Trigger Warning: Got Taken Advantage Of While DRUNK Out Of My Mind
So.... I feel like if I bottle this up for any longer, I'm either going to get a MAJOR panic attack, or I'm going to get EXTREMELY angry.
I like to get over things quickly because I hate dwelling. So, the sooner I let it out, the sooner I can get over it, maybe. Just as long as someone can support me and help me out.
I feel terribly guilty for this, and I feel like cheater, but there was SO much confusion involved! Confusion, black outs, slurred speech, loss of bodily control, etc.....
Anyways... just a few days ago, Friday, September 23, I was taken advantage of.
I knew the guy for 5, almost 6 years. We became great friends over the years, and even tried dating (only for a month or less) shortly after we began to hangout, but we were better off being friends... or in this case, not at all. (It was NOT a serious relationship btw!!! it was a FLING if anything! althouugh, I never had feelings for him and he knew this.)
Because of how long I knew him, I felt like I could deeply trust him.
I have severe anxiety, and I was dreading on not going to visit this guy, because I had to go without my boyfriend since he didn't want to go, but he wanted me to take a risk. This place is out of town, by the way, so that didn't help my anxiety... I did, however, have my uncle (who became friends with this guy) to accompany me. So I finally thought, "well, I never take chances, so may as well go!" Oh and btw, we didn't go to the city to visit him per se, we just needed a place to stay while we explored, and he was part of the package.
We arrived. We were obviously drinking. It was supposed to be a fun time! Plus I have drank with this guy numerous times before, and nothing ever happened!
I lost track of the variety of booze I drank, but while I was still conscious, I remember observing that this guy took maybe 3-5 bong rips within 5 hours, and didn't drink nearly as much as I. I'm a lightweight, and he is a heavyweight.
So, I don't know what happened. Last thing I remember: I was singing, then chatting. Then everything went black. When I regained consciouness (to a point), everyone was gone to bed. I became FREEZING (this guy's heaters were broken and I get cold so easily), then I stumbled, blurry-eyed to this guys bedroom. I don't remember much conversation. I just remember being cold, laying in his bed, then falling asleep to cuddling (I had no control over my morals at this point. I don't cuddle with anyone but my boyfriend. But I literally could not think. I just wanted to pass out, warm).
I closed my eyes, everything went black. I sort of??? woke up to him touching me. Still insanely drunk, I grabbed the phone and called me boyfriend repeatedly, since he wasn't answering. I sent him a LOT of voicemails. I don't remember what I said. I just remember crying and crying, then having everything go black again. (He told me the next day after coming home that I was saying, "I think I cheated on you but I don't know, I feel too guilty to come home", he also pointed out that some thing's I said were confusing, and didn't really make sense, and how I was REALLY slurring my words.)
The next day, the guy wasn't there. He had gone to work. But his roommate, Bob (let's call him), informed me that he left his room after I "temporarily" woke up and called my bf, and then he went into Bob's room.
Bob, Uncle and I ended up going out for a bit to check out the city, and that's when I called my boyfriend back. He was very upset (of course), so I explained to him the story. My boyfriend said, "sounds to me like he was doing stuff to you while you were sleeping. If that's the case, he's dead."
When we got back to the house, the guy was back as well, but he was in his bed since he didn't get much sleep. I ended up talking to my uncle and Bob about it. My uncle said, "well you don't want to accuse anyone of taking advantage of ya, so let's just wait till he wakes up and see what his story is." I agreed. Fair enough, right.
I called my best friend and got the story off my chest. She put the whole thing in perspective for me. She said, "UHM, IT IS SOOOO OBVIOUS WHEN YOU BLACK OUT. HE DID TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU, etc," She offered to find me a ride.
After talking to her. I went back inside, and heard banging around. This guy was punching walls and ended up walking right passed me without a word and went for a drive to "cool off".
I texted my friend and told her I did want that ride, ASAP. So she arranged a ride for us.
While we were waiting, which was an hour long wait, he came back. My uncle stopped him and said, "do you remember everything?" The guy nodded his head yes. "My uncle said, okay, did you guys have sex?" The guy said, "well, kind of. I put it in for a second but then she was like, I'm not having it! Then my uncle started yelling and said, "okay, well f*cking aplogise!" He said sorry UNDER HIS BREATH.
I yelled at him out of rage. But I couldn't bear being in the same room as him after betraying my trust, violating my body, violating my relationship, and disrespecting my boyfriend to a pulp (they were actually sort of friends too).
So I waited for my ride outside with my uncle, who was coming with me.
My uncle forgot something inside so he went back in to get it. When he did so, this guy was telling my uncle, "you know, she was saying 'lets do it! llets do it!'"
He comes back outside and tells me, after throwing the POS into the wooden wall and leaving a dent. The guy comes outside a few minutes later and was like, "you know what, I'm sorry but," and I interrupted him, "no you know what? you knew what you were doing, I couldn't even COMPREHEND the situation!" and just went off, so he walked away. Went back inside.
Later on I realised, if I was saying we should do it, that's because I honestly thought he was my boyfriend, I mean considering I snapped out of it after I felt the "thing"!!!!!! I live with my boyfriend, so I'm used to him being beside me!!!!!!!
My ride finally came. yada yada... I got home. My boyfriend wasn't happy and was a little disappointed in me for going into his bed in the first place, which I should NOT have done, but I wasn't in a "focused" or "comprehensible" mindset, and I have cuddled with male friends before while being blacket out drunk, and NOTHING happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please don't say, "you brought it on yourself for going to his bed" or anything along those lines. This dude was unable to control himself! . He was able to comprehend, and remember everything.
Thanks for reading, and sorry that it's so long.
If you have been through this as well, pretty please let me know. Or just a listening ear is very much appreciated. 
PS, this guy was liked and trusted by EVERYONE. Well, SURPRISE. 
Also, I know I drank WAAAY too much for my own good, but who doesns't get carried away sometimes? This experience ruined alcohol for me though. 
I feel sick. And angry. And sleep deprived. Every time I start drifting off to sleep, a nightmares arises, so I can't even fall sleep..... 
Comments
that sounds really terrifying, and also unfair that the people around you aren't taking it seriously. Anxiety is a completely normal reaction to a situation like that, sometimes it's just your mental health kicking in into fight or flight mode which actually is a good thing and caused you to call for help in the first place. Sometimes when my anxiety gets overwhelming I try to remember this, I hope it's a reassuring feeling for you too and I hope you feel more support around you soon 💛
This happened to me a couple of weeks ago I woke up with a i thought guy friend on top of me ... I started screaming and crying he kept on and was laughing at me I called a friend to come get the guy out of my house but he couldn't come he was at work too far away so he starts calling so called friends around me hoping to find someone to help me couldn't get any one the guy finally left my house now everyone hates me and says they think I just felt bad about having sex with the guy I feel so alone my anxiety is threw the roof
Hi @Notmenow, welcome to Reach Out. It sounds like what you experienced was extremely scary and it's understandable that you're feeling so anxious and alone right now. I'm going to send you an email so we can talk about some options for getting support as you should not have to go through this on your own.
Lee / RO
P.S. I've edited your post slightly as some of the language you used was quite descriptive and may be triggering to others. I hope this is okay with you.
It's really unfair what has happened and I hope the people close to you have been understanding and supportive. And I hope you realize these forums are a safe place where others would never judge or jump to conclusions. You're so brave for sharing a story thousands of women can identify with and so often find it to hard to talk about it. By explaining the situation straight away to your Uncle, boyfriend and your friend you have already taken such a therapeutic step to moving on from the incident.
Hopefully, by not bottling this up inside you aren't blaming yourself. I don't know if this will help but sometimes when I'm feeling not much love towards myself, or when something really terrible happens in life, I like to have a big bubble bath, or a long walk along the beach. Not only do these things make me practice self love, they also help me sleep.
Take care
Hey @Chickita have been thinking about you and just wondering how you're going?
@Chickita Something very similar happened to me about 5 years ago but I did not and still have not really talked to anyone about it as its all a big blur and I'm still not sure what actually happened.
Having the strength and courage to share your story with us, in my eyes, makes you strong enough to be able to overcome anything.
What happened was not your fault and you have done the right thing by talking about it instead of bottling it up.
How are you feeling about everything today?
Hi @Chickita,
I want to echo what others have posted in that this is DEFINATELY NOT your fault. You did not provide consent and what happened was not ok.
I know writing that post must have been difficult for you. I want you to know that you have a lot of strength and courage to reachout to receive support especially when the people you have told have given you mixed responses.
I just wanted to check in and see how things were going for you. What kind of emotions are you feeling?
Just remember that there are many people that want to support you and help you through this difficult situation.
Hey @Chickita! How are you going today? Have you had a chance to talk to any support services or checked out any of the resources provided? Would love to hear from you how you're feeling and help you through this if you need. 
Hi @Chickita, first of all I'm going to emphasize again what @Randomness and @Lula have said. What happened was absolutely not your fault. Doesn't matter what history you have with him, how much you had to drink or that you were in his bed, no one ever has the right to do anything to you without your consent. This guilt in this situation lies squarely with him, not you.
It's completely understandable that you're feeling a lot of very strong emotions right now, you've been through something traumatic and however you respond to it is 100% valid. I know it's tempting to try and get the feeling over and done with quickly, or even to try to block it out completely, but I know from my own similar personal experience that letting yourself process and heal at your own pace is much better for your mental health in the long run. I would really encourage you to seek out further support to help you with this, although it is completely up to you how you choose to go about this. Here is a link to a list of services around Australia that provide support to survivors of sexual assault if that is something you feel like you would be up to exploring, though I would understand if that is something you feel you might need to work up to over time.
As @Lula said, whether or not you choose to report this to the police is totally your call. There is a bit of info about how you might go about doing it if you do choose to report in this discussion we had a few months ago involving the WA police Sexual Assault Squad, well as a heap of info around the experience of sexual assault in general. I've linked you to the last page of the discussion, which has the bulk of the professional info, but I would really recommend you have a look through the rest of the chat as well if you feel up to it.
At the end of the day, I just want to hightlight that you are not alone in this. There are people here on RO who know and understand what you're going through and we'll do what we can to be here for you. You deserve support, you deserve respect and you deserve love.
Please remember to be kind to yourself
@Chickita I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. Remember, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It doesn't matter that you had been drinking, it doesn't matter that you ended up in his bed for whatever reason, or you'd had a past relationship or whatever. You did not consent. What he did was wrong. Do not blame yourself for it. It's understandable you would be feeling so confused, upset, angry, scared, tired right now. This is a very serious thing you are going through and anyone in this situation would legitimately be feeling a lot of strong emotions right now. I have not been in this exact same situation as you, but I too have been sexually assaulted in the past and it was one of the scariest things to ever happen to me. Everyone's experience is different so I can't claim to understand everything you're feeling and going through right now, but I have been in a similar place and I really feel for you right now and want the best for you.
Are there some nice things you can do for yourself in the coming days/weeks that will help you keep calm or distract you from the thoughts/feelings/memories or that will help you feel a little better? Check out these pages on Coping Skills and Ways to Relax.
You mentioned that you told your uncle, boyfriend and friend about this, with mixed responses. Have you thought about talking it through with a professional of some sort like a counsellor or a speciallist helpline or service in your area that deals with sexual assault? Here is a list of Sexual Assault Support services for wherever you are in Australia. It's up to you, but talking it through with someone experienced in dealing with these sorts of things can help you to process what happened and begin to heal. Also, here's another page about What to do if you've been sexually assaulted or abused.
I'm sure other people will pop up in the morning with more to say on this, but please look after yourself, stay safe and keep us updated on how you're going!
Hi @Chickita, how are you doing this morning?
I'm so glad you've come to ReachOut for help on this and I want to echo everthing that @Randomness has said, you have no blame in this situation and none of this is your fault. I can't say it enough, this is not your fault. You also have every right to be feeling sick and angry and confused. I want you to be kind with yourself, you've been through something here and it will take time to heal and stop blaming yourself.
There are lots of people who you can talk to and who can help you through this. If you feel like you want to talk to someone, please give the 1800 RESPECT line (1800 737 732) a call. They are available 24/7 and will be able to offer support and talk you through what you're feeling.
You might also want to think about whether you want to report this to the police. You don't have to, this is just an option and it is totally up to you whether it's something you want to do or not.
I hope you don't mind but I edited your post slightly to remove some of the detail that might be difficult for others who've been in a similar situation to read.
Take care of yourself @Chickita and please do let us know how you're going this morning.
