TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.
okay...
So I have been struggling with Permanent Scars that only I could see, and now I haven't been able to control my balance of health.
I keep overworking myself, without meaning to.
And now... I feel like I've lost my real me all over again. I can't help but listen to Paralysed. I can't stop. Maybe that's what is making me like this. I don't know. But whatever is going on, I want it all to stop. I can't help but feel completely emotionless. And when I get to school on Monday, well... People will start asking if I'm okay...
I want to be okay. But I just want to be vulnerable right now.
Except for the fact that I have no one to be vulnerable with. I can go to youth group tonight, and have someone to hold on to for a bit, but I just don't have the motivation to get my chores done for me to go at all.
I feel like a disappointment. There is two leaders I can go to, if I go to youth group tonight. But I feel like I can't be vulnerable there either...
I don't know what to do.
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx Thanks for bravely sharing. I did have to remove the post for potentially pretty graphic/triggering ideas that don't have a helpful outcome/context BUT I have a suggestion. I know you said it was about a random human etc and you "shouldn't have drawn it" but I still think art like that can be very therapeutic to create. I'm also sorry that this has been a part of your consciousness just by having these ideas in your mind in the first place. That's why we're here, to be able to acknowledge these difficulties.
So, my suggestion is that you do something different with the art you've already made. For example, you could make a counter picture writing realistic/optimistic compliments or positive attributes that answer some of the criticisms. You could do that OR keep the art for now but think about doing something to let go of those ideas, like ripping it up and burying it etc.
If you decide to do a counter picture (such as writing another one with positive attributes or compliments) we could maybe post BOTH pictures side by side. I think the reality is a lot of us are in a battle of self loathing and self compassion. Lets try and work on not ignoring this but also continuing to support each other to move away from the stuckness of the dark.
I don’t think the picture has that, but it does have words that are aimed at me.
And I drew a random human, not me.
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx It sounds very therapeutic and sometimes expression is the best way to process difficult emotions...Anyway, I'm just going to chime on and suggest that you can share your art as long as you can kind of assess that it's not involving anything potentially triggering like self harm depiction for example. Also I agree with @Taylor-RO that mistakes are human/the best way to learn even though we can feel pretty awful at the time!
I shouldn’t have drawn it, because my parents will get worried if they see it.
Is it okay if I post it and show you what I drew? You can delete the post afterwards if it breaks the guidelines, but just so that you guys get what I mean?
I know it’s okay to draw what I feel, but I didn’t want to draw it.
It’s like my hands were just drawing it without me controlling my body at all.
I just don’t know what to feel anymore.
I’m feeling better today, because my mum hasn’t mentioned my mistake lately.
And I’ve been doing some random activities this last week of holidays, and I’m going shopping later, for some musical costume pieces. I just need some shoes, and a better knee brace. 😑 those stupid genetics...
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx do you think that you could use the picture to help you?
Like perhaps you could find a counter-argument for each thing written on there, and repeat it whenever you hear those words.
It's okay to draw how you're feeling. Just like it's okay to not be okay, it's okay for your drawings to reflect that.
I personally used to feel really guilty every time I drew a picture or wrote something about any negative feelings, and I still do sometimes.
But at the same time I find it a really useful way for me to express and better understand what I'm feeling.
Idk if that makes any sense at all sorry...
That sounds quite stressful @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, I am sorry that is what you are going through. What made you say you shouldn't have drawn it? Sometimes it can be helpful for some people to remember that thoughts are just... thoughts. They are only worth the energy and attention that you direct towards them. We all make mistakes in life and sometimes it is unavoidable. It may be uncomfortable but it is how we learn after all. What we tell ourselves about these mistakes can determine how we feel about the situation. It took me a little bit of practice to learn that making mistakes is okay and it is apart of life 
I noticed that my self-talk played a major role in this. What do you think?
I’m okay physically, but I have so many bad thoughts.
There are the faces of the people I love, saying all the bad words that other people have said to me. All because I made a mistake. A very big one, but only because it felt like someone else was controlling me. It’s hard to explain, but if you understand, you know what I’m like.
I am safe, but I drew a picture I shouldn’t have drawn.
It’s of me, smiling while my eyes are teary, with all the words I hear in my head are all over the page.
Only I have see it, but I shouldn’t have drawn it.
Idk what to do...
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx ouch... that must've been horrible..
Is it possible you used your core muscles a bit more than normal on the camp? I've done that in horse riding - it's not fun for the next day or two....
I'm glad you've been feeling a bit better though. 
How're you going atm?
Yes, I'm feeling much better!
I think it only a one day thing. It went away after my shower on Saturday night. Obviously I showered last night, but that's general hygiene. 😛
I am still really sore on my sides and back, but I hope that will disappear soon.
I have also just gotten a mild headache, but that's normal.
I'm feeling terrible, as I haven't gone to bed yet. But I hope I feel better tomorrow. My body isn't likely to stop hurting for a while though...
When I was at The S.H.A.C.K. , the first aid officer was a trained nurse. When she asked if I was okay, when I was sitting down on a chair with my head on the sign in table, I told her that my sides and body were really sore. She said that I probably pulled a muscle, but I don't think that's the case. Either that, or I've caught a flu or something. Because it's like an achey pain, but also like I've pulled something. I'm not sick either. Well, you know.
I can't braid my hair. I can plait, but Braiding is a different story. Do you know how to braid?
I've tried, but that was when no one taught me. My mum will teach me some time.
I still feel like crying, but it's not that bad anymore. I guess I'm just over-exhausted and tired. That's probably what's making me feel like crying. And that's okay. It was my first time taking on a leadership role, and I was still finding my feet. But then again, it was a very energetic camp, and all the leaders were tired out as soon as the kids left.
I still feel dizzy like I did yesterday, but I'm about to head to bed after my family finishes their scrabble game. I'm in my room, on RO, while they're in the dining room playing. I'm glad I can have some me time.
I did some drawing today, I'll try and post it tomorrow. And I'll post it on the art thread that I didn't know we had!
Yes, I've been having lot's of fluids and a restful day today. Games and quiet time all day! Just what I needed after a week of trouble. 🙂
How are you feeling now?
Yes, I have been playing some video games, but I forgot about Tetris! 😕
Some of my favourite self-care activities are:
Watching blackhead removals
Playing video games
Reading
Playing forum games
and just supporting other users here!
I guess I don't really need to do self-care atm, but I need to tale care of my health. I don't know why, but I've had diarrhea all day. I haven't toldmy mum, because I'm not worried. It's probably just either a small virus, or something I get after I've over-exhausted myself.
But the cramps and pain in my back and sides is what's making me feel sad.
I'm okay, but physically in pain is not fun. Everyone knows that. I haven't been eating much either. But then again, I have been a bit unwell today, overall.
Honestly, I just want to cry. I'm in pain, and wanting this soreness to go away. And the possible virus I have just captured. Which is funny, because I used hand sanitiser and washed my hands all week this week, before eating and every other required time. Hmm...
That's okay Claire. We all misinterpret things at some point.
And that same event yesterday is still replaying, but I'm not focussed much on it. I'm in too much pain to worry about it now.
Right now, I'm going to cut my toenails and fingernails, and plait my hair comfortably for tonight. I figured out a new way to make my head feel nice when I'm doing it, which is an up side.
Thank you for being here guys. I'm glad that at least some people are able to give advice and support me. Not many people have been on my thread at all last week and before then... But It's fine now!
Sorry I was confused before about you not attending the same school. I am glad your knee is feeling better, I have had a few injuries through soccer and I know how hard that can be. I am really sorry to hear about how unwell you were the other day.
How are you feeling now ?
Also I love Tetris too or Jenga, helps distract me when things feel overwhelming or I can't stop thinking about something.
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx , I'm sorry you had a crappy day yesterday. Being in physical pain can take a toll on our positivity and can really knock us around. I know when I'm feeling sick my mental health can drop really quickly, so I make sure I take extra special self-care to combat this.
I'm wondering what you do for self-care? The best way that it was explained to me is that self-care isn't a luxury, it's something that you need to do every single day to just get to the baseline of health. It's as important as breathing for our survival. Sounds like you might need to be extra sure to take care of yourself today, and show yourself some love.
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx it is, I'm a little too obsessed with it 
Good night, I hope you sleep well!
My knee is all better, but I woke up a while after I went to bed, and started to get stomach cramps.
But not just stomach cramps. I also got a very sore back and sides below my ribcage. I don't know why, but that's why I became very exhausted and nearly passed out. I was a leader, and the first aid officer had to come over and make sure I didn't go unconscious.
I know I was technically a junior leader, but still. I was given Panadol, twice. Once for the pain of my body, and second for the pain I was in, as well as to help get my energy back.
I can't believe how pale and sick I got. Everyone kept asking if I was okay, when I was just sitting down. When I layed down, is when everyone became less worried. It annoyed me, because I was already in tears from my body pain, but when I wiped away my tears and had Panadol, It didn't help. I was slowly closing my eyes when the first aid officer came over. She asked if I was okay, but I said I was fine. She knew I wasn't, and stayed with me. Luckily no child needed help at the time.
But now the whole scene is playing over in my head, and making me feel so much worse.
It's really bugging me, and I'm STILL dizzy from it.
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx that sounds so difficult...
It's good that you'll get some rest after tomorrow. Is there anything you can do for your knee for now?
When I wasn't feeling anything it was because I was blocking everything out.. I'm not sure what to do when it just.. happens.
Do you have any self care planned for after tomorrow? It sounds like the past few days have been really intense...
I am sorry to hear that you can't see Nico as much, hopefully when you catch up fortnightly you can share with them what has been happening for you.
It's really great to hear that you are going to focus on taking care of yourself, that is not always easy thing to do and shows courage and strength. You spoke about making sure you find the right person for you, which is really positive way to look at things.
You said that you think there may be someone who you could talk to more, but they may not be attending the same school next year, do you see them regularly now?
Hi @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, it sounds like a really challenging and distressing situation to be in. Can you contact Nico outside of church/youth group hours? It is great that you have had this wonderful connection with them but it is difficult for you when they are not around. This is so understandable because you feel like they actually hear you and know what is going for you. This is such a very special thing, so I don't blame you for wanting to hold onto it. As you mention, people can get busy and so that is why it is important to rely on multiple supports. Please refresh my memory, are there any other services that you engage with when times get tough? You mention that you are unsure of how to make it through this.. what has got you through so far? You deserve to give yourself more credit. I am sure there are so many times where you have gotten through this by using your own strategies and self-care. You are more powerful and resilient than you feel at times.. a lot of people can relate to that. Can you think of any strategies you have previously used?
I also had to edit your post as you included some specific methods around suicide. Do you know whether your friend has any support? If they are considering suicide or harming someone else, it is best to direct to them to their local emergency services. Remember that it can be difficult to support someone while you are struggling too. Please take care of yourself You can also offer them local support services - anything to direct them towards support. If this conversation is too confronting or uncomfortable for you to have with them, you can urge them to speak to a trusted adult about it. I do have to log off for the night but I want to let you know that we are always here to listen
Hi @xXLexi_Lou122Xx How have you been this evening? Sorry to hear about the rumours. Sounds awful to hear that. Is there a teacher or someone at school you can talk to about it?
