TW?: Permanent scars that only I can see...
Hey guys...
I know I've been making a few threads over the last couple of months, but this is the last one I'm gonna make for a while.
I have this habit of writing or drawing on my arm or hand. This habit has not been very good lately, as I've been writing the lyrics to songs that are depressing and upsetting on my arm.
But recently, after I've taken a shower, I still feel the hurt I would feel with the strong emotions of depression. I also felt the sadness I felt with how I easily related to this song, at the time I was sad.
It's like I have these scars, that no one else can see. Unless I write the lyrics to the song on my arm, and I haven't hidden it under my jumper. I get so very sad when i think about it more, but this is also relating to me having physical pain. I have been shaking all over again, like I did when my friends ditched me. It's very painful, if you've seen my first ever post...
At this point in time, I have no intention to SH, so I am definitely safe. But I mentioned this just so you guys know that I'm safe.
I'm constantly in pain physically, and I've already lost my voice.
Everything seems unfair, and that I'll never be good enough.
If you end up listening to 'Paralysed' by NF, You'll probably know what I mean...
So that's how I feel right now...
I really don't know what to do at the moment. But I do know that there are other people out there to support me.
I'm not okay, but it's okay to not be okay sometimes.
It's just life.
hi you beautiful angel...
i completely understand what you are going through. try and find a place to talk to a mental heath professional. i HIGHLY recommend headspace or headspace online, it is generally free and always confidential (unless you might harm yourself or others because mandatory reporting) try writing positive things on ur arm (i know this is super cheesy and basic) but swapping out "sad" for "happy" is really helpful and something i have done in the past. (i have the same habit as you) friendships suck sometimes but the best thing you can do is tell them how you are feeling and if the are rude/unaccepting then honestly fuck them like actually if they dont accept or love you for you then they are NOT WORTH YOUR TIME!!
please take care of yourself
xoxoxo
This thread is so powerful and so relateable to many members of our forums
One sentence you wrote that really spoke to me was this: "I'm not okay, but it's okay to not be okay sometimes." Self acceptance is a really powerful thing. Giving your mind the time and space to not be okay sometimes, and know that the moment will eventually pass, can be a really freeing experience.
It sounds like you have been feeling a lot of pain, and have found that a way to communicate that pain through song lyrics, is that right? Over the last few months we have seen you reach out for support and take some courageous steps towards maintaining your safety- this community is proud of you, and I hope you feel that pride in yourself too.
What are your thoughts about some of the suggestions @rainbowpotato made? Hoping today is a better day
@rainbowpotato,
I guess I haven't really talked to them yet, but I have tried headspace. They weren't very helpful for my last topic I needed help with, but I haven't tried them again yet... I guess I will. I can try to put in happy lyrics, but I'm really struggling to not give in to those lies I keep telling myself. But thank you heaps for the suggestions! They're really appreciated.
@Jess1-RO,
Thank you. I guess saying that it's okay to not be okay sometimes, is really what I say to myself a lot. It doesn't always help tho… Usually the lyrics and lies I tell myself are too strong, and I give in to them...
But I'll try to write happier lyrics if I can. Again, nobody sees them unless I take off my jumper.
I really don't think I have very good safety skills, but if you think so, then I believe it.
And yes, I do communicate my pain through that. Especially ones that show how I feel, and what I think I am. Which is all just full-on lies, but still. I can't help it. It's just a part of life.
I can hear how much pain you've been experiencing lately and I can see that you've been able to really connect with music and lyrics. From my experience listening to a song that really reflects how are feeling inside can be so powerful, and sometimes comforting to remind you that you aren't alone in that feeling. Has your experience with music been similar to this?
I like the suggestion from @rainbowpotato to try writing some positive things on your arms. It can be super hard to identify positives when you are going through a really tough time. I think small steps here is really key, like finding songs that are a little bit more positive but you still feel a connection to or just have a positive line in them for example. Is this something you think you might try?
It's a shame that you didn't find headspace very helpful last time you reached out to them. So good to hear that you want to reach out to them again in the future, I hope that this will be hopeful. I know they have a lot of great resources 🙂
Thank you @May_...
These songs are actually not good ones. If you listen to 'Paralysed', you'll know what I mean... But connecting with the music the way you described, isn't exactly how I link to it. I haven't really felt that way before... Except for one song, that I don't listen to often. And that's called 'Good Enough' by Little Mix.
Yeah, I'll try them again, but I don't have the time atm...
I guess I'm okay today...………………………………..
Sorta...………..
Not really...….
Rn, I'm trying to support another user, but I still feel worthless. These little lies I tell myself are all coming true...
I am worthless.
I am a slut.
I am a mistake.
I am a complete let-down.
I am scarred.
I can't stop these lies from repeating in my head. They're all over my arm. I don't even have the time to seek help. I don't know how I can do any of this.
But I'm trying to stay strong. For the new girl in my classes.
But I don't know how to do that.
You mentioned that you don't have the time to seek help, can I ask what is stopping you? The wait times (which unforuntely can be long) or something else?
I wanted to ask if you've ever seen a gp about how you've been feeling?
Yeah, I didn't have time last night, as I was about to log off and go to bed.
No, I haven't talked to a gp about this, as I don't feel comfortable doing so. And, my mum won't let me talk to my gp alone.
That sounds really lonely for you, to try and manage through all of this and not be able to confide in someone.
You mentioned you haven't talked to the GP about it because your mum won't you talk to them alone; I'm wondering if you've told your mum how you feel? Or if you haven't, if something is stopping you from telling her/talking to her about this?
I went through a similar thing with reaching out for help and not wanting to talk to my mum about it and trying to get help etc. I'm happy to talk with you a bit about my experience and see if we can find someway to help you x
In regards to the scars of the lyrics, it sounds like in a way the are a coping mechanism but also haunting because of how the deep the meaning behind the words is for you. Does that fit? (or make sense?)
I wonder if instead of writing the lyrics there, maybe write some positive lyrics or a draw something that makes you feel a bit better? 🙂
Thank you @Bee.
I have been trying really hard, not to write them on my arm, or replace them with something better. But no matter how hard I try, it just doesn't work.
I guess it would be nice to know how it's been for you, with your mum.
But I don't really have the kind of relationship with my gp, to talk about my mental and emotional health. I only go there for my physical health.And I don't want to tell my mum, because she doesn't understand. I've tried telling her before, and she just didn't understand at all.
Yes, that makes sense. That's basically what I've been trying to say the entire time.
Now I can't stop...
Idk what's wrong with me...
I feel...
I can't explain it... It's so different to what I've felt before...
I am safe. Just feeling sad, but different to sad...
????
Hi @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, I'm sorry you feel like that...
Do you think a breathing exercise might help, or writing down what,you're thinking/ feeling somewhere?
I went to bed...
I feel like absolute shit.
I walked out of class again, and my teacher didn't realise I walked out.
I only walked out because of the idiots in my class, and the horribly loud lyrics that kept replaying over and over in my head...
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx it sucks when classmates are like that...
Are they doing anything directly to you, or just like.. being stupid in the background?
But one of them, was pulling faces at me...
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx ugh...
I once had a big group of them in my class.. when my teacher asked them to work, they started insulting her and left for their friend's class. My teacher locked the door as soon as they left...
I think I told Bananatime this, but my reaction to bullying/ face pulling or anything like that is to copy Professor McGonnagle. Just like, try to give off the sense that you have no patience left for that kind of immaturity. I have yet to find anyone who's immune to that look.
I'll try that...
But then again, I was already struggling with those lyrics playing over and over again, louder and louder each time.
Is there a song that sounds similar but with happier lyrics? Just you might be able to train and/ or trick your brain into playing something else, so that if it starts playing it'll automatically change into the better song.
It hasn't been working at all lately...
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx it takes a while for you to build up the link from the normal song to the happier one I think. The main thing'd be to keep trying.
You could also do a certain thing (eg tap your finger on your wrist or smell some rosemary or something) just before you listen to the happier song until even just doing the thing makes you remember/ mentally replay that song.
When you notice your brain replaying the old song, do the thing and hopefully you'll start to switch to the new one.
But I don't have much time when it comes to being at school.
I have to go to bed now, but I'll tell you how I feel tomorrow...
I just hope I can get through tomorrow without any dramas...
Goodnight, and good luck for tomorrow! I hope it goes okay for you.
I'm glad to hear that you've been trying to not write those lyrics on your arm/replace them with something positive. Please know that stopping won't feel easy or provide relief insteneanously, although that would be nice, but it doesn't work that way. It sounds like this has been a coping method for a while, and like old habits, they can be hard to replace. A challenge but not impossible. Each time you last longer before those lyrics are on your arm, each time you try something more positive, is helping you introduce new coping more positive mechanisms. Please don't beat yourself up because they aren't working right now.
I'm sorry to hear that when you tried previously to talk to your mum she didn't understand. Is there a certain part of it she didn't understand?
Perhaps we can workshop something to help if and when you're ready to try again 🙂
In my experience, having a GP where you feel comfortable to talk about your emotional and mental health makes the process easier to cope with, as oppossed to trying to tell a GP who you don't feel comfortable telling. For me I tried a few different GP's before I found the one I have now.
In regards to my story and telling my mum, thinking about the details of it all now I realise how uninspirational the actual time was. So I'm actually not going to talk about that part of it, but I will talk about how telling my mum has helped a bit. While the actual telling my mum about my mental health was incredibly hard and I had help to do so, it has helped in the fact that it's not a hidden secret. I can be open when I have appointments with my GP or psychologist. And while I don't talk a lot about my mental health with my mum, not hiding it and keeping it a complete secret feels better now than what it did when I was hiding the entire thing.
SO I guess what I'm saying is that while you mum might not understand what is going on for you, and I think this is something a lot of young people experience too. It's important they know that you need some extra support, so they can help you get it
(ps. I've rewritten this a heap of times because my undecisive brain couldn't decide on how to word things 😛 )
