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TW?: Permanent scars that only I can see...

Hey guys...

I know I've been making a few threads over the last couple of months, but this is the last one I'm gonna make for a while. 

 

I have this habit of writing or drawing on my arm or hand. This habit has not been very good lately, as I've been writing the lyrics to songs that are depressing and upsetting on my arm. 

 

But recently, after I've taken a shower, I still feel the hurt I would feel with the strong emotions of depression. I also felt the sadness I felt with how I easily related to this song, at the time I was sad. 

 

It's like I have these scars, that no one else can see. Unless I write the lyrics to the song on my arm, and I haven't hidden it under my jumper. I get so very sad when i think about it more, but this is also relating to me having physical pain. I have been shaking all over again, like I did when my friends ditched me. It's very painful, if you've seen my first ever post...

 

At this point in time, I have no intention to SH, so I am definitely safe. But I mentioned this just so you guys know that I'm safe. 

 

I'm constantly in pain physically, and I've already lost my voice. 

 

Everything seems unfair, and that I'll never be good enough.

If you end up listening to 'Paralysed' by NF, You'll probably know what I mean...

 

So that's how I feel right now...

I really don't know what to do at the moment. But I do know that there are other people out there to support me.

 

I'm not okay, but it's okay to not be okay sometimes.

 

It's just life.

Re: TW?: Permanent scars that only I can see...

hi you beautiful angel... 

i completely understand what you are going through. try and find a place to talk to a mental heath professional. i HIGHLY recommend headspace or headspace online, it is generally free and always confidential (unless you might harm yourself or others because mandatory reporting) try writing positive things on ur arm (i know this is super cheesy and basic) but swapping out "sad" for "happy" is really helpful and something i have done in the past.  (i have the same habit as you) friendships suck sometimes but the best thing you can do is tell them how you are feeling and if the are rude/unaccepting then honestly fuck them like actually if they dont accept or love you for you then they are NOT WORTH YOUR TIME!!

please take care of yourself

xoxoxo

Re: TW?: Permanent scars that only I can see...

Hi xXLexi_Lou122Xx,

This thread is so powerful and so relateable to many members of our forums Heart

One sentence you wrote that really spoke to me was this: "I'm not okay, but it's okay to not be okay sometimes." Self acceptance is a really powerful thing. Giving your mind the time and space to not be okay sometimes, and know that the moment will eventually pass, can be a really freeing experience.

It sounds like you have been feeling a lot of pain, and have found that a way to communicate that pain through song lyrics, is that right? Over the last few months we have seen you reach out for support and take some courageous steps towards maintaining your safety- this community is proud of you, and I hope you feel that pride in yourself too.

What are your thoughts about some of the suggestions @rainbowpotato made? Hoping today is a better day Heart
__________

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Re: TW?: Permanent scars that only I can see...

Thank you both. Really.

@rainbowpotato,
I guess I haven't really talked to them yet, but I have tried headspace. They weren't very helpful for my last topic I needed help with, but I haven't tried them again yet... I guess I will. I can try to put in happy lyrics, but I'm really struggling to not give in to those lies I keep telling myself. But thank you heaps for the suggestions! They're really appreciated.

@Jess1-RO,
Thank you. I guess saying that it's okay to not be okay sometimes, is really what I say to myself a lot. It doesn't always help tho… Usually the lyrics and lies I tell myself are too strong, and I give in to them...

But I'll try to write happier lyrics if I can. Again, nobody sees them unless I take off my jumper.

I really don't think I have very good safety skills, but if you think so, then I believe it.

And yes, I do communicate my pain through that. Especially ones that show how I feel, and what I think I am. Which is all just full-on lies, but still. I can't help it. It's just a part of life.

Re: TW?: Permanent scars that only I can see...

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx

I can hear how much pain you've been experiencing lately and I can see that you've been able to really connect with music and lyrics. From my experience listening to a song that really reflects how are feeling inside can be so powerful, and sometimes comforting to remind you that you aren't alone in that feeling. Has your experience with music been similar to this?

I like the suggestion from @rainbowpotato to try writing some positive things on your arms. It can be super hard to identify positives when you are going through a really tough time. I think small steps here is really key, like finding songs that are a little bit more positive but you still feel a connection to or just have a positive line in them for example. Is this something you think you might try?

It's a shame that you didn't find headspace very helpful last time you reached out to them. So good to hear that you want to reach out to them again in the future, I hope that this will be hopeful. I know they have a lot of great resources Smiley Happy

Re: TW?: Permanent scars that only I can see...

Thank you @May_...
These songs are actually not good ones. If you listen to 'Paralysed', you'll know what I mean... But connecting with the music the way you described, isn't exactly how I link to it. I haven't really felt that way before... Except for one song, that I don't listen to often. And that's called 'Good Enough' by Little Mix.

Yeah, I'll try them again, but I don't have the time atm...
I guess I'm okay today...………………………………..
Sorta...………..


Not really...….

Re: TW?: Permanent scars that only I can see...

I just want these feelings to go away...
Rn, I'm trying to support another user, but I still feel worthless. These little lies I tell myself are all coming true...

Re: TW?: Permanent scars that only I can see...

I am worthless.

I am a slut.

I am a mistake.

I am a complete let-down

 

I am scarred.

 

 

I can't stop these lies from repeating in my head. They're all over my arm. I don't even have the time to seek help. I don't know how I can do any of this.

 

But I'm trying to stay strong. For the new girl in my classes.

 

 

But I don't know how to do that.

Re: TW?: Permanent scars that only I can see...

@xXLexi_Lou122Xx The song you mentioned above - Paralysed, is such a powerful song! LIstening to it I feel goosebumps! I can certainly relate to the song. It's a tough place to be, to feel all these tough emotions and to feel so paralysed by them all.

You mentioned that you don't have the time to seek help, can I ask what is stopping you? The wait times (which unforuntely can be long) or something else?

I wanted to ask if you've ever seen a gp about how you've been feeling?

Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

Re: TW?: Permanent scars that only I can see...

Hey @Bee. Sorry I took so long to reply. I was about to reply, but then my teacher caught me on my phone. So I had to put it away until break.

Yeah, I didn't have time last night, as I was about to log off and go to bed.

No, I haven't talked to a gp about this, as I don't feel comfortable doing so. And, my mum won't let me talk to my gp alone.