AMAA: Boundaries
We're excited to announce this month; two incredible guests will join us for another "Ask Me Almost Anything". Together we will be unpacking the topic of boundaries in relationships.
Personal boundaries are the rules and limits we decide are right for us.
They include things like:
- Saying no to catching up with a friend if you're not feeling up to it
- Sharing your pronouns with your family members
- Telling your partner what level of intimacy you are comfortable with
We all have different boundaries, and so do the people around us. But, of course, it's not always easy to navigate how to set boundaries, how to communicate them or what to do if you've crossed a boundary.
So, that is why we will be talking it out with our two guests:
Rashida is a Registered Psychologist in Sydney; Working in Private Practice and feeling honoured to work with the clients she does. With a special interest working with identity, culture and purpose.
A life-long love affair with wanting to understand people, their lives, experiences and worlds, and how it all intertwines and shows up in the way we behave led her down a path of traveling and living all over the world whilst studying Psychology. Passionate about advocating for destigmatizing mental illness and creating a more holistic approach to mental well-being.
Also a lover of nature, art, music, chai and sleep - all the great things in life
Akhil is a junior doctor and has a long-term relationship with ReachOut Australia as he joined the organisation as a youth ambassador in 2013 and went on to work as a research intern.
Akhil strongly believes in the equity of access to health information and services, and enjoys using data-driven approaches to help reach that goal. He is passionate about the not-for-profit sector, having founded his own mental health service for university students and worked at several other not-for-profit organisations dedicated to health improvement.
He loves playing tennis and doing pottery.
Get your questions in and we will be answering them LIVE on the 21st of July between 7pm - 9pm
Can't wait to see you all there!
Tonight we spoke about situations, relationships and feelings that can be really hard to sit with. If you are feeling a bit heavy after tonights conversation, don't hesitate to reach out to someone you trust. Your family, a good friend or even us.
If you think you need some professional supports at the moment, here are some places to contact:
Lifeline: 13 11 14
1800 RESPECT: 1800 737 732
Relationships Australia: 1300 364 277
Thank you so much to @Akhil-RO and @GuestPsychologist1 for all of your insights. It was so valuable getting both of your views on the questions that we got.
Thanks so much to @WheresMySquishy @Lost_Space_Explorer5 @Taylor-RO for contributing to the conversation.
To those of you who are reading on, I hope you got something out of the discussions we had.
Thank you so much for having me, it was amazing as always to be here and i hope to see you all back here again for another AMAA in the future!
Thank you so much for everyones questions, they were all so important and created such great conversation.
Thank you @Akhil-RO and everyone who contributed! 🙂
Goodnight.
I'm keen to hear what our guests have to say in response to this question. This is a really hard situation to deal with.
My friends and I are new to going out to bars/clubs. Something that we have noticed is that physical boundaries can be crossed in these environments. It makes me really mad when people touch me without knowing me. How do you deal with this?
If you are able to identify who has touched you without your consent, you can take this information to the bar/club manager/ owner or security and let them know so that they can deal with the person and situation.
If you have not been able to identify the person, I would assess how you are feeling and if you want to remain at the venue. If you are feeling uncomfortable you do not need to stay - If you have friends who want to stay and are pressuring you to stay, try and call someone who may be able to come and get you so that you can leave.
Stay close to your friends or who you are at the venue with.
If you feel the venue is not handling the situation appropriately you are able to contact the police the next day or use some crisis services for advice and support.
Thank you both for your thoughtful response to this question @Akhil-RO @GuestPsychologist1 - an important take away is that this behaviour is never your fault. You deserve to get help and support in these situations.
This can be infuriating and violating, and is definitely not okay. It can be hard to know what to do in those moments. Calling that person out is sometimes an option, but definitely prioritise your safety first.
Some other things that can be helpful are to talk to the bar/club management staff so that they can deal with that person appropriately, trying to surround yourself with your friends and group as much as possible to feel more comfortable, and also just leaving that place if you feel unsafe.
First of all i'm sorry you have had to experience this. This is not ok and your anger is completely valid. Nobody should be touching you without your consent.
This is a common thing that comes up when boundaries haven't been set. It's really hard when you're in the thick of it - so thank you for reaching out and sharing this q.
I haven't ever set boundaries with my friends and family. Lately I have been thinking about my boundaries and feeling really burnt out because I haven't told anyone. How do you tell people about your boundaries when they are used to you doing anything to make them happy?
This is a super tough situation to be in. Thanks for your honesty and vulnerabilty in sharing.
I think this is where we can link back to the fears in not starting the conversation about boundaries due to feeling uncomfortable or scared of what the reaction might be or how it will impact our relationships - unfortunately alot of the time we can't control how someone is going to behave or react to us and this leads to us wanting to avoid it all together.
If doing anything to make others happy is not making YOU happy - then we want to re-adjust that. YOU should be included in the energy you spend to make others happy - give some of that love and joy back to yourself
It's hard bringing up a conversation about boundaries, especially the first time that you do it. In the majority of cases, people are going to respect you talking about your boundaries and will be open. If you are nervous about having a conversation about boundaries, chat about it with someone you trust beforehand, or you can talk to a GP or psychologist for advice and support about starting these conversations.
@Akhil-RO I agree with getting tips from a professional - that really helped me. Also talking to older cousins, aunties/uncles, friends that are good with boundaries. It helps to see it role-modeled when you aren't sure how to start the conversation
This question took me back to when I was living with my parents 😅 I think a lot of people will like to read the answer to this one.
How would you implement boundaries with your parents when you are still living at home?
We sometimes assume that parents may not always understand the need for some of our boundaries, but like we mentioned earlier - starting a dialogue can be helpful and they may surprise us! It may lead to more conversations and a chance to openly share what you've been feeling and working together to find solutions.
Ooff this one hits close to home @Bre-RO 😅 More because my parents look after me way too much... I suck 😞 Every time I try to help out more it doesn't last long and I just end up hiding in my room all day. So that's an overshare from me 🙃
It's okay to share @Lost_Space_Explorer5 I can't tell you how much my mum and I fought about housework. Something I still struggle with today 😆 building consistent cleaning routines do take time, be gentle with yourself 🥰
I feel really useless and like a horrible person @Bre-RO 😞 And am instantly regretting sharing this lol 🙃 ugh ugh ugh Anyway it's all good I'm trying to be better. Anyway this has something to do with boundaries, in me letting my parents look after me and them wanting to look after me like I am still a kid 😞
Thank you so much for your vulnerability and sharing. Im' sure alot of people will appreciate your honesty as they may be finding themselves in a similar position!
Relationship dynamics with parents are sooo complex and you are definitely not a horrible or useless person if they are wanting to look after you and you let them. This is a very common experience. Hang in there.
There's nothing wrong with needing to be taken care of, it doesn't make you a kid. I can see that you're feeling really down on yourself this evening. I hope you can do something nice for yourself this evening, you deserve it @Lost_Space_Explorer5
Thanks @Bre-RO I think I'm gonna sign off for now before I start talking too much on the AMAA 😆 oh dear. I'll catch up on the chat later, it's been really cool hearing about how boundaries can apply to many different situations!
Thanks for your insight @GuestPsychologist1 and @Akhil-RO it's really cool when we get to have guest speakers ❤️
I think boundaries whilst still living at home can be some of the most important boundaries we can put in place! They can also be some of the hardest.
It can really be determined by the dynamics of your family, your cultural heritage, the amount of people in your family, living arrangements etc.
It can be hard to know how to put them in place and what to put in place.
I talk to clients about things on a micro level that can end up adding up such as spending 5-10 minutes longer in your car when you get home to take space for yourself before you go inside, sit in silence or listen to your favourite song, practice mindfulness or just scroll on the phone in peace.
Taking a few extra minutes in the shower/bathroom to also allow yourself some time and space.
Taking yourself to your room if you need to remove yourself from the family.
Taking yourself on a walk if you need some space.
Yeah having space to yourself is definitely important!- when you're living with people in general as well @GuestPsychologist1
Completely agree with making time for yourself whilst living at home. It can also be helpful and if you have siblings to talk to them.
I really appreciate that you called out family dynamics and cultral heritage being an influencing factor.
Really practical tips as well!
I get it because i've lived it!
I think self-disclosure in this instance is helpful. I've been there - It is hard. Sometimes it feels like it's impossible to set any boundaries which are going to be respected, but i think it's also important to remember you won't be living in your family home forever. This is definitely a time to re-visit the idea of having strong social supports and other networks outside of family to help support you and keep you engaged.
I know it is particularly difficult at the moment due to our restrictions and lockdowns and it can feel like the need for boundaries is heightening
