine it would have been hard to convince your siblings to catch the train with you, but I hope either way nerves settled once you set yourself out for the trip!
I hope your strategies help you with the heat, I would love to hear about what you implemented when you get back
I hope you have a lovely time and we are looking forward to hearing how it all went!
Its also supposed to get extremely hot where I'm going, which means more episodes... I have ways to try and keep cool, but its supposed to get hotter than what I can handle WITH my strategies... Oh well, lets see what I can do and how much fun I can have. I'm nervous, but hopefully that will be gone when I get there. 🙂
I will respond to everyone again soon, but it'll have to be after camp on Wednesday. I figured I'd let everyone else know where I am, just cuz'. 🙂
Talk to you all when I get back!
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx , I'm so sorry to hear that you're sitting with so much pain, I hear how upset you are about what happened with your maths exam and being given an estimated mark. It's really great that you were able to open up to your mum about how you were feeling and get her to email your GO. You express yourself so well here about what's happening for you and why it's so important to you that you sit the exam - do you think it might help to copy some of that into an email?
I've noticed you mention a few times that you'd love to be able to speak to someone about what's happening for you, but you're worried that they would have to report what you say to your parents or to someone else, have I got that right? The rules for what people do and don't have to report are pretty strict, and I'm wondering if it might help to talk to your guidance officer about confidentiality, as @WheresMySquishy suggested, and find out exactly what they can keep confidential? It might be the case that they're able to keep much more confidential than you think they are - do you think that knowing a bit more about confidentiality might make it more possible for you to open up about what's happening for you?
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx feeling like you're a burden, and like you'd go back in time and erase yourself from the world if you could, sounds like such a heavy load to carry. I know that I've had times in my life when I had those feelings as well, and it was so lonely and exhausting.. finding the right person to talk to was hard, but it helped a lot. Thanks for confirming that you're safe - we're really happy to hear that, but I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain at the moment.
We are so glad you're here on the forums, and here in the world, and we're always here for you. Keep us posted on how things go today - sending you huge virtual hugs
I didn’t end up doing my performance, because I got so caught up in a bunch of things, that I couldn’t get my HPE exam done, and I was so Emotionally broken, I couldn’t get myself to go to English the next lesson.
Basically, I was doing my math exam, but I couldn’t even write down the simplest equation that I had literally just revised with my teacher aide the 5 minutes before my exam. I was so scared about English, and HPE, and everything I hadn’t done yet, and my self-hate, that I completely broke down and couldn’t do anything. I sat there all exam time, and then my Maths teacher comes up (I was in the learning support block), to supervise em if I needed more time. She looked at my paper to see where I was at, and she said “It’s alright, I’ll just give you an estimate mark”. She doesn’t know that I CANNOT have any estimate grade. I MUST do the exam and get a grade from what I did do, not only to prove to myself that I can do it, but to prove to everyone else I can do it. If I get an Estimate grade, it will have lowered my self-esteem even more, and then I won’t focus on any other school work and fail it all, because of my teacher not letting me resist the test, even though I’ve begged her many times already. I even went to the head learning support teacher, and asked if he could talk to her about it. But NO, SHE WON’T LET ME DO IT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH I BEG AND PLEAD WITH HER.
I have to do that test... I can’t do anything if I don’t. I’m worth nothing if I get an estimate mark. I’m a failure if I get an estimate mark. Why does no one at school see that I need this exam grade to do anything at all? I won’t even hang out with my friends because of it... Because I’m a fucking burden to them and everyone I know and tell my problems to. I need to have what I need, but no one is giving it to me.
Why can’t anyone see what I’m trying to say? I’m shaking with tears of sadness and frustration right now, like I did on Thursday on the train... I just hope that I’ll be allowed to do my exams again, when my mum emails my GO. Maybe she can help get me back on track with the exams...
Basically after the drama with Maths, the next day I had my HPE exam and my English performance was due straight after HPE. I immediately started thinking that I couldn’t do anything, as soon as I got that Exam paper for HPE, and just broke down again during that exam. I was so out of it, that I was told to stay in the learning support block for English as well. I never performed, and I’m still stressing over it. I’m still stressing about Maths, English, AND HPE. And Art, but its just a painting and some written stuff, so I’m not as worried about it. But it still adds to my stress.
I ended up breaking down again on the train home that day too. It was so bad, I couldn’t finish the breakdown before my mum arrived at the station to pick me up. She told me to explain, and she listened. I then asked to have the day off the next day, and she agreed. I had a really bad migraine the next morning, but my day improved from there a bit. Kmart shopping and Music lessons help, for some weird reason...
But now I don’t want to go to school tomorrow, even though I have to for the vocal group who has less than a week to practice for awards night performance... But I don’t want to encounter my maths teacher, or any of my teachers, because I know I’m going to break down again, if I see them because of how my maths teacher has and does treat me, and the fact that I can’t cope with it.
I want to die so bad right now. The emotional and mental pain I’m feeling, is so bad.... Why can’t someone just take it away? (I am safe, always will be).
I’m just waiting on the response of my GO from my mum’s email now. Even though it won’t be responded to until tomorrow. Looks like I have a hell hole of a day tomorrow... 😢
I’m sorry for even bothering to show my face to this world. I would go back in time and erase my life from the world if I could. Looks like this world is stuck with me in it... Yes I’m safe. Don’t question it. 😭
Personally, I don’t think it helps much. It just reminds me of what I am. In a way, its one of the few ways I hurt myself... Mentally, instead of physically. If that makes sense? I don't know...
I wish that any of those people were able to be that person... my GO would have to say something, and so would my youth leaders. I want to tell someone everything, from what I tell myself, to what I’ve done to myself. But I can’t, without someone being required to report to higher authority/my parents...
Hi @xXLexi_Lou122Xx , I just wanted to check in and see how you're feeling today? I'm so sorry to hear that you feel like you're a burden - we never see you as a burden here, and we are always here to support you in any way we can. I hope the performance goes well for you (or has gone well, if it's already done!)... and I hope that letting some of those feelings out here has helped a bit. I can completely understand feeling anxious about different diagnosis - it's a really personal thing. We are always here if you want to chat through it at all, and I know there's a lot of people in the community who can probably share their own experiences too
Hi @xXLexi_Lou122Xx! It feels like it's been ages since we last chatted. I'm sorry I haven't been on as much as I'd like to.
I hope everything goes well with the performance. It's understandable you would be really anxious about it. I used to get a lot of anxiety about having to present in front of other people, but some of my teachers were understanding when I told them how I felt. It's good that the teacher offered to get someone to check in with you, but it's frustrating that no one has done that yet. 😞 If someone does end up chatting to you, would it help to ask them about what kinds of things can stay confidential and when do they have to tell someone? Confidentiality would be important to me too.
I hope you can feel better soon.
Hi @xXLexi_Lou122Xx ,
Those are incredibly powerful artworks- it is such an amazing skill to be able to express your emotions visually like that. How do you feel after you've drawn your works - do you think it helps you to process what you're feeling? I am really sorry, but we can't keep them up on the forums as they could be distressing / triggering for other users- that is also a reflection in a way of how powerful they are, though. I can remember times in my life where those dark thoughts felt like they were wanting to beat me down, and those you've captured those feelings so vividly.
It sounds like you're pretty conflicted about finding somebody to talk to about how you're feeling, and I can understand your concerns about wanting to chat to someone but being worried that they'll have to tell your parents... would your school counsellor be someone who could help at all, or one of your youth group leaders?
No, I haven’t been online very much.
I kinda wish it was a normal performance, because I’d normally be okay with performing. But now I just have huge anxiety to the point where I can’t even speak... 😣
I hope that’s the case, because I don’t think I can do it without recording it. But with my last assessment I was allowed to record it. It was an option given to the class. But now it isn’t an option, so I can’t... I can’t stop freaking out over it... And I’m supposed to be performing this week... 😰
In regards to support, I have teachers who know I’m struggling, but nothing has been done about it. The teacher who knows the most, has said that he’ll get someone to check in with me, but he hasn’t done that yet. He’s probably forgotten. They always do. And I don’t want to talk to anyone else anyway. They’ll just tell my parents. They’ll think I’m at risk, when I tell them anything. 😔
I really do want to speak to someone. But it’s not possible. There isn’t anyone who won’t spill to anyone else. No matter my risk. Which I’m not.
I did, the screenshots worked. I hope they don’t break the guidelines, if they do, I’ll take them down. I’d prefer to do it, over a mod doing so...
I’ve tried eHeadspace, but they were worse..
It’s not that they aren’t supportive, its just that they understand what mental health struggles are like, and they know how hard it is not to. I wasn’t exactly desensitised, I kinda just went too far into my head and did it...
I do know these people in person, but I don’t see them very often. They are just around the school, so I don’t talk to them very much. Only when they need someone to talk to, is when I see them more.
Yeah, I know, but something about getting the diagnosis makes me feel different, even if people don’t know about it. It’s a feeling I can’t describe, but I know that mentally I would collapse more, if I got it..
I think I am, because I already have a health condition that makes my parents have to drive out to the hospital sometimes, which isn’t fun, and is a long wait to get discharged.. getting more diagnosises would just mean more travelling to specialists and stuff. I can’t burden my parents or anyone like that...
Yeah, I know. 🙂
No, but I don’t think I’d want to anyway. I just can’t trust someone I can’t hold on to when I need them... thank you for the suggestion though. 🙂
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, I am glad you reached out for some support tonight. It seems like it has been a while (or maybe I have missed when you were online), so it is good to hear from you. I am so sorry to hear that things are incredibly tough for you right now. This year has been difficult in general, not to mention with all the extra pressure of school assignments. I know that performing in front of the class is the most frightening high school experience! So you definitely aren't alone in thinking that. Do you think if you told your teachers that it is causing you a lot of stress and anxiety that they might at least let you record it?
I was also wondering about the kind of support you have at the moment? It sounds like you are still really wanting that one special person to just be able to spill everything to. I know it must be hard to not have that currently. Also, if you think it would be helpful to share your drawings, then please do so. Just as long as they don't break the guidelines, which I am sure you are already mindful of!
